Bumper,<p>I have read many articles on this site..
and that one about "The Lovers Perspective" you posted to someone really hit me..I read that
and see that I have done what Dr. Harley
says.<p>If you have an affair, end the relationship (And yes, in withdrawl, you can have thoughts of suicide..and hopelessness..and once you make it through that part..the rest is much easier)confess, and talk to the spouse on what the
problems were (i've done all this)..if the other spouse doesn't respond..to meet those needs..move to plan b. seperate..and still offer the spouse the opportunity to learn/and want to meet those needs (done this also)except now you have to
deal with the emotions of your spouse still
not meeting those needs..and learn to accept that..<p>this I beleive is the hardest part..knowing your spouse doesn't want to learn how to meet these needs to make the marriage work..which is where I am..he didn't even want to try to learn..said he couldn't do it..end of story..and he still blames
me for the marriage ending..because I could no longer except things as they were..plus if you have kids, you need to help them cope as well..<p>I know things are not hopeless..but sometimes they
are very overwhelming..especially when you've been a SAHM for so long..and your not sure where to go
do I go back to school and get my degree like I was doing?? and if so how will the bills get paid? do I go back to work full time and forget about the education?? Do I go to work fulltime, and school part time, and the kids suffer because I'm never there?? Do I work part-time, and go to school part-time?? And where do you go for help??
For guidance? I pray..but, sometimes..it's hard..
when the bills are mounting up..and creditors are calling..and you wonder..did I make the best choice..I know that I did..because the way things were death would have been prefered..<p>But, now comes the challenging part..where do you go from here?? I know that there have been others
who have been where I am..(wish my mom were still
alive, because she was one of them)but, where do
you go to find these women..and get advice..and guidance?? during my marriage..my stbxh didn't even like me going to church..he didn't like my friends..and most all of the women I know now are
still SAHM's and I've lost contact with many women
friends..and those I know who are divorced worked during their marriages..so their struggles
were not the same..I know they used to have a support group for displaced homemakers..but, even that isn't avaiable anymore..at least not where I
have seen..so any suggestions would really be
appreciated..<p>Thanks..

TR,<p>Go back to church. Call your old friends. They, unlike your H will probably forgive you for neglect. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I don't think that you should feel badly about your husband's refusal to meet your needs. He is the one that is so rigid that he refused to bend. Plan B with no contact is supposed to be so that you will retain some love and withdraw before it is too late from an unresponsive spouse. Why don't you put the focus on yourself, and see what you can do now to improve your life???<p>Even if you're not with an alcoholic, alanon will help with self esteem and depression issues. It is also a resource for meeting other nice women.<p>Take care of you!<p>Anne

Hi TR,<p>Well, I am honored that you thought of me for this one. But I must admit I am totally unqualified.<p>You already know what we all know, when affairs happen, there is plenty of hurt to go around, betrayed, betrayer, OP, children, relatives, friends etc. everyone gets hurt. At least that was my story, wife had an affair, then I had one, by the time it was over, she was gone, the kids were gone, the house was gone, even the dog left. The choices I made didn't work very well.<p>I didn't know what to do, but I knew I had to do something. The first thing I did was get into a less expensive home, but still one with enough room for the kids. And one by one, they came back to live with me.<p>If you used a word that rings a bell, it was "overwhelmed". There isn't another word in the english language more appropriate. I just couldn't handle it all at once. Overwhelmed by her affair, overwhelmed by her callous indifference to my feelings, overwhelmed by the comfort I found in another woman's arms. <p>And Overwhelmed playing Mr. Mom. Used to make my self written lists and priorities, like Must Do, Need to Do, Nice To Do. Strictly a first things first mentality. Pick something, get it under control, then pick up the next thing.<p>My social life was very limited for several years. I went to a lot of AA meetings for support. We used to have one on Saturday Mornings that was attended by a lot of single parents, especially when the kids were on EOW visitation. We all used to go to a deli for brunch afterwards, and pair off or group up to do something, you know, movies, boat rides, museums, free concerts etc. Nobody fell in love, it was just a chance to get in out of the cold for a few hours.<p>The kids had to come first. Looking back, I have no regrets about that at all. They are all raised and educated and on their own except for the youngest. He is terminally ill, that's another whole story. And all three are still close to both their mother and to me.<p>One can only hope that this is helpful. You aren't the only one who gets overwhelmed from time to time. And you sure aren't the only one, who given a chance, might see things a little different the second time around. I hope you will hang in here, maybe read some more of Dr. Harley's stuff.<p>Dr. Harley's ideas weren't know in those days. When I read his columns, I just look at what I did and realize it couldn't possibly have worked. At least with MB one has a fighting chance.<p>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ThornedRose}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Anne, <p>I've been back in church..actually I've been
looking for one a little closer..the one I had
gone to for years that I dearly loved had a Wonderful single parents Sunday school class..and since the divorce isn't final yet, I can't go there..(they are very adament about that)and as
far as my old friends go, well, two of them married and moved away..(I keep in touch w/ them in e-mail) one of the others well, she only calls
now when things are going bad in whatever relationship she's in at the time..two others moved with their spouses to take jobs in other states..another married, divorced, and I have no idea where she is now, I have talked to her ex-h
though, they didn't have kids so he has no idea where she is..others left to go to different churches-so even though I have lived here almost my entire life..it's like moving to a new town..and not knowing anyone..<p>I am meeting a few women through a support group
with the womens shelter..as far as Al-anon, I've called about that..they meet once a week across town..the same night as my other support group..
you'd think for as large as this city is w/ surrounding communities, they'd have more..(over 1 million ppl)but, that is the only one I have found..even the local shelters in two counties, Salvation Army,and churches I'd called don't know of another.. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I guess, I need to go down to the local community
college, and see what they offer..I know the one
closest to me doesn't offer much..as far as guidance..but, I have looked online and seen the other offers a little more..and I had my insurance
agent called yesterday,and mentioned a course she teaches on finances something through the other college for women..said they have two different sessions..one during the week, the other every saturday for like two months..she said they have like one class on interviewing skills, another for
something else..said, she couldn't remember all of them..she just knows she does the financial class..so who knows..they may offer something...<p>I think I'll drive over there today..and get more
info..get my mind on something..postive..<p>Bumper, <p>That's just it, I know I need to do something..<p>I guess, the very worst part of it all is he is
trying to get custody of the kids..and mt atty is
looking at the money issue, will he get paid??.and because there are no physical scars of abuse..he won't look at it as abuse,yet my youngest daughter is scared to go anywhere or for me to go anywhere,because she's terrified I won't come back, I'd gone out of town one weekend, and stbx told the kids I was leaving and wasn't coming home, and that I was going to start a new life somewhere else without them so now when she doesn't see or talk to me even when she's w/ him she calls from school, to make sure she can reach me, and if she can't she gets physically ill, throwing up, everything..and he calls me cussing me telling me it's my fault, and that I need to do something..and where the F* were you when she called?? And saying..You just need to keep your [censored] home so they know where the F* you are.. (CONTROLLING!!!) [img]images/icons/mad.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Anyway...enough venting..I need to go to the college..and see what I can find out..

TR,<p>For five dollars a month you can get a pager. You can give the number to your daughter and no one else. Then she can always get hold of you by paging you, and you can have some freedom and not have to keep you F* A$$ at home!!!<p>Don't let that man do that to you. And I would keep a journal of every time he says something like this in front of your children. It would be harder to deny if it is documented and dated when you bring it to the courts. <p>BTW, The shelters may have info on how you can start your own support group...<p>Anne

TR, being a single sahm, and facing divorce is an awful time, and indeed overwhelming. Any man worth the gender would assist you in getting on your feet (even if it is not really possible to remain married), but hopefully the courts will assist in that regard, assuming your stbxh has any financial worth. It is hell leaveing a controller, probably the emotional issues are worse than the actual reality, but overwhelming is the right word, you are at risk for taking care ouf yourself, and they just keep making you feel worse (of course that is what controllers do, they deal in attacking self-esteem). There is lots of help (I imagine) in getting control of your life on the internet. Stuff about jobs, and careers, and figuring out who you are, and what you want. Hopefully your church community will also be helpful, at least most of the time people will just not let folks starve, or lose their shelter, and such, just do not be too proud to ask early on (not when the wolf is at the door). Someday you will be able to repay the kindness (life is like that, so don't be afraid to ask now). On a practical note, if you are reasonably good at computer, and have an entrepreneurial bent, on-line is a great place to start a business. Is pretty cheap to register a name, and even get a canned retail website. Spruce it up a bit in your own personal way, and start selling stuff, anything is possible. Maybe coop with other sahm who become single and need to work, so you can cover each others kids as you find part-time jobs. And you can go to school on-line too, but any long-term educational goals will not help you much now. Also you can telecommute in various ways...for example medical transcription services (if you type good) sub out to independent contractors (you) and pay by the page. I know survival is an all-consuming focus when you are on the ragged edge. But as time goes on, and the dark cloud of abuse and control drifts away, you will find life is a lot of fun, and you will be ok, and you will heal and be happy........... and you will find someone to share it with, someone who is a safe place, just be a lot more picky, and keep your eyes wide open this time. Good Luck.

Thank you all for your support..<p>Anne,<p>I've considered getting a beeper, or even
a pre-paid cell phone for the kids to call
me..but, for right now, I need to look over
my finances which aren't very much right now..
and go from there...<p>S-N-L,<p>I know what I want..I want to go back to
college..and get my degree..I was going
part-time before, and it took me years
to get up the courage to go against him
on that..but,I took the step..I was going
for a duel degree, Computer/Electronics
Engineering..I know I'm intelligent enough..
I carried a 4.0--but, I also would have
retake all of my electronics courses
because the college I was going to wouldn't
transfer my credits..(I personally think
they were looking at all the money they
would be losing if they accepted them they
would lose 34 Sem.Hours at what $47 an hour
thats some $1600 plus books)and even w/ the experience and no degree (no piece of paper)
the companies here won't even talk to you..
So, because they wouldn't transfer these credits
I have to start from square one..which is even
more frustrating..<p>I have also thought about the e-commerce.
just wouldn't know where to begin there..
but, I can probably come up with something..
maybe go back to selling Avon, and do a webpage
with that..I have two friends who do avon that have booths at the flea market and at the mall...it's an idea..I'll have to check in to..<p>I'm also trying to talk a friend of mine into
letting me do a webpage for his company..but,
he's still computer and internet shy..so he
won't do it..but, maybe if I started my own..he
would be more willing..and I'm also a notary..and
could get my electronic signature, and do that
also..hmmmmm...I also know NTO's, and liens,
I could contact small subcontractors, that I know..and do that...hmmmm...okay..brain storming..
[img]images/icons/rolleyes.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Like I said, I know I am intelligent..I guess,
it's just a matter of figuring out where to
start..