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Joined: Feb 2001
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BR, giving advice is always easier than taking it. That shouldn't invalidate good advice. None of us is perfect (obviously!), but the closer the new positive thought follows the old negative reaction, the greater our chance of making immediate ammends and changing the outcome. This issue of establishing healthy boundaries vs. controlling is a tough one. Sounds like you're doing great, trust can't come over night. <P>"I just had a horrible thought." As good as you're doing, I'm worried that you might soon be leaving us for the "Recovery" forum. I still like the idea of an Al-Anon MB forum... or maybe CoDA, which would include many more of us.<p>[This message has been edited by LetSTry (edited July 19, 2001).]

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BR...I would be waaaaay more than happy to help you get caught up on your work...I assume that it is a web page/site? Or, have I assumed too much?

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<B>Dana</B> ~ <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I've been in recovery before with my now exH. Honestly, he truly did want to change back then, but just always slipped backwards to old habits. However, I did have to take control of MY life, and choose what I was going to live with, and it had nothing to do with controlling him, just tired of my life revolving around him like it had been. What I'm saying is, that I didn't want control of him, just myself.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Yes - that's exactly where I am at - you get it! I started choosing for myself, taking care of myself, drawing boundaries...and that was percieved as controlling. But it wasn't. <P>Boundaries like: I refuse to live under the same roof with a man who treated me and our children with complete disrespect, neglect, anger and selfishness. Oh another unreasonable boundary - divorcing to protect myself and the kids from a man who was with another woman, and spending money that we needed to live - on vacations with her!<P>Oh, and taking care of myself...how dare I move to VA and make it inconvenient for him to see his kids!! Control freak, that's me!! Never mind that I need, needed, help. 3 children full time, no career, and no family...hrmmm...can't imagine why I would want to live near my own folks!<P>Divorce and stretched incomes and difficult visitations...these are all consequences of the actions he choose to make. I didn't set out to "get him" or "show him" or manipulate him into coming home...I pretty much gave up thinking that it would ever happen. I was simply taking stock and moving forward, taking responsiblity for what was mine to take care of. <P>Now...the first time that I filed for divorce...THAT was pure anger and manipulation, meant to shock him into coming home. I was completely wrong for doing that. It was definitely a control play - because I wasn't ready emotionally and I didn't really mean it. <P>So it's a fine line....taking care of oneself and taking responsibility for ones own life - and NOT acting in a manipulative and controlling fashion. Sometimes the motive is the ONLY thing thats different - the actions may be identical. That's where it can get so confusing!<P><P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

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<B>Orchid</B> ~<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>To control or not to control? Why does that have to be such a negative thing for the WS? It seems like it is blown out of proportion.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Good question. Here's what I think: I think that the WS are addicted. And addicts live in DENIAL (Don't Even Notice I Am Lying). Reality isn't something that they pay close attention too.<P>They want what they want (the fantasy) and when reality intrudes, temper tantrums result. I think that because we as BSs are the unwitting "cause" of reality slapping them in the face - that we are accused of "control" which in their terms simply means, not allowing their fantasy to happen. WS are selfish - it is all about THEM, and they can't imagine that our actions aren't about them also!<P>Addicts are frustrated control freaks! So when their control doesn't work they way they planned...it's someone elses fault!! Addicts don't have the exclusive on this attitude....I know I have a problem with this too. I do think that the problem is very very pronounced in an addiction situation though.<P>------------------<BR><I>Pain is a given, misery is optional.</I>

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BR, Right on, you said it all! My H keeps trying to suck me back into his game. I guess the OW must have gotten sick of it since she doesn't seem to be around much anymore. He's still not an alcoholic even though he admits he drank without eating or sleeping for 2 weeks to make himself psychotic enough to get my attention so I'd try to rescue him. It worked, at least for a day. <P>He has nothing because of me. I took it all away from him because he had a girlfriend. He can't afford to pay 1st and last for an apartment even though he owns a company so he's going to move to Belize and live on the beach and raise butterflies for export. When I don't respond it's because I don't care. He has no desire to change, just to be able to keep yanking someone's chain and with the OW gone, that has to be me, as long as I let it go on. <P>I have to stop letting him suck me back in with kind words and wait to see some positive action before I change my current direction again. Like you said, he seems like a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum right now.<P>Sorry things sound like they're not going so well for you right now, at least between you and your H.

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