As part of the fallout of last Thurs incident, x is being even less communicative, if that is possible, than before.<P>She was to take the kids for the weekend and had on the schedule, pick up Sat morning(I have been trying to get time committment for a year now). Usually she had told the kids, but not me when she would pick them up. But as of Fri nite they hadn't.<P>So she called and asked for son at 9:15a on Sat and said she would pick them up at 10:00 as son had soccer game. Daughter had friend sleep over and they were still awake when x called and no plans had been made for friend to go home as of yet. <P>D didn't want to go to soccer game so I said x could pick her up on way back from game. X told d she wouldn't come back her(it is not out of way and x only lives two miles away). So I end up taking d to x's after s's soccer game.<P>Then last nite, d calls and asks me to bring over 2 movies she had rented Fri nite and some Kool-Aid. I said have your mother do it and d said x said she wouldn't. I told her I was not going to do that either. SHe was mad of course and hung up.<P>Then today, d called twice. First she left a message when I was at church, could I bring over some things she needed for school or could she stop later and get them.<P>Before I could call back, she called again and asked me to take her for lunch because x had taken s to mall. I asked why she didn't go too. SHe said she was supposed to go with friends, but that they weren't coming back till late and she had homework to do so she didn't go. I asked why mother hadn't fed them and she said that they were eating at mall. <P>So I ended up picking up d and getting her something to eat and her clothes she needed. As I was dropping her off, her brother came out, they were back from mall, and said he just called and needed me to bring some school things over. I told him no, as I had just made the trip and he said, x didn;t want to bring him over. She finally brought him over later.<P>Part of the problem that x didn;t want to bring them over, although, she never wants to, is that my ladyfriend was there when she picked up my son on Sat.<P>So I am not sure if the kids, especially my d , kept calling beacuse my ladyfriend was there and d was marking her territory(me) or if she/truly needed things and x now refuses to come over.<P>My question is, should I drop what I am doing and run to the kids when they are at x's, even though IMO they are the x's responsibility at that time and risk being wrapped around their fingers even more than I am. Nothing of the things thye have needed are that serious, although proper clothing for Jr Hi can be critical , and while they may be hungry, no one is starving to death.<P>Or should I tell them, that since they are at their mother's, don' call unless it is life or death, make sure you take everything you need for the time you are there and the day/s after. Is that essentially telling them "don't bother me when you are at your mothers" ?<P>I know I am an easy touch and being divorced has probably made me worse, I proably overcompensate for things when the kids are involved, but I don't want to raise spoiled kids and I don't want to be taken advantage of.<P>As for my dating, it has only been when the kids are at their mothers, so I am not taking time away from them.<P>Thanks!!<P>Bob

Bob,<P>I am not really experienced in this problem, but I was just talking to one of my close friends about something very similar.<P>She has been divorced 7 years now. She left her H because he was abusing her, so badly that now this many years later, she has bone fragments in her spinal fluid blocking something to her brain from being smashed against things. They have 3 boys together, who are now 17, 15 and 13. So for the past 7 years, her kid have lived with the dad, but she has done what you do. She carts the kids to everything, spends a ton of money on them, etc, and when they need to go somewhere, she does it. <P>Now 7 years later, she was just saying today, that her kids expect it to the point where they don't appreciate it and if she can't do it, the ex won't help, and her kids scream at her. She was telling me to set some ground rules now, early on with the ex, so this doesn't happen to me, since my kids are in mega sports and other social functions, and with 3, its tough already!<P>In my case, when the ex has the kids, it is his responsibility for what ever is going on. If one doesn't want to stay over because of a party, my kids have to ask him and he does the transportation, AND buys the gift for that week. If they have a field trip, he decides if he can take them and calls if he can't. It seems to be working ok. This coming from someone who didn't take any responsibility for 10 years, but also won't take the kids for a week, or even 4 days so I can get a break. <P>So I can't really offer too much in the way of experience, but I would say there probably is a good borderline of whats being a good parent, and whats doing a little too much, where the kids are going to take it for granted. <P>As the parent left behind to be a full time single parent, its hard NOT to get ticked off at the ex for not taking more responsibility . Wouldn't it be nice to work when you want, go on vacation when you want, and only have to worry about kids 2 days a week but get the same love from the kids?<P>Good luck, I hope you get some replies that can help you.<BR>Dana<BR>

I hopethat you enjoy your ladyfriend's company.<P>While I have had HUGE issues re the kids, I have, in the few times he has taken a kid...(unless he has opened his door for them to live with him...another MAJOR problem as they "escape" from responsibility and parenting) made it clear that I will do zero for them. Since he does no parenting at all, when they are with him they are his responsibility 100% If he and the kids cannot cope,that is not my problem...(Until 3 weeks ago I had 2 nights without a child in my home, son suddenly bonded, spent a weekend and then moved out!.)<P>When kids are with their mom, it is your time....not because you choose this,but due to the fact that X and kids all need to take greater responsibility...for taking their things when they have to,getting fed. You are not a hotel manager I would think,but a caring parent who does want the best for the kids. They will not "like you" but they will learn and grow up better for this.<P>Good luck....and let X know when she has to pick up kids...let kids know as well and make sure this happens more frequently than not!!!!!