Secrets of Women's Language<P>Keywords and their meanings:<P><BR>"Fine": This is the word we use at the end of any argument that we feel we are right about but need to shut you up. NEVER use fine to describe how a woman looks. This will cause you to have one of those arguments.<P>"Five minutes": This is half an hour. It is equivalent to the five minutes that your football game is going to last before you take out the trash, so it's an even trade.<P>"Nothing": This means something and you should be on your toes. "Nothing" is usually used to describe the feeling a woman has of wanting to turn you inside out, upside down, and backwards. "Nothing" usually signifies an argument that will last "Five Minutes" and end with the word "Fine".<P>"Go Ahead" (with raised eyebrows): This is a dare. One that will result in a woman getting upset over "Nothing" and will end with the word "Fine".<P>"Go Ahead" (normal eyebrows): This means "I give up" or "do what you want because I don't care". You will get a raised eyebrow "Go ahead" in just a few minutes, followed by "Nothing" and "Fine" and she will talk to you in about "Five Minutes" when she cools off.<P>A "Loud Sigh" This is not actually a word, but is still often a verbal statement very misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot at that moment and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".<P>"Soft Sighs": Again, not a word, but a verbal statement. "Soft Sighs" are one of the few things that you can actually understand. She is content. Your best bet is to not move or breathe and she will stay content.<P>"Oh": This word followed by any statement is trouble. Example; "Oh,let me get that". Or, "Oh, I talked to so and so about what you were doing last night." If she says "Oh" before a statement, RUN, do not walk, to the nearest exit. She will tell you that she is "Fine" when she is done<BR>tossing your clothes out the window, but do not expect her to talk to you for at least 2 days.<P>"Oh" as the lead to a sentence usually signifies that you are caught in a lie. Do not try to lie more to get out of it, or you will get a raised eyebrows "Go ahead" followed by acts so unspeakable that we can't bring ourselves to write about them.<P>"That's Okay" This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can say. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before paying you retributions for whatever it is that you have done. "That's Okay" is often used with the word "Fine" and used in conjunction with a raised eyebrow "Go ahead". At some point in the near future when she has plotted and planned, you are going to be in some mighty big trouble.<P>"Please Do": This is not a statement, it is an offer. A woman is giving you the chance to come up with whatever excuse or reason you have for doing whatever it is that you have done. You have a fair chance to tell the truth, so be careful and you shouldn't get a "That's Okay".<P>"Thanks": A woman is thanking you. Do not faint; just say you're welcome.<P>"Thanks a lot": This is much different from "Thanks". A woman will say, "Thanks a lot" when she is really ticked off at you. It signifies that you have hurt her in some callous way, and will be followed by the "Loud Sigh". Be careful not to ask what is wrong after the "Loud Sigh", as she<BR>will only tell you "Nothing".<P>I hope this clears up any misunderstandings...<P> <P><BR>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

I'm not Bumper, but I enjoyed this nonetheless. Is that allowed?

So <B>That's</B> what you all mean. Excellent translation. I'd given up on finding Berlitz tapes for "womanspeak" <P>------------------<BR>nick<P>it's only time that heals the pain <BR>and makes the sun come out again

CJ,<P>Thanks for the translation. I was really confused up until the time I read that. Now I'm just numb. <P>It isn't just funny, there is so much truth in that. A couple of weeks ago we went to the Houston Grand Opera Company perform Carmen. Picture this, we = one catholic nun, one jewish sales lady, one elementary school teacher, (my date), and yours truely. (The behavior crosses all cultural barriors) Before the show we go to dinner at a Peruvian restaurant about twenty minutes away, so I suggest to the ladies that we have to be out the door and on our way to the theater by 8:00 p.m. for an 8:30 curtain. They were the only words I was able to speak until the waiter brought the check.<P>We sit down do dinner, and they proceed to chat. Dinner is long over, the check has been paid, but they continue to chat until time to leave. At 8:00 p.m. when we are supposed to be heading for the theater, all three pop up out of their chairs in unison and head for the ladies room. Long story short, we are trying to find our seats during the Overture. <P>Time to leave apparently translates to time to go to the bathroom. Now for the deep, profound philosophical question:<P>Just exactly what is it that goes on in the women's room that requires two or three women at a time? Another one of lifes great mysteries I suppose. <P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

A 4 lane bridge will suffice

Bumper,<P>Don't you guys have hot oil baths, massages, and eye-candy feeding you grapes while fanning you AND giving you a pedicure in YOUR bathrooms? Huh??<P> <P>Since I am one of the Chatty Cathy types that you speak of, and since I am an INFP and time is irrelevant to me, I'll tell you what I do in the ladies room with the other two ladies. TALK ABOUT THE MEN! We talk about how you look, how you smell, funny things you did, and if we think you're cute. We also occasionally help each other fix hair or touch up makeup--you know, stuff like that. <P>Don't you guys talk about your dates as you stand at the urinal? I don't understand why not (scratching head). Haha. <P>CJ<P>P.S. How are you doing? How is your son? Just FYI, still praying for ya!<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

CJ,<P>I think it's rule #54....Never stand next to another guy while taking a leak....always try to keep 2 urinals seperation, look either straight ahead or down, <B>NEVER</B> sideways. Conversation need only involve sports or your buzz <P>Bill