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#681802 02/02/01 08:20 AM
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Dumby me went to see where H was this morning. Pulled up to OW's house and he was there. Sat in the driveway for awhile than left and went to work. Called him at OW's house (Lovebuster-which I do not think it matters because he has no love for me I don't think) I was upfront and honest and told him that it was me in the driveway-turns out he did not know I was even there-I asked him what he would do in my situation he said he certainly would not call me at the other persons house. Why do I do such stupid things-why so I no just let him go. It hurts to know he does all this stuff to help OW and does nothing to help me. Family told me he is actually babysitting for this friend. I feel all I do is drive them closer together , now they will have something to talk about for awhile. I think I am having such a hard time because H just up and left and does not even want to try and work on our marriage, yet he goes out of his way to help OW. It seems as if I take two steps forward and one step back right now. Maybe in a couple of weeks it will be all steps forward....

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(((Trs)))<P>You're no dummy. Your taking a screwing and you're not happy about it. It stinks, he stinks, and you have every right to lovebust over it. Not that it helps, so if you can let go a bit and stop doing it, things will get better, I promise you.

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trs,<P>Many of us have felt what you feel - and it is really hard. We still want to hang on to them because we do love them still, in spite of all they have done to hurt us - that is the way that we are. And the more we try to hang on to them - the farther away they seem to want to be from us. While it is not easy, I think you need to give him some space and some time, make sure he is aware of how you feel for him (assuming you do still care about him). Maybe he will see in time, what he is missing and then be REALLY willing to work on your marriage with you. As long as he is not interested in working at your marriage, there is nothing that you can do alone to make it work - it takes both of you.

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TRS,<P>I have been there...I did the same thing last year. I couldn't get a hold of H at 5 am and he had left before me for work....he wasn't at work, I went way out of my way to see if he was there...then I pulled out the address of the OW...I had come across in his palm pilot...complete with directions. (very nice) and there he was...I broke his cell phone and made quite the fool of myself. <BR>I am not proud of that...in fact I am pretty embarrassed that I lost it..but when you see your spouse "caught in the act" it really is an insane moment. <BR>What you have done is not screwing up. Your H is not doing right by you. He is completely self absorbed in his wants and desires..how would he know if he would call you at the OM house...you haven't put him in that position...he is not capable of answering these questions. You are not the one at fault here...regardless of your calling him at the OW house or parking in the driveway...he is wrong...don't accept his wrong doing. Remember all you can do is control your own reactions....<BR>Take care

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Thank you all, you have helped yet again. Yes, my actions this morning were not the best way to handle things but I know I am not all in the wrong. A close friend told me that he doesn't like me being around and wants me out of the way because I make him think of his own wrong actions. He does not want to be around family and friends because they do not sugar coat his actions like she does. I know in the long run I will prevail-its just this in between time. Some of my problem is that they think this relationship is all right because he told me it was over than pursued this relationship-he somehow thinks we've only been dating for 8 yrs and not married and now we are "broke - up" I would honestly like to break him up but I will control myself. Thanks ALL!!

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{{{{{{{{{{Trs}}}}}}}}}}<P><BR>I don't know what to tell you other than, "Been there, done that!" Tomorrow is going to be my 1 yr. anniversary of the day my H left me for OW. It took me a day or two to figure it out, and then after that it drove me crazy. What's even worse, I would have understood a little if she was 20yo or a knock out, but she was 35 (I'm 38), looked a lot like me, had 4 kids and a husband who hit her. It's made my skin crawl wondering what in the world was so different about HER? Anyway, it tortured me for a while, and then I realized something. All the time and effort and worry and brain power I was putting into Him and HER, I could be putting into ME.<P>This is an easy thing to understand and a hard thing to do, but Trs, he is going to do what he is going to do. All your thinking about it and fussing about it within yourself will only affect you. This really sucks and really hurts and sometimes it makes you so mad you could just kill him for how he has made you feel, but your job now is to think and fuss and work on YOU. I know it's hard--it is. It's awful to feel so rejected and unloveable and see him seemingly so loved (but BTW, that is just a smoke screen), but start to put the same energy into becoming the woman you CAN BE and finding the woman you are in there who is kind and loving and thoughtful and funny and pretty. Let her back out again, and let him do what he is going to do. <P>I remember very often thinking, when will this rollercoaster ride ever end? Well, the ride doesn't end. The ups and downs smooth out some, but the ride keeps rolling along. Eventually, I couple of people may jump on the ride with you, so at least you're not riding alone! Eventually, there will be more steps forward than back, and on some of the backward steps, you are not going to react well. That's okay. Give yourself permission to act like a human, to make mistakes, and to be wrong sometimes. Forgive yourself when you act like an idiot and you find out later. But keep on riding, and keep on learning, and just remember you have a free therapy group here. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

