Hi,<P>I just received an email from my h, he had written to one of our good friends regarding our separation, and the friend wrote back. He sent the friend's reply to me, but with his original letter attached, which of course he could have easily ddeleted. Here is part of it:<P>"Jacky and I are parting company...Jack and the kids are heading home on Thursday...there may be something we can do in the future but for now, well...She'll be staying at her Mum's for the time being."<P>Was this his way of telling me something?????<P>It's eating me up!!!!<P>

Nina,<P>I don't know if I can make this complicated enough for you. Have you two ever considered talking to each other, just a simple straight forward conversation? All you have to do is ask him, reply to the email Leave the whole shooting match intact and add your questions.<P>Sounds like a good time for a simple straightforward approach, no games, no subtle hints, no hidden messages, no expectations, no rhetoric. Just ask a sincere question that is really a question.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper<P>

Thanks for replying Bumper,<P>The last time we had any conversation about this, he was saying that we had no future, he hadn't changed his mind and he didn't want to. Now on Sunday and again in this email he has told me "maybe".<P>Bumper, you know as well as I do that initiating a conversation about the future can be seen as a LB, and it is one in his case. But that's TWICE in three days he has said maybe....probably reaction to us going, right?<P>I HOPE for a future with him. He knows this.

Jacky-they make it tough, don't they? Seems that the fact he sent you the messages, including the quote, show that he is maybe starting to miss you and kids some. On the other hand, and no pun intended, be careful not to read too much into what he writes or says. He probably does not understand it himself, so how can you possibly understand.<P>Maybe with some distance between you two, a phone conversation may be in order. Or, if he seems less threatened by e-mail communication, maybe that is the way to start a dialogue.<P>Good luck with whatever you decide. I'll be thinking of you today.<P>Geez, i just noticed i have reached 'Member' status on here. Question is, is that good or bad?!?<p>[This message has been edited by ANB3 (edited September 04, 2001).]

Jacky,<P>He is telling you that <B> he has not made any decisions yet </B><P>THAT IS ALL! nothing more.<P>in a situation like you have, you have to look for BIG SIGNS, not little grains of sand.<P><B> KEEP PACKING! </B>

Thanks ANB3 and WIFTTy,<P>Yes, it is a little grain of sand, but there wasn't anything at all before this...it gives me some hope that one day he might change his mind, that is all. There was no hope before. So it encourages me to keep on doing what I am doing, with the Plan A, then Plan B...I will go home, don't worry. I'm not staying just for that.<P>Because he sent me that email, and didn't delete his comments, I'm thinking he clearly wanted me to know what he is thinking, and that is good, because for over 8 weeks he has kept everything to himself, except the negatives. If it were me, and I didn't want him to know, I would have erased it for sure.<P>

hi jacky,<P>i have been away all weekend... didn't feel much like getting on the computer... not because i was so busy, but because i just didn't have the energy to sit there and do it... ne way, i think the h is using subtle communicative games. he knows that you love him and that you want your marriage, and he knows that you are about to leave him and go somewhere where you will have support and love and that you might possibly grow away from him and your need to have him in your life could shift. he is having second thoughts. i think he sent the e-mail to you on purpose. has that already been determined??? i might have missed that part... but i do think it was on purpose. he wants you to know that he is having second thoughts because he knows that will keep you in never ending wait... i call it in limbo... same thing my stbx is doing to me... i ask him point blank questions. i have never been one to beat around the bush... he just will not answer... being in limbo is the worst place to be. you love them and they use that to hold you in a place of uncertainty and hope for a future with them, which for me has stagnated me... i can't go forward, i'm just stuck guessing, waiting, wating, hoping and not really knowing...<BR>it's very hard... that is why i said that i admired your strength to move to another country... i am having a hard time just moving to another city... i don't want to put any distance between us. afterall how can i watch him if i am that far away? i have problems... i really need to get back to counseling... <P>i'm praying for us all...<P>love kim...

Jacky:<P>I agree with the above. He is telling you he has not made any decisions, but knows you have to go. <P>Kepp the faith girl! Get on line as soon as you can, when you get home. Do you still have my address adn numbers?<P>Michelle

Hi Michelle and Kim,<P>Thanks for the input...yes I knew he did it on purpose, cos he's just not that stupid , But I didn't know why...I think you guys have hit it on the head...keep me on the string. Maybe he's just a teensy bit afraid of me making a complete life for myself without him, and so he gave me this carrot today to keep me hanging on. <P>So that's good news because it means I have given him the message that I am not waiting around for this s*** to end, which is the opposite of how I really feel. Cos although I'm going so far away, I know I will still be waiting for him to get out of the fog.<P>I don't want him to think I'm holding on, because clinginess is a LB for him right now.<P>Hmmm, seems this no pressure, show them you're getting on with life stuff works to an extent!!! <P>Michelle, I don't have your number or address, I must have forgotten to write them down. I have your email address in my suitcase.<P>I will get on line as soon as I can...in fact I will want to a soon as I get to my mum's, but it might seem rude if I make a beeline for their computer!!! I'll try to get in touch as soon as I can.<P>If you want to email me there her address is rita_15@hotmail.com. Can you let me know when you have noted this, and I will edit it out of my post.<P>How are things with you guys?

jacky,<P>i think you are doing a good thing. stay strong. don't cave... they get really scared when they see us get sny amount of strength... then we do what comes naturally, we try to be all womanly and protect them (cave in)... they hurt us and seem to have no concsience about it, but we think it might hurt them and we feel bad... oh brother... be strong girl... be strong...<P>it won't hurt to do something that will only benefit you and the kids... it will be good for you... and it doesn not mean there is no room for him to come back... you know what i mean??? <P>when are you packing the computer up???

