X<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

Here is a post with links for Plan A/B & many other helpful concepts & articles...hope this helps!<BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A>

<A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <P>Cantletgo,<P>I read your other post and this one as well. It sounds as if your H is having at the very least an EA (emotional affair), but I wouldn't eliminate the possibility of a PA (physical affair).<P>If you can't afford to buy anything right now, this site has a wealth of information. Start at <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com" TARGET=_blank>www.marriagebuilders.com</A> and read everything you can. Click on everything. Much of the important things from DR Harley's books are right here on the web. Then you can also start reading all the forums and get some kind of insight to what we all go thru during the Plan A.<P>I would suggest reading under Just Found Out , or Plan A for some ideas also.<P>Either way, it is not healthy that your H has turned to someone else. Whether she is married or not, she is not being completely faithful to her H if she has someone else's H over when her's is out working. If their relationship is so "platonic" then why is your H not over there when her H is home.<P>These are just some questions I know I'd wonder about.<P>But you should also read about what LoveBusters are and I think that is in Plan A also. <P>I don't see how 9 years later your H can blame all of this on your not cooking or cleaning enough if you worked and went to school. There has to be some other issues involved, and if not, then I guess its a good start that you try to make those changes. Some men apparently like a wife that keeps the home very orderly (domestic support). You should read into His Needs , Her Needs from the Harley's as well. Start to figure out what your H's needs are and start meeting them.<P>If you can't buy a book, go take it out of the library. Try His Needs Her Needs, How to Survive an Affair or any other book by the Harley's. <P>I suppose I shouldn't say this, but you can also go to Barnes and Noble and go to the relationship section and quick scan the books there to start. But I think the website has a lot to offer.<P>As soon as you can afford it, I'd recommend purchasing them because I STILL read mine over and over. <P>If someone doesn't get back to you on a post, its probably just that they have their own issues that have come up. I know LostHusband is going thru some things too, as myself a major ordeal. Start reading and posting some support to others when you can find the strength and you'll make some new friends that can offer you the best support you'll ever find. I found that out after I posted my recent dilemma and got so many responses, that it made me cry.<P>You'll get there one way or another, but its a long hard road. Maybe if the h gets a different job, that would help.<P>GOod luck, Dana<BR>

cantletgo,<P>I don't have the magic answer to your question but let me offer some advice that I learned from my situation.<P>First, read all the information on this site. It will explain a Plan A better than I ever could. Trying to "save" your relationship will be very difficult. Right now, you need to focus on you not your husband. I know that you're consumed with your problems but this has to happen first. Make sure that you stay healthy.<P>If you want to "win" your husband back do you think that you can do it by begging, pleading, crying, not eating, and argueing. These behaviors typically would make your husband want more than anything to leave and they make it easier for him to walk away from this "crazy" woman.<P>You need to show your husband the side of you that he doesn't expect. You need to show him that you are happy and that you will be OK without him. You need to stop all argueing immediately it takes two to argue. Is this going to be tough? Hell yes.<P>We've established that you husband is having at least an emotional affair, let's assume he is having a physical affair. What good will come from you confronting him? If he is having an affair do you still want him? The only thing that will ever result from confrontation is an arguement. We have already said no more argueing.<P>Give him some space and don't let him feel any pressure. Show him your OK. If he wants affection than give it to him with all your heart.<P>Remember, if he files for divorce you can still apply these principles. I know it's difficult but I've been applying them for a couple of months and now I'm applying them since my wife filed. Sure I've fell off the wagon a couple of times and that is probably why my wife went ahead and filed. I control my destiny not my wife.<P>Dear, the road you are about to travel is possibly the most difficult you'll ever face. With any outcome the first step needs to be you staying healthy and happy.<P>I hope this helps during this most troubled time. Your family is in my prayers.<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-

