<BR>At this moment in time I don’t really know what I am doing. In last 4 months I have felt the most excruciating pain in my life, never felt so desolate or lost before. 2 years ago I took the opportunity to live away from her working abroad. I asked my wife for a divorce in 1/2001 because i) have been in a terribly unhappy marriage for the last 5 years it was inevitable ii) thought it was what she wanted too and iii) met another person while i lived away who is very special to me. Reaction from my wife completely shocked me. All of a sudden she tells me that she loves me deeply and wants to be with me. Why now after all those years? I have tried many times to work things out with her , even went for counselling when she had a short fling with someone she met at the bar. <P>I have told her that I don’t love her and loved someone else. She begged me to stay and even if it wasn’t for her for our kids. Our relationship was not abusive – in the sense that we don’t scream or fight all the time, it is tolerable but cold and empty as anything. I was never really there in mind and spirit with her for the last few years, I just shut down. I am only happy with the kids. Anyway I feel so guilty I said I would stay. Its been 3 months since and my heart aches everyday.<P>Telling my GF that I had to leave her was the most painful thing I have done in my life. Thinking of life never seeing her again made me ill, as I trully love her. Everyday I wonder what she is doing, if she's happy etc.I am now back home. I don't have direct contact with her at all but have called her friends twice to see how she's doing. Before I left I told her that I knew we will be together and I promised I will be back. I told her to get on with her life but to remember what I said at the back of her mind. Besides my children its probably that’s the only thing that keeps me going. I told her I had to do this, I don’t know why, that the decision was almost unconscious. She tells me that if my love is true and we were meant to be it will happen. <P>I never wanted me and W to end up like this. But deep down i don't think i want to love her now that i am given the chance. I know she loves me but i can't help it. Not after what i felt with my GF. Perhaps staying in this marriage is wrong. I do not know what i am trying to prove. Has anyone been in this situation or something similar with some advice to spare? Thank you.

I don't have the answers or advice that your looking for..but figured I would post to let you know, your not alone. While, there are no "affairs or cheating" that I know of, our situaution is similar because I too have been very unhappy in my short marriage. My husband also has been very unhappy. I don't honestly think that counseling will help us, since I feel nothing. There are a million reasons why I should leave him. But nothing will change the fact that I feel nothing. No kids, just a mortgage. Both young and unhappy. The thing is, he can live like this. His exact words "My life has always sucked, so I didn't expect much better." I don't really know exactly how he feels, but I bet if I told him I was leaving, he would fight it. But he;s not willing to change or work on things. He is very insecure and has smothered me. So much that, well, I feel nothing. <P>I know that I will most likely be bashed for what am about to say, but am being honest. To stay with your wife for the sake of your children and out of pity for her, well, it's wrong. Life is too short and precious to be so miserable. BElieve me, your children will be better off growing up in a divorced household than one where the parents don't "love" each other in a healthy and happy way. She may scream and cry and carry on and beg you to stay, but you know in your heart what is best. What is best for you. Nobody wants to hurt anyone. Especially someone that you have loved. But you both deserve to be happy. And if your not happy, then do something about it. <P>I wish you the best...

