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Mitzi Offline OP
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<BR>Hey all,<P>For the past few days, I've been thinking a lot about my life and how it's been in the past 18 months since A$$ left. <P>Does it ever get easier? I feel like I'm trying to be Supermom and I'm failing. I work anywhere from 40-70 hours a week ( salary position, so no overtime pay. But I love my job.). Then there's baseball for Kyle, Dylan was having trouble in school, Noah misses me and is fighting me on going to day-care. Then there's all of the house work, laundry, meals to cook, not to mention just some fun time with the kids. Oh and the YARDWORK!! Geez! It's almost never-ending! <P>I have to admit, I've really been slacking. The kids are eating a good bit of fast food (when they don't eat with my parents), laundry is constantly piled up. I even conned my dad, brother and BIL into helping me get my yardwork done over the weekend. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <P>I feel like I'm stuck in a major rut and I'm not sure how to get out of it. Even last weeks vacation wasn't long enough. I'm just drained, physically and emotionally. <P>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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I am hoping that it gets easier. My kids are older than yours. My X does take the kids every other weekend...that is not unless he has other plans with OW.<P>But....I work full time...go to college at night and am trying to raise 3 teenagers. They are perfect for their Dad...but they act normal around me. My oldest is giving me trouble (too long to go into)but sometimes I just feel overwhelmed.<P>It will get easier. It would help if you X would pay the back child support so you could hire housekeeping for one time...just to get you caught up.<P>I have to ask for help. My lawn mower is not working so my dad is mowing it for me. I broke down and having the house cleaned 2 times month. I have to budget to do it...but it makes me feel so good to come home to a clean house.<P>It is hard to do it all by yourself. You have had to go through a ton of stuff with your X and sometimes even our researve energy is gone.<P>It takes Time...but don't you get tired of hearing about it all takes time...LOL........sometimes I want it to happen NOWWWWWW.<P>Get some rest....no child has ever died of a dirty house...and laundry is a never ending job....just when you think it is done..you change clothes......<P>Hang in there!

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Mitzi Offline OP
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m3k,<P>God! I hate doing all of this by myself! <P>I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to ask for a little help once in a while. (WAY too much pride!) I think really, I just wanted to prove to everyone that I could do it all on my own! Hey! I failed at my marriage so I'm gonna show everyone that I won't fail at being single! LOL LOL<P>My mom has been trying to talk me into going back to school. I have an associates degree and she thinks I should go back for my bachelor's. My question to her is...WHEN??? <P>Glad I'm not the only one who can't manage to be Supermom! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hey Mitz,<P>Send dirty laundry with kids to x, thats what I do. They think everything is so normal, let them do it. Thats what I do when I feel I'm getting behind. The lawn gets cut when I get to it. The kids have been helping now that they are out of school, it isn't perfect, but it is done.<P>M3K must be some type of neat freak [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] to have someone come in twice a month, I have someone come in about every 3 weeks .<P>I try to do something fun with the kids and let everything else go. Last week I took them to the mall and let them buy a few things. Also took son to the zoo on Sun. <P>As for work, one of my first good bosses told me if you aren't getting it done in 40 hrs per week, you must be doing something wrong, so that is the motto I live by.<P>Hang in!<P>Bob

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Jax Offline
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Hey Mitzi,<BR>As a business owner and one who knows the importance of seeing a job done right I have to say I know how a job can become time consuming. Not so much for the sake of our perfectionism but as a way to retreat from everyday life. When you work you think of nothing but the job, unfortunately it has it's drawbacks as well and the children suffer for it. Quality time is very important, not just for you but for your kids as well. It helps to keep that bond between you strong and shows them that nothing is more important to you than they are and that nothing will replace them in your eyes. I've spent many hours with my daughter whenever I can and I try not think about the work piling up because of it and you know what the work will still be there tomorrow but in the mean time the few precious hours that I could have spent with my child and spent them working instead are hours that I'll never get back again. The kids are growing up fast, someday they'll be out of the house and you'll wonder where the time went. Look at it this way, you're never too old to work and you'll have plenty of time for that later. Take the time for yourself now because later you'll have wished you had. Take care.<BR>Jax

