My husband and I are childhood sweethearts - have always "loved" each other very deeply - but had rocky time thru the years - even divorced and remarried (6 years ago) - again things fell "down" and I asked him to leave (didn't know about Plan A (what is THAT?) - a few years have gone by - we see each other regularly and continually tried to "get back in the saddle" with no success - NOW an OW is in the picture - he said she makes him feel like "a man" - even went away with her this weekend (OUCH!!!!) - but did say he really wants to work this out with me - is just exhausted. Asked me if I was going to "hang in there" - right before he went this weekend - before I had said I would - but at that moment I said I can't - it's killing me - (although I'm desperate and would consider "whatever") - am afraid cuz i said no - not sure what to doooooo!!!! Want to save marriage -

Pressing on:<BR>Since CJ is not here i thought I would just copy her latest post to Biddy which gives a lot of useful info to new people.<BR>Good luck with everything and sorry you are going through such an incredibly hard time...<P>ANNA<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by FaithfulWife:<BR><B>Welcome Biddy…<P>This is my general welcome post for all new people.<P>This greeting is geared toward people whose spouses had an affair (A), but since it’s general, good advice, it can help your situation as well!! <P>It has a couple of links to many of the most important MB (Marriage Builder) sites.<P>Click here ==> General Welcome for All New Builders(Newbies) <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum29/HTML/000553.html</A> <P>About your post... <P>Rather than letting go of your marriage, I suggest that you start on a Plan A... <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html</A> <BR>Check out this post Plan A - 101 (2nd ed.), by a very wise, good friend named NSR (Jim). <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html" TARGET=_blank>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum30/HTML/000176.html</A> <P>Plan A is not just for trying to win back a spouse. It is what you should be doing to build/rebuild yourself first... and then your marriage! It is about becoming the person that you have the potential to be-—the person that God intended for you to be! It is about becoming the very best spouse you can be, whether or not your spouse is the best spouse they can be. <P>I will share with you my story a little. My H left me 1 1/2 years ago for another woman--he did have a physical affair with her. When he left, I started to learn the ways in which I had contributed to our problems and made changes for the better to myself. I began to become the woman, mother and wife that God intended for me to be. I had to learn how to forgive the past. I had to learn how to speak up for myself and be brave. I had to do a lot of humbling things. But I also learned how to have joy again, how to find satisfaction and peace within myself, and how to Give when my H was not able to give back to me. You can do it too. <P>If I were to give an intelligent guess, I would say that your spouse's lovebank is empty. You two have tried for years to reach out and try to connect and interact with each other, and eventually neither one of you had anything more to give. Imagine a pitcher of water that is constantly pouring water OUT but never getting a refill of water. It can't keep pouring out forever! Eventually, the pitcher will run dry and it will have to stop pouring out. That's what has happened here. Your spouse poured and poured and poured and finally ran dry. Now your job is not to give up--it is to think of your spouse and REFILL THEIR PITCHER. <P>You will probably have to fill the pitcher for a while without getting anything back to you to fill your pitcher, so be ready for that. It will take some time for your spouse to believe that it's true and that you are sincere, so pace yourself and rest and take care of yourself, and come here for your gripes and for some encouragement. Okay?<P>If you have drifted away from your faith (whatever that may be)consider rediscovering it. This step too, has helped countless marriages and marriage builders. <P>You are in my thoughts and prayers tonight.<P><BR>CJ<P></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P><BR>

pressing on,<P>Wow, what a story, you condensed quite a bit into one paragraph. Well, what can I say, welcome aboard, you are in the right place, if there is help for you anywhere, it is right here in the Marriage Builders forums. I firmly believe that Dr. Harley is the best in the business.<P>I sure hope you will stick with us for a while, it sounds like you have a mountain of experience to share with us.<P>We can't tell you what to do, only you can decide that. But you don't have to do it alone. We are all in the same boat, having had marriages get into trouble, we are trying to make the best out of a bad situation too.<P>Whatever you decide, you will be in our hearts and our prayers. I think you'll find most of the folks here very supportative.<P>Prayers and stuff,<P>Bumper

Anna Banana, you fair maiden you, thanks! <P>Pressing on, <BR>Wow! You sure have been through the ringer. I guess my first question to you would be, how are YOU? Are you taking care of YOU? Not selfishly, or anything, but when you're in it for the long haul like this, you really need to care for yourself to have the stamina to keep going. So I would ask, what are you doing to take care of yourself? Are you eating? Are you getting enough rest? <P>Now, pressing on, we are not kids anymore, you and I, and we BOTH know that marriage is not the "happily ever after" that we thought it was when we were in high school. It is not "everlasting love" or someone who is always there to meet your needs. We wives are not syrupy sweet "helpmates" and the husbands are not strong, faithful and supportive! But it is a commitment--a choice that you make every day, day by day--and it a marriage it is a choice that two people make EVERY DAY to be with each other, to help each other grow as people, and to become closer and more intimate. <P>Pressing on, I would say that it's going to be difficult for your and your husband (H) to make that kind of choice every day when there is another woman in the picture. I understand the idea that she "makes him feel like a man" and it TOTALLY strokes his ego to be doted over and all. But how can he choose to be with you, to help you grow as a person, and become closer and more intimate with you when he is with another person? And how can you be with him, help him to grow and improve as a person, and become closer and more intimate with him when he is with someone else? See??? There's an inherent problem here. <P>So, pressing on, I suggest that you click on the links from my post to Biddy (haha--thanks again, Anna Banana), and they will explain to you what Plan A is. BUT, let me tell you right now that Plan A is NOT becoming a doormat for your spouse. It is NOT giving them love and attention and admiration at home while they go out and get it from another person too. That's just having his cake and eating it too. No, Plan A is about getting honest with yourself. It's about learning the ways that you drained love from your husband and doing the hard work to not do those things anymore. As an example, I had a problem with angry outbursts (and to be honest, I still struggle with it), but I know that when I yell and say words in anger, it leaves a hole in his heart. Plan A is also about learning the ways that you can improve as a woman, a mother, and a wife. It's about becoming the person that you have the potential to be--the woman that God intended for you to be. <P>I would say, go to the Marriage Builders web site and read all that your mind can absorb, and come back here and write and ask questions. You WILL survive this, and you CAN win him back, pressing on. <P>{{{{{Pressing on}}}}}<P>CJ<P>------------------<BR>Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it.