After a 6 year marriage my wife has denied me sex for the past month, and hasn't really liked for me to touch her in any manner for the past 3 years. At night she just lays there like a lifeless manaquin while I caress her gently. She does'nt respond to my touch at all. There is no intimacy at all from my standpoint no matter how hard I try to demonstate my love and devotion. And yes, I do pay attention to her at other times other than when we go to bed. She hasn't kissed me in months and only allows me to give her little pecks on the check. She is 42 years old and I am 44. I have asked her repeatedly to go to councilling but she thinks that all councillers are "more messed up than she is". She has not worked for almost 2 years now while I support our family while she goes to school. To make matters worse she has a 27-year old son who has been freeloading at our house since January. He has never offered to pay any rent, utilities, buy any food, or help out with any chores but has plenty of time and money to crusie up and down the road in his new pickup truck. I don't mind him being there, its the freeloading that drives me crazy. Anyway I feel very alone, rejected emotionally and sexually and even abused. I also have a 15-year old son who is a very quiet and well-behaved child but he seems to be a thorn in my wife's side. He tries very hard to get along with her but to no avail. It is to the point where we can't even go grocery shopping without her having an angry outburst and forcing us to leave without our groceries. Perhaps I feel that I am at least entitled to a little gratitude since I have paid all the bills since day one of our marriage and am still paying $75 per month to keep insurance on her 21-year old daughter who doesn't even live with us. This is a second marriage for both of us and she did live with another man for a year prior to the time I met her. I have questioned her as to what was wrong. She says the sky is the limit for my son and his mother is always calling or stopping by to see him. I have been divorced from my x for 9 years now and have absolutely no romantic feelings for her so that can't be a problem. Since my wife started school she has developed her on circle of friends that she is in constant contact with either in person or on the phone. It is starnge that She never has any time for me but can spend hours on the phone. Sorry this is so long! Looking for adivce!

Just about to,<P>Did something tragic happen in her life? Your story has alot of similarities of mine. As most know by now, my husband beat me up three years ago. I had trouble kissing him or having sex with him afterwards. We kissed probably a handful of times in three years and probably less than 10 times of sex. I will be the first to admit that I was as he put it "a sack of potatoes" in bed. I did not want him anymore. I had no desire for him. Worse than that I felt physically ill when he would touch me. Well our situation is a little different in that I don't have angry outburst, especially in public places. <P>Anyway, maybe a whole different situation than you are going through but some of the things you said was like my husband talking about me.<P>BTW, you may have not meant this the way it sounded but you said this, quote "Perhaps I feel that I am at least entitled to a little gratitude since I have paid all the bills since day one of our marriage and am still paying $75 per month to keep insurance on her 21-year old daughter who doesn't even live with us." First I would like to say your comment about going to a prostitute makes sense when you say that, because isn't that exactly what you think of your wife. Because you are paying the bills you think you deserve her to have sex with you. I don't mean to sound hard on you, but geeeez. You really need to think about that comment and wonder if the things you are saying to her and the things you are doing are making her feel like she is bought and paid for. <P>My husband used to think because he paid a great portion of the bills he was entitled to come home and sit on his rear and have me wait on him hand and foot. Have his dinner made and laid out on the table for him. Do the laundry and everything else. He would say, I worked all day and my day is finished, I refuse to do anything else. And you know what, I did do all this for many years. Even though I too worked and those years I didn't work, I took care of his children. Well, it made me feel cheap and like all I was to him was a live in maid and his w***e. Although I think live in maids and whores got paid more than I did. I hope if you are doing this you will reconsider your actions.<P>Well like I said I hope I don't sound too harsh. I probably do though. I've had a very hard week trying to sort my own feelings. Sometimes I do think the direct approach is best approach though.<P>Good luck with your marriage.<P>ANNA<p>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 13, 2001).]

sounds like your wife is suffering from some deep depression and may need to see a medical doctor. if she refuses to take your suggestion to see counselor, maybe she might listen to her doctor... <P>I personally suffer form chemical depression and have found that seeing my md and my counselor help me a great deal...<P>Don't give up yet, there is still things you can offer her... Hang in there and look up...

