Anybody mind if I talk to Bramble Rose? I have an idea! How about if she and I move over into this corner to talk, so you two can continue your conversation! <P><BR>{{{{{Bramble}}}}}<P>Honey, I'm not sure if I should hug you or boink you on the head with a fry pan. On one hand, I am happy for you that on the outside at least, it sounds like your H is willing to talk the talk and commit to these things. OTOH, I am a little bit afraid for you, my dear fellow comrade. Oh, I hope he doesn't break your heart again! Oh, I hope he can really follow through on his promises this time. <P>I think that's mainly it, isn't it? It's so scary to hope again. I know I feel that way quite often. One side of me says, "Don't fall for this again! How many times to you have to be hurt before you get the message?" and the other side of me says, "Just one more chance. He deserves that. Maybe he'll make it this time. Maybe he means it, and the other times he didn't really mean it yet." <P>Well, here's the deal, sister. I love you, and no matter what happens, here I am. If he really follows through and ends the A and addresses his drinking and fills out the questionnaires--I'll be first on line to dance and sing with you. And if he falls back into his old behavior, continues his A behind your back, drinks even more, and refuses to fill out the questionnaires--I'll be first on line to hug you and help you through that too.<P>I will tell you this--as someone who took the chance and started down this road--this is damn tough. DAMN tough. It sounds like you have a fairly realistic view of what you are facing, but sister, trust me, you are going to need some help and support. But you know what, you lucky thing? HERE I AM!<P>We can get through this together!!<P>{{{{{BrambleRose}}}}}<P>I'm sorta happy I think. <P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

<B>Mrs. O</B> ~ <P>I know my H knows what he was doing was wrong. And I know that part of him really does want to make it right. I said all along, he didn't want a divorce, and he really didn't. He just didn't want to do what it takes to stay married - and I don't really know that he is now.<P><B>TossedWave</B> ~<P>I find it interesting that your son said it was your reaction to your H's drinking that affected him more. Somehow, I think that's probably true. I think its us codependents to the addict that become crazier than the drinker themselves! <P>Hi <B>LetSTry</B>,<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>BR, Was there never a time in your marriage where he was the kind of lover, friend, companion you wanted? If not, why did you marry him? What was it about him that drew you to him? You sound so miserable about the prospect of reconciling with him. I know I'd be scared to death at this point if my H came to me and wanted to reconcile. But saving our marriages is why we're all here at MB. Do you really have no hope because you're right, if you're only reconciling for the kids sake it probably won't work, though it's a noble attempt to make life easier for your kids. Everyone's so happy for you and you sound so sad.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>I was a little scared girl who had been abusively controlled and sheltered my entire life. I met my husband the very first week of college when I was 18. He too was from a very dysfunctional home. He was already an alcoholic, and I was from alcoholic 'roots' but I didn't know it then. We clung to each other for all sorts of sick reasons. Both of us agree with each other that our marriage and our attraction to each other was for ALL the wrong reasons.<P>We each had very high expectations that the other was going to cure what ailed us. And when that didn't happen, we turned on each other. So no, he's never been the friend and lover I wanted and needed. He was simply the focus of my fantasies and expectations.<P>I am sad because I'm having a hard time imagining happiness with this very sick man. <P><B>((((CJ)))))</B> ~ Oh geez, if anyone understands it ought to be you! Everything you post about just sounds soooooooo eerily familiar. I'm so glad you are here, please, bonk me any time you feel it necessary! My best friends know how to call me on my BS <P>But this morning, I'm getting off the pity pot - no more admiration of the poor martyred BR ok? I'm taking my kids to the Poconos today, the sun is out and it looks like its going to be a beautiful day!!!<P><BR>((((((((((((((((((((((hugs to everyone)))))))))))))))))))))<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

((((((((((((((BR)))))))))))))))))))<P>I've been down the recovery road with my exH and it was tough. It took a few years but we made it, the first time anyway.<P>I wish you the best of luck and will keep you in my prayers. <P>Enjoy your trip!<BR>Hugs, Dana<BR>

BR, 1st, sorry I horned in on your thread. Thanks, CJ, for pointing that out so nicely. <P>I would have serious misgivings about trying to work things out without sobriety. Have you ever read "Getting the Love You Want," by Harville Hendrix? I read it when my H started becoming abusive last fall, before I realized there were drugs and an affair going on. He believes that marriages are a vehicle for growth, that we pick people with the same problems we have, though sometimes expressed in opposite ways. We are bound to hit a wall when we realize that the other can't fix us, but he feels there is great potential if we can work through this to our real selves. But, what seem to you like the "wrong" reasons to get married are kind of what he describes as "normal." <P>I had signed us up for a workshop (as I said, before I knew anything) and gave it to my H for Christmas, but he refused to go because he was committed to the OW. I asked Steve H. about it and he doesn't really go along with the philosophy. MB is much more behaviorally based, it doesn't delve into our pasts or our interpersonal issues. That being said, if it sounds interesting, read the book. It made a lot of sense to me at the time.

Dear Bramble Rose,<P>Oh hon, I so much in my heart want this to be what makes you happy in your life. You deserve to be happy and loved for the beautiful person that you are. <P>Now, if you would permit me, I would like to say something to your H:<P>Bramble Rose's H: We have known your wife for a while but it seems like a lifetime. We have benefitted from her wisdom and seen her love for you maintain throughout this entire ordeal. <P>You have a gem in your hands. Your wife and your family. Please know that many would love to have such a caring family. Appreciate that there are those who are willing to give you and your family the chance to be a whole happy family again. No selfish move will ever come close to having a happy family. <P>May your future together grow with love on both sides. Throw aside the pride that damages, instead cultivate the pride that comes with love and care for your family. <P>Your road to recovery may be difficult at first, but definitely worth the effort. I wish you and your family well. <P>Sincerely,<BR>L.<BR>

BR, Have you thought about contacting Steve Harley? He could probably help you with a plan.