THE GORILLA<P>One day, this guy looks out his window and spots a gorilla in his tree. So the guy calls the animal control people and asks that someone get rid of this gorilla that is in his tree.<P>An animal control guy arrives shortly afterwards. He walks inside the guy's house with a stick, handcuffs, a shotgun, and a chihuahua. The animal control guy explains his plan.<P>"Okay, first I am going to climb up the tree, and start hitting the gorilla with this stick. When the gorilla falls out of the tree, this chihuahua is trained to go after its, well, you know, private area. When the gorilla instinctively crosses his hands, slap the cuffs on him."<P>The guy thinks about it for a second, and then says, "Okay, sounds like a plan. But what's the shotgun for?"<P>"In case I fall out of the tree first," the animal control guy replies, "shoot the dog."<BR>

DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?<BR>SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?<BR>SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?<P>DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?<BR>SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.<BR>SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!<P>DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?<BR>SAFER: Could we be overreacting?<BR>SAFEST: I'm with you, honey, those guys are the scum of the earth.<P>DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?<BR>SAFER: You know, there are a lot of vegetables left.<BR>SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?<P>DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?<BR>SAFER: I hope you didn't overdo it today.<BR>SAFEST: I've always loved you in that bathrobe.<BR>

In honor of "hump" day:<P><BR>Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. <P>One old lady turns to the other and asks, "Do you still get horny?" <P>The other replies,"Oh sure I do." <P>The first old lady asks, "What to you do about it?" <P>The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver." <P>After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?" <P> <P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.

Bubba and Bobo were from way down south and they went out into the woods hunting one afternoon. <P>After walking along for a bit Bobo fell to the ground, his eyes rolled back into his head, Bubba thought he was dead. Frightened for his friend, Bubba whipped out his cell phone and dialed 911. "Bobo fell to the ground, and I think he's dead." He gasped into the phone. In a calm quiet voice, the emergency dispatcher said, "I can help, calm down. First, we have to make sure he's dead."<P>There's silence on the line, a shot is heard, Bubba comes back on the phone, "Okay, Now what?"

The Scene: The Pearly Gates to Heaven.<BR> St. Peter is receptionist at the entrance.<BR>><BR>A cat shows up.<P>St. Peter says "I know you! You were a very nice cat on Earth and didn't cause any trouble, so I want to offer a gift to you of one special thing you have always wanted."<P>Cat: "Well, I did always long to own a nice satin pillow like my master had, so I could lie on it."<P>St. Peter: "That's easy. Granted. You shall have the satin pillow after you enter in."<P>Next, a group of mice appeared.<P>St. Peter: "Ah, I remember you. You were such good mice on Earth. You didn't steal food from anyone's house and never hurt other animals. Therefore, I want to grant you one special wish you always wanted."<P>The Chief Mouse replied, "Well, we always watched the children playing and saw them roller skate, and it was beautiful, and it looked like so much fun. So can we each have some roller skates, please?"<P>St. Peter: "Granted. You shall have your wish."<P>Next day, St. Peter is making the rounds inside the Gates, and sees the cat. "Well, Cat...Did you enjoy the satin pillow?"<P>Cat: "Oh, indeed I did. And say...that "Meals on Wheels" thing was a nice touch, too!"<BR>

Some ideas are just too good not to consider!<P>A TASTY CLASSIC <P>A woman is enjoying a good game of bridge with her girlfriends one evening. "Oh, no! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband! He's going to really be angry if it's not ready on time." When she gets home, she realizes she doesn't have enough time to go to the supermarket, and all she has in the cupboard is a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg, and a can of cat food. <P>In a panic, she opens the can of cat food, stirs in the egg, and garnishes it with the lettuce leaf just as her husband is pulling up. She greets her husband and then watches in horror as he sits down to his dinner. To her surprise, the husband is really enjoying his dinner. "Darling, this is the best dinner you have made for me in forty years of marriage. You can make this for me any old day." Needless to say, every bridge night from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish. She told her bridge cronies about it and they were all horrified. "You're going to kill him!" they exclaimed. <P>Two months later her husband died. The women were sitting around the card table playing bridge when one of the cronies said, "You killed him! We told you that feeding him that cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly and play bridge knowing you murdered your husband?" <P>The wife calmly replied, "I didn't kill him. He fell off the mantel while he was licking himself." <P>