OMG! Please don't make any hasty decisions. You sound SO much like my H. And I have acted some like your wife, except I never went with anyone else. Whether you can see it or not, you are depressed & I'm guessing you have not coped well with difficulties in your life (job, education, family etc). <P>You talk about having a GF. But that is not reality. You DONT know each others true colors. That takes alot of time, years. You were only seeing the best side of each other. "The fog" as they call it here. Cut the ties NOW. If she is with you as a married man, what makes you think she wouldnt move on from you after she finds something better later? Just cause she says so? Bull. Go talk to some guy friend you can confide in. Post here. Find a good counselor. There is no shame in that. Whomever you spoke to before was not the right person for you. Do it for YOU, and if your wife is willing to talk to the same person at different times, great! Or can you do the phone thing with Steve Harley here? His philosophy on all this is very accurate.<P>I rarely verbalized that I love my H. I assumed he knew by my daily actions. He did not like my advise about his stressful situations & blamed me when the outcome did not go his way. We became withdrawn from each other. When I told him I didnt want to talk about it anymore is when he started talking to a female coworker. But I honest to God love him with my whole heart & soul. I told him recently I do love him, but he refuses to believe me, as do you your wife. I am trying to change my actions, by not cursing & yelling. <P>He had complained about me not keeping up the house, cooking, helping him with bigger projects, interfering in his work ! (by wanting him to stop working at lunch time) etc. This is just superficial. I think he believes this, but deep down there is another reason. I have been reading alot of library books on relationships. I remember little warning signs leading to this, that I did not recognize at the time.<P>My H also told me we are not compatible & whats done is done etc & that we are nothing to each other. I dont believe that. People can change, they do change.We are always evolving. It just takes time. I know it wouldnt be the same but it can be better. We just need education from a counselor on how to interact better, or on the right questions to ask ourselves to look deep in our hearts & make new discoveries. <P>My H says he tried to tell me we were in trouble, a few times did tell me "we'll give this another try". But I thought he was nuts & ignored the latter. He actually did not tell me in words because all we did was argue. & when he said another try stuff I ignored it because I did not realize the significance of the words or that we really were in such dire straits. I never saw any change in his behaviour & never clued in to the fact that I needed to change mine until NOW. <P>TRUST ME! I really think it took this withdrawal & pain to bring the problems to the forefront & to you guys attention. I think your wife, like me did not know the trouble you were in until you started talking this way, (fairly recently ?). PLEASE PLEASE give it time. Go find a good counselor right away who can help you discover yourselves & each other again.<P>My H moved into the other bedroom. We do everything seperately & barely speak except to ask if the other checked the mail. Neither of us are eating much, or getting proper sleep. I feel sick & cannot function. I cant think of anything else. He is my world. I am sorry I was not the friend & wife he wanted me to be in recent times. But I take responsibility for my own actions & do not blame him for the part I played in our downfall. I am changing & learning & plan on ging to counseling myself. I am insecure in my own ways. I pray that my H will give this chance now that I actually realize the trouble we're in. I will do anything to save our marriage. But he is depressed even though he cannot see this himself. He needs help in coping. He wanders around the house like a zombie half the time, where he used to love to do things. My heart is breaking & I cry myself to sleep. I go & smell his pillow when he's left, just to smell his hair & feel like hes near me. He has not so much as touched my hand in almost a month. We are both alone & heartbroken.<P>But please, don't be macho. Needing help & feeling vulnerable is okay, its normal. I know guys dont talk about such things but its true. Please give your wife a chance. I beg you! Give yourselves the opportunity to work on your marriage to make it better. Your history together has to mean something. Think back to when you were dating, & got married. Those high feelings are great, but that is infatuation. Real love goes very deep. This is what you & your wife once shared. It is living with the harsh times as well as the good. God, I could write you a manuscript but your post is so close to home for my situation that I am shaking.<P>Read all on this website about his & her needs, lovebusting etc. & since you had a GF I think you should read "Surving An Affair". I have 3 other books I'd like you to look at.<BR>__Emotionally Free - by David Viscott MD. (especially the chapter on stess & the introduction to depression symptoms.) This would be for yourself. I think you will see alot of yourself in the feelings described.<BR>__Relationship Rescue - Phil McGraw. This book is about looking to yourself & your feelings, ideas, wants, needs, etc & contribution to the relationship. No fluff straight talk about working on yourself first & bringing this new behaviour into the relationship. I just bought this one & the corresponding workbook. I hope to God I can discover myself & act better & that H will recognise this.<BR>__Why Marriages Succeed or Fail & how you can make yours last by John Gottman. This one gives examples of case studies & questions that were asked & solutions reached. More along couseling approach. But points out some good things about where marriages start to have problems.<P>Please don't file for Divorce or anything like that yet. It is a drastic step & theres no going back. It should only be the last alternative after you've tried counseling (I think you guys should maybe meet C together once, but then start with individual sessions & goals.) A separation would be the 2nd step, but NO contact with wife, kids or GF. Do everything yourself, cooking, laundry, bills EVERYTHING ON YOUR OWN. No falling back on the convenient GF. You likely have difficulties in life that will not go away just because your wife is gone.

