I met up with an ex boyfriend from about 11 years ago (school days). He is divorced and has a child and is now in a relationship. He came to visit me this weekend, and I took it that there was only friendship between us, he didn't seem to be the type to mess around on his girlfriend. But things got heated up. I filed for divorce on June 18 and have been separated for 6 weeks. Am I a wayward spouse now? And when is a guy off limits? The other thing is I don't want a long term relationship with him and don't want to feel guilty if he and his friend break up. But he has always sort of been my 'fantasy'. So do I act selfishly and take what I can get and hope that no one gets hurt? But I think that at least one or more people is going to get hurt. I am usually considerate and don't act this way so please do not judge me too severely.<P>My STBXH wants to collect his clothes before he moves away to other side of the country. He sent me an sms last night. I wonder if I should have someone neutral around while he collects his clothes. I am a bit nervous to be alone with him.<P>Pantha<BR>

Okay, so who's <B>not</B> horny? <P>Sorry, but you asked the first two stupid questions here, not me! I know that you are being cautious, but really...you, a WAS? Watch yerself, Pantha...you are walking in his fog now. As far as the 'OM' goes...while I don't <B>ever</B> recommend this for 'fixing' things, this sounds like something you gave up for a marriage that has been given up by your H long ago. Honestly, I'd have to say...if it passes your internal check, and you are just here taking a survey, count me on the side that says...you do what <B>you</B> want this time, Pantha! -Mike

Pantha,<P>Hi there from the other side of Jo'burg. Please don't think I'm too negative, but I wanted to say something about this, in order to protect you and your feeling right now. I really don't want to sound harsh or burst your bubble, but....<P>IMO you haven't given yourself enough time to begin a new relationship, and your old one is far from being out of your head....It's 6 weeks for me too, (are you sure our WH's didn't plan this together??? ) and I know if my old flame came backk into my life, well, I'd be tempted...Yes, we are all wanting that closeness and affection and attention, but the fact that you are writing here about it means you know that maybe you know it wasn't exactly what you wanted....<P>A fantasy is just that, recall what everyone has said about the WS/OW relationships...starts off really exciting because someone else is paying attention...and then the real world comes in. You've had 11 years to work on this fantasy, as well, so I'll bet it's a good one!!! And also, you are vulnerable right now.<P>Please, please really think about your motivations.<P>Nina

Mike thanks for understanding. So are you saying this guy friend may be in the fog? S*&t that sounds bad. But I guess I will be selfish. But I will take my cue from the way he acts ie if he still wants more than friendship. If he just wants friendship I will be fine with that.<P>Nina I get what you are saying. But I don't want a relationship as such. I also know 6 weeks is not very long, but... we were separated last September (thats when my x boyfriend and I got in contact) and got back together end October, he was a changed man and killed my feelings for him in that time. I really tried to love him and show him how much I loved him - I was much more affectionate and giving than I'd ever been. When he stopped drinking in January I cut contact with my friend. I only regained contact after I filed for divorce. So its not really 6 weeks. But you know what is the best about this situation is that it actually takes my mind off of the divorce and all the pain. It brings something positive to my life, even if my friend and I just remain friends the experience made me feel good about myself and that I could still be attractive and desirable to men. Because after all the things that are said and happen in a bad relationship one's self esteem is knocked right down. I was 100% faithful to my H while we were married. Nina I feel for you ... for your pain.. and I hope that your H catches a wake up before you also decide to leave the marriage. Good luck<BR>

When I said that you were in his fog, I meant your H, not your friend, but thst works, too. I was merely asking you not to judge yourself. When you and I first started 'taling' I hurt your feelings, remember? You have indicated to me that you are somewhat ambivalent when it comes to the notion of reconciliation with your H...you are pretty much through with it...so why categorize yourself as the WAS? There can only be one, and that position has already been filled in your relationship by your H!<P>I agree with Jacky..to be honest with you, but I am not concerned here with imposing my opinion on you. The important thing is for your to do the things that make you feel better about yourself. In the long run, I feel that you would feel better if you did not do this, but you are a big girl now (More so <B>now</B> perhaps than ever before.) You know that this man wants either your emotional support, or something more...yes, you are attractive to us neanderthals...pretty woman...good...plus, I feel a very human connection posting to you, and discussing these matters, so you still know how to connect to people...including men, but don't base that on me...remember that I am defective, too, according to at least 1 in 6 billion! -Mike