"WHAT A DIFFERENCE 30 YEARS CAN MAKE:" <P>1970 Long Hair <BR>2000 Longing for hair <P>1970 The perfect high <BR>2000 The perfect high yield mutual fund <P>1970 KEG <BR>2000 EKG <P>1970 Acid Rock <BR>2000 Acid Reflux <P>1970 Moving to California because it's cool <BR>2000 Moving to California because it's warm <P>1970 Growing pot <BR>2000 Growing pot belly <P>1970 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your parents<BR>2000 Watching John Glenn's historic flight with your children<P>1970 Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor <BR>2000 Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor <P>1970 Seeds and stems <BR>2000 Roughage <P>1970 Our president's struggle with Fidel <BR>2000 Our president's struggle with fidelity <P>1970 Paar <BR>2000 AARP <P>1970 Killer weed <BR>2000 Weed killer <P>1970 The Grateful Dead <BR>2000 Dr. Kevorkian <P>1970 Getting out to a new, hip joint <BR>2000 Getting a new hip joint <P>1970 Rolling Stones <BR>2000 Kidney stones <P>1970 Being called into the principal's office <BR>2000 Calling the principal's office <P>1970 Peace sign <BR>2000 Mercedes logo <P>1970 Parents begging you to get your hair cut <BR>2000 Children begging you to get their heads shaved <P>1970 Take acid <BR>2000 Take antacid <P>1970 Passing the driver's test <BR>2000 Passing the vision test <P>1970 "Whatever" <BR>2000 "Depends" <BR>

<P>-<P> When you're hospitalized,<BR> it pays to be nice to your nurse,<BR> even when you're feeling miserable.<BR> A bossy businessman learned this the hard way<BR> after ordering his nurses around as if they were<BR> his employees. But the head nurse stood up to him.<BR> One morning she entered his room and announced,<BR> "I have to take your temperature."<BR> After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down,<BR> crossed his arms and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry,"<BR> the nurse stated," but for this reading, I can't use an oral<BR> thermometer." This started another round of complaining, but<BR> eventually he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling<BR> the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have<BR> to get something. Now you stay just like that until I get back!"<BR> She left the door to his room open on her way out,<BR> and he cursed under his breath as he heard people<BR> walking past his door laughing. After almost an hour,<BR> the man's doctor came into the room.<BR> "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.<BR> Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc?<BR> Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?"<BR> "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."<P> A guy walks into a bar down in Australia and orders a Daquiri<BR> Surprised, the bartender looks around and says<BR> "You ain't from around here... where you from, mate?"<BR> The guy says, "I'm from South Africa."<BR> The bartender asks, "What do you do up in South Africa?"<BR> The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."<BR> The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the heck is a taxidermist?"<BR> The guy says, "I mount dead animals."<BR> The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar,<BR> "It's OK boys, he's one of us.<P><BR> A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding<BR> and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed,<BR> and in general began to throw his weight around to<BR> try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally the trooper got around<BR> to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that, he kept swatting<BR> at some flies that were buzzing around his head.<BR> The farmer said, "Having some problem with circle flies there, are ya?"<BR> The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, '<BR> Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."<BR> So the farmer says. "Well, circle flies are common on farms.<BR> See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found<BR> circling around the back end of a horse.<BR> The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket.<BR> Then after a minute he stops and says,<BR> "Hey, wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's [censored]?"<BR> The farmer says, "Oh no officer. I have too much respect for<BR> law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a<BR>horse's [censored]."<BR> The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing", and goes back to writing<BR>the<BR>ticket.<BR> After a long pause the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though."<P> <P><BR>

