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#696632 07/17/01 02:41 PM
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I recently found out that two acquaintances of mine are having an affair. Person “A” is recently divorced and person “B” is happily (?) married. What amazes me is that person A was the BS in marriage and is now contributing to person B becoming a WS. Also, the spouse of person B is a divorcee who was the WS in that first marriage. It’s like a vicious circle.

I don’t understand how it’s possible that a person can knowingly contribute to another’s infidelity, especially after knowing the pain and repercussions it can have on one’s own life. In this twisted mess alone there has already been two marriages affected by infidelity and now it seems like #3 is destined for trouble. I’m not placing any blame here as both parties are consulting adults, but c’mon!

Can’t anyone keep their pants on anymore and respect their vows?


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People who have been hurt ... hurt other people.

Those aren't your friends. Unless they straighten up and fly right I wouldn't even stay acquaintances with them.


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Can’t anyone keep their pants on anymore and respect their vows?

I hear ya, Jayhawk! My sentiments exactly.

It is such a sad and vicious circle. And hurt people choose to hurt others, by their selfishness and inability to deal with their hurt in a healthy way, IMHO.

My H had such a sad childhood and was hurt deeply in his inner spirit. It has affected every relationship in his adult life. I sometime feel that he has no control over how he relates to people emotionally.

But on the other hand, we are adults and need to take responsibility for our lives, decisions, actions. Yes, many people are hurting deeply. But they KNOW they are hurt. And IF they know, then they are without excuse.

My H knows he got emotionally screwed up. Up until the MLC and the affair, he didn't want to get help. But now that he's self-desctructed his life for the third time since he was 19, he's finally in counseling and thank God. Maybe he sill be able to find healing for the past hurts. I hope so.

Meanwhile, there is no excuse...NO EXCUSE...in my book for contributing to marital infidelity. It's just not something that happens by accident. People in affiars go to great lengths to hide, deceive and lie to get their own selfish way.

It's heartbreaking and rather depressing when you see it happening again and again. My workmate has two women friends who's husbands are doing the same exact thing as my H.

I don't know of any answer, except to draw near to God and make sure that my own life stays true to Him and that my integrity stays intact, regardless of the sin and darkness in the world. It's not easy, but with His help, it's possible.

Aloha,
Mrs.O


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Sisyphus,

Now, come on! It is not always true that people who have been hurt, hurt other people. And I know you're an intelligent man who knows that!

I was hurt trmedously by my ex, as so many other people here were. And I have no desire to hurt another person in that same way! Or, for that matter, in any other way! I was and still am a very compassionate person. And as you can see by the others who post here, they are also compassionate.

Mitzi


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Jayhawk,

I second that thought. It feels like in our society today, that nobody cares about keeping the promises they make. Everything is ME,ME,ME and NOW,NOW,NOW! It's like we have become a society of spoiled 3 yr olds.

My teenage son really brought this home when he commented that he wondered if there would be any "good girls" left out there when he was ready to think about serious relationships and marriage.

And another thing that totally blows me away with the attitudes I see around me is that nowdays, a WS can bring home a "gift" that can't be taken back and keeps on giving until it possibly kills you.

And I guess what truely depresses me is that I see so called "spiritual, God following" people behaving this way also. At a church near me, one of the Male members went on a week mission trip while his wife (pregnant with twins) stayed home with their other small child. He met the "love of his life" while he was down there and down wants to divorce his pregnant wife. All in one week. When he was supposed to be teaching about God. Instead he was commiting adultry at a church sponcered mission and breaking up a family. GEEES......... Can you trust ANYBODY nowdays????

Sorry for all the venting. This attitude of selfishness and irresponsibility just really burns my bananas !!!

------------------
Character is determined by what you do when no one is watching.


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Not everybody does it.

Not even when accused of doing it, over and over and over again, and being told you did do it so many times you nearly believed it, being told that there was 'proof' that you did it, being told that you can't be believed so that if you say you didn't it means you did, ...

I had the offers. I had the chances, yes. I had the desire to, a few times. I didn't do it because no matter how poorly HE thought of me, I thought higher of myself.

None of the 'might as well cheat, he thinks I have already'.

None of the 'he is probably cheating and has a guilty conscience so I will do it too'.

Just flat out refusal to play that game.


Flirt, yes.

Fantasize, oh heck yeah.