Thanks Mike! U are right my H took the title of WS, and I have already taken proper measures to end the marriage before starting anything.<P>I am seeing STBX tonight when he comes to collect his clothes. I am dreading this! I am not to sure how to react. I will leave on my work clothes so I look 'sophisticated' and 'self confident'. I will even tie my hair back the way he likes. Why? So he can see what he lost! But I know its going to be really difficult. I heard some type of a rodent in his cupboard last night but was too scared to have a look so I will ask him to take a look if he can see what it is. I hate to ask him this, but I am so grossed out by rats! Otherwise I guess I will just say good luck with the future when he leaves unless he is fighting with me at the time. If he does start a fight I will go outside and if I feel intimidated I will phone police because I don't want things to get out of hand.<P>Mike I am glad that I have you to talk to and get feedback from you. Yes I think I have done some growing up in the past few weeks. I have also discovered I like my freedom. I take dance classes now, I do what I want when I want and don't need to answer my actions to him. I never realised how stifled I felt! You know he told me I controlled him but I really think he did control me without me even realising it. Certain things I would do to keep the peace or actions I would take because he thought I should.<P>About my friend... I still don't know. He lives 100kms away so we don't get to see each other that often and if he spends weekends with his girlfriend I can't think that there would be much chance of us getting in contact too soon. So maybe nothing will come of it. I just can't convince myself not to get into this! And I think I am going to get hurt... I just don't think I'm cold enough to walk away after sharing something intimate, it will mean something to me, but how do I convince myself not to get into the situation! I think it would change things between him and I because even now I want him to call me. Before it was he sms's or he doesn't and that was fine. So sex does changes everything. Right?

100 clicks is not that far...might be good to have a 'cushion'...trouble is, like you say, sex changes a lot, like you want to move closer spiritually, which makes that 100 clicks seem like a much greater distance. That distance could also be viewed as a protective barrier for your vulnerable heart right now. Its all about perspective at this point.<P>How very symbolic...there's a rat in his cupboard. Tell him you think he has company...maybe an acquaintance of his? Hmmmm. -Mike

Funny!! about the acquaintance!

Hi Pantha...<P>I guess I can relate a bit to you... My H is gone/checked out from this relationship emotionally a LOOOOONNNG time ago. Since we've been separated/separating for the past one year, I too have fantasized and even met with my old flames... nothing has happened. But, I think I realized that my psyche was doing that to make sure that I was *okay* and that not every man I have been in relationship with thinks I'm the ogre that my H thinks... There is *one* in particular that really has bound me up for many years... but as I went out with him and saw his life... I realized I was living in a fantasy land and that his reality is not anything close to what I'd imagine for my life... still it's a head game to close the door on it - especially in the face of such rejection.<P>So, I'm still working on *who* defines my reality and I think I've come to the conclusion that God does... He created me, He loves me, He has a plan for me and like the woman at the well, who sought comfort in the arms of 5 husbands and many other men, she and I will never find significance there... it's in God. So, I'm learning to *turn my eyes upon Jesus* and TRUST my here and now and future into HIS hands...<P>I don't know what your spiritual base is or if this resonates with you at all... my big problem lately is not getting resentful at how difficult this duplex living arrangment is! Everyone told me it wasn't going to be easy... in my head I knew I could do it but when it comes to actually living it... it's not so easy!<P>I can also relate to your H's accusations that you were controlling him when in actuality he was/is controlling you (maybe without knowing it). So, we move on... one day at a time.<P>Guard your heart... take the time to experience your pain and stand in it... it's hard... I have a fight or flight syndrome problem so just immersing myself in it seems masochistic! But, a GREAT writer once wrote that as the body heals itself of physical wounds... it can also heal itself of emotional wounds... but first you have to let them penetrate your heart and that takes courage to endure the pain... but in your heart, there are means to heal your brokenness and pain... <P>Take care!<BR>Nicole<P>------------------<BR><I>"You will deceive yourself into believing that if people, circumstances, and events had been different, your pain would not exist...Your pain is the concrete way in which you participate in the pain of humanity."</I> <BR>~ Henri Nouwen ~