Subject: Dear diary...<P><BR>><BR>><BR>><BR>><BR>><BR>> > Subject: The Gym<BR>> ><BR>> > This is dedicated to every woman who ever attempted to get into a ><BR>> regular workout routine. A must read!<BR>> ><BR>> > Diary...<BR>> > For my fiftieth birthday this year, my husband(the dear) purchased a ><BR>> week of personal training at the local health club for me.<BR>> ><BR>> > Although I am still in great shape since playing on my high school<BR>> > softball team, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it<BR>> > a try.<BR>> ><BR>> > I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer ><BR>> I'll call Bruce, who identified himself as a 26 year old aerobics<BR>> > instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My > husband<BR>> seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started.<BR>> ><BR>> > The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress. ><BR>> > Monday:<BR>> ><BR>> > Started my day at 6:00am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was ><BR>> well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Bruce waiting ><BR>for<BR>> me.<BR>> ><BR>> > He is something of a Greek god - with blond hair, dancing eyes and a ><BR>> dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!! Bruce gave me a tour and showed me the<BR>> > machines. He took my pulse after five minutes on the treadmill. He was<BR>> > alarmed that my pulse was so fast, but I attribute it to standing next ><BR>> to him in his Lycra aerobic outfit. I enjoyed watching the skillful way<BR>> > in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very ><BR>> inspiring.<BR>> ><BR>> > Bruce was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already<BR>> > aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to<BR>> > be a FANTASTIC week!!<BR>> ><BR>> > Tuesday:<BR>> ><BR>> > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Bruce<BR>> > made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air - then he<BR>> > put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I<BR>> > made the full mile. Bruce's rewarding smile made it all worth while. I ><BR>> feel GREAT!! It's a whole new life for me.<BR>> ><BR>> > Wednesday:<BR>> ><BR>> > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying on the toothbrush on the<BR>> > counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a ><BR>> hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer<BR>> > or stop.<BR>> > I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot. Bruce was impatient ><BR>> with<BR>> > me,<BR>> > insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a ><BR>> little too<BR>> > perky for early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally<BR>> > whine that is VERY annoying.<BR>> ><BR>> > My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Bruce put me on the stair<BR>> > monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an<BR>> > activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Bruce told me it would help me<BR>> > get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other **** too. ><BR>> > Thursday:<BR>> ><BR>> > Bruce was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his ><BR>> thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl.<BR>> > I couldn't help being a half an hour late, it took me that long to tie<BR>> > my shoes. Bruce took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not ><BR>> looking, I ran and hid in the men's room. He sent Lars to find me, then,<BR>> > as punishment, put me on the rowing machine - which I sank. ><BR>> > Friday:<BR>> ><BR>> > I hate that [censored] Bruce more than any human being has ever hated any ><BR>> other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic ><BR>> little cheerleader wanna-be [censored]. If there was a part of my body I ><BR>> could<BR>> > move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it. Bruce wanted me<BR>> > to<BR>> > workon my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want<BR>> dents<BR>> > in the floor, don't hand me the &@#$*~ barbells or anything that weighs<BR>> > more than a sandwich. (Which I am sure you learned in the sadist school<BR>> > you<BR>> > attended and graduated magna cum laude from, you Nazi [censored]). The<BR>> > treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. ><BR>> Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the ><BR>> choir director?<BR>> ><BR>> > Saturday:<BR>> ><BR>> > Bruce left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly ><BR>> voice wondering why I did not show up today.<BR>> > Just hearing him made me want to smash the machine with my planner. ><BR>> However, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up<BR>> > catching eleven straight hours of the *$@#& Weather Channel. ><BR>> > Sunday:<BR>> ><BR>> > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and<BR>> > thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my ><BR>> husband (the [censored]) will choose a gift for me that is fun - like a root<BR>> > canal or a hysterectomy.<BR>

E-W-S<P>Tears of laughter are literally streaming down my face, I hadn't heard that one before.<P>Thanks

this gym joke is the funniest joke i have heard in a long time. i am sitting at my desk cracking up...<P>thanks for the laugh e-w-s... it really helped... i feel better already... i guess laughter is the best medicine...<P>kim...