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Thanks Cj,<P>Your words of wisdom were taken to heart. I am slowly coming around and beginning to become more chipper. Friends have seen me and told me I am looking like my happy old self. I need to stop thinking abouth H and OW because I actually do not know them-I only know me right now. I am blessed to have people surround me with love at this time. I fuss alot because OW is 5-6 yrs older than us with 3 kids on her 2nd divorce-we were trying to have kids before H left. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I was always the life of the party and he would sit there at parties and just wait for me to get started-he said he loved the way I made him laugh-that old me is coming back-I just hit some rough stops. I actually do not like talking to H right now and get this sick feeling when I do talk to him. I do not know why I do the stuff I did this morning-something happens inside of me and I don't like it (kind of like road rage but I guess this could be called infidelity rage) I need to focus my energy elsewhere. My boss told me a neat story last week:<P>God gave me a dime and I treasured this dime and took care of it for 8 yrs, I polished it and gave it all my love but than God took away my dime because he plans on giving me a dollar. <P>Can I collect that dollar now? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P><BR>

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Read Jesus' parable of the talents. Yer supposed to <I>invest</I> that dime.

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How can I invest the dime if I don't have it? I guess I could just leave it alone and see if it matures. How long does it take for dimes to mature?? This one was minted in 1971.

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No, the point would be that somewhere along the line he got the idea that not all his needs were being met. Perhaps a neutral observer would say that wasn't the case ... he might have been overboard on something, or so immature that OW could grab him. <P>If someone you thought you treasured could run off like that, you might not have been investing enough of your resources into the marriage in the right way. Maybe because he misled you as to what was really needed, but nonetheless it didn't get to him.<P>On the other hand, this article suggests that some spouses are simply destined to "wig out" and bolt the marital home:<BR> <A HREF="http://clearinghouse.mwsc.edu/manuscripts/61.asp" TARGET=_blank>http://clearinghouse.mwsc.edu/manuscripts/61.asp</A> <P>That dime story just sounded to me a little too much like how you would treat something inanimate...

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I have to admit to being in your club. I got caught one night, maybe twice. (The councelor would not have liked that behaviour.)<P>I found her, as I JUST happened to be driving by the OM's then-residence one morning, taking wood into his house. She was supposed to be living across the river in the town she worked in.<P>The only satisfaction I attained through those actions was that I was visible and he could not hide.<P>One thing I tried to keep in mind, and as long as you keep cool it should not be able to be interpreted as such, that I was borderline stalking. One local hang out happened to be a few blocks from his house.<P>Keep cool.<BR>rrunrr<BR><P>------------------<BR>Almost anything can be undone or forgiven.<P>Never take trust for granted.

