Why do you go with GF to her work place? Did you do this before? <P>Anyway, what is up with that incompetent atty? Whatever.<P>So, does your XW know that your GF works there yet or not? Has SHE actually seen you? Wonder what her reaction to that will be...?<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

In the past, I often kept XW company when she worked late or on weekends. I had a notebook computer and often took work with me that I had transferred from my desktop computer. Later, the notebook became inadequate to the task and I did that less (XW actually cited it as a reason we grew apart, and I could kick myself for not being more aggressive about upgrading or something--I <I>did</I> upgrade the data transfer [from floppies using PKZIP for compression to ethernet], but by the time I did so, the notebook itself was inadequate). <P>I just did the same for GF. I doublt XW would consider it out of the ordinary if she learned of it ... except that I'm <I>there</I> and not in one of the hundreds of other buildings in the area!

I'm struggling again. Another milestone is coming up. Unless I have been grossly misled, the final order was entered last July 19 (never did receive a copy, and I haven't wanted to go get one--although I suppose it might be something else that would bring <I>closure</I>). This brings me to the point of wanting to send an <I>anniversary present</I> to her boss. <P>I also have an innocuous item of hers I could package so that it would look like the plutonium ... boss would hand it to her and it would likely be all she could do to avoid <I>flipping out</I>. Or I could just sent the same thing to her attorney. She'd probably get the point. <P>Fortunately, I'll see my shrink in about a half-hour for my regularly-scheduled appointment.

What did your shrink say?<P>Is your surprise for her boss those CDroms again? I thought you were going to get rid of them? Or give them to someone so they wouldn't be a temptation.<P>I'm unclear... your divorce was final from last year 19 July and that's the anniversary coming up? <P>What's happening...? You sound pretty sad.<P>What is this gift you have? Forgive my ignorance here...<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Sisyphus,<BR>Just a suggestion. I would send her flowers with a card with only your name- no message. It will drive her crazy wondering what you are thinking. Plus, it would be a nice thing to do and would maybe help you put this behind you. Sometime you've got to figure out some way to keep from thinking of your XW so much. Of course I haven't figured that out for myself - so if you do-pass it on!!! I'm afraid it will hurt your new relationship if you don't. She sounds very important to you. And I know she would love to have you 100% to herself. So go for it!!<P>Hang in there.<P>SoSad.59<p>[This message has been edited by SoSad.59 (edited July 14, 2001).]

I'm mailing the innocuous disk to her lawyer as an item I am returning it to her. With any luck, she'll have a sudden flash of insight as to her vulnerability and it will drive her to be more forthcoming on the final details of wrapping up the divorce ... she and her attorney been a bit of a pain lately, and it's been a thorn in the side of my new relationship, although my GF is very patient. <P>I wouldn't think of her so much if she'd cooperate in finishing things up. It's like the time <I>Frasier</I> loaned <I>Roz</I> money, and suddenly her every expenditure was under his microscope. As long as this stuff is outstanding, she has to be on my mind. After church Sunday, I joined a few members looking at an old masonic building a couple of blocks away that may be donated for conversion into a church. As it happened, at the other end of the block is a branch library in whose lot I noticed a car similar to XW's when I passed. The on-street spot I got was near the library. Later when I went to feed the meter, I was unable to resist walking into the lot to satisfy my curiousity. Yep, it was hers. If things were wrapped, I don't think I would feel the need to do that.

Sisyphus,<BR>I understand what you mean about your STBXW dragging things out. It does keep you from totally moving on. I almost wonder if they do it on purpose. It feels like they like keeping one foot in your life. And it is so darn frustrating! I don't have any more advice than everyone has given here. But I do think it is great that you are mailing the disk. Regardless if it affects your wife's or her lawyer's actions, YOU did the right thing and acted with integrity. Good Job.<P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.

I think you give me too much credit. It's a <I>veiled threat</I> that I might mail the real thing somewhere else...<P>I know if she <I>gets it</I> she'll take it seriously ... there was only one warning before I dealt with the family secret problem. I see no reason to deliver more than one warning ... and it needn't be spelled out in plain english. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited July 18, 2001).]

Well, the innocuous <I>decoy/warning</I> disk should have reached her attorney yesterday, but I didn't hear anything back. A little of the sting was taken out of the anniversary of the final order by the discovery that the date was actually the 18th. So the anniversary had passed without my even realizing it. Guess that's one anniversary I don't mind forgetting! <P>On the other hand, yesterday the mindless state department of revenue sends me a letter saying the car I'm now driving changed hands for less than 80% of its NADA book loan value, so they need (within 30 days) a verification of the sale price or they want to charge me the tax on that plus a 2x penalty, which is a hefty chunk of change. It's not like this wasn't covered at the county tax assessor's office when I did the title transfer and got the tag. The car changed hands for $10, incident to a divorce. I don't owe them squat. It's just an unwelcome reminder.<P>Fortunately, I had taken a belt-and-suspenders approach to the transfer, and obtained a bill of sale (which I thought was near-worthless at the time, but only requested as copious documentation of the transaction) from the XW; because that was one of the documents needed to prove the amount of money that changed hands (otherwise, I would have to go back and ask XW for more paperwork--time-consuming at best). So I included that, and filled out the state's little form, and threw in a copy of the marriage license and the notice of the final dissolution hearing, as well as an explanatory letter. Hopefully, they'll go away. <P>The situtation did bring all of the old anger to the fore, and before we fell asleep I described in detail to GF what indignities I had in store for XW if she doesn't straighten up and fly right with this remaining paperwork. I've decided there might be some mileage still remaining in the family secret, possibly working my way one by one from the least-distressing additional relative to have know about it to the most distressing, before reaching the <I>Gotterdammerung</I> final solution of sending the CD-Rs to the XW's boss. <P>Of course, it's likely I won't have to go that far. The original (and quite limited--just one person who badly needed to know it, and whom I basically had a moral duty to inform) outing of the family secret produced a flurry of cooperation, including more than $5,000 that was owed me (but it also severed the last direct communication, we now communicate only through XW's 40-watt attorney).<P>Although unpleasant for GF to hear, she appreciated the openness of me confiding in her, and she expressed her support of whatever I need to do to get this thing wrapped, along with her belief that I was good, and would not overstep. She did want me to talk to our minister before going further. <P>***Edited for German spelling error<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited July 24, 2001).]