I understand your pain brother. My wife did the same things alot. While I agree with Anna, more info is needed, I think that this issue boils down to men and women not understanding one anothers needs. Men NEED sex. Women NEED us to listen and snuggle. I am sure that I am oversimplifing but my point is that often sex IS used against a man. But that comes from a lack of understanding. Sex is one way that men show their love for their wives. Sorry ladies, it is true. It is ONE of our most important needs. Perhaps you are not meeting her needs in other areas. The important thing to try and do is to meet her Emotional needs. One thing women value is being financially stable. It is near the top of the list. So I doubt that is it. But one thing I despise is that my wife often withheld sex to punish. Scripturally, and I dont know your religious background, Paul exhorts husbands and wives NOT to withhold sex unless it is agreed on by both so that what you are mentioning (the hooker) wont happen and further complicate the matter.<P>Thats my take and all I can say without more information.<P>R

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Anna2000:<BR><B>Just about to,<P>Did something tragic happen in her life? Your story has alot of similarities of mine. As most know by now, my husband beat me up three years ago. I had trouble kissing him or having sex with him afterwards. We kissed probably a handful of times in three years and probably less than 10 times of sex. I will be the first to admit that I was as he put it "a sack of potatoes" in bed. I did not want him anymore. I had no desire for him. Worse than that I felt physically ill when he would touch me. Well our situation is a little different in that I don't have angry outburst, especially in public places. <P>Anyway, maybe a whole different situation than you are going through but some of the things you said was like my husband talking about me.<P>BTW, you may have not meant this the way it sounded but you said this, quote "Perhaps I feel that I am at least entitled to a little gratitude since I have paid all the bills since day one of our marriage and am still paying $75 per month to keep insurance on her 21-year old daughter who doesn't even live with us." First I would like to say your comment about going to a prostitute makes sense when you say that, because isn't that exactly what you think of your wife. Because you are paying the bills you think you deserve her to have sex with you. I don't mean to sound hard on you, but geeeez. You really need to think about that comment and wonder if the things you are saying to her and the things you are doing are making her feel like she is bought and paid for. <P>My husband used to think because he paid a great portion of the bills he was entitled to come home and sit on his rear and have me wait on him hand and foot. Have his dinner made and laid out on the table for him. Do the laundry and everything else. He would say, I worked all day and my day is finished, I refuse to do anything else. And you know what, I did do all this for many years. Even though I too worked and those years I didn't work, I took care of his children. Well, it made me feel cheap and like all I was to him was a live in maid and his w***e. Although I think live in maids and whores got paid more than I did. I hope if you are doing this you will reconsider your actions.<P>Well like I said I hope I don't sound too harsh. I probably do though. I've had a very hard week trying to sort my own feelings. Sometimes I do think the direct approach is best approach though.<P>Good luck with your marriage.<P>ANNA<P>[This message has been edited by Anna2000 (edited September 13, 2001).]</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>i don't think anna edited her message enough... i am sorry that you had to get this type of reaction for your first post <P>many people here will give you love and support and will critisize or advise in love... <P>I do not believe that you feel your payment should be sex, i feel that you are asking for love, respect, attention and time focused on your relationship with your wife... some people can be closed minided when they are having issues and/or have not healed from thier own resentments and that sometimes dissallows a person to not be able to hold back judgement...<P>God bless you don't give up on us here... many of us do have good nonjudgemental advice...

robc,<P>i am a female and i completely understand the need for a man to be able to be with his wife... i hate that witholding thing. <P>i wish we could all be more like God/Christ, then this place wouldn't have over 45k posts/replies in it...ya know<BR>

The title was just an attention getter. I have never in my life called or required the services of a hooker.<P>In reponse to Anna 2000 I confess that I believe that I have made my wife feel as though she is not an equal partner when it comes to finances due to the fact that I can see the beginnings of an upcoming separation and divorce on a cyclical bassis. It seems that every 6 months or so she goes deeper into her isolation stance and becomes more and more distant until I can find something to lift her spirits. It is true that I am somewhat shy and a quiet, private person and she often feels like an outsider because she believes that I am harboring secrets from her. The truth is that I don't see a need to share my every waking thought with her and am definately not hiding any significant information. There have been times when she would not speak to me for days, and would not tell me anything, as a method of getting revenge on me for being so quiet. Another example is at a funeral I made the comment that the deceased had been hospitalized for months, lived a long life and was 92 years old so it was to be expected. This was my way of trying to be optimistc and make her feel better about the situation, instead for 5 years she continues to bring up the subject and how insensitive it was of me and insist on going to all funerals on her own now even though I am trying to giver her my support. I am at my witts end because I feel like I can't live without her but know that this has been going on for years and is not likely to get any better. Really, it is a very unhealthy relationship for all of us involved and should not continue. How does one bring themselves to end a relationship. Neither one of us could be classified as a quiter.<P>I don't know of anything tragic that may have happend to her other than growing up in a broken home where her father beat her mother. She was left alone to fend for herself after a bitter divorce with her first h and has developed a very independent attitude.<P>I welcome all comments and suggestions, flame or no.<BR>

Idostylin,<P>You may have hit the nail on the head. It is true that she has a lot of trouble sleeping and only sleeps about 3 hours per night. The rest of the time she claims to just lie there. Now if I could only get her to seek professional help. Also she perceives herself to be under a lot of pressure from her school studies and says that worrying keeps her awake. She is always complaing about being extremely tired.

