These are the steps that people go through in the adjustment process to losing a love relationship. Here's the list:<P>1)Denial--I can't believe this is happening to me!!!<BR>2)Fear--I am afraid to go on; afraid no one will ever love me!<BR>3)Adaptation--This always worked when I was a kid.<BR>4)Loneliness--I've never felt so alone!!<BR>5)Friendship--Where have all my old friends gone?<BR>6)Guilt/Rejection--Dumpees find it hard to accept that they have been rejected; dumpers feel guilty<BR>7)Grief--There's this terrible feeling of loss!!<BR>8)ANGER--Damn that S.O.B!!!! <BR>9)Letting go--Disentangling is HARD to do.<BR>10)Self-Worth--I'm not really so bad after all : )<BR>11)Transition--I'm waking up and taking out the trash.<BR>12)Openness--I've been hiding behind a mask!<BR>13)Love--Could someone really care for me?<BR>14)Sexuality--I'm interested, but I'm scared.<BR>15)Singleness--You mean, it's okay? You really learn to be whole and complete within yourself.<BR>16)Purpose--I have goals for the future.<BR>17)Freedom!!<P>I'm not sure why, but I thought this might be helpful to you'all. I think I never got beyond step #10 or 11, but that disentangling IS hard to do!!<P>To quote Bumper, "Hugs and stuff"!<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I think I have hit #15. Closing in on #16 as I am finally starting to make some short term/long term plans without her.<P>BTW: She sent an email to me today - It said, "Here is my new email address for you, and if you still want an anullment, let me know what I have to do"... Right now, I want no parts of her! I mean I still care and worry about her (and love her), but I don't care to talk, email, or write her AT ALL. Maybe never again. Is it possible to love someone, but not want to be in-contact with them??????<P>Mike<P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Pretty good there Faithful! I think there are overlaps and reoccurences (relapses) of each step along the way. I sometimes experience some of the earlier steps (especially anger) as I move up the ladder. The anger in my case has to do with my 2 timin' wrong side of the tracks STBXW taking our D 125 miles away from her Daddy.<P>Jay <p>[This message has been edited by catamount82 (edited May 04, 2001).]

Jay,<P>Do I hear a little anomosity? Possibly a little resentment with an irritation frosting?<P>You know, that is a good point about relapsing and experiencing the steps out of order, because I was just hitting the #13 or #14 range on my own, and really starting to experience the joy of being alive and myself. <P>I wonder if people go through these same steps in other circumstances, like there is an affair but they stay together? Hmmm... thoughts to ponder, now think about it.<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by SoTired2000:<BR><B><P>BTW: She sent an email to me today - It said, "Here is my new email address for you, and if you still want an anullment, let me know what I have to do"... Right now, I want no parts of her! I mean I still care and worry about her (and love her), but I don't care to talk, email, or write her AT ALL. Maybe never again. Is it possible to love someone, but not want to be in-contact with them??????<P>Mike<BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Certainly, I was in that mode a couple of weeks ago when I was more interested in licking my wounds then allowing him the oppotunity to open new ones. A reasonable response towards someone who's in self-destruct mode and bent on taking you with them.<BR>

CJ<P>I see you are reading rebuilding when the relationship ends. Don't forget to mention that you don't necessarily go thru these stages in the order listed, and you can go backwards and forwards before reaching the end. <P>CJ, I thought you were/are in recovery? Did you read this a while ago, or now?<BR>Hugs, Dana<BR>

Great list, although I'm not sure that I have ever dealt with step #8. It's like I skipped right over it. I think that anger would be a good phase, but I may never experience that one, or at least not that strongly.<P>Mike, I'm confused....Maybe I have just been out of the loop or missed a post, but what the heck does "and if you still want an anullment, let me know what I have to do" mean? You lost me there. Either that or my head is somewhere it shouldn't be

I am definately skipping all around that list. Didn't deal with #8 either, good or bad-don't know. I am looking forward to moving past the self-doubt thing. <P>#16 is a biggy, setting goals for the future is soooooo important.<P>

