I wanted to say thank you for everyone who responded so kindly to my message. I got so nervous and scared after I posted the message, I tried to delete it. I have re-registered myself. I thought I would get hate mail back. I feel like such a terrible person, that I deserve the worse in life. I am so depressed and I hate myself. I have not told one soul about the affair, no one evens knows about the problems in my marriage. I've kept everything inside for so long, sometimes I think I'm going to explode.<P>Can you tell me how long will this withdrawal last? I feel as though I'm in living hell. I miss him so much. I can't eat, sleep, all I do is cry. It's only been 3 weeks for me but it seems like an eternity. I lie awake in bed at 1:00AM and cry quietly so by H doesn't hear. When I do sleep, I have terrible nightmares. <P>Even though I knew it was wrong to have an affair and I had tried to break it off in the past, the pull, attraction to this OM was so strong. I had always told him we had to straigthen out our marriages first and then if that failed, if we were truly meant to be, it would happen. Maybe now I feel so lost because he was the one who said goodbye. I can't understand why it took him until now to realize he couldn't leave for his son. All this time, he was telling me how he couldn't be himself with her, how I was his true love, he wasn't in love with her anymore.<P>He actually sits near me at work, I can see him, hear his voice, his laughter, I feel like I'm dying inside. We work on projects together, I love my work and have been here 10 years. Do I have to quit?<P>Tonight is actually the first time me & my husband are going to counseling together. He is extremely jealous, I fear telling him for what he might do, he has asked "about someone else" during arguments, and if there was he would kill me. I know its all bark, but I'm scared. <P>Everything was so right was this OM, nothing was forced, so natural. I did love my husband at one time very much but it's not the same. Now that I know how it can be, I want that at home. <P>I feel so lost.

I hear you. Things do get better. This is a very tough situation you and your husband are in and there are a number of steps you can take to make it better for yourself. <P>See a doctor about antidepressants. <P>Find a different job. <P>Keep posting here.<P>I am the betrayer in my marriage and there is lots of support for spouses like us.<P>TryingAgain

Can't reply to your post right now...busy. But, I do want to get back to you soon. I know how hard it can be.<P>Pam

Hi Hummingbird,<P>I responded to your other post. But I'm here again. Your story is so damn similar to mine. It's weird how there is so much sychronicity on this forum!<P>I fell in love with a co-worker too. I have been working at this company for almost 10 years. We don't sit very far away. I hear her voice or laughter several times a day, and it does hurt.<P>I don't know how long withdrawal lasts. I've been having withdrawal for at least 2 months now. It's getting better, but it's still there. It's a giant rollercoaster and you're strapped in until it finally ends. It DOES end though...<P>One things that makes the withdrawal worse is the fact that you're working with him. You see or hear him every day. I would suggest that you get another job. Otherwise you'll just make your pain worse. I've tried to stay at my current job, but I just can't take it. My last day is tomorrow, actually.<P>I think the fact that you are going to councelling is a very good thing. It's a good step towards finding out what happened in your marriage. Keep going and keep bringing your hubby. Also, if the councellor suggests anti-depressant meds, GET THEM! They'll definitely help!<P>Remember one thing too -- you are NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON. You've done some wrong things, but you are not TERRIBLE! You do deserve a happy life. We all do.<P>--andy

Andy & Holly,<P>Andy, thanks and I will try antidepressents. I hope your new job goes well. It must be so hard to leave after 10 years. I really don't want to leave my company, I'm going to try to move internally, but I know it will take time. This OM was such a good friend and I truly miss his friendship as well.<P>Holly had asked if I was still hoping this OM would change his mind and yes I am. I've done everything but get down on my knees and he still says he can't leave now. I feel I have no pride left. <P>He keeps telling me if counseling doesn't work for him, or she doesn't change certain things, he will leave and let me know.<P>I know it's wrong for me to hope it doesn't work at home for him but I feel my soul is still with him.<P>Holly, I read "more married than happy", that's exactly how I feel. I am still very young and I think maybe there's someone else out there where everything wouldn't be such a struggle.

Hummingbird --<P>I was very good friends with my OW too. I wish now that I never fell in love with her so that we could still be friends. Now I've lost a dear friend forever. Sometimes I think that's the worst part.<P>Something you said at the end of your last response prompted me to write again. You said "I am still very young and I think maybe there's someone else out there where everything wouldn't be such a struggle." --- Hummingbird, you'll never find someone where it won't be a struggle. If you got together with the OM, it would be a struggle with him as well. Even if you somehow someday eventually end up with this person, you have to realize that it will be just as much a struggle as you perceived it to be with you husband. You have to at least open your eyes up to that.<P>I'm not trying to be harsh. I realize that same thing about my OW. If we did get together, it might be nice for awhile but after the newness wears off, you're in exactly the same place as you are now. There's no such thing as a "perfect match". Unfortunately for me, that realization doesn't help me much. I still feel pain and I still miss OW...<P>BTW, have you read all the material on this website? It'll give you some insights as well.<P>--andy