Hi sis! <P>Well, I'm not packing it up - he will do it and send it along with my stuff. He can also fix the email I broke, as I haven't been able to.<P>But I will be offline to you guys at about 2pm or so your time tomorrow (Wednesday)...well hang on, what's the time there now? Add five or six hours, that will be 12.30am here....and yes I think I'll be up then because I fly out the next day and I will be restless. I always am when I fly.<P>I saw your post on the Mike thread, did you get around to reading that other post?<P>My kids are feeling it at the moment...they will have their last day at school tomorrow...parties, finality for them. Then H is taking them out tomorrow night. I hope he brings them back again!!! Oh what a horrible thought!!!

he will bring them back believe me... don''t even start thinking like that. you will drive yourself crazy...<P>no i havn't read that other post yet. i will try to today... my boss is going crazy right now... it is just me and him in the office and an importantn person is on vacation... and in my opinion they really didn't properly prepare for hi to go on vacation... so he is already driving me crazy and i have only been at work 2 hours... it's 10am here in california... i have a time difference from most others that post here... i feel so envious when i read that some people here have gotten togehter... so you have to help me with my time difference from you...<P>uuuggghhh... he is driving me crazy... i am ready to tell him something in a few minutes... i can't take him standing over me all day... then he complains about all the stuff he has to do... oh god... i get one bad job after another... i guess i need to read the joke i posted one more time... <P>

Just let him THINK he's the boss, you know the truth!!! <P>Time difference is 9 hours, cos it's 7pm here.<P>Speaking of weekends, did you read my posts from them...still on page one near the bottom, if you want an update.<P>Well, he just phoned the kids to have a talk to them....how about that, the third time in eight and a half weeks . Starting to miss them already. But I answered the phone, he was pleasant but I gave it to one of the kids pretty soon. The last one asked him if he wanted to speak to me, but he said no . Still, probably doesn't know what to say to me anyway.

dang it's already evening there and i am barely starting my day... <P>i'm not sure where your other posts are... tell one more time... i'm a little slow today... have much, much too much on my mind...<P>

They are still on the first page of this forum right down the bottom. One is called "I'm tired of it all", but the other, "My Morning roller coaster ride with h" is probably the one I wanted you to look at.<P>Get this, I was left to tell another of our good friends about our separation. I had asked h if he could get me their number, so I could say goodbye. Instead, he phones and gives them my number, telling them I'm going to Oz, but nothing else. The girl phones all excited for me that I was going on a holiday. I had to fill her in . <P>Lucky for me, this girl was my confidant during the first affair, so I felt easier talking to her than most. But Geez, what the hell is the big secret? If he is so sure of his decision, why isn't he telling anyone (except for the one guy in the email above - that's the only person I KNOW he's told,) we even had to tell his mum!!!

he is doing the typical man thing... he doesn't want to tell anybody anything that he will have to answer for later... he doesn't want out he just wants his cake and eat it too. you know how that goes. he knows in his heart no woman out there can match you... he is looking for her maybe, but you know and i know and he knows that if he lets you go he'll be comparing others to you forever... no one can replace the baby's momma... haven't you ever heard that??? even mine told me that. he wanted the d, but now he acts like he made some sort of mistake... BUT... he won't come home. won't committ. won't even call me his girl... it's that damn limbo thing... he wants the freedom of an unmarried man, but the pleasures of having his woman at home waiting for him to return... garbage... i think i need to write a book... we can all have an excerpt (how do you spell that??) ne way, i think you know what i mean...

oh my god... i just read your posts... the rollercoaster one has my heart all jacked up... i just can't take it... this reminds me too much of home... what in the heck is wrong with these men... they love us, but they are too stupid to just be our husbands and be happy with that... <P>your h sounds just like my stbx... it makes me beleive all the more that what i wrote above is true... he knows he can't replace the love you give him... just hang in there girl.. pray and trust... i know God is going to work this out for us... and i believe that it is going to be with our h's... why do i bleieve that??? cuz that is what i want to believe... and it's said, "ask the Lord for what you will and it shall be given unto you"... so i am asking that we have the desires of our hearts... do you agree??? if you do than that is our prayer sis...

Do you know that I prayed to God specifically for the first time today in ages? I sat in my favourite blue lounge chair in my bedroom and I just found myself talking to God. <P>See, I usually go by my guardian angels and spirit guides and the archangels, but for some reason today, I spoke to God. Not that I think his helpers aren't doing a good job...I asked them for peace to get through this few days and it seems to be working, but for my h's love, I felt I needed that higher power.<P>What is wrong with men....they cannot for the life of them admit they may be wrong. Last time, I believe I talked him into being with me, but this time I want to know it's from him, and him alone....maybe that's stubborn, but what is the point of reconciliation if hi heart isn't truly in it?

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Nina too:<BR><B>What is wrong with men....they cannot for the life of them admit they may be wrong. </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>this is exactly what i mean... my h wants me to do all the work... he tore this whole thing down, now he wants me to single handedly build it back up... but i feel like you... i will feel like this is the desire of my heart and not his true desire... he ended it, he should be working to rebuild it... at the very least, he could work with me... ya know...

EXACTLY!!!<P>And that is why I am going home. If there is anything left in him for me, it will come out now!