Have sex with someone other than the person I married? Not from the time we started dating until after separation, moving out, and filing.

What I've done since the filing is between me and God. I know I have some 'splainin to do. But during the days, weeks, months & years I feel I was bound by my vows, not once ever.

Physically abused for having sex with men before I met my husband. Verbally abused for not having signed dated notarized proof accounting for where I was and who I was with every minute I was away from him. Mentally abused to the point I started to WONDER if I had actually done these things and blocked them from my memory!!! I mean, HE WAS SO CERTAIN that I had!!!

Yet, no tempting offer and no degree of blame could make me cross that line.

So please don't paint the picture that those who are hurt go out and hurt others. Not all of us do.


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quote:
Originally posted by SoSad.59:
And I guess what truely depresses me is that I see so called "spiritual, God following" people behaving this way also.

In my opinion, this is the ultimate form of creating God in our own image.

There are so many "spiritual" people now days...hey, everybody is spiritual! Everybody believes in a "higher power!"

Well, I hate to break it to them, but their higher power isn't there to server them.....quite the opposite. We are hear to serve and worship the Lord.

Anyway, just had to get that off my chest.

Aloha,
Mrs.O



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JayHawk,

My ex's OM(BoyToy)was married and his W cheated on him,and divorced him.So,he came after my W at work,and helped her to cheat on me.Go fiqure!

I don't think in all cases,it's hurting others after you've been hurt.I think some folks don't really believe marriage works after their's fell apart.In this case,the OM learned all the tools for a good relationship AFTER his divorce(like some of us!).Then he used those tools on my W to"rescue"her from her long,boring marriage.I guess I'll never understand how one could"do it"to another after someone"did it"to them,either.I suppose he thought he was doing her a favor(such a nice man).

I'm divorced now,but so far I haven't"rescued"any married women in distress!

I'll just stick to the young,single ones!!

"Hey,Mitzi,....I see you up there!"

~~Murph


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After a long hiatus, our resident Yard God is finally making appearances!!

Hey Murph!

Mitzi


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Hi Jayhawk,

I have hurt someone deeply. I cheated. But let me tell you what it taught me. I NEVER WANT TO DO IT AGAIN, AND I WON'T TOLERATE IT FROM OTHERS, although I will listen and share my unfortunate knowledge to help them.

No, not everyone cheats. And no, not everyone who does is bad.

But I do believe Sis has a point. I think we can all agree that infidelity is a SYMPTOM of an underlying problem in the marriage, or at least in the self-esteem of the cheater. There is hurt there -- make no mistake.


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This goes along with my latest feeling of loss of faith in human beings. It makes me ill too.

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I guess there was more to this story than I had originally been told so I don't feel as bad as I did before. I still do not agree with the event itself, but it's really none of my business. Same story, different day....

I just get more distraught about relationships actually working out whenever I hear of something like this. It really makes me wonder if you can ever trust anyone besides yourself and ever expect a marriage to work these days? I still beleive in the union of marriage itself, but I'm losing faith in the people.

Maybe I just keep seeing all of this hurt which is forcing me to become cynical in my old age?


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Jayhawk93,

It sounds like, what goes around comes around.

Nell


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I have confided in my best friend about all the horrors that I have been through during the last 2 1/2 years, dealing with my husband's infidelities and other problems that he has. She sympathizes and is angry for me.

On the other hand, she giddily confides in me about what she and the personal trainer at the gym are up to. It makes me sick, it makes me unhappy for her, and yet, nothing I say changes her mind. She is married to a wonderful man and they had two cute little kids. You are wondering why we are friends? I could walk out of her life and turn my back on her, but that is not what friends are for. I will be here for her when the truth hits home.


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It is well document (don't ask me where) that people, who are angry after a betrayal, will associate the betrayal with the opposite sex, and to get even with the opposite sex, will take down another marriage. . . .

this reaction follows harley's chapter on the purpose and use of anger in a relationship, and it is applicable to reactions of intenser hurt from betrayal. My X's OM was found cheating, got divorced, and then encouraged my X to join him in divorce with cheating (I am pretty sure). . . .

selfish and a poor way to regain self esteem, in fact it does not get you self esteem in the end, only further estrangement. . . .

There are also relaxed standards in society with what is acceptable and what isn't, especially in governmental behavior and little recourse, maybe its the Clinton legacy remember, if the leaders do it, then it must be ok. . . .

think about it.