What a pain...<P>Your GF sounds amazing... BUT, if I were her, you may have placed a "check" in my system that one day if I don't "behave" you too might blackmail me with some information. Could impact trust.<P>I like her response though... talk to your minister, but even more importantly, talk to God... what would Jesus do in your situation?<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

J.C. was not all about <I>sweetness and light</I>, he could pick up a stick and do some damage if principle required it. But he also judged not on appearances, but on reality; which is why some high priests came under fire while a tax collector and supposedly unchaste woman sat at his table. And he routinely exposed people's secrets.<P>One thing's for sure: you won't win a popularity contest following a <I>WWJD</I> policy. His own got him <I>killed</I>. <P>My challenge is to allow God to guide what I do, and then expose or keep silent not on the basis of what would be advantageous to me or satiate my anger, but on true judgment. It's not easy.

I expected to hear something by now. But I've heard nothing. <P>XW is apparently obtuse to the implications of the disk I mailed her lawyer. <P>I'm feeling like it may be time to drop the hammer.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>I'm feeling like it may be time to drop the hammer. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>What on earth <I>for</I>, Sisyphus!?!?<BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B> What on earth <I>for</I>, Sisyphus!?!?</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You're saying you're oblivious to my motivations? I don't think that's true. <P>You're asking how I can do such a thing? I have to ask myself how I've held back for so long, given the provocations I've endured. <P>It gets to wearing thin. I suppose I could try the phone, or walk right in to her office with the paper I need her to sign, bold as brass. Her attorney seems pretty much a <I>porch dog</I>, so I needn't pay him much mind. <P>So now I ask myself: <I>"Why go to the trouble?"</I> And I don't have any good answer. So I think maybe it's time. <BR>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Sisyphus:<BR><B>So now I ask myself: <I>"Why go to the trouble?"</I> And I don't have any good answer. So I think maybe it's time. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I think you're asking for more trouble than <I>that</I> if you play the nuclear card. And once you've played it, you will no longer have it for when you really need it.<BR><p>[This message has been edited by GnomeDePlume (edited July 24, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by GnomeDePlume:<BR><B> I think you're asking for more trouble than <I>that</I> if you play the nuclear card. And once you've played it, you will no longer have it for when you really need it.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Just a hiccup. I was just letting it get to me yesterday, and it made me cranky. <BR>

This afternoon I got a fax from her attorney requesting my cooperation in sending the IRS a letter that will cause a $4,000 overpayment she made with respect to the '99 tax year to be applied to her account alone. It appears that the 1040 was indeed sent, I just wasn't told. <P>She's also due a refund for 2000, and it will come to me. I've been asked to turn it over to her as well. <P>I've already prepared the necessary letter to the IRS and sent it off, along with an additional address change form just in case the first one didn't go through. <P>Her attorney also asked what I would be doing about getting the XW's name off the joint bank and credit accounts, which I can only do once I get her form back. So I added this to the e-mail back to him that included attached copies of the letter and address change form:<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>With regard to the <bank name> issue, is there something about "Receipt of this item properly executed and notarized will facilitate my individual reapplication for the joint <bank name> credit services I currently utilize" that is unclear?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I'll keep y'all posted...<P>

Well, her refund check came to me today ... address was OK ... I'll endorse and send it on to her, not a problem.<p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited July 26, 2001).]

And I assume in your correspondence with your X's attorney you indicated what you needed as well. Also, by your acting in faith and in good speed, maybe they'll show appreciation by giving you what you need.<P>Here's hoping!<P>Cheers!<P>------------------<BR><I>As iron sharpens iron, so does one wo/man sharpen another...</I> Prov 27:17

Actually, I dropped by her building to leave the check with the concierge and learned she had apparently moved out. So it later occurred to me to trade it for the release I need. I sent XW's attorney a two sentence e-mail (with an image of the check) and copied her: <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>The check came in. Has your client sent me the release?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Not quite explicit about the <I>quid-pro-quo</I>, but there's no way he's going to miss the implication.<P>Having this relatively innocent lever to get what I want, need, and am due certainly has done a lot to ratchet down my residual anger...<P>But I must admit that it did occur to me that when you're facing expenses from changing digs ... it would be a terrible time to get fired. <p>[This message has been edited by Sisyphus (edited July 27, 2001).]