Idostyling.....OUCH!!!!<P>Just about to,<P>Thanks for responding. If I sounded to critical then I am sooo sorry! It was not meant to sound that way. Actually I just hoped if you are making your wife feel anything like my husband made me feel, then by seeing how I felt you will more understand how she is feeling. <P>I have been told by my friends and my family that I have a straight forward, get to the point personality. They have told me they admire this in me and wish they could be more straight forward with people. Mainly because I won't sugar coat and I never just tell them what they want to hear but tell them like it is. They are good friends and I never worry that I will lose their friendship with my honesty. They ask my opinion alot and I ask their opinion alot too and hope they will never just tell me the things I want to hear. However, because I can be so opinionated I do have to discipline myself with giving opinions only when it is asked for.<P>I do hope you have taken this just as such. At the risk of sounding oh soooo frank again. I will say this, you asked how you can end a relationship because yours it not healthy. Instead I think you should read up on this site, read plan A and plan b, even though your spouse has not found someone else, I think this will help you. I also hope you will not give up on your marriage yet. I would highly HIGHLY (can't stress enough how highly) recommend you read from cover to cover the book "Men are from mars, women are from venus." Keep this in mind also, a psychologist once said early in our marriage this "If you divorce your spouse and remarry the problems you are having will only carry to the next marriage. At first oh yes you may be happy but then eventually those same problems will follow you if you don't get guidance in how to make a healthy marriage. Whether you are with this spouse or another spouse you will still have all the work to do to make a good marriage. So why not get this marriage on the right track. The pain of seperation and divorce is not any less healthy than a very bad relationship." I would say she was a very wise psycholgist.<P>Anyway, once again sorry if I came down too hard.<P>Good luck.<BR>ANNA

now i really believe that she may have depression... i have been clinically depressd for many years, but it was only diagnosed in me about 4 years ago... i could not sleep, i was agitated all the time, i did my best to get out of bed and go to work, but when i came home i got straight in the bed, i thought i hated my spouse and he made it worse by his lack of understanding. So everything was buck wild. Then i hurt my back and was laid up for 7 weeks. The chiropracter (can't spell )emplored me to take my medicine (forgot to say i refused to take my medicine because i thought that certified that i was crazy BTW, I am crazy ) <P>Then i started seeing the counslor i am seeing now. He told me, "do you h a favor and take your medicine"... Boy oh boy has it helped. I am still crazy, but i can sleep and i can function pretty normally. Most of the time ...

Trouble getting enough sleep and depression look like the major physical causes here.<P>I am an extremely light sleeper and once I'm awakened, cannot fall right back to sleep. Sleep (7-8 hrs.) is very important to my physical health.<P>I am also chemically depressed and am taking medication for that....helps alot!! Not only with the depression, but now I don't have so much stress, thus can relax more easily.<P>My H used to want to have sex ONLY at night...in the middle of the night, or so it seemed to me: I went to bed at 9:30pm and he went to bed at 1:00am, so it seemed like the middle of the night! It was TOTALLY annoying and we constantally struggled with who's need is most important...sleep or sex. <P>The thing is, he wouldn't compromise on the sex issue. And I couldn't compromise on the sleep issue....I was a working woman. It was one of the major issues (to him) about why he wasn't happy in the marriage. I totally under stand it and yet thought that he was the one who should or could have compromised.<P>We never did resolve it....we just stopped having much sex....which led to not having much affection.....which led to not having much warm feelings....which led to....<P>O, you get the picture....he's been gone now for almost two years.<P>I don't know what to say except that it'll will only get worse. Unless there is a specific cause that your wife can state why she won't have sex, she needs medical and/or psychological help. All I can say is you have to make it VERY, VERY OBVIOUS that this is a BIG issue to you and that you just can't take it anymore. DRAG her to a doctor. She needs it. And she might not even be aware of it, no matter what she says. If you love her and want to save your marriage, you HAVE to do it.<P>Aloha,<BR>Onie