<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>

Yes...<P>It was a long post... <BR>...and that's OK!<P>About... 'How do I "work on myself"?'...<BR>...it's not an easy journey... for any of us...<BR>...and that includes me.<P>Now I know you're a fallen away Catholic...<BR>...<A HREF="http://www.chnetwork.org/index3.htm" TARGET=_blank>The Coming Home Network</A><P>How does anyone work on themselves?...<BR>...By defining your relationships<BR>...and first and foremost with God!<P>Do go back to mass... even if by yourself... ( <A HREF="http://masstimes.org/" TARGET=_blank>http://masstimes.org/</A> )<P>Do go back to confession... find a priest you can talk to!<P>If you think you can "work on yourself" by starting off with a high opinion of yourself...<BR>...with a prideful heart...<BR>...how can you really move up!<P>Finding your place in the world is the first place to learn the direction that moves you toward "working on yourself"!<P>The expression "let go and let God" <B>is</B> a bit hackneyed...<BR>...<BR>...I'd say (don't <B>let go</B> of your H)...<BR>......but if your H leaves you... then learn of a man who won't let go of you.<P>Define a relationship that will be persistant!<P>Refocus on the words that "define relationships"...<BR>...check out <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000288.html" TARGET=_blank>MB Concepts in Christian Scripture</A>.<P>A Catholic friend...<P> <P>Jim

Hi, Can't,<BR>I've been wondering where you have been. I'm so sorry you are in so much pain.<P>If you don't feel ready to "let go", then don't. But you need to be doing something. But if he walked out the door and never came back, you wouldn't have any choice but to "let go". This is one thing that helped me to "let go" and let my H make some of his own decisions - even if they didn't include me in his life. I hoped that if I "let go" of the rope and my dependency on him, he might not leave to never come back again. make sense? I chose to let him go, instead of him making the choice FOR me. <P>How do you work on yourself - hmmmm, well, the anti-dpressants may help you. But you are going to have to look in the mirror and decide that the only person that can truly help you is you. Your last word in your post worries me... WAAH. I know you are just venting, and you are welcome to do so, but just be careful that you don't stay in WAAH mode. <P>If you haven't yet, read through this info page on Plan B <BR> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000177.html</A> <P>If you feel like some advice you are getting is to "let him go", read through this and decide for yourself if it is time. Only you can decide. If it is not time, then Plan A is for you. Even if he won't let you fill his EN's, you can avoid LB's, which include trying to get him to <B>"to admit wrongdoing with this woman (emotionally)"</B>, or pressuring him to do anything. Care and protection. Let him be an individual and sort things out in his mind, EVEN if you think he is making wrong choices. He is an adult, and you CAN't make him do anything. You have to love him the way he needs to be loved right now - NOT the way you WANT to love him. Sort of like letting a 2-yr old make some mistakes of his own in order to learn. <P>Focus on other people - friends, family, co-workers, and truly try to make a difference in their lives. Focus on trying to make other people feel better. It is in giving, that we receive. You will feel better.<P>Read a lot on this web-site and the General Questions Forum. There are a lot of people on that forum that are going through similar situations. You can learn a lot by reading other people's problems and the advice they get.

<p>[ May 30, 2002: Message edited by: cantletgo ]</p>

real quick - SHe is constantly in his office & hes confiding everything in her. How do I ignore this? I have not said a thing to him lately. (denies & defensive & hostile). I dont want to push him out of house. Yes you tell me its his choice & I dont control him. But Im not ready to give up on our marriage either. So, how do I let his continuing behaviour not hurt me? Ignore it for now to see if he can or ever will decide on his own not to hurt his wife (me) anymore?? I'm in such pain & despair & have no support otherwise.

((((((((((((((((cantletgo)))))))))))))))<P>I don't have any other advice for you except to try and look after yourself. Do something for YOU that makes you feel great. My favourite thing is a big bubble bath with all the trimmings, and it always relaxes me somewhat.<P>Are you on anti-d's? I avoided going to the doctor about this, though I knew I was badly depressed. The outcome for me was that I went too late. Look, they don't take away the problems, they just help you cope with them a LOT better. And today's drugs are a lot more sophistocated than the old valium that used to make people zombies! And they're supposed to be non-addictive. If I had taken them way back in January when I KNEW I needed them, maybe my H would still be here. Go talk to your doctor.<P>I wish you well.<P>Nina

can't,<BR>hi, again! <P><B> So, how do I let his continuing behaviour not hurt me? Ignore it for now to see if he can or ever will decide on his own not to hurt his wife (me) anymore?? </B><P>well, sort of. I sort of deal with things like this sort of like a kid goes through phases - they may like a certain kind of music, certain sports, certain friends, etc... they have to "outgrow" this phase (our WS's). <P>I think the meds will help with this also. I finally decided today to ask my Dr. for some. She explains it as being able to react more realistically when things happen throughout this crisis. Keeping emotions more in control.<P>How is your Plan A going? Working on yourself, avoiding LB's, giving your H space (that seems to be what he's asking for), and filling his EN's very gently and cautiously. it's one thing to say you don't want to give up on your marriage, but the way you do that is with a plan. And your H needs a little space. There's some good threads going on GQII and Plan A/B forums about Plan A. <P>Good luck, hang in there! You can do it!<P>------------------<BR>Faith1<P>"Then Jesus answered, 'Woman, you have great faith! Your request is granted.'"<BR>Matt 15:28