The preacher was wired for sound with a lapel mike, and as<BR>he preached, he moved briskly about the platform, jerking<BR>the mike cord as he went. Then he moved to one side,<BR>getting wound up in the cord and nearly tripping before<BR>jerking it again.<P>After several circles and jerks, a little girl in the third<BR>pew leaned toward her mother and whispered, "If he gets<BR>loose, will he hurt us?"<P>

ON EARTH AS IT IS IN HEAVEN<P><BR>One day, there was a catastrophic event which caused all living creatures on earth to die. To sort things out, everyone went to heaven. God approaches and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men who ruled their women on earth and the other line for the men who were ruled by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter." <P>With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women were gone and there were two lines.<P>The line of men who were ruled by their women was 1000 miles long, and in the line of men who ruled their women, there was only one man. God became angry and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"<P>The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."<P>Bill<BR><p>[This message has been edited by LostHusband (edited August 15, 2001).]

70-year old George went for his annual physical. All<BR>of his tests came back with normal results. Dr. Smith<BR>said, "George, everything looks great physically. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with yourself, and do you have a good relationship<BR>with God?"<P>George replied, "God and me are tight. He knows I have<BR>poor eyesight, so he's fixed it so that when I get up<BR>in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom *poof*<BR>the light goes on, when I'm done *poof* the light goes<BR>off."<P>"Wow!" commented Dr. Smith, "That's incredible!"<P>A little later in the day Dr. Smith called George's<BR>wife.<P>"Ethel," he said, "George is doing fine. Physically<BR>he's great. But, I had to call because I'm in awe of<BR>his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up<BR>during the night and *poof* the light goes on in the<BR>bathroom, and then when he is through *poof* the light<BR>goes off?"<P>Ethel exclaimed, "Oh, my God! He's peeing in the refrigerator again!"

A wealthy playboy met a beautiful young girl in<BR>an exclusive lounge. He took her to his lavish<BR>apartment where he soon discovered she was<BR>not a tramp, but was well groomed and apparently<BR>very intelligent. Hoping to impress her, he began<BR>showing her his collection of expensive paintings,<BR>first editions by famous authors and offered her<BR>a glass of wine.<BR> <BR>He asked whether she preferred Port or Sherry<BR>and she said, "Oh, Sherry by all means. To me,<BR>it's the nectar of the gods. Just looking at it in a<BR>crystal-clear decanter fills me with a glorious<BR>sense of anticipation. When the stopper is removed<BR>and the gorgeous liquid is poured into my glass, I<BR>inhale the enchanting aroma and I'm lifted on the<BR>wings of ecstasy. It seems as though I'm about to<BR>drink a magic potion and my whole being begins to<BR>glow. The sound of a thousand violins being softly<BR>played fills my ears and I'm transported into another<BR>world.<BR> <BR>"On the other hand, Port gives me gas."<BR>