Hummingbird--<BR>My OM said basically the same thing about counseling with his wife. To me it sounded like he was going to attend counseling because he had to and then he would leave her. <P>Damn, it's hard to move on after hearing something like that. Your OM is not intentially trying to hurt you and he may believe that he would leave his wife for you, but by saying these things to you he is not allowing you go move forward.<P>My OM often said give it time...that was very difficult to hear. The thing that has helped me the most is to look internally, look inside yourself to make YOU happy. <P>At first I did a lot of reading about infidelity ("Surviving an Affair" is an excellent book), then a lot of reading about repairing a marriage and bring the spark back. I found the books that have helped me the most were books about loving yourself ("Something More" is also an excellent one).<P>Honestly, you have to get away from him in order to get over this. You need to transfer to another department...it's the only way. Don't hate yourself for feeling this way. You will probably have a couple months of shear misery. <P>I really suggest some antidepresants. I didn't take them, but I did take St. John's Wort religiously. I don't know if it worked, but I felt like I was doing something to control my depression.<P>What kind of problems are you having with your husband? You say it's a struggle. You also say you're young. How old are you? Do you have children? How long have you been married?<P>I'm 27 and my H is 34. We've been married for only 2 years.<P>

Oh hummingbird... your post makes me want to cry! And I have been EXACTLY where you are - EXACTLY! I work with the OM, and I can hear his laughter, his voice, feel his energy... and withdrawl was hell on earth for me and for my H. My H and I did the counseling thing, and he has refused to return. My H is very jealous, and even stalked me at work for a month. My H hates the OM and has threatened to kill him. I HEAR YOU!!<P>But here's what I have to say to you: your marriage can survive this. The love you felt for the OM wasn't real. I know, you don't beleive it now, but it's true. The OM said what you wanted to hear, and you wouldn't have beleived him if he hadn't said what you wanted to hear. Affairs are fantasy, marriage is real life. I speak from experience... HONESTLY. I'm still in withdrawl, but only the littlest bit. Nowadays, I think of my H first, before the OM. I see the OM for what he is, which is a man with problems, a man with a woman of his own (who ISN'T ME), a man who goes to the bathroom, puts his socks on one at a time, a man who said he loved me, but in reality used me for his own selfish purposes, a man who needs to get his head on straight before he ruins his life. One thing is for sure: he won't ruin mine.<P>Trust me, it will get easier with time. Don't hate yourself, don't beat yourself up. You are NOT a loser, you are a WINNER!! You can do this!! <p>[This message has been edited by new_beginning (edited September 02, 1999).]

Andy & Holly,<P>I've also wished so many times nothing ever happened and we just remained friends! Now I have nothing with this OM.<P>I do tend to live in a "fantasy" world. I do believe everything would be so beautiful, so perfect with OM. I know it wouldn't be, but it hard to find faults in the OM. I have to get over him being so "perfect", my soul mate, my true love.<P>Holly, it does make it so hard to let go when I hear these things from the OM, he still sends me emails asking how I'm doing, I catch him looking at me, I know he's not trying to be intentially hard on me. He also said to me that he stills want to be casual friends and would like to know what's going on in my life. As he put it "always keep a radar on me".<P>I'm 30 years old my H is 34. I've been married for 8 years and I've known my husband since I was 17. He was my first "real" boyfriend. He's always been very jealous, possessive, but gotten better over the years, especially after we married. He is also very insecure about the men I work with. His temper can be explosive at times, he throws things and swears alot, he had a terrible childhood, father was an alcoholic, mother cheated on his father, I know it stems from this. He holds his feelings inside, didn't talk to me or was very affectionate.<P>Over the years, I feel like we're growing apart, wanting different things in life. We argue alot over money as well. Before the affair started, 2 years ago, I had started getting feelings about wanting children. He kept telling me he wasn't sure he ever wanted them. He wants to travel, enjoy life and buy toys for himself. I feel this along other problems left the door open to having an affair.<P>Although the affair has given me strength to stand up to my husband. I've also told him if he doesn't want children to let me know because I would leave. He says "he'll have them for me, because he doesn't want to lose me over it". He says he feels there's nothing missing in his life, but it doesn't mean he wouldn't love them. I am torn about this.

This may sound odd, but here's something else I've learned:<P>Now that the affair is over and the withdrawl is lessening, I am realizing the real-live problems in my marriage that have NOTHING TO DO WITH THE AFFAIR. Maybe we'll make it, and maybe we will (I'm rooting for making it!). And if we don't make it, the affair won't be the reason. <P>Hummingbird, focus on ending the affair completely. Next, tackle the problems in your marriage. Maybe the marriage won't make it (this is something I'm quesitoning in my life now) but you can't begin to see the truth of it when you are still crumbling over the OM. One thing the OM and I said over and over was "whatever's meant to be will be", and we were talking about "us" being together in the end. I hung onto that for weeks - that is, until I realized how stupid it was to hang onto something that wasn't mine to begin with. <P>Once you get that OM out of your heart and soul, you can begin to see your marriage for what it really is. The concerns you mention about having children are real, and they matter! This may be a marriage-breaker for you. This is a real issue. But you can't begin to deal with the real issues when the OM is there. I KNOW!<P>

