I'm curious, has anyone here actually reconcilled with their WS after a prolonged and distanced seperation?<BR> I've more or less given up all hope for my relationship due to the fact that we now live 250 miles away from each other and have not spoken on the phone in over a month. Is there ever any hope of coming back from something like this?<BR> He's tried to call but I won't answer the phone, when we talk all I used to get was rejection and I just can't handle any more of that.

I would get into trouble for being on here (he doesn't like this website--truth hurts) but he's out to the field right now, can't read, neener neener.<P>Yes, we just got back together after a year long separation. We had not seen each other for more than a year--he was on one continent, I on another. It was not a friendly separation, either. He would call asking to talk, we would fight. I would call, asking to talk, we would fight. The divorce papers were drawn up.<P>Don't ask me how we got to where we are right now, I am still trying to figure it out. For the most part, it's friendly, but I don't trust him (something that was unheard of for me in our prior relationship) and he continues to be sneaky. We have a lot of work to do when he comes back from the field if this is going to be sucessful. I am keeping my fingers crossed.<P>There are plenty of people who get back together after a long separation--the important thing is not to keep making the same mistakes that were made before.

It's good to hear that someone did. The funny thing is that in this 2 month + seperation many of my H's "problems" with me have been rectified and through no real effort of my own. Just happened naturally as a result of necessity. My physical appearance was an issue, I've since dropped 40 pounds and since I was job less for the first couple of months here I worked out every day to relieve stress. I'm in the best shape of my life. I've also rediscovered that I'm a very sociable person and when not chained to another person am very outgoing. I've gotten more aggressive and productive due to having to be.<BR> All in all I am the same woman he met 10 years ago and many of the little(and not so little) habits I aquired in the course of our relationship have dissapeared. <BR> I guess you never realize the changes you take on in a long term relationship until you are away from it for a length of time. It's a shame it took this happening for me to realize them.

Hi... I know what you mean that it takes something like THIS to make the necessary changes. I remember once two years ago, my H said he wasn't happy and that we needed to make changes - everything to be different. I didn't know how to do that but I agreed anyway... well, the changes were not sustainable and the old patterns just crept back into the relationship. Recently, after having been in touch with former boyfriend, he revealed to me some patterns that caused him NOT to ask me to marry him. The surprising thing is that these are THE same issues that I have had with my H to this day. I'm kicking myself and very sad that it's come to this... my marriage is over (according to H) and it's my responsibility (well, both of ours).<P>So, I think we're heading for Separation - I've just picked up the book <I>Should I Stay or Go: Controlled Separation</I> and I have to say that it looks like my kind of stuff... because it's structured and there are indicators and a time frame - rather than day to day flow or in my view, the deep dark unknown. But my H says he has trouble with the term "Controlled" in the title of that book... So, I don't know... My hope is that there may be room for reconciliation if it's done well. <P>I hope for you that you'll find the way that works for you... in the face of rejection, I hope for your peace and stability and strength. I've been running my whole life from the prospects of rejection and now when it's come from the one person who I'd fear rejection the most, I'm finding that I can still stand in the face of it... So, have hope... good on ya for taking care of yourself. Continue to do that... find ways to "self soothe" and then once you've become a "differentiated" person your H may decide that it was you that he fell in love with! <P>God says, "It's not good for man to be alone" but that doesn't mean that it's not good for wo/man to be single - a unique person of God choosing to be with another. So, find yourself and maybe in that search your husband will also find you and not some bad female imitation or replication of himself.<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR>We cannot do everything at once... but we can do something at once

I was divorced last summer, and in January of this year, my ex moved back home. We were apart for 16 months while he lived with ow. Our divorce was very nasty so I never dreamed we'd ever be friends again, much less him moving back home. <P>Things are definitely not perfect, and he is not sure if he wants to be here as he still misses ow. Not to mention numerous other issues, but he is home and that is more than I ever thought would be possible. So, yes, it can happen. <P>I believe you are doing the right thing by working on yourself. You have accomplished a lot, so no matter what happens, you will be a stronger and happier person. Hang in there as only time will tell what will happen. Take care.<P>Tulip

