Hi friends,<P>I am going to meet my boyfriend's kids in January. I have been trying to go slow, yet at the same time, I needed to get thru Xmas without a major breakdown. <P>He has met my girls and they are comfortable with him. Its only logical for this next step to happen .<P>His ex wants to meet me before I meet the kids. Supposedly for about 5 minutes.<P>I feel a little apprehensive of this. I didn't approach bf like this when he met my kids and I'm sure this most likely was her idea. <P>My first reaction is that I don't think its all that normal. But then again, I could be so thrown by the idea that I'm not looking at every angle. After my ex betrayed me, I immediately figure the worst on everything. <P>I need the help of all my dear friends here to give me different view points on this. Especially if you are in a relationship and you have either married someone and now are a step parent, or if you have met your "significant other's" children .<P>I'd also be interested in hearing suggestions on what you guys did on the first meeting. He has 2 boys and I have 3 girls, so obviously I'm a little nervous about the opposite gender thing. <P>Right now, I'll just be meeting the boys. All the children together meeting will not happen for quite a while yet.<P>Hey and no comments on the Brady Bunch!! I was already June Cleaver in my marriage! I'm not going to be the Brady Bunch (whats the mom's name anyway?), and after what I've been thru, there will be NO ALICE living under my roof!!!! <P>Thanks for listening!<BR>Dana<BR>

when did your bf meet your kids? how did your x feel about that? how do your kids feel with a new person in their life? is your bf around them much? sorry for the questions. i am a possible step parent one day. i look forward to and am scared to death to meet my bf kids. his stbx hates me to say the least and hopes i will never meet their childern.

Hi Dana,<P>Unusual, but may be a good idea? Sounds like she is a good mother, understands it is serious between you two, and wants to meet you for very logical and good reasons. In that case, I'm sure meeting you will put her mind at ease.<P>And, if the opposite is true, if she turns out to be a nut, hey its better to know that now - you can make some decisions too.<P>I think I would like to meet any women my ex might bring into my boy's lives. Would give me peace of mind.<P>Are you going to get together with the boys first alone with him? Or go for the whole tribe together?<P>Oh, what burdens get placed on our children. I'm having an unusually tough Christmas season, glad to see things going well for you.<BR>

Hi Dana,<P>I have the opposite view. I have no desire to meet my ex-h's girlfriend. She seems to spend quite a bit of time with my 2 girls, which just about kills me, but what control do I have.?? Even if I think she's unsuitable, horrible or mean, if he wants to see her when he has the children, he will do so. He has made it quite clear what he thinks. He has said to me in the past, whenever I have questioned the fact that she spends time with the girls, things like -<BR>"so I have to clear it with you who I spend time with" OR<BR>"you can't tell me who I can spend time with" OR<BR>"so are you telling me I can only have a relationship when I don't have the children"<P>He thinks I'm being controlling and manipulative, and telling him how to run his life. He just doesn't get it that my only concern is the girls. I don't know how to make him 'get it'...... I've exhausted every way and mean that I can think of.<P>I just have to hope and pray that she is nice to them, and has no hidden agenda. I have to trust his judgement. God, now I do feel sick...<BR>I do rely on the children for their feedback. Not nosy things. But whether they say anything bad about her. To date they haven't. That gives me a sense of peace. Sort of......<P>As far as meeting your bf's children. Take it slow. I would be inclined to sit back and watch the situation. Maybe do something that they like. The movies, or rollerblading, or something. Something where you're not going to be sitting around a table looking at each other and wondering what the heck to say next.<P>I don't know what to think about the ex-w wanting to meet you. I completely understand where she is coming from, believe me I do, but at the end of the day, it will serve no purpose. No matter what she thinks, if he wants to keep seeing you, he will. She will have no say in it.<BR>I do worry that she is being manipulative. Even if you were a horrible person, when you meet her, you're not going to show your worst side are you?? What does she hope to gain.? Do you know? <P>Putting myself in her shoes, which I guess I am, I don't know why she would want to do that. For me to do that, it would be like self-inflicted torture. It would possibly give ME something to hang on to when I next argue with him. Something like "well, she said this blah blah blah when I met her and I didn't like it one little bit....."<P>I keep coming back to - at the end of the day she has no control over who he sees. Yes, she could be, and probably is, a very concerned devoted parent. But so am I.<P>My honest gut feeling is that it is a way for her to have some input into his life. A life that she obviously has no part of, and she doesn't seem to like that fact. She needs to let go, and trust his judgement. It's very hard to do, I know.<P>I just don't think this will serve any purpose, at this point in time. Since when do ex-spouses have any right of say in new lives and new relationships?????? It now also puts you in a very hard place. If you say no, what hidden meaning is there in that. If you say yes, you subject yourself to scrutiny and possibly a third degree....<P>I'm sorry I'm not much help. I've probably raised more questions than answered. Could you talk to your bf some more about this? Try and find out what she hopes to gain from meeting you. Do you know anything about what she is like?<P>I'll follow this one with great interest....<BR>Although I can just imagine my ex's reation if I said I wanted to meet his new gf. You'd probably hear it from over there!!!!!!<BR>Please post and let me know.<P>Good luck, and I'll be thinking of you. BTW, when is the meeting supposed to take place?<P>hugs and take care<P>Jo<BR>