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Hi Jayhawk,

so true, so very true. And so sad.

Here's what happened to me a couple of months ago. We had a 'do' on for someone's birthday. One of the guys was staying in a hotel while he worked up here, so a few of us went back to his room. Males and females, about 8 of us and all just co-workers. Eventually only 4 of us were left, one left and then there were three. I had already crashed on the bed, fully clothed and on top of the covers. This guy and another girl eventually ended up on the bed BESIDE ME (they obviously thought I was asleep) and started doing the do. I could not believe it. Both that he is married with a 15 month old baby girl and that they could do it with me right THERE BESIDE THEM. I got myself out of there quick smart.... No way did I want to be there for 2 reasons. He's married and does that make me part of it? and secondly you know the way gossip goes, it probably would have turned into a threesome!!! I don't think so.

Second story. A girlfriend of mine is involved in football teams, her sons both play. One of the teams she trains is full of married men who all regularly go out on a Fri or Sat night. All of them pick up. Take whoever home. One of the guys has been married 3 months.

I will never understand this.

I agree Jayhawk, I believe in marriage, but I don't know if I could ever really trust people again. I like to think that I will judge my new relationship on its own merits, but when everyone seems to know people who are having affairs, or who have had affairs, the lines get blurred between what has happened and what could happen.

It's so sad. I don't know the answers although I wish I did. I also wish I had a crystal ball for all of us here, because I have to keep believing that eventually all of us will find someone who really respects who we are and the vows of marriage. I have to keep believing that because it goes to the very heart of my being. I essentially believe that all people are good. We make mistakes and hopefully we learn from them.

take care of you, and have a great day

Jo


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SELFISHNESS, PRIDE & GREED!!!!!

These characteristics can devastate the best of peoples. It can turn them into unknown alien like characters without love, trust and care.

The big question is now, how to remove these ungodly qualities from our WS's so that they return to human form and move out of the fog back to reality?

Why do some after suffering so much why do they inflict the same pain and suffering on others? RE: Mooseworms in the brain.

Can happen even to the best of them making them the worst of them.

Find a way get rid of the pride, greed and selfishness and you may have found the cure for mooseworms on the brain.

L.


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Our Takers are fed continual drivel about being 'entitled', or 'making things fair', and 'you've got to look out for yourself'...I think that Steve's assessment of marriage being the only acceptable, fundamentally co-dependent relationship, and how society is trying to deny that...needs some more attention at a [global] higher level.
IMHO -Mike

[This message has been edited by waiting_for_her (edited July 18, 2001).]


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What is wrong with people?

Here's my thoughts...

Everyday, one or both people wake up in a house with closed windows with artificial temperature control. They cannot hear the birds or the insects outside. I'll bet most have no idea what kind of wildlife exist in their area--not unless it is causing them some problem. They wake up to an alarm clock, because they need to get up unnaturally early so that they can groom themselves (in water/power created for them elsewhere) and jump into their automobile of choice and commute however long to a job that has no connection whatsoever with their family life or the health of their community. Odds are good that they don't know their neighbors, or they know them by name alone.

After spending 10-12 hrs away from their family and home, they come home exhausted, turn on a TV and spend however many more hours watching ads designed to make us feel insecure about our place in the world so that we feel compelled to get up tomorrow morning and do it all over again so that we can have the automobile of choice, in the big house in the suburbs, and lots of other "stuff".

And people wonder why others are screaming out for a sense of connection--this gaping emptiness they seek to fill in any way possible. Alcohol, drugs, affairs, food, shop-aholics, gambling, violence. They are all symptoms that our society is sick. We have little or no connections to the world as a whole or to each other. We are all to blame.


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Perhaps, Student...but it needn't be that way at all...not for you, me or anyone else...really. Most people are just 'giving in'...we all secretly long for the connection, just we have no natural tools to elicit that state...we must do it in spite of the way things are...we look to the world to be fair, and equitable...then we go make carboard boxes for someone who doesn't even know us. Sad, but as I said, we can get closer to God, hence one another, if we only reach out with a naked heart, and try.

Nice post, but a little dark...go outside, look up with your eyes closed and feel the warmth of the sun on your face....that's God smiling on you...just be, and be healed. Take the responsibility upon yourself. You won't be sorry. -Mike


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