Jenniffer,<P>No bashing from me, but you are comparing apples and oranges. You are childless, and there are no other people involved, right? So I think if you give your marriage a real effort (using the Harley principles) and still decide that your marriage is beyond hope, then I don't think anyone is going to bash you if you two get a divorce (at least I won't).<P>However, painforever is not going to get off the hook so easily. He brought children into this world, and the kids deserve more than their parents saying "oh well, I'm bored, I found a new toy, so I'm outta here". Sorry, not on this site...<P>Painforever, I am on the receiving end of the "gift" you bestowed on your W. I was told one year ago this week by my W that she was "not in love with me". It took me three months to figure out that she was sleeping with a coworker... Like you, she was shocked that I didn't simply walk away, but fought for my marriage.<P>Let me tell you something; the pain you have inflicted on your W is something you will never comprehend. Actually, you will, if and when someone does this to you. Regardless, you have hurt your W beyond anything you can imagine, but guess what? If you continue down your path (and your W continues to fight for the marriage), in a year's time you will be the miserable one, and your W will be happy and confident. Why? Because happiness comes from your actions; your actions have been and are wrong, while your W is doing the honorable thing. When you look back at yourselves in a year, you'll be surprised.<P>My advice to you is to lose the GF, and to honor your commitments. Forget the "I deserve to be happy" crap. You'll be happy if you do the right thing, not if you p*ss all over the close people in your life.<P>I am currently happier than I've been in years, while my W, so intent on finding her happiness at all costs, is a pathetic lost soul... <P>Good luck to both of you!<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited May 31, 2001).]

Hi there,<P> You are deep in withdrawl which is a very miserable, depressing time. I am the BS and my H felt much like you do.....although at this time he (away from the OW ) is now very happy.<P> But... the months when he came back and he went into withdrawl were absolute H#$L for me , and I'm sure your W is experiencing the same thing.Please get some counseling, Steve H is great . There is light at the end of this tunnel. I never thought my H would come out of it , but he did and says he is very happy with me. LU

I think you should think about the fact that love is a CHOICE- not merely a feeling. If you were to actively make the choice to love your wife by finding out how to meet her specific emotional needs you might be surprised that she might follow suit. Act as if you ARE in a satisfying marriage and put in the extra effort- you reap what you sow. Maybe your W is just realizing this fact now- so realize that sometimes it takes time for a person to make significant changes in their life. Your finding another person FIRST before divorcing your W and doing the emotionanl repair work is not the way to go. This is one of the main reasons 68% of second marriages fail. Look within yourself before you take the leap.

I just reread my post, and I guess I was trying to compare apples and oranges. My situation is very different, as well as all are. <BR>I completely understand that children add a completely different aspect to all of this. I am not saying to just throw in the towel if you not happy. Not at all. <P>What I was trying to point out was, too many children grow up in unlovng homes with 2 parents who are trying their best to pretend for the childrens sake. While really, all they are doing is eeding their kids unhealthy images of relationships. Children do deserve 2 parents..but 2 happy and loving parents. And if that means the parents must split in order to be happy and loving, than that's how it has to be. Do what is best for your children and yourself. And pretending to love someone is not the best for your children. <P>Maybe I should just keep my 2 cents to myself..LOL I am in a mess myself which I cannot figure out. And all we have are cats.