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Mitzi Offline OP
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Bob and Jax,<P>If only it were so easy to only work 40 hours a week. I supervise 3 houses that are homes to a total of 7 mentally retarded adults. I have 18 staff that I am in charge of. I am in charge of every aspect of my clients' lives, from finances to daily routines. In one home, I have a client with severe behavior problems. I am one of the only people who can handle his behaviors and get him to calm down. It's almost like having a second family. I know it has to be easier, i just haven't figured out how yet.<P>Thanks! <BR>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Hi - <P>I was doing the yard work and the house and the kids and taking care of the vehicles before he left - and nothing has really changed. He never came home before - and he doesn't come home now. The kids haven't seen him since he left - and don't want to see him. I have four kids, ages 6, 7, 11, and 16. I still hire a maid twice a month, my 16 year old does the laundry, and even my six year old can fix a simple meal. I am a home educator, and I run my business from home as well, so I often have clients in my home. It has to be kept neat and tidy - most of the time. I'm not super mom - or super woman - I just know what the limits are. <P>For instance - if my kids don't make their beds or pick up their toys - I close the door. If the dishes don't all get done - I stick 'em in the dishwasher - rinse them all off and stay up late to wash them. Dinner is often a salad and fruit with crusty bread - all I do is have one of the kids set it on the table. (Don't have to wash pans, and the kids can do it all by themselves - I cut the bread.) Besides fresh veggies and fruits are better for them - than prepared foods. I make one big salad two or three times a week - and we sprinkle on nuts, cheese, and maybe some sliced ham or turkey at the table. <P>Minimize your 'stuff' so it's easier to keep organized and put away. I spent money on organizers for the bathroom - each of the kids have their own drawer for bathtime prep... It works ladies... <P>As for the yard - hire it done - or ask your dad or brother... they will appreciate the fact that you need them - especially if you take out a nice glass of lemonaide and share a heart to heart during break!!! My nephews and my Dad do my yard - with some help from me - as far as gardening is concerned - we have fresh veggies this summer. <P>As for the car - find a shop you can rely on unless you want to do it all yourself - in which case you should get a really good book about auto repair and maintenance. I take mine to the shop - they know to tell me anything that needs doing - cuz I depend on them - and I take it to the same shop every time. <P>Chin up ladies - you can do this!!!!

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Mitzi, <P>I know that you love your job and that you are good at it, but have you considered maybe changing careers? Maybe for now it would be better to find something that would only require 40 hours of your time? Of course, another option would be to step back from being a supervisor and just going back to running one house. I know you received a raise with your promotion, but unless the raise was almost double your prior salary, you are actually losing money now by working twice the number of hours.<P>You manage 18 people, are directly responsible for the welfare of 7 disabled adults AND you are raising three boys on your own....<P>.....and your (ex)A$$ has the nerve to call YOU an unfit mother???? What an absolute <B>JACKA$$</B>!

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Mitz,<BR>Not to be a smart a$$, but how were they handling this resident before you came on board???? Are you sure you aren't taking over ????? Please don't be offended!!!!!!!!!!!<P>Remember DELEGATE.<P>Bob<p>[This message has been edited by RWD (edited July 06, 2001).]

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<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by seekingjoy:<BR><B>As for the yard - hire it done - or ask your dad or brother... they will appreciate the fact that you need them</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>You brought up a good point here. Both my mother and my sister are constantly calling me to come fix something around one of their houses and I do it not only because they are family, but it makes me feel good to feel needed by someone. Both of them have significant others who are capable of doing most of what I do, but ever since my father passed away 17 years ago, being the "fix-it" guy for my family has always been my responsibility. It's a little funny, but I'm even hesitant to look for a job which will take me out of state because I know that they depend on me and that is actually a good feeling.<P>Mitzi, let your family help you when possible [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

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No, it never gets easier. It has been over two years, and it is just getting worse.<P>I would give my right arm (well maybe just my left) to have family within 50 miles - most of my family is not even in this country anymore. My older kids help out when they are here, but my two oldest are out of state/out of the country. Only very rarely have friends ever offered to help out. <P>

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I know this may sound trite - but you have to ASK for help to GET help. If you have friends close by - they have probably told you - 'If you need anything - give me a call' - okay, so CALL THEM!<P>You know, I'm always amazed - I'm one of those people who really doesn't know what to do - but I'm always willing to help out. So, I use that phrase often. In the early stages - I would get so uptight because I needed help and didn't know who to call. One night, a friend came by and I was a basket case - screaming at the kids, crying, trying to get things accomplished, and it wasn't working. She said, "Jan, all you had to do was call!" We put music on the stereo, cleaned my whole house in about two hours, she called out for a midnight pizza and some sodas, we stuck in a movie, and I felt so much better the next day. Now, we regularly exchange a house cleaning afternoon - I get windows washed, carpets cleaned, and walls wiped down, and then we go to her house and do the same things. It's more fun that doing it yourself, and you can chatter about all kinds of things. We laugh a lot, sing to the music (Buck Owens is one of our favs), and just have a great time cleaning in our sweats and bandanas!<P>ASK and ye shall receive. In business, they call it networking. If you have friends who do things and you can trade off jobs for an afternoon, life is so much easier!!! I call them 'resources' and if you have 'resources' life just seems to work better.

