My story is a long one, but I'll try to summarize. We have been together 17 years, ten of them married. We have had ups and downs along the way, but the last two years our life circumstances have put additional pressure on us. We moved to another country for his work, we sold our home before we left. The new country was tough to adapt to (Mozambique). Last year my brother died. Then my H got another job so we moved countries again, and then he had an affair, along with which came an AIDS scare, which thankfully turned out okay. (By the way, he doesn't think these events have anything to do with our situation).<P>After the affair we decided to try to put things back together, and visited this website for information. I guess we should have gone to counseling, too. But things were going fine, except that dealing with the affair was not easy. I found it was having such a bad effect on my life in a cyclic wave (great days, bad days) that I decided to let it go, forgive him and trust him again. So I told him.<P>Two days later he tells me he wants to leave, that he is tired of working at it all the time, that he has never loved me as much as I love him, and that he has to go and make up his mind whether he wants to continue the marriage. He asked me to give him space, which I did. He's been gone 10 days. He put a gigantic wall between us and couldn't even look at me. The only time I contacted him was to ask him to phone the kids. He came and took them out that night, but told them to phone him any time they like (they are 8, 5 and 3). He has not once phoned them.<P>So we agreed to go to counseling during his time away, and the first session was yesterday. Basically, I don't know if the counselor was a good one or not, but what she did was say stuff to him like, "Well you sound like you've already made up your mind" and he said "Yes, I want a divorce...I don't want to try again". He doesn't want any more counseling. I was stunned, I though he was going away to think about it, and that 10 days wasn't long enough. His reply was he has to be selfish right now and he feels better away from me.<P>I think he's going through a mid-life crisis or a nervous breakdown. His behavior is totally out of character. He is being very hard about all of this, even his kids don't seem to matter. If this is what he wants, I have to go back to our own country for support from my family and he will be working here for another two years. He was so matter-of-fact about not seeing the kids for this length of time.<P>I felt that I was doing the best I could to meet his needs over the last six months (since the affair) and he was doing a pretty good job of meeting mine until about a month ago, when I noticed the beginnings of his "wall" going up. I just don't know how to deal with this. I am in a strange country with one good friend, and she has been great. I am aware that I shouldn't jump on the first plane, but nothing can be resolved when he won't even speak to me. What do I do?<BR>

You are in a really tough situation. My heart goes out to you. There are no easy answers. Just keep praying and let your heart and God guide you. The "wall" you describe sounds so familiar. So many of the WS put up this wall. Yes, your spouse is in a very selfish state right now and may continue this selfishness for a long time. You need to take care of yourself and your children right now. Concentrate on what is best for you and on what is best for your children. I don't know what the legal ramifications would be for moving back with your family, but you MUST be careful. READ, READ, READ. There are many good websites and books for relationships and divorce. Try to hang in there and take care.<P>TB

Thanks for replying. It is early days yet for me, unlike lots of people here. I know I am able to keep functioning because of my kids, but it is hard when I have to hear them ask about their dad, and why isn't he coming home. He actually phoned them yesterday and they gave him hell, why aren't you coming home, etc...I hope he heard the pain in their little voices, because I have to every day. But at this point, he doesn't care how anyone else feels, including his children. That's why I feel it is more than just wanting to be away from me.<P>I have made a decision to completely back off after reading an article posted yesterday by ST2000 which said if the WS feel unrestrained and unpressured it might improve communication...we have to be able to talk to one another because of the kids, and also if I go home, he will need to be part of the planning because his company pays the fare, he needs to provide us with money etc. And I don't see a problem leaving this country, as he wants us to go.<P>Thanks again for your comments, it's nice to know someone listened to me.

