My H had the A and has said it is over. But previous to it ending, he had said he didn't want to work on the marraige. Since his A has ended(per him)he said to our mediator that he does not want reconciliation. I wrote him a plan A letter.<P>I believe he has been being nice to me so we can be friends and get along (for the sake of the kids) so I won't "take" him for whatever. How am I supposed to say, Oh well, lets be friends. It is okay that you had an affair and our 14 year marriage is over without even trying to fix it together. Yaeh, it didn't work out so lets be friends. My heart is so broken, how can I be "friends" and nice,nice to someone who destroyed by life and my kids life. I don't understand all this.<P>Who has had this expereince and what did you do, feel. Why do they act this way.<P>Hopelessmom

Dear Hope,<P>Again we meet on the same subject. I was just going to post the same question on the general questions II section. I am including a statement on my H's last e-mail. Boy are patterns are too similar. Maybe the H's should meet and compare notes. <P>I don't understand that let's be friends statement. I asked H, would you let any friend do to you what you have done to me and still call them a friend? H said no. <P><BR>L.

My H said the exact same thing. He wants us to remain friends. He wants out of a marriage that we both know can be saved but he refuses to do what it takes and work on it. Now he expects me to be friends??? Right now I say there is no way. I will be civil so that we can negotiate terms for the divorce and co-parent the children but don't come to me with tales of your latest gf. I had to move to plan B to protect myself emotionally. It was too hard having him here knowing how he felt. Not that I don't pick up the phone to call him several times a day or type e-mails that never get sent. i just remind myself that I will only end up getting hurt by his lack of emotion and response. I figure now that the only way our marriage will work is if he wants it to so I'm letting go or at least trying to. I'm letting him deal with some of the realities that he is asking for. Actually he broke the no contact yesterday as the kids had not wanted to talk to him for several days (3 days). He left a message that he wasn't sure if he was to call or if kids just did not want to talk to him. I could tell he was upset. Maybe the reality is sinking in a bit. I hold out very little hope that it will make any difference at this time as his attitude is I can give up anything and still be happy. <P>I truely hope that one day it won't hurt to think about him or look at him and perhaps we can even be friendly. But to me friends treat you with respect and honesty, something he couldn't even do in marriage so who needs a friend like him anyway? If he was truely a friend he would not be doing this. I don't really consider self-centered, self-serving people the type I would like to be friends with so why make an exception for my H.<P>Just my two cents worth. But I'm not in a position to be very objective right now!!!!

Dear Hope and HopeAZ,<P>Forgive me but HopeAZ, I agree with your perspective. To me you are right on target. What friend would any of us allow to treat us like the way WS and OWs treat us during their A? I would categorize those in the 'enemy' file and cut off any association with someone with that kind of character. And that is why it has been so hard. Cut off association with someone who you previously vowed to spend the rest of your life with, given your life and love to. <P>Wow. But if the choice is self preservation or abuse and let them take advantage of me. I must go for the first. Someone said in an earlier post (wish I could remember where I read it), that there are 4 stages and the last one is acceptance. That stage is where plans and clear thinking can be done. The other 3 carry a lot of emotion and ride on that infamous rollercoaster. We get off that ride in the acceptance stage and can focus on ourselves and family. <P>I want to be in that stage. I need to be there for myself and my family. Reading that post helped me make it through yesterday, which was a bad one for me. <P>Your posts are very encouraging and I read them with great respect. <P>Thanks again, <BR>L.<p>[This message has been edited by Orchid (edited March 26, 2001).]