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Mitzi Offline OP
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Hey Bob,<P>No, you're not being a smart a$$! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Actually my position is new. They're trying to make my company run smoother by adding a few supervisors. The only problem is, I can only delegate so much of the work. I'm required to work 32 hours total in the homes. Plus I have administrative work to do (finances, billing, etc....) That doesn't include any emergencies. I have one client that has injured 4 staff and 2 other clients in the past 1 1/2 months. That means I have to be there to go to the hospital with the staff/clients, do all of the necessary paperwork, and deal with the behavior. We have to be very careful in how we operate because our funding comes from the state. We can't afford to make mistakes. Also we've only had this client in particular since November, so we're still learning about his behavior patterns. I'm capable of dealing with him, so I get called. AND if any of my staff in that home calls off, I usually have to go in a cover the shift. There are only a few people trained and able to work with this client. I know...it all sounds confusing and like it should be easier than what it is. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>As for the housework...I only wish I could afford to hire someone ONCE a month to help!I do try to let my mom or my sister help out with that. But ya know, it makes me feel like I'm incapable of doing it myself. I guess it's called pride. (or stupidity! LOL) I mean, my marriage failed, I don't want them to think that I am going to fail at everything else. Does that make sense? <P>Anyhoo...thanks for all of the support. I know I can do this, I'm just struggling a little right now.<P>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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(((((Mitzi)))))<P>Home health care is a caring profession!!! You must be a very nurturing person. That makes it particularly difficult to allow others to nurture you.<P>I understand what you mean about asking for help and 'failure'... I feel that way alot too. But, it's easier to ask for help than to deal with not getting the help I need... and I'm beginning to realize that asking for help is a way of being successful too. I trade off to get a lot of my help - because there are things that I can do for others that they can't do for themselves.<P>Hope your days get better!!!<P>Jan

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Mitzi, you are great. You can do it. I don't know if it gets easier, but I think you are wonderful and are handling it all so well. <P>Anyway, you have been doing it. You are not failing, because you all are still alive! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<BR><attempt at humor><P>I sure hope it gets easier for you soon and you can have a bit of rest to recoup. {{{Mitzi}}}

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{{{Mitzi}}}<P>Nope, it doesn't get easier. I actually have a bit of respite now as my parents take my girls for a month every summer, but at the same time problems with work have had me going at warp speed. Not to mention that STBX decided to harrass me about the kids going out of state. I asked for a restraining order that he never call me again, or come by the house.<P>This weekend was interesting, had 2 out of town guests, a major water leak that shut down a water system, a planned dinner party for 10, and you know what? It all worked out just fine. <P>I worked 11 hours yesterday and took off long enough to go to the store, set up chili con queso in the crock pot, marinate chicken breasts and my house guests and boyfriend cleaned up and met my other guests as they arrived. By the time I got in, soaking wet and cold, dinner was done and ready to eat, the atmosphere was wonderful, great conversations going on, etc. Could it be that the best way to have a party is NOT be there? hehe<P>I'm fortunate in that my kids do help a bit around the house when they are here, but doing all of the jobs that used to be shared by 2 adults is hard. I'm learning to be a mechanic for the dirt bikes, too, pretty soon won't need a man around for much of anything. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] <P>I think in some respects I need the busy-ness type of thing. After the antidepressants where I literally shut down totally, I feel I have to catch up and doing things makes me feel I am accomplishing something wth my life. No, my house isn't spotless, I am backlogged with laundry and some household chores, but I am working through this time in "real" life rather than wanting to sleep my life away on anti-depressants.<P>I have the utmost respect for women who are single moms and raising kids in a responsible manner. It IS one of the toughest things ever. Family is very important in those circumstances, and so many people nowadays don't have a family to fall back on, either.<P>Be proud of yourself for what you are doing! <P>Lori [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

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Mitzi Offline OP
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Ya know, I know I should be proud of all that I am accomplishing. BUT at the same time I see all of the areas where I need lots of work! <P>One of my major problems is getting the kids to help out. I still have a lot of guilt that I'm trying to overcompensate for (their dad not being around). I feel really bad for them cause they just want a little attention from him. I guess I'm trying to be the "good guy". Don't get me wrong, my kids do help out. But I almost hate asking them to do more than what I feel is fair to them. Does that make sense? <P>I'm learning how to do alot of things too. I'm turning into quit the little handy-woman around the house! LOL LOL But I'm a major procrastinator! I'm always putting things off. At one point my mom asked me if I thought it was possible that I have adult ADD. LOL LOL I'm thinking it could be a big possibility! LOL<P>I don't know. I don't mind being a single mom. I just get tired. And being somewhat of an insomniac doesn't help! LOL <P>Thanks for all of the help!<BR>Mitzi [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>

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Hmmmmmmm... Sounds like you have a bad case of everything-should-be-perfect-itis. In other words, you are feeling like everything is not going as you would like.<P> My motto... when life hands me lemons, break out the blender and make lemon marguaritas! <P> All joking aside, I know exactly what you mean. I can't believe it, just did the math and *BLAMMO* oh wow... I've been a single mom now for almost 6 years! And my kid is still alive! I managed to stave off rodents, flu-bugs, screaming-meme's, bad grades, and food-poisoning. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> I don't think it actually gets easier or not as hard. I do believe that you just learn to cope with it. You learn to let the little things go. <P> So, there are weeds everywhere. SO what!? That's when you take the kids for an ice-cream. Maybe a couple of hours later, you tell them it's time for a weed derby. Whoever pulls the most weeds gets to pick the book, movie, or game for the evening. Of course, first you have to tell them that mommoy's pretty flowers are not weeds.<P> As to the dishes...well, my Mom had me standing in a chair at the tender age of 7, with an apron tied twice around my teeny little waist (miss that!) and up to my elbows in suds. Granted, occasionally, the drinks in our glasses would mysteriously have soap bubbles in them, but there were no crumbs. Did I mention I had to do this hideous task in the dead of summer, with no air-conditioning? Not to mention two little sisters trying to knock me off of the chair?<P> I was a regular little Cinderella. Sweeping, mopping, dusting, changing the carburator... well maybe just the engine oil. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] Your kids are probably able to handle simple chores. Put 'em to work!<P> As to the financial part... this is no lie. I went to work at 15. I would give my mom 100/ week, and keep the rest for myself. I was working full-time. I think your kids may be a little young for work, but when they do, don't let them work full-time. I ended up dropping out of school. <P> But, you can sweeten the chore deal by acting as an employer would. Pay them for services rendered. Dishes could be 25-50 cents a load. Sweeping 25 cents a room. dusting the same. Once they start to think they could really get rich doing house-work, you may find that hiring a house-keeping service is cheaper. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P> You sound like you are doing fine. At least, I didn't read anywhere in your post that you were beginning to flip out about the monster roaches that were scurrying everywhere. <P> Relax... take a deep breath (oh, now try that again, I know you probably just let it out to tell one of the kids to stop torturing their sibling) and,<P> No worries. If you have a higher power to give them to, then do it. Then slowly exhale... thank your higher power for the day and your lives together. You have made it this far. You are allowed to worry and wonder, but remember... those two things get you nowhere.<P> It doesn't get any easier and it could get a lot worse. Take me for example, I have been practically certifiable... I whined and fussed and worried and got angry. Then I finally realised that as long as my child's life was not in danger, then the dishes could go a night in the sink.<P> I realised that Someone was watching out for me all those times when I didn't know how I was going to pay for heating oil in the winter. Somehow, someway, the money would show up just when it was needed most. <P> When I needed to feed and cloth my daughter, her father would come through (MIRACLE of miracles! lol) and pay the child-support through.<P> I'm sorry this was so long. I just wanted to let you know that you will (and are) going to cope with things and you will succeed. Hang in there! Smile (I don't care if it's fake and you have to super-glue you lips up, lol, your kids will think it's the real deal). One huge plus, you do learn to laugh again, you're forced to! What else could we possibly do at our lower dips and valleys of our lives?<P> Make lemonade for the kids and I'll have a lemon marguarita!<P> Take care! <P> Mynabird~~ [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<p>[This message has been edited by Mynabird (edited July 09, 2001).]


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