My H finally answered my questions and theories on why he walked out and why he won't come back. He said the reason he left is because nothing he did was good enough for me and it seemed like I was never happy. After years of this he was finally fed up (My counselor and I theorized all of this back in December)I realize what I have done wrong and have been slowly changing back to my old self ( I admit I did get on the needy and wanting side last year) H says he will not come back because he feels that it will just show that he is a push over still and he has made a decision and he is going to stick to this one and not back down. He says no one is going to tell him what to do anymore. He told me all this yesterday and today. Monday morning I asked for peace during our devotion time @ work and I feel I finally have it. I have peace in knowing that I made mistakes and I am changing in those areas in a healthy manner. I did not throw up defenses I empathized with all H had to say. I guess his goal is to get a dissolution to prove he can't be pushed around by me. Thanks for listening!! Responses or encouragement are welcomed.

If you still love him (and it seems you do), tell him you would like to attend a workshop together ... not necessarily to get back together, just to be better friends. Tell him you still don't understand how deeply you hurt him, but that just having him divorce you may not drive that home as well as a worshop might. See what happens.

YIKES! My ex said the SAME thing. It's also about power. He said I "emasculated him." <P>John Grey in Mars/Venus says that men derive their happiness from making their women happy. THat's why it hurts them when you don;t like the movie they pick out. Their focus is on making you happy. (Hard to believe.) It's ego and self esteem. They like easy to please women. I was not one.<P>Whatever you do, do not push him to accept your solutions. Do not act like you have all theanswers to this. Empathize with him; do not fight him if he says it is over. It will become about winning--he won't think rationally. Be sympathetic and patient. Plan A. The workshop is a good idea, but try to let him pick it. Empower him a bit. <P>Most importantly: don't push him to stay. He is convincing himself that he has made a decision and will stick to it to prove himself strong and powerful. He will feel good about the "decision" as long as you feel bad about it.

I think my stbx falls into this same category...I think he does have unresolved feelings of love for me...but doesn't want to admit it. <P>He feels I was too controlling of him and is, I believe, divorcing me for spite. To prove that I can't "control" him or it. He can divorce me no matter what I want. Problem is, I don't think he really wants it deep down (and too many confused statements on his part to go into on this post).<P>Funny thing is...his "control" issues with me all revolve around him not having to be responsible or accountable to anyone for anything - especially in the last 6 months or so...classic MLC.<P>Cutting off their nose to spite thier face - I believe it's called.<P>Lisa

There is alot of truth to those statements.<P>It is a conflict that may have its roots in the male begin brought up in a traditional family, and then being married into the equality relationship.<P>It can be hard to deal with since the male has no role model to relate to, and his model is outdated! he is about 10 releases behind in his internal programming! (don't laugh, think about it!)<P>I have maintained that was a big part of our implosion, i came from a dad centric home life, and X came from a mom centric home life. so our expectations, particularly surrounding job related decisions, became impossible to settle. now there are other added inflammatories, but that was a very real issue, that we saw, but couldn't resolve when I changed careers which massively changed our lives. <P>very different expectations, and very difficult to understand each other.<P>Now, I will defend myself in that my parent's both worked, but the main breadwinner was my dad, and my mom's was part time, and it was udnerstood to be subordinate.<P>With us, mine was the primary breadwinner, but when X wanted to have my paying job subordinate to her volunteer job, we couldn't agree. sorry, I didn't think it was a good trade off.<P>However, when I suggested that I work out of the home, she balked also, even in the past when I was unemployed, so these are complex issues.<P>so she felt controlled so that she couldn't schedule her volunteer time around my schedule, and felt she had to escape to not lose herself. (her words) So she is D me so that she can do whatever she wants, without having to check schedules with me. <P>A long time ago, she used to complain that I never just followed her orders, I never just did stuff she asked. Sorry, I don't do activities for reasons I don't understand. explain it to me, and if I understand, I will do it. It i don't like it, I will discuss it.<P>In the beginning, if she was mad at me, she would start banging pots in the kitchen. now if this isn't the picture of non-communication, I don't know what is.<P>so also what plays into this is the inability to understand the other's love language and personality, such that hot buttons are not understood and carefully avoided.<P>I have learned so much these days that any new relationship with the X would be doomed as she is really someone who i would never even consider casually chatting with now.<P>S2BA, my X calls it "doing it for principles."<P>tom<P>

just to add,<P>my X would ask me how should we do something, so I would answer, and then she would zap me with reasons why it can't be done that way, so why don't we do it my way?<P>now I would appreciate the knowledge up front that she has a meeting scheduled that I didn't know about, and that something had changed, etc.<P>so when she starts talking like that, it gets pretty ridiculous to think that anything can be done my way, or if it is, there is something wrong with the decision, she is giving in.<P>look at ourselves, and make sure we aren't contributing to the problem, buta re part of the solution.<P>tom

Wow, Trs, this sounds so much like what mine has said... and "feels" like my situation, too.<P>Sad, isn't it, that they couldn't have just SAID "Hey, you know you really hurt me when you don't appreciate what I do/say." And I think mine is also going on toward divorce because he feels he cannot change his mind about it without losing "something."<P>I also have this "gut" feeling that he has teetered on the brink for so long because he cares enough for me to not want to be without me in his life, but is afraid that if he were to actually TRY to repair or renew our relationship, he will lose out on something.<P>Too bad they don't realize how much they have to gain by working at this...<P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

Wow Trs did all these H get the same book. I too got the same words exactly. I was also told he wasnt happy for the last 3 1/2 years. Pity it took another woman to come along before he had the courage to tell me. Then it was too late for me. Was it really us controlling them. I'm not all that sure.<P>I now have 2 counsellers helping me with these emotions he has left me with, he only has OW. Too Bad Iam the better person

I suppose the male role model is an important factor. My ex came from a very patriarchal home, but it was quite dysfunctional. THey were involved in an extreme form of the Pentacostal faith. His father was also gay but married to be delivered from it. My ex has many unresolved issues with his father and his homosexuality as you can imagine. He also witnessed a very unhappy marriage (duh) between his parents. His mother is remarried now and is blissfully happy. She has said on numerous occasions that she thinks that she made a mistake not leaving him twenty years earlier so she could be happy. He is influenced by these statements. <P> His father was also quite controlling and my ex has real issues with control. He has an aversion to authority or any kind of conformity (probably a result of his religious upbringing). He avoids accountability to the nth power. The divorce, IMO, was a result of all of this.