Hi DanaB,<P> I can give you my experience on this. About 2 years after my D, I met a nice man. He was divorced, with 2 little boys. His xW did want to meet me, first. I didn't have a problem with that... naturally, I would want to meet anyone that could possibly end up as a significant part of my child's life.<P> We met (believe it or not, for only about 15 minutes) and made small talk. What do you do, blah, blah, blah. Very polite and cordial. No biggie. And even though she liked me, she really could not have influenced my bf at the time, anyway.<P> Don't worry about it. I think it is a natural impulse with parents to want to know who is around their kids. Just be nice and, before you know it, it's done.<P>Good Luck!<BR>Mynabird

Hey Dana:<P>I had the opposite happen to me when I was dating someone for awhile. My x wanted to meet him. Everyone I know said it really wasn't any of his business. I really think it is more curiosity on the x's part than wanting to make sure the person is a good choice for the kids. My x knows that I wouldn't have the kids around someone I didn't trust. I told him at the time that I would think about it but thought it was unnecessary and wanted to know if he wanted me to meet his girlfriends. He said no, because he wasn't serious with anyone, but thought that I was, so he should meet him. He did eventually meet him but it wasn't planned. They just spoke a few words and he said later he thought he was a nice guy. <P>As to the meeting of kids, I dated for about 4 months before I introduced the guy I was dating to the kids. We just went out for dinner one night. We also met at church a few times and went to McDonalds afterwards. He only met them a few times. The kids liked him and it all worked out fine. He doesn't have children so I didn't have to deal with that aspect. <P>My x was always taking the kids out with his dates even though he said he wouldn't. I had no control over him in that respect. But, the kids don't appear to care. They seem to like everyone they meet. They are 3 and 6. <BR> <BR>Good luck. <P>Jen

Dana,<P>I have thought about this for along time, (don't ask why!) and i was talking about that very same issue with my friend, who has two kids, boy/girl, exactly three years older than mine.<P>First, I would want her kids to like me for me, not for being my a special friend to their mother. And with my kids, I would want them to meet her without realizing who she was so that they would like her for being her, not for being a significant other. <P>In other words, not a formal meeting, but an informal, unannounced meeting. such as casually "accidentally" sitting next to each other somewhere, park, etc. and then we could start up a conversation, and get the kids involved, and see what they thought, and liked. i don't have a perfect scenario in mind, i just have thought that I would like the kids to like me or my SO on their own, without our influence on them.<P>just my whacky, out of the box thinking.<P>Let us know how it goes, and what your thoughts are. its an appropriate timely conversation.<P>tom, <BR>your "fired" nashville chauffeur.<P>AS for whether the X should meet you, I'll have to think about that one for a while. My X doesn't seem to have any problems, just bringing the OM into the kid's lives, although the kids know that I don't look positively at it. They know that where my X hangs out, I don't, won't and don't think very highly of any of her friends.<P><BR>

Hey Carol...err...umm...Dana <P>I say just go with it...<P>Don't push yourself on them...just be yourself...your a mom you ought to be able to read them some...just let them know you care about their dad without anything overt...<P>You'll be great!!<P>Bill

Hi friends,<P>Thank you all for taking time to write back such great replies!!<P>Obviously, when I posted this, I had A LOT of mixed feelings. My first reaction was, this is crazy, she is trying to control him, or get into our relationship in some way, perhaps try to make me feel funny.<P>Of course, I posted this before talking to him, because sometimes, I over react to things and want to think about every situation for a while.<P>I thought long and hard, and didn't read any of these replies, then I came up with how I felt about this. Something I never did in my marriage, I always did what ex wanted me to do to keep the peace. Not that I want any problems, trust me I don't. <P>But what I came up with, was that I was very hurt. Hurt that my bf wouldn't notice that what was most important, first off, is for me to meet the kids, and us to work on getting along.<P>I do home daycare, so I'm not worried about kids in general, I'll be fine with that, but these are children that could maybe one day be a big part of my life. Sure its early to speculate that, but since I have only my current feelings to go on, and I am very happy, I want to be sure we do this the best possible way.<P>I felt like I was being put on display for her insecurities or fears. I felt like I need to meet his kids, down the road, all the kids meet and down the road further, if I run into her, then I am sure I will, but to plan it, that makes me feel like I'm taking some test.<P>Like one person said (sorry, long New Year's night), its really not going to serve that big of a purpose when it comes to the kids. <P>They broke up way before I came into the picture. He's been thru what I have. So now she is being forced to see what consequences come from her actions. Not that she should be punished, just that, this is now the life she chose, and like it or not, we all have to just deal with it.<P>Well I talked to him and he felt terrible that I was hurt. She asked him while he was busy at work and he had called to talk to his kids. He had thought it was weird and was planning on telling her it was not going to happen. SO we decided that I will meet the boys next weekend. <P>Sure I'll meet her one day. I will always be decent to her no matter what, but obviously at the moment , neither of us are comfortable with each other.<P>On the flip side, you guys will really like this. OW dropped the kids off to me yesterday. My exH was working a double, so she's had them, as usual all weekend. <P>Of course I hated her from the start because she manipulated my ex, purposely went after him, schemed to destroy what she thought was the life she wanted for herself. Although in the end, it was my ex who broke his commitment to me. <P>We sat and talked for an hour and a half. We talked about how my ex favors my middle child, my oldest doesn't like her or him. How the baby likes anyone who changes her diaper. She told me how each of the girls get along with her son and her family. She told me that the girls want to spend more time with their dad but he works such odd hours. I told her that he needed to be better with visitation AND child support. Granted its not her business, she's always in mine, so I figured, who cares.<P>She told me that she had a talk with him about taking the kids more and that she leaves on sat afternoon so he has time with the girls.<P>What I got out of that, was that its been a year, and she's tired of doing 3 baths , all the meals and taking care of my kids. She does care for them in her own way, and is always very kind to them, but I get the feeling she's had enough.<P>ANyhow, the point behind all this is, if I can get along with OW , I can get along with BF's ex down the road, should it be necessary.<P>At this point, I feel its unneccesary.<P>To Opposite shoes, , he met my kids about 2 months ago. Of course, my kids are loveable and adore him because of how happy I am when he's around and how well he treats me in front of them . Its important according to their counselor to witness that positive caring atmosphere after daddy leaving on xmas.<P>Honeywest, long time no see, how are you?<BR>Bonnet , I can't help but agree, she has a hidden agenda, and wants to satisfy her own curiousity,and nothing that magnificant will come out of it. Had my bf gave me the ultimatum, I'd have left in a second. I will NOT sacrifice my comfort and emotional health again, like I did for my ex. My bf never would have said that, but we agreed, if it went badly, that would predetermine years to come, cuz really, if it was a horrible experience, whats the odds of me liking her again?<P>Myna, thanks for writing <BR>Jen , isn't this whole thing a whole new life and whole new learning experience, that again , we just don't know whats always right?<P>Tom - I'll keep you updated on the meeting, if anything, I can possibly share my experience for those who have to go after me in this area. Its pretty scary.<P>Thanks for the kind reply Bill. <P>I know I'll do OK, but I'm still scared!!!!!<P>Hugs , Dana<BR>