To all of you in withdrawal,<P>I haven't posted in awhile, but I do look in on occasion. I have some suggestions for getting through withdrawal. I had an affair that lasted 6 years and for 3 of those years I lived with the ow. When it ended (as they all do)the withdrawal I went through was/is the worst crisis of my life. It's not over yet, but at least I can get out of bed each day now. I know how bad it is - you can't eat, can't sleep or sleep too much. You feel like their is not hope, no future only despair and sorrow. You just cry until there are no tears left, and you can't bear to think about your op being with someone else. Well here are my suggestions. They helped me.<P>1. Tell yourself that the affair is over. You and the op are not going to live happily ever after. Kill all hope of getting back together and make sure you believe it.<P>2. Avoid any and all contact with the op. If there is any contact withdrawal starts all over again. That's not just a theory. Every time I made contact the withdrawal was worse. If you work together you have to make some arrangement to avoid any contact even if it means quitting. It's that important - unless you like feeling the way you do.<P>3. Get some type of anti-depressant. I didn't like taking drugs for any extended period of time, but in this case you need them.<P>4. Go to counseling with your husband. I recommend Dr. Harley because he has proven methods and procedures. Not just an idle hour of chat like some counselors do.<P>5. This one might seem strange, but a phycologist told me to do it and it does seem to work. For one full week whenever a thought of the op comes into your mind say to your self, "My husband/wife is the only man/women I love", and "My husband/wife is the only man/women I think about". I was saying it constantly all day long. In any event say it a minimum of 10 times/day for one week. Then at least 5 times/day for the next 2 weeks. The idea is to get any thoughts of the op out of your mind and reinforce the love of your spouse. <P>6. Exchange emotional needs with your spouse. Make sure you know each others needs and then develop a plan to fill them. This is difficult because you are not in love with your spouse (I know - I'm there with you, but believe me it will start to come back). Then spend as much time with your spouse as you can. Do things together, plan things together, but make sure you don't love bust.<P>7. If you still find yourself thinking about the op find as much fault with that person as you can and use that to make yourself realize that it wouldn't have lasted had you gotten married.<P>8. The most important one is pray every day. Pray to ask forgivness for what you have done and for help in getting through this most difficult crisis.<P>I haven't had any contact in over a month now, and I still love my ow, but the withdrawal is much better than it was. Believe me it does get better, but you have to help yourself. Fill the void with your spouse not your lover and your life will slowly return to you. Good luck to you all and may God bless you.

It sounds like your husband has had some problems in the past...but, it also sounds like he really loves you. I think the fact that he is willing to have children so he won't lose you means alot. I know it probably doesn't mean much to you, because you'd probably like him to want children just as much as you do.<P>It sounds like he would do anything he could to keep you...am I right? That's extremely positive. I had a difficult time because my husband didn't seem to care if I stayed or left.<P>The OM has to stop emailing you. It's not fair that he continues to have contact with you...he is getting the best of both worlds. He has to realize that there is no way to be casual friends...it hurts you too much!<P>Are you going to tell your husband about the affair?

Yes, I feel my husband really loves me, I know he would do anything for me. But I do want him to want children as much as me. My friend told me "you never know your life was missing something until you have it and then you wonder how you ever lived without it." She feels he is scared about our lives changing with children. I fear all our problems will be enhanced and then I'll find myself with a child and divorced. <P>He is trying with communication, lots of compliments, being affectionate and trying to catch himself when he feels he's losing his temper. Just because we have no blowups in a week, he thinks our marriage is fine. He already called twice today asking "are you sure we need counseling, we can work it out". I still feel he's acting and it won't last. I've described my husband as "Jykle & Hyde". <P>The OM has no temper, is patient, calm, kind and gentle. And the chemistry between us, I've never felt with my husband. <P>I'm really afraid about telling him for a couple of reasons, first his temper and secondly he might leave me (I know selfish on my part).

Lokk at my folder, Marriage and the workplace. You working with the person is going to cause problems. Take it from me, FIND ANOTHER JOB. Get away from the OP, ASAP.

Hummingbird--<P>It really sounds like you are on the right track already...identifying what you're husband is trying to do to make you happy.<P>For him, it sounds that he is happy as long as you're not fighting. That's the same way my husband feels...he's pretty content with the status quo and finds it difficult to provide me with my emotional needs when he doesn't feel anything is missing.<P>I don't know what you should do about telling your husband about the affair. Maybe you could tell him that you're on the verge of an affair and that you need him to help you out of it. I know honesty is probably the best policy however. When I told my husband I gave him hints here and there...so he could ease into the hurt instead of receiving it full blown.<P>If you do tell your husband be prepared to hear hurtful things. My husband told me I was a whore, slut, immature, stupid, etc.<P>

Thanks, I'll have to give it alot of thought. I'll see how tonight goes with counseling.<P>I just caught the OