The big news that my H wanted to say but couldn't find the right words was that he is sorry. He is sorry about everything from beginning to end.<P><BR>BUT.... he still doesn't want to try to work on our marriage. He doesn't know how.<P>I explained that I just couldn't do this anymore. No matter how much I tried to keep my expectations to a minimum, I always end up getting hurt.<P>I felt this at the Family Day things. I went to that because of him. I was miserable because I wanted to be there with my husband, as a family, not just as somebody who he wanted to show his workplace too. I went so he would not be disappointed. The kids, BTW had a great time.<P>I suppose all things considered, the day was beneficial. It convinced me without a shadow of a doubt that I have to go to plan B in order to maintain my sanity. I have been so afraid of hurting his feelings that I have not been protecting my own.<P>I love him but not enough to allow him to continue living with OW and to be in my life. It is very clear to me now that in order for my heart to heal, I must cut off the source of the pain.<P>It won't be easy but none of this has been easy anyway. We discussed this and he doesn't understand why I have to pull away. He says that there is nothing wrong with us talking. I explained that it causes me pain. He said he didn't want to hurt me anymore. <P>I told him that I hated to lose. He said " you know who the loser is". I said, you didn't lose, you forfeited the game. If you would just play the game, we could win this together." He just said he was the loser in our situation.<P>What do you do when you and your spouse both want the same things but don't know how to accomplish them.<P>He thinks I will never forgive him and that we will always have to have those "major emotional " conversations. I tried to explain that I wouldn't be trying so hard to convince him that I loved him and that I would do anything to make this work if I didn't feel capable of forgiving him.<P>I've said everything and done everything. He knows how I feel and it is up to him now.<P>I asked him to stay outside in the mornings and I would send the kids out to go to school. This really seemed to upset him but I don't see any other way. By talking to him, offering him leftovers, tylenol, jokes I've heard, whatever.... I am able to fulfill his need for friendship and attention and conversation. <P>I'm not capable of being his friend right now. It hurts because I want to be more than friends. Maybe someday when my emotional wounds heal and I stop wanting him as my H, I will be able to resume a friendship.<P>Please pray for me as I begin this very hard chapter of my life. I have lost my husband and that was out of my control. I am making the decision to go to Plan B and that is more difficult because I am in control of my actions now.<P>Thanks for your support. I will need you all as I've lost my best friend.<P>Lynn

Lynn,<BR>What your H is doing is pretty much the pattern of this affair thing. They feel guilty, so they are constantly telling you they are sorry. But yet they just are not ready to give up on the dream affair. They are emotioally out of control and its sad but true that you have to be the strong one. I do think that for your own sake you need to do plan B. All plan A is doing is making you feel like he is using you. <P>Hugs,<P>Jill

Lynn,<P>Well, your situation is much more difficult than mine, but I've been feeling the same way. I love my wife, but I'm dying here - can't sleep or do anything - when we talk we often argue or are just cold.<P>I just "decided" yesterday to go toward Plan D - or at least B, ... so this afternoon she calls - seems pleasant then starts telling me what I need to do (get a job). I say "I'm working on it", I turn the convo over to saying that I need to come see the baby sometime today - and I want to take her to the park and swing. W says "You don't want me around?". I say "Yes, you get between us". So eventually with more of this, she hangs up on me and I assume I'm not welcome and she's not coming to my place. I went to the county park to walk in the woods for awhile. When I got home about 2 hours later, she was here - doing her laundry and saying "I thought you were going to be here to do something with the baby." She started into me about not being there - and I just let it go. Then she suggested that we go shop together and she would cook. ??? What's all this? I mean, yeah, she's been doing this - but... things have changed since she finally bedded OM last weekend while I was out of town. But... I went along with it - grocery shopping, cooking, dinner. It went smoothly. She was on her best behaviour. What does it mean? I don't know - but I think she just wants to keep me on the hook. I don't know what she tells OM about this.<P>So, I failed to do it - to tell her "leave me alone until you're ready to talk about fixing the marriage - until you're ready to make a clean break with OM".<P>Oh well... [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img]<P>-AD<p>[ October 14, 2001: Message edited by: AbandonedDad ]

As hard as it may be I think you are making the right choice, you can not go on hurting yourself and you are right he is the source of your pain. It sounds like he is unsure of what he wants and he does not want to let go yet,, I think your plan A has worked, plan B will help him make his choice and it will help you move forward and heal

(((((((((((((Lynn)))))))))))))))))<P>I always hurt a little when I see the BS giving up, or in, whatever. Because I know it would be the hardest decision ever. You are being strong, and looking after yourself...it has to be this way for now.<P>Your H is a cakeman...wants it both ways. Well it is up to you to let him know that is unacceptable. You are doing that, though the message seems to be taking a little long to sink in. He will understand in time, what he has done to his wife and family. But by then it will probably be too late.<P>Take care Lynn,<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

{{{Lynn}}}<P>It IS hard, I was where you are once. Now I know that Plan B was the best thing for the girls and I to do. I totally understand how used you feel, the constant scrambling of trying to make someone else see what could be fixed, when they don't want to waste time trying. Do what you have to do to make yourself strong! It is easier with them out of the picture than constantly around.<P>Now that I am divorcing, I can only hope that my STBX is forced, legally, to get the parental classes and the counseling he needed. That he threw his family away on a 'single' life may eventually smack him upside the head, but the girls and I have spent the last year growing and healing.<P>Lori [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

Hi Lynn, I am where you are right now and I know how difficult this is for you. H and I have been separated over 6mos. I am the one trying to Plan A trying to show him how much I love him and want to be his wife. We are at the point now where it is really starting to affect our kids. They miss their dad but apparently that's not even enough to make him see what he is doing. I have been allowing his behavior. I have been the puppet and he is my puppeteer. the stress from all of this is literally making me physically sick. I know I have got to move to Plan B but I also know it will be just as hard on me. I'm praying for you that you will get through this next chapter of this journey we are on. Don't be so hard on yourself. I too think that when I start to heal emotionally I will get through this. I continue to allow my feelings to get hurt and then I feel as though I am back to square one. We can do this. Be strong. <BR>cybil

I had to post again Lynn to tell you something.<P>Don't be afraid of Plan B. It will protect your feelings. I don't mean the love ones...I mean the gut wrenching, jittery, on edge, ruined my day feelings. I have found that when I have to deal with H it makes me feel SO much worse...like today, when I just HEARD his voice (of course one voicemail message WAS unsettling - see my posts). But I cope quite well without contact.<P>He needs a real wake up call, and if you are very lucky, if it is what you want, Plan B MIGHT wake him up. But do it for yourself.<P>Love and light,<P>Jacky

Thanks so much for the replies.<P>The hardest part is actually telling him to leave me alone. I told him my reasons on Saturday and asked for his cooperation. <P>However, yesterday he comes in and rubs my shoulders while I'm looking at some pictures he had developed. And today he comes in telling me about a joke he heard on the radio and blah, blah, blah about work, etc....<P>I am doing my best to keep my distance, such as blow-drying my hair when he was telling me the joke, but I have never been the type of person to just say, shut up , don't talk to me.<P>How am I supposed to handle this. I did not give him the letter I wrote. It needs some revision. But there was nothing in the letter that I haven't said to him dozens of times. He is definately a cake man, as Jacky put it.<P>I didn't get my feelings hurt yesterday or today because I didn't allow myself to get really participate in conversation. <P>I know this is not acceptable in Plan B but I'm not the one initiating contact. I'm doing what I can to do other things when he is around. No more standing around just to talk to him or following him to the truck, etc. Is that enough???<P>PP