<B>Jenniffer,</B><P>Your advice about kids needing two loving parents instead of two just getting along is not true.<P>I am reading the book Unexpected Legacy of Divorce and so far it has said that children are better off in a family where the parents stay together, even if the parents are not "happy".<P>I have read in so many books that unless there is abuse in the relationships children do better in intact families. Divorce will harm the children it will affect them for the rest of their lives. I will NEVER forgive my husband for so selfishly bestowing this legacy upon his children. He is a complete and utter jerk!!<P><B>painforever</B>,<P>As long as you chose to love the OW over your wife you will be miserable. Someone here already stated that loving someone is a choice. It is true. Being "in love" is a feeling and is not real love. We have an endless capacity to fall "in love" but only a limited capacity to be loving. Falling in love with your OW was easy. But ask yourself after that has gone, and it will, how do you plan to be anymore loving towards her than you are to your current W. Perhaps you need to work on loving your wife more. Granted loving someone is a lot harder than falling in love with someone but you are denying yourself growth as an individual if you shun the hard work and take the easy way. <P>Read a book about divorce and all the fall out. It is good that you are here. It is the first step. Please, please read and post.<P>

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenniffer:<BR><B>too many children grow up in unlovng homes with 2 parents who are trying their best to pretend for the childrens sake. While really, all they are doing is eeding their kids unhealthy images of relationships. Children do deserve 2 parents..but 2 happy and loving parents. And if that means the parents must split in order to be happy and loving, than that's how it has to be. Do what is best for your children and yourself. And pretending to love someone is not the best for your children. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Jenniffer,<P>I'm having trouble agreeing with you here... <P>I believe what the kids need to see is that their family is irrevocable, and is not contingent on both parents being always happy and in-love. I can't imagine that it's good for the kids to learn that their family, their primary pillar of emotional stability, can disappear in a puff of smoke at the first sign of unhappiness by one of the parents. So, barring emotional or physical abuse, I will argue that it is always better for the kids if the parents stay together.<P>Now, you can argue that a person can choose to put their happiness above all else, and that that is a valid choice. I have no disagreement with that; a person does have the right to pursue their happiness if they so choose. Where I get uneasy is when that choice is somehow being sold to me as an act of martyrdom, that the selfish acts of one person are actually done to benefit the kids... Nah, that won't fly here...<P>Believe me, I saw the look on my kids' face when their mom, the WS, told them that she was moving out because she was "unhappy". That look of sheer confusion and panic is forever etched in my brain, a look that a 4 and 6 year old should never be subjected to, especially when caused by their own parents. Fortunately, there is at least one parent for them who has decided to focus on their needs instead of being selfish...<P>AGG<p>[This message has been edited by AGoodGuy (edited May 31, 2001).]

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Jenniffer:<BR><B>What I was trying to point out was, too many children grow up in unlovng homes with 2 parents who are trying their best to pretend for the childrens sake. While really, all they are doing is eeding their kids unhealthy images of relationships. Children do deserve 2 parents..but 2 happy and loving parents. And if that means the parents must split in order to be happy and loving, than that's how it has to be. Do what is best for your children and yourself. And pretending to love someone is not the best for your children.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>If we make our happiness dependent on our circumstances, we're likely to be unhappy more often than not. Way too many times I hear people saying they just "can't" be happy in their marriages, when what they really mean is that don't want to take responsibility for themselves and their own attitudes and actions. I'm not saying it's easy, because I know very well that it's <I>not</I>. But what ever gave anybody a reason to believe that life is supposed to be easy?<P>No, an unhealthy image of a relationship is not going to do a child much good. But how is it more healthy to teach that child that a quixotic search for happiness is more important than fidelity and responsibility? Especially if true happiness actually <I>derives</I> from the sense of one's own integrity and responsibility, as many people believe?<P>And what "pretending" has to do with anything, I have no idea. Kids don't miss much.<P>