keep your chin up Dana.<BR>you'll be fine.<BR>What a wonderful man he must be, glad to see you so happy.<P>hugs<P>Jo

Dana,<BR>Had to pass this along. I met the woman's kids I have been seeing on New Years Eve. She was in charge of a local towns celebration and had to work. <P>We got together about 7 and then her kids came about 7:30. They semi knew about me but not really. The kids already had told her that they didn't want her to date. The one son just sort of raise his eyes as he understodd who I was when she introduced me.<P>We went to get the kids something to eat at a nearby restaurant. Thats when the fun started. The boys really didn't want me to sit near the mother and there were only 4 seats at the table. They kept playing musical chairs both trying to sit near her and keepin me away. It was funny to me and a little embarrasing for her.<P>The routine replayed itself the next day when we went out to breakfast.<P>I guess expect the worse so that when it doesn't happen, you will be suprised.<P>Some other weird things happened too. The woman wanted me to take her and drop off her kids at their father at his house. I was uncomfortable about that, I thought her father was going to do that, but for some reason it didn't happen and it fell to me(I guess I could have said no). Anyway, her x wasn't home so we took the kids back home. His parents finally came and picked the kids up about an hour later.<P>Also the reporter covering the NYE celebration had been the x's room mate for a period of time and he knew the boys and they liked them. Geez, talk about your small worlds.<P>A divorced friend of mine, who's w left him also, said his boys said the woman was fat when he first introduced her to them.The Guy ended up marrying her anyway.<P>Good Luck!!!!<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited January 02, 2001).]

Hi Bob,<P>The boys know about me because my bf has my picture up at his house, and they also have been with him when he buys me flowers. (once a week!) <P>They have been asking to meet me. Thats the good part about waiting til they feel ready.<P>The idea of me meeting the bf's ex is cancelled (thank God), glad we talked about it and got it settled. Its amazing how different a relationship is when you have someone who wants to talk whenever your upset. <P>I think its going to be this coming Tues or Wednesday. I also am thinking about something quick. Just an hour . So they won't be overwhelmed. <P>Thanks for the reply! <BR>Dana<BR>

I can't say i have had to go through this.<BR>But my only insight is that maybe his ex wants to meet you in order to get a base.(she might be thinking if your meeting his kids than he's serious about you so she wants to show the children no hard feelings?)<P>I would like to think who ever my husband meets that i can talk to for the sake of my daughter. (only because then there is more consistancy in raising your children.)<P>Isn't it easier if everyone is on the same page??<BR>

rtn2,<P>I'm not sure I understand the real reasons behind the request, but I don't think it's so we're on the same page.<P>It's a given that I would treat these boys with nothing but respect as well as be very decent and friendly to their mom in front of the kids. I'd probably be friendly when their not around, its generally how I am.<P>Last week I spent an hour talking to OW in my house. Eerie...yes. Do I care now? Not really. I'm fed up with her and my ex but I do what I can for the well being of my kids, they come first.<P>Luckily, I don't have to meet her though. I am glad, I am not ready for that just yet. But I am ready to meet his kids and I can't wait!<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>