DanaB,<P>I read that book "Rebuilding" by Dr. Bruce Fisher last year, in Feb. 2000 when my H first left, so . . . nope you're not losing it. I thought it was such a good book that I wrote about it, so the other day when Tex asked why he was feeling so angry, I dug it out again.<P>Lately, I've been contemplating if people go through similar but somewhat different steps, in recovering from an affair. It's an interesting thought.<P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I think I'm in and around step #12 or lucky #13..<P>Tex.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jayhawk 93:<BR><B>Mike, I'm confused....Maybe I have just been out of the loop or missed a post, but what the heck does "and if you still want an anullment, let me know what I have to do" mean? You lost me there. Either that or my head is somewhere it shouldn't be </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I mentioned to her about a year ago that I will have to get an anullment after we get divorced. But since then I really have not brought it up at all. An anullment is a process in the Catholic church that goes to discover whether a "valid" marriage existed in the first place. You see you are only allowed to be married in the Catholic church once in your life. Unless the church can determine that when you married there was a reason why the marriage wasn't valid (like one spouse was married before, or you entered the marriage not believing that it was meant to be forever, or due to a mental defect you were not aware of the responsibilities that came with the vows you made, etc..), you can't be "legally" married again in the church.<P>Being true to my religion is something that is VERY important to me, so before I ever get married again I will need to seek an anullment of my previous marriage.<P>But my issue is why bring this up to me now? Is she trying to seem like a "good person" now? Do I care? And why give me her new email address when she won't even give me her new living address in CA? Afraid I am going to stalk her? Give me a break - I have MUCH better things to do with my life.<P>I swear I think she thinks we are just going to be "buddy-buddy" from now on in. She is in for a rude awakening. Unless she is in trouble and needs my help or unless she admits she messed up and wants to see if we can try again, I have no need to talk to her or hear from her. I am not being mean or callous here - I just tried too hard for too long to be her buddy. Wish I could, but I can't.<P>She never ceases to amaze me...<BR>Mike<P><P>------------------<BR>God always waits for the right time to do the right thing in the right way.

Thanks for the clarification, Mike. <P>I completely understand and respect your desire to be “true” to your religious beliefs, especially when it comes to something that was against your will. I recently sent an email to the pastor who performed my wedding just to get his take from a biblical standpoint as to the whole “divorce through God’s eyes” concept. I found his response to be somewhat of a relief to be honest. Although Jewish law does not condone divorce, it is accepted ( I believe). However, divorce is not something that I truly believe in (outside of abusive circumstances of course).<P>Anyway, I think your ex is probably still feeling somewhat guilty about this whole thing and knowing how important your religion is to you, she is probably just doing what she feels is right in her heart to help you with the annulment. I’m sure the way you’ve handled yourself and the respect you have shown her through this ordeal has probably contributed to this guilt. I wouldn’t question her motives too much.<P>As for the whole email address vs. home address issue, email is not as personal or as (potentially) obtrusive as knowing where she lives. She probably isn’t as worried about you “stalking” her as she is about just having her privacy. I know, she can’t get be much more private since she has moved to the exact opposite edge of the country, but she probably doesn’t see a reason for you to have that information. The email account was a gesture by her that you could still reach her if you wanted and it gives her the freedom to respond on her own timetable.<P>My ex has recently moved to a new location and her old phone number was since disconnected. I still have her work phone and email, but not the phone of her new place. She has not offered it and I have not asked for it. She knows how to reach me if she needs me, I can reach her at her office and I have left it at that. She commented many months ago when she first moved away that she was afraid to give me her address for fear that I might start stalking! I, like you, have better things to do with my time.<P>Take care and have a good weekend <BR><p>[This message has been edited by Jayhawk 93 (edited May 05, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jayhawk 93:<BR><B>... she was afraid to give me her address for fear that I might start stalking! I, like you, have better things to do with my time.<P>Take care and have a good weekend </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jayhawk, that's a girl a little too enamored with herself. I'm sorry, I had never heard part that before.<P>Amazing...<P><P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

Another good one!

I've been through and still going through them...<p>Mike, and C00ker..good to see you two still lurk [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Mike, sorry about whats going on w/ your ex...<p>have you two checked out the EN's forum on those who have made a difference in our lives?? if not you should..

Quick note on the annullment - there is also "defect of form" meaning a Catholic (me) marries someone in a civil or some other religious ceremony. Ya gotta have a priest. I am getting my annullment on those grounds so I don't have to bring up all the dirty stuff.

CJ - you got Nick and Shawn both to post here. You are awesome, my friend.<p>Jayhawk - I thought you and x were talking again and going out. She moved but won't tell you address or home phone number? That seems weird.<p>cOOker - I think of you every time I see a Miata. How is Skootz? And how is Nicholas?<p>I can't believe it's been well over a year since I talked to either of you wonderful men. I guess I'm not the ultimate princess. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img]

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by cinderella:
<strong>CJ - you got Nick and Shawn both to post here. You are awesome, my friend.<p>Jayhawk - I thought you and x were talking again and going out. She moved but won't tell you address or home phone number? That seems weird.<p>cOOker - I think of you every time I see a Miata. How is Skootz? And how is Nicholas?<p>I can't believe it's been well over a year since I talked to either of you wonderful men. I guess I'm not the ultimate princess. [img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] </strong><hr></blockquote><p>
Princess C,<p>go back and look at the dates of their posts, this is old. God is in Control pulled up an old thread and most of the replies are old also. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img]