<BR>Dear CAN”T LET GO,<P>I have always managed to cope with things in my life, I am very surprised at how this has completely devastated me. I have always been optimistic, never give up and believe that I control my own destiny.<P>I don’t know if any of u feel this way, that since b4 we were married in our minds we conjure up a person whose image and personality we wish was our partners. Through the years you add bits and bits to that image – of course u think this person doesn’t exist and u’ll never come close and u accept what u think is enough. 12,000 miles away I met the person in my GF. It was inevitable that I fall in love with her. You are right CAN’T LET GO, it was almost surreal. I never told her I was married until almost a year later because I knew she would leave me. I haven’t no contact with her for 3 mths already and the pain is still there. <P>I have bared my soul to some of my male friends who’ve seen me with W and me with GF they all know with who I belong. But as I know now it’s not that easy. I believe my W loves me but she doesn’t believe that I don’t love her in the way that she wants me too. Your situation is different, as there are no 3rd party<BR>involved. When the marriage started to deteriorate for first few years I tried to make things work with W like ur husband did, confronted her suggested we tried new stuff but it always end up being the same. You are right we are evolving, I have changed a lot in the past few years and we drifted further and further apart. <P>Yeah I know what u mean by not eating much or getting proper sleep. I have been sleeping in the separate bedroom for the last 3 mths and even before that. I know she desperately want to be with me but I can’t bring myself to touch her in that way. I know the day will come when I have to and I dread to think of that. This coming from a man who loves sex. I am almost embarrassed when she says she loves me cause I can’t say it back. I feel sick & cannot function properly too. She seems to show she is coping well, never even asking me the details of my relationship with GF. She feels insecure too, asking me if I am sure I am staying almost all the time. <P>It’s not about being macho or anything like that. I have been such a wimp so emotional so... I don’t think I am prepared to divulge all I am feeling inside, about my GF about her. It will terribly hurt her, and I don’t really care for marriage counsellors. I don’t mind seeing a therapist for myself to help me cope with this grief and pain I am feeling. But that’s about it.<P>Do you think there is real love between me and W if I feel this way? CAN”T LET GO- that’s what she said –our history and two kids must mean something. And yes it does, that’s why I letting go of something so precious to me – the girl I love and my happiness. But for how long I don’t know. Right now I am burying myself with work and the kids. <P>CAN”T LET GO, do you feel pressured to make things work? Are you afraid it won’t work out in the end? What does your H wants? Thank you and the rest for sharing ur experience and giving advice. <BR>

AGoodGuy,I have told W I am sorry for the pain I have inflicted on her. And now I am paying the price for it. You must have been speed reading AGG, I have lost my GF and I am honouring my commitments. Whether it will change the way i feel for her I don’t know. For now I don’t think I can, I just can’t control that. <P>Lu, I don’t know if I believe about love being a choice. I look and her and try and try to love her. Did things together but I can’t shake the feeling. I met a Real Estate Agent today, W desperately wants to start fresh aboard where I was living so…Anyway I was talking to this woman alone and she can see straight to what I was going through. She told me she’s been trapped in a miserable marriage for 23 years now. She doesn’t love her husband but will stay for the kids until next year when her youngest finish school She says its quite common, some of her friends feels the same way to. However weird, the experience have turned her into a vegetarian cause she could relate to how animals feel in a cage and not being free.<P>HopelessinAZ, I am sorry but I have not read any of ur post before. How old are ur kids when ur EXH left. How are they doing now? Are you saying you would rather have both of u suffer until the day u die instead of him leaving? I will continue to post, thanks for ur response. Actually it was my GF’s idea she found me this website and encouraged me to read in here. I have been hovering around for a while. Second time posting in here.<BR>

If you read many of the posts on the forum, particularly the Infidelity section, you will see that your feelings and words are hardly original. It is as if all of the people who have been unfaithful in their marriages have read the same book, or use the same Infidelity-language to English dictionary.<P>You and your wife, but especially your children, deserve the best effort that the two of you can put out to reconcile and learn to be in love and happy together. When you married your wife, you loved her, did you not? What about her did you love? Why do you not love her now? Find out what is WRONG with your marriage and FIX it.<P>After you have both been faithful to one another and both have REALLY worked - with an intent to succeed - at your marriage for at least 18 months, I would be willing to bet that you will find your marriage a wonderful place to be.<P>Throwing yourself into work and children will never make your marriage a happy place to be. You need to throw yourself into your marriage, THEN your children will find it a happy place to be.<P>Go over to the General Questions II forum and read some of the posts from the men there who are recovering from their own infidelity. Reading their posts will give you a great deal of insight into your own situation - some of them sounded just like you when they first came, and all of them FELT just like you at some point before they decided to work on their marriages.<P>Read Frank Pittman's book "Grow Up! How Taking Responsibility Can Make You a Happy Adult" Doing what is RIGHT simply because it IS right can ultimately be one of the most incredibly rewarding things you ever do with your life.<BR><P>------------------<BR>terri<BR><B>Courage</B><P>Whatever course you decide upon,<BR>there is always someone to tell you<BR>that you are wrong.<P>There are always difficulties arising<BR>which tempt you to believe that your <BR>critics are right.<P>To map out a course of action <BR>and follow it to an end <BR>requires courage.<P><I>Ralph Waldo Emerson</I>