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Sisyphos,<P>Thanks for the article - I will snuggle up with it tonight-I was joking about the dime bit [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]. It is an interesting article and I believe I have read it before. I noticed some of it deals with Apaasive/aggressive in a sense. My counselor and I went thru this w/ H and found out that we never learned how to be assertive. I was always aggressive and H was passive. Once I explained this to H he said "yeah -thats it and I am not backing down now".. So why is he babysitting OW's kids for free when he used to go the gym and go out when he is with me?? He seems to have vented the ways he was passive on me and turned around and picked up the same behavior w/ OW. We all discussed how he is being very dependent upon another relationship with another woman when he told me he wanted to be free and spread his wings. I personally think we had a communication break down this last summer (where I took him for granted and became complacent)and he is grasping at anything to justify his actions. H won't even watch his own niece while his sister-in-law is delivering her baby-they asked me to do it.. But he will miss sleep to watch OW's kids?? H was telling people he was thinking of moving to another state(Iwanted to move to this state when he was up for a transfer but he wanted to come "home" and live and I did move here and have NEVER put this choice down). This buggled me-it seemed like he just wanted to drop me off. I think H is VERY confused at this point and has gotten himself in over his head and does not know what to do. He told me a couple of weeks ago he cannot come back because too much has been said and done. Much to learn from all of this. I am going to make it a POINT to leave H alone so he can think (I think thats how he got into this mess was I had the same thought this summer when I thought he was in the "cave")

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Trs:<BR><B>I think H is VERY confused at this point and has gotten himself in over his head and does not know what to do. He told me a couple of weeks ago he cannot come back because too much has been said and done. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Maybe you could say "Gosh, I feel that way too--like it's all jumbled together in my head. Maybe we should see a therapist together and see if we can sort things out so that we can go our separate ways with our heads screwed on straight."<P>As you may have noticed, my XW is totally incommunicado, to the point that I am actually worried about her. Nonetheless, all I can do is wait to see if she resurfaces.

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Trs,<P>I do exactly know how you feel. In a strange way, our stories are very, very similar. So, just for fun, let me tell you what I did that I'm not too proud of. I went to the stbx's office to talk some purely objective business and happened to catch him on the cell phone to her. Well, I had enough, got angry, grabbed the phone away from him, slapped him in the face, and threw his cell phone against the wall! OUCH!<P>BAD, BAD BEHAVIOR!<P>Yeah, I had to pay the piper on that one, and the cost was a lot steeper than the temporary satisfaction of breaking up their conversation! Okay, so we all get a little nuts. I ended up taking some anger management classes from a counselor (and I'm feeling much better thank you--haha). My point here is that when you feel so betrayed, sometimes you do things that you aren't very proud of. Forgive yourself, make repairs, learn to do better, do better, and keep on!<P>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Trs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>I'll see ya Monday!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

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H's aunt had a four long talk w/ H this weekend. Things had not turned physical (but I think they will soon because that is the only on known now) OW's H found out last week (no paperwork started in that area) H thinks he has done too much to come back and thinks I want it over(his aunt told him because I am going to counseling and I have read up on all of this that I do not hate him and I still want to save the marriage). H is still spending time w/ OW and I have no doubt in my mind that it will or has gotten physical. H's aunt convinced me to let him be that this part has nothing to do with me and he needs to figure out what he wants to do. It is all out in the open so no more passion of hiding things. Ow's shift was changed where they work so that is a strain. I can't help but think that her kids are going to start to vent about not seeing their dad. H told his aunt that he does not see a future in this relationship with OW. H is also concerned about me losing so much weight. Right now we are just talking thru his aunt. H spent Saturday night with OW and Sunday. In someways I feel if they get physical the relationship will wither alot faster but who knows? H's aunt encouraged him to go to counseling. Like I said they talked non stop for 4 hours. I'm just taking care of myself at this point and realizing that this part of their relationship has nothing to do with me at this point. H's aunt told me that I used to be the nag and OW was the thoroughbred and to turn that around so I am keeping my distance and leaving him with the image of me tanned skinnier and have worked on the issues that drove him away. OW will start to weather soon she has three kids to take care of and has to find a new place to live when her parents return. I am just hoping and praying at this point.

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Sounds like H's aunt is a godsend, and could do a lot to push the both of you into a workshop or therapy. H needs to get over the guilt and shame that's keeping him from facing you. <P>A communication of that delicacy may not be easy to do without him shutting down or you making a misstep. H's aunt is the best go-between, and seems willing enough. You need to give him a message of acceptance and love through her. <P>Weigh your words very carefully, he's going to be skittish. Good luck.


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