Things have been going really well with me and my husband for the past week. We have been separated 3 weeks now and we are finally starting to communicate without fighting. He is even starting to meet a couple of my emotional needs. He is calling me a lot more, he is starting to hug me again and he has even kissed me a couple of times this passed week.<P>Now that that kids are back in school (YIPEE!), he picks our one daughter up everyday and is at the house (our house) everyday. When I get home from work, he stays for about another hour or two, he and I have simple small talk and then goes to the place he is staying. WE never talk about our relationship anymore.<P>Here is my dilemma/question. Why would he want to move home now? He has the best of both worlds. He gets to see me and the kids for a couple of hours everyday and then gets to leave and not have the stress/reality of the responsibilities of raising a family. While I am very happy how things are going right now, my big fear is that we are going to fall into the rut of the same old things. I get very frustrated because even though things are going well right now, I am not seeing any signs of him wanting to move home. I know it is early in the separation but I feel that if I am completely available to him everyday, then he is not going to really be thinking of our unresolved issues.<P>Am I out of line here? How do I handle this? I know I can't say anything to him about the way I feel because I am afraid he will take it the wrong way. I do see the changes he is making but again, if he is able to just hang out with us everyday, I don't see that we will make any further progress.<P>Part of me wants to just keep on keeping busy like I was the first three weeks of the separation but will he interpret that as me trying to avoid him. I want him to miss us and see what he is really missing. He is the one who wanted the separation but if he starts getting in that comfort zone again, how is he going to be able to complete the process of dealing with all of our issues. I am continuing with my Plan A and the changes that I need to make in the relationship.<P>Am I just getting used to him being gone?<P>Am I getting scared if he does come back, all the problems aren't going to be fixed?<P>Should I just let things run there course and whatever will be will be?<P>HELP - I am feeling so confused today.<P>Any input would be greatly appreciated.<P><BR>

I've been thinking the exact same things- my wife wants to do a lot of family things, but is not interested in working or talking about the marriage right now. I sometimes think she gets to pretend to have a real family, while still pretending to be single. It's a confusing situation, no doubt. I can't really advise you, since I'm still in the middle of my own separation, but everyone advises me against impatience. Do you want a quick resolution? That would be divorce. Rebuilding the relationship takes more time. <P>What I'd do in your shoes woudl be enjoy the fact that things are going in the right direction, and look for ways to show him that being with you all for more than two hours a day will improve his life. You don't know exactly what's going on in his head; perhaps when he leaves, he sits in his apartment and says, man, I'd rather be home.

Hi,<P>I do not know your whole story but I think I still can help a little. It has only been a week since things have been moving forward, right? Things are good now and hopefully will continue. I would wait a while, let him miss being home. Maybe even not be available once and a while when he calls or wants to come over. When he is there make sure it's a happy place to be. Plan A. If you bring up "your realtionship or his living arrangements" he may feel pressured and pull away. May be an LB.<P>Give him time and keep up the good work. It sounds to me like he does want to be there and is working his way home. Try to get him to talk about his thoughts and feelings (not an easy task) Maybe just start by asking him what he thinks about when he is alone. Tell him you will listen to anything he has to say and make sure you don't but in when he talks. If he talks. Slowly work into it. No pushing. Then thank him for opening up to you. Don't give him advise or anything, just listen.<P>See what happens. If you go slow you may calm your own fears. Do you meditate? <P>e_w_s

Thanks EWS & Train. You have both given me some great input.<P>DO I MEDITATE. Hmmmm... NOPE! I have three kids (11, 6 & 2) never sleep and are always in my back pocket.<P>EWS - I have be very good at not being available but since he has to be at the house everyday until I get home from work, it is very hard. I do find myself keeping very busy while he is there as to not break up the daily routine so I can stay on top of things. I also try not to start conversation with him because I don't want to seem like I am pushing. As far as asking him what he thinks about when he is alone, I can't do that right now because it is an LB. I do listen when he wants to talk and I try not to interrupt. I definitely don't give him any advice anymore and it is getting easier for me to see him leave everyday. I make a conscious effort to thank him for everything. Even the small things that most people wouldn't expect to be thanked for.<P>Another part of my frustration is that he doesn't want our friends and family to know how much he is coming around and calling me. He wants to keep this very private right now. This concerns me but I understand it a little bit too. He doesn't want all the questions that come with him coming around and calling all the time. You know the questions. How's it going? Are you getting back together? When are you moving back in? etc. In that respect, I can understand him not wanting everybody know that things are starting to get better but on the other hand, it kind of hurts a little bit too. He says he doesn't want to jinx things by talking about it too much. I did tell him that IF he does come back, we are still going to have to face a lot of those questions. He said he knows that but it will be easier to deal with those questions because he will be back.<P>I will continue with my Plan A and just continue to let things progress. One saving grace for this weekend is my girlfriend just invited me and the kids to go camping which means we will not be available for him this weekend.<P>

Flip the switch and turn on the lights so Ms. Michele can see. OK I'm being a smart@$$.<P>Let's slip back into time a couple weeks ago. Mr. Man wasn't calling much, Mr. Man was showing NO affection, and Mr. Man couldn't hold a conversation with you without WWIII. Pretty close, right.....<P>So why these changes, because Ms. Michele has created a safe envirenment for Mr. Man. So now he starts "baby stepping" back into your life and you say he's getting the best of both worlds. NOPE.... Michele you're winning the race so don't act like you're not, he's comfortable and he's starting to explore you a little. <P>Mr. Man goes to another house everynight without being able to see your shining face or hear the kids. He wakes up each morning to the same. How could you ever think that he likes that because you know he's not that type of person.<P>Open your eyes and watch as your man slowly walks back onto the path that leads to you, encourage him, love him, and most of all wait for him to be by your side before you begin the journey....<P>Hugs, Thoughts, & Prayers<P>------------------<BR>Love, Bill<P>-There are none so blind as those who refuse to see!-<BR>-Stand up and do the right thing, even if your standing alone.-

You see, this is one of my faults. I always seem to find the negative out of everything good. It is a personality flaw that I am working on. It is a difficult task but I know I can prevail. Maybe I am just protecting myself from getting hurt again.<P>Another problem I can see myself getting into is acting like things are okay. This has been one of our fights for months is that when we start getting along really good, I start acting like everything is okay and that is an LB for him. He sometimes sends such confusing messages that I don't know how to handle it. My approach this past week has been to completely pull back and let things happen the way he wants to. I have noticed that since I have pulled back a lot, he thinks something is wrong with me but then when I start to let my guard down and try to show affection or am the one to initiate conversation, he thinks I am pushing. ARRRGGHH!<P>Bill, you are right. Mr. Man is starting to come around (in all respects) a lot more and I need to accept the good/positives out of this. I guess I am just really scared of screwing up the progress.<P>