My STBX left me 3 months ago. Kids 6 and 7. They never saw us unhappy. I never knew he was unhappy. He told me that I was the best wife anyone could ask for that he still loves me and cares for me but needs that tingly feeling to stay with someone. Much younger OW provides that: exit one husband stage left. No separation, no couseling, no discussions, just I want a D. It is the only way.<P>Right now it is all to new for kids to grasp. Daddy travelled a lot anyway. Daughter cries out with panic everythime she thinks D papers are being signed. She is angry at her father but afraid to show him. To son things are pretty fun so far, Daddy gets a new place and buy bunkbeds and nintendo and tv's and movies etc.... There will be fall out and I am terrified that I won't see it or handle it well enough to give them the best shot at a happy life. My kids have been put at a disadvantage by my husband. <P>STBX's parents divorced 25 years ago. He still has not dealt with it very well. Swore he would never do that to his own kids. It affected him profoundly and it affects his relationships. He lacks the ability to trust someone completly. I thought if I stood by him long enough and showed him my devotion to him he would eventually let his wall down and let me in but that never happened and now he is gone. <P>May I suggest that you post and or read on the General Questions Board. There are several people over there who are/where the WS and may be able to give you some thoughts as to your feelings as well.<P>Did your OW post here? I may have responded to her post if she is who I am thinking about. I was rather frank with her given my feeling on this subject. I encouraged her to tell you about this site. <P>

painforever, I can pretty much guarantee you that if you just try to change your feelings, you will fail. At least, <I>I</I> tried for years to change my feelings, and <I>I</I> failed.<P>My advice is, don't dwell on your feelings, and don't worry about them. Work on your <I>attitudes</I> and your behaviors instead.<BR>

Well said Gnome!!

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by painforever:<BR><B>You must have been speed reading AGG, I have lost my GF and I am honouring my commitments. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Ooops, you are right, I missed the part about you being back home. Sorry...<P>Buuuuut, let's revisit how you and GF parted, shall we?<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>Before I left I told her that I knew we will be together and I promised I will be back. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR><B>She tells me that if my love is true and we were meant to be it will happen</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Sounds to me like you guys fully expect to get back together, right? Maintaining contact (even it's just through friends) is worsening your withdrawal, and preventing you from moving back into your marriage.<P>Harley's rule for recovery is "no-contact" between the WS and the OP. Have you been following that rule?<P>BTW, I do give you a lot of credit for coming here for advice; it's much more than most WS's do. So, is there any way we can help?<P>AGG

I knew that many people here would not agree with me about the children. But I still feel strongly about not living a lie. Nomatter what. <P>And, maybe I feel this way because it's not my husband who is/was cheating on me and my kids and I sitting home. I think that our experiences have an effect on how we feel, what is right and what is wrong. <P>If I try to imagine my husband wanting to leave me, loving a different woman, and staying with me only out of pity and for the sake of our children, well, I wouldn't want him. I need a man to love me and want me. And if we exhausted all options to make it work, and he was still unhappy or wanting to leave, well, then goodbye. Nomatter how much it hurts. <BR>I deserve better than that and so does his wife and children. <P>I grew up in a very unhappy household. I know many people who grew up in households that just stayed together "for the sake of their kids", and they shouldn't have. <P>I am sure I could find books and studies about how children are better off with 2 parents, of course they are. But children growing up with their parents living a lie, unloving, arguing, distant, well...I can't see how that will help them in any way. I just can't agree.