Wow, I never realized there were people out there who actually were going through almost the same life crises as me. I would like to give you some advise but I fear I have not been very good at this myself. I can say that my H has told me three times in the last 7 months that he does not love me and that we wants a divorse. He has also taken it back all three times. He has also told me he is tired of trying to make it work. I thne remind him he really hasn't tried. I have been breaking my [censored] to make it work and he is jsut taking it all in. I think your H does not know what he wants. Call it a crises or just stupidity. He is confused. Recently I pulled away from my H and it seems the more I pull away, the more he opens up. I know it is hard to live under the same roof with a stranger and I know how badly you want the "man" back you married. Try to ignor him a little. Let him come to you. Go outside or in a room and read a book. Do something just for you and let him see that you are doing it. Everything I have read says the same thing, back off and let him breath and see what happens. How long you have to wait? Who knows?<P>I feel your pain! I am glad we all have each other to talk to. It sure makes me feel a little less NUTS!!!!

Hi Nina too,<P>The Wall is part of the paraphranalia that comes in the baggage of the BS. Lack of eye contact is also typical. If they have a wall up, the effect of their actions, the impact of infidility to their spouse and family, doesn't hit them as much. <BR>The lack of eye contact comes because they are living a Big Lie. When you two first fell in love, you gazed into each other's eyes. We humans know instinctively that eyes are hte mirrors to the soul. We hope our lover feels the same toward us as we do toward him/her. We check it out by drinking in the sight of them, and our pupils ("the Apple of the eye") expands to drink in even more than usual.<P>We avert our eyes when we are ashamed, when we want to hide something. Some liars can stare right at their target without blinking, but there are miniscule clues even with the best liar. Imperceptible changes in smell, in skin color, a little tightness in the muscles around the eyes, nose and lips. Women are better at catching these things on an intuitive level than are men. <P>I believe part of the reason the BS's avert their eyes could be so that they don't have to witness the pain they are causing. Like looking away from a trainwreck. <P>Thank G-d the AIDS scare was false. <P>Now, as to why he needs "space." A little pied a terre, just someplace to lay his hat and a few good friends. Ooops, did I say that? He has either started an affair or hopes to get lucky. Probably the former. <P>How badly do you want to stay married? How much do you lose if you walk away from him? And like Ann Landers asks, "Are you better off with him or without him?"<P>He can harden his heart to the questions of your children, to your pain, he's probably in "the fog." Where is the best place for you, home or there? make a list of what each place offers. Then decide what's best for your children. I'm sorry, this hurts so much. Our D-day was 2 years ago and the damage is ongoing.<P>Have you read up on Plan B? Would you be able to do that?<P>------------------<BR>Belle, Domestic Goddess

Thanks again for the replies. Yes e-w-s we do have a lot in common, except that my H has already left. I'm glad you replied because it does help to know that I am not the only one. I don't think he knows what he wants either, but now I am pretty sure that he is having an affair - all added up yesterday, Bellevue. The things that were going on were exactly the same as when he had the first affair. I said this to him but of course he denied it. And now he's gone, I'm seeing things a lot more clearly, also money he takes from our joint bank account indicates that he is having a hell of a social life.<P>I am still resolved to Plan B him, but since I can't talk with him, we can't negotiate anything at all. So I'm just keeping out of it, physically and as emotionally as I can, because being in his face didn't work. <P>Bellevue I don't know if I want to be married to him or not. Certainly I don't truly want him here if he doesn't love me, that would be living a lie and I know it. So I am letting go. If he came back and was honest, truly repentant, loved me in his heart and was willing to work at this, then maybe, but it's a big maybe even at this early stage. There has been a complete disintegration of trust again for me, just when I was learning to trust him again, and I know I will never feel the same about him.<P>My biggest concern is the children at this point. Last night my 8 year old was up, dressed and had breakfast at FOUR in the morning. It could have been earlier, but that is when I discovered him. He'd even washed his face and cleaned his teeth. When I asked him why, he said he couldn't sleep. This from a kid who never stirs. It is hitting him now, and I am there for him, but when he hardly hears from his father, even for a little reassurance, no wonder he is distraught. I hate this bit, it makes me so angry that I can't phone my H and say look what you're doing to the kids, but he will just see it as me trying to manipulate him.<P>Thanks again for replying, it means so much to be listened to.