Hi friends,<P>Have you ever been in a relationship that went perfect. At some point , things were moving too quick and you start thinking of "the future" way too soon? Your still in love but feel overwhelmed by all the new stresses that come with moving closer and closer. Maybe its that you find half of his stuff is at your house all the time. Maybe its that you see him every day, why not live together. But your just not ready for that long term thought yet?<P>So then you decide, you care too much to let go and don't want to walk away, you just miss the simpler times in the beginning. <P>Have you ever slowed down. Saw each other less. Limited the phone calls. But focused on the less time you have together as getting back to more quality. <P>I guess in a way it almost reminds me of a troubled relationship and the one spouse does a Plan A and at the end either moves to Plan B and it works or it doesn't. Maybe its not as closely related as that, but just thinking out loud. <P>Maybe I should go over to the recovery forum and ask this.<P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Dana! I read your post yesterday but I didn't have time to reply. I'm glad that you and your BF talked. My post yesterday was going to comment on his avoiding you. I was feeling that it was a big red flag in the communication department. It was obvious that he had issues and I was getting a bit upset that he was avoiding them instead of talking to you about them. I read this morning that the two of you did talk and I was happy to read that. In some ways I'm proud of him for really thinking about what it would be like having all 5 kids. Since my family is "blended" I know how hard it can be. Oh it has some wonderful points too but it is difficult. He's right, he has concerns about his own two kids right now and he's afraid to add 3 more to the pot. Not to mention that you each have ex's to work with. The only advice that I can give you is that you need to keep your communication very strong. My husband and I do well because of our ability to communicate with each other. We are open and honest about our feelings in regards to how we raise our children. So far we have been able to work through all issues. In all honesty, if we ever had any problems in our marriage it had to do with our ex's. And they were not relationship problems between the two of us, but rather dealing with the stress of the ex's. You do not find instant love in a blended family and your mother-in-law is correct, you do have different feelings for your own children. Even when you care about your step kids it's a different kind of love then what you have for your own. But what is important is that you treat them all with love and respect and you respect the love that their parents have for them. The kids start to love and care for you by the way that you treat them. If you love and respect them they start to trust you and love you. For instance, my son broke his arm a couple of weeks ago during his weekend visit at his father's. He was at a birthday party rollerblading when it happened. He tried a number of times to reach his father (since his father was the one responsible for him over the weekend) but he could not reach him. He called me and I met him at the hospital. My husband came with and we were both there the entire time through his surgery. We could not reach the ex until we were home and the only reason we could reach him is because my ex father in law tracked him down. My son commented how his step-father was there for him, his own was not. Well, the arm didn't heal correctly and he needed yet another surgery this past Wednesday. Again, he could not reach his father. His step dad was at the hospital every step of the way. His father head from my ex father in law that his son has surgery again and do you think he ever called to even check on him? No. What is happening is that the bond that should be between father and child is developing between step father and step son. It's the love, respect and dedication that happens over time. So, what I'm trying to say is that it's ok to slow down because the process of caring doesn't happen over night or even in a few months. It can actually take a few years. If your boyfriends ex is dating and will introduce her boyfriend that is even more people being tossed into the kids lives. How confusing for the poor little things. Take it slow and if it's in the cards you'll be thankful for the way you handled it. Your a good woman, Dana. Best of luck.

((((BONNIE))))))<P>Thanks for the reply. Some of it makes me so emotional!<P>I agree, this was not the best way to handle the confusion (shutting me off), but we learned from it. It shouldn't happen again like that.<P>Second, I am proud of him too for being honest and thinking realistically about our future. Meaning can he handle it. One thing to point out, is a few years from now, my kids will be 13, 11 and 5. All 3 in school, his will be 11 and 5. No more diapers, crying in the night. Sure we'll have teenagers, but hey, I remember being 12 - 17 and hardly ever home. <P>I know my kids are good kids and I try hard with them. So does he. At least neither of us are neglecting the kids and thinking of them here.<P>I do think that your right, the stress of the ex's are worse. I reached a new understanding with mine last week and we are now "friends". No more of him being mean in front of OW. He has to show me respect or I'm refusing to deal with him or make favors. He actually appologized and said we have to work together for a long time, lets just get along like friends. He even talked to me about this current problem and told me that even he still has regrets about losing me, but its too late for us. He thinks my bf is a great guy (long way from him hating him months ago) and that he would be a good guy around our kids.<P>So, I agree, it could be very very hard at times, but the rewards are worth it to. I can't walk away from someone who is sweet, kind ,faithful, respectful. Yes, he spoils me and I needed it after years of neglect. <P>The way I see it, its too soon to give up just yet. I also think that he'll not see my kids in such a fearful way when he and his ex get their kids back on track. Thanks for the advice! hugs, Dana

Hey Dana:<P>I'm jumping from your other post to this one.<P>Yes, my first bf and I do still keep in touch by email. He doesn't have children. I have two young girls (4 and 6 1/2). We didn't break up over the kids, we broke up over other concerns. We decided that we need time apart to work through issues and that we would see where we both were emotionally, etc. in May. We just send inspirational emails, jokes and updates occassionally to each other. We are both dating other people during this time and I'm not sure if there will be a future for us but I haven't ruled that out.<P>I understand the concerns regarding children. As you know, my children are in therapy now and I have been reading lots of books on the subject. It will never be easy having kids and dating and possibly remarrying someday. But, I don't think we can put our lives on hold while they grow up. It will always affect the kids no matter how old they are. We need to be aware of all the factors involved and think through everything we are doing so that we can handle each situation in the best way. I think it is good that your bf is stepping back and thinking about what your relationship means and how it will affect the children. You do need to come up with a plan on how to make it work. I think it might be beneficial for you both to talk to a counselor about all that you are dealing with now. It sounds like you both have too much invested in your relationship and there is such potential there that it would be hard to walk away from that no matter how complicated it has become and will continue to be in the future.<P>My parents were married 40 years ago. My Mother had two girls (7 and 5) when she met my Dad. They got married and then had three more girls, I am the youngest of those girls. My parents made it work but not without problems with my half sisters along the way. My parents did not handle it very well at all. My Dad just came in and took over and my Mom just sat back and let that happen. My oldest sister is still angry about it all (40 years later). So, I think it is important that you really consider the children's feelings every step of the way. The book I just read was called "Don't Divorce Us". Excellent book from the kid's perspective. It has chapters dealing with dating and step parenting. I think that would be a great book for your bf and you to read.<P>It does make you really think about what is involved in the whole process. I must admit it made me step back and re-evaluate how important it is to take your time in relationships. There is so much at stake, you need to make sure you are in the right relationship not only for yourself but for your kids.<P>I hope everything works out for you. <P>Jen

Dana,<BR>How did you go about having your x met your bf? Was it early on or when you became more serious??<P>Bob

BOB, one time 5 months into it, ex dropped the kids off early. Him and OW were standing there watching me and BF kiss and seem madly crazy happy, you know that beginning mushy stage. Of course, ex walked to front of house and was mad. Then ex asked to be introduced to know who his kids were with.<P>I talked to BF and the next pickup, he was there, and just was waiting as ex came in the door. BF introduced himself and shook ex's hand. <P>The kids tell me daddy wiped his hand off in the car, daddy denies it, lol.<P>But since, bf, keeps out of the pickups even if he's here. My ex thinks bf is an ok guy and should come out and be more friendly. My bf thinks ex is still a creep for what he does to me, so thats all he's ready for. Hope that answers it.<P>Oh and YES it was terribly awkward, and OW was checkin my BF out too, I was TICKED!<P>Dana<BR>