Hello again. Ok, I need to write a manuscript here! Sorry for the length!! I want desperately for my H to give our M, especially me another chance. I did NOT understand before what he was talking about. I saw no change in his negative behaviorus nor did I realize that I should've been changing mine. <P>We fought wickedly over stupid insignificant things. He screamed & yelled & cursed & put me down when we had disagreements and So then I gave it back every bit calling him every name under the sun. <P>He was often exposted to extreme politics /stress in situations. He was like a dog with a rawhide bone. Only talks about situations from work, Never anything else. He would not let it go! In February I said no more: He needed to leave work at work: & that we dont have a home life & never go anywhere or do anything. He got mad & said I was ungrateful & should be thankful for having a job, a house & a car to get there. He ripped up the valentines card I had got him & threw it in the trash. He did the same for the very special one he bought me that was at home. <P>I sensed his withdrawal from me. A woman at work was becoming a friend of ours. She spends lots of time in HIS office & not talking about work!! To summarize, She manipulated her way into my H's life in many ways & he likely thinks she is 'there for him' when I am not. I am pretty sure she butters up his ego constantly, & now have a feeling that she puts me down reinforcing his self inflicted negative image of me. Mentally he has picked out bad moments & reflected that on our whole marriage instead of realizing we had lots of good times & real love is worth fighting for. <P>She is constantly in his office & theyre not talking about work. She is lying to my H about her own H. She puts her H down for lack of home remodeling but she is with her H for $$ & he can just pay someone to do it & doesnt have to figure it out for himself. I have no doubt she tells my H that she can't believe I (his wife) dont appreciate him for all he does around the house. ( I DO but never say much. Its his hobby & he prefers to be left alone. I guess I can see now he wanted compliments! I have tried recently, but he gives me dirty looks because it is something out of the (past) norm for me to do.<P> He told me she told him she was only trying to help & would stop. That she is a "non issue". I tried to talk to him & it all went downhill ever since. He said he wanted to separate & needed time to himself to think. Now hes gone to "Whats done is done" & has mentioned separating $$ and selling our house. He stopped phoning me when out of town but would still leave msg. Now he doesnt even do that.<P>He moved into the other bedroom ~ 3 weeks ago. We do everything separately. Barely speak. He asks me why won't I let him go. I said I can't, he's my family, my world. That lots of people fight & its normal & not a reason to throw away 9 yrs of marriage. Our anniversary was last month, passed without mention. I was heartbroken. <BR> <BR>I am holding on to a last shred of hope in my own case. She KNOWS I want to save our marriage & is still an interferance.!! He has said to me that I am pretending to change & will go back to my old habits. He said he doesnt want to live like this fighting anymore. I told him the other day I wished hed tell me what hes afraid of. That I worry, whether he wants me to or not & miss him when hes gone. Along the way we let outside crap take over our focus & interfere. Real love runs deep. It is worth working on. <P>I wish for your wife, that you could give your marriage a chance. I know its a very slow process.Are you willing to find out your wifes emotional needs & let her know yours to see if you both can work on that? The questionaires are on this website. Please try that.<P>Read that Relationship Rescue book by Phil McGraw. It is about looking deep into YOURSELF for answers as to why you act in certain ways & what you really want. There are great questions in there that you should answer in writing. I was really surprised at what the combination of certain answers showed me, Conciously I didnt realise it!! I'd better shut up for now. Please dont give up yet!<p>[This message has been edited by cantletgo (edited June 04, 2001).]

<B>I asked my wife for a divorce in 1/2001 because i) have been in a terribly unhappy marriage for the last 5 years it was inevitable ii) thought it was what she wanted too and iii) met another person while i lived away who is very special to me.</B><BR>The key sentence here is, “<B>met another person while i lived away who is very special to me.</B><P>So why did you wait until you “met someone special?” Isn’t/wasn’t your wife “special” enough for you to marry her & pledge your life to her?<BR>Your vows did not contain the sentence, “until something better comes along.”<P><B>Telling my GF that I had to leave her was the most painful thing I have done in my life.</B><BR>But it was easy to tell your wife you want a divorce? Grow up.<P>------------------<BR>Prayers & God Bless!<BR>Chris<BR>For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>