X<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

Thanks Bill, I did not see your post right away. Hes convinced I dont love him & I know now that this was a very important need for him (maybe too late). I want to meet his needs but he wont let me & will barely speak a word except civilities. I was afraid that me going about my own business would enforece his belief I dont love him. <P>Thanks for answering me. I wish you the best & hope you will have more time with your children.<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

Hello,<P>Your post interests me very much. I too still live with my H, and he had an affair as well. It was an EA. He saw her every day, and confided in her not me. Gave me absoloutely no hope. He has hurt me deeply on several occasions as well. Would cringe whenever I tryed to touch him. I kept pushing and pushing. Confronting him all the time whenever I found incriminating evidence. Your H is not willing to work on the marraige right now, so dont expect him to comfort you when you find evidence of his affair.<P>Plan A IS NOT about winning your H back. It is about your own personal growth. Becoming a better person in the face of trajedy. It is applicable to marraiges because ususally you begin to stop the begging and pleading. It brings about self-respect. But!!It also requires you to put your best foot forward with your spouse. Showing unconditional love w/o arguing and manipulating. Hell ya it hurts like hell. I venture to say you will NEVER face greater pain than this, with the exception of losing a child.<P>Read "Love Must Be Tough", by Dr. Dobson. It shows you how to 'let go', and gaiin some self respect. And continue in the meantime to plan a. Be a safe harbor for your H, even when he hurts you. I am in a dilema right now myself. You can read my recent post. Use this board alot, bring us your questions. My H has gone from being repulsed at my touch, to pursuing me physically. Now that I have planned on moving away, he is askiing me to stay. <P>When I first decided to leave he took it hard. I told him I must gain some self-worth, and accept his desire for a D. He said to me one night, to just let him go. I replied that I already had. He began to cry, and told me that leaving me is the hardest thing he has ever had to do. That he hates himself for it. Do you know why, cantletgo, he shared this with me? Because I, in the face of heartbreak, continued to show him 'safe' love. And most importantly, distance. Even though you are married, you dont have the right to make ANY demands on him now, including explanations of the OW. He is still with you at the moment. And during this time, love him like never before. Meet his needs if possble. Give it time. If you can hold off on the 'demands', and just be loving and accepting, eventually he will realize what he is losing.<P>And, if worse comes to worse, you will exit the marraige knowing that you gave you best at saving it. And you will have so much more respect for your self.<P>Love,<BR>Dara

Dara: Wow. Our situation has a lot in common. How did you find the strength to be willing to let go & say ok when he asked? <BR> <BR>I really need to follow your advise. Its hard not to react when he gets in my face begging me to let him leave & wanting me to say its totally over. (I cant).How its all my fault & hes done with me. I think I need that Dobson book bigtime! Best of luck & keep an eye on me! Im not as smart or as strong as you are. <p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited May 30, 2001).]

Hi there,<P>Cant talk too long as I leave for work in an hour. Me strong? Ha. Read my other posts, I am a whimpering baby. First things first. Can you quit the job? It would drive me insane to see him w/ OW instead of me. It is just plain disrespectful to say the least. I know its hard, but when you get caught up in this it just makes it worse. Dont even speak to her. She has alot to do with the breakup of your marraige, and she does NOT deserve your time of day. It is turning into a recess contest...Who gets to play with who. Dont buy into it.<P>As far as the giving up thing, reading that book will explain how you CAN do it w/o giving up hope. Really, you cant control him. You cant make him change his mind. But you can influence him by showing him that you do love him albeit he is giving up. Letting go in that aspect does NOT mean giving up. Nor does it iimplie lying. Read the book I suggested. Read all you can about plan A. Your situation is not unique, as probly a vast majority of us here have a third party involved, and their WS do not want any needs met.<P>Do you have any children? Do you pray? Go to church, read your bible? Have you asked for redemption, and to be forgiven? God loves you, and knew you and loved you even before you were concieved. You are not alone. God promises us comfort, and he will not turn His face away from your agony. His shoulder is the biggest to cry on!! I know you want a quick fix here. This will take time. How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time.<P>God Bless,<BR>Dara