6 years ago, my ex and I split up for a year, actually it was 15 months now that I think of it. Ex had a gf and cheated on me. Left me with a 4 and 2 and a half year old. It was nasty, and he never paid me support.<P>For some reason, and I don't know how, I was only 21 then, but my career took off, I bought a house, and was completely independent. He wanted to come back and I did it ONLY for the kids at first, but through counseling, fell in love all over again.<P>That recovery period was very painful for us both and we were not the same ever again, but a year later, we were at least "ok". I never once believed he'd do it to me again.<P>So to answer your question, I've done this route before with my now exH. I highly doubt he would "ever" want to come back, so I don't bother wondering about it. I even doubt that I would take him back if I really thought about it. If it didn't work for us after 3 kids, 11 years, and one recovery already, it will never work. Plus, I have my heart entangled with someone else now.<P>But it DEFINETLY happens. I think it happens more than we realize too. Just go read the recovery board sometime! <P>Hugs to you, Dana<BR>

Thanks, in the past two months I've had a lot of time to be introspective and I've come to realize that my major flaw in my marriage was that I "lost" myself to my husband. Basically, I built my entire life around him and based all of my needs on him and in the end it either made me a very boring person to him or put too much pressure on him. My h was always very persistant in his rejection of any committment and I think when age thirty came along and he sat back and looked at his life he realized that he was up to his ears in committments; to me, to work, to the debt we accumulated.<BR> Now these are natural parts of life and committments that we all end up with eventually; I'm really not interested in justifying his affair and the subsequent break up of our marriage at the OW's behest. It did not help matters that he began voicing concerns about our relationship after he had alerady become emotionally attached to the OW and so really too late to put the brakes on the affair(I did not find out until it had already went from EA to PA) But had I not neglected myself and made sure that I had a life outside of my h this may not have happened in the first place.

Robert lived with PT for about 7 months. He's been home more than a year and we're doing well.<P>Lori

(((LORI)))<BR>I'm happy to hear your doing well.<P>Nduli,<P>I am also guilty of letting my life revolve around my h. I had a great career and lots of friends, but I was most happy with him and doing things for him so I left a lot behind. Its not fair for us to blame ourselves for being "too committed". But I don't doubt that it didn't make an already "commitment shy" person feel worse at times, but it certainly is not the cause or an excuse for an affair either. I have a big problem with finding out after it was too late that he had issues. I'm guilty of not noticing the warning signs, but I would have not betrayed my husband like that.<P>The key is that we rebuild our life for US and make it plentiful with friends, family , career, achievements, and everything else we need to make our life complete. Then if the right man comes along and fits into it all, then we'll not have made that same sacrifice twice. I know I can't sacrifice it all again, even though I have started too in the past, deep down I know it when I am doing the wrong thing.<P>If you still want to hang onto hope that he may come back, there is nothing unrealistic about it. But in the meantime build your life back up again! <P>Hugs, Dana<BR>

My husband moved out 2 years ago, and 12 days later filed for divorce. There was, of course, someone else. To make a long story short, 7 months later he approached me about moving home as a roommate. He didn't have feelings for me, but thought it would be good for the kids and finances. Well, that was what I was waiting to hear--sort of!!! I just knew that in time, things would work out. We dropped the divorce. Two months later, he was gone again. I refiled this time. He was back with the OW again. She had moved on to her next victim but didn't bother telling my husband. He had a terrible time with withdrawal from her when she finally told him. He was finally finished with her by July last year, but it took more time to get over her. By February of this year, I had signed the final papers, and he was stalling. I had refinanced "my" house, and FINALLY gotten over him. I was doing well and FINALLY enjoying myself. I told him that when the divorce was final, I would not be interested in even friendship with him (that's what HE wanted). I was drawing the line. Well, instead, we ended up going to the MB weekend seminar in March. He did a complete turnaround over the weekend. I think that my letting go forced him to realize what he was losing, but he must have been ready for a change deep down, or it wouldn't have happened. I wish I had moved on when he left the first time like everybody kept telling me. I was just emotionally unable to do that at the time. So here we are, working on putting things back together slowly but surely. We're following the guidelines, because the feelings aren't totally there yet, and we want to do it right this time. Hopefully things will work out--we've been together for 20 years. It's only been a month so far, but it's so different this time. He tells me that there's no way we won't make this work. Good luck to you!

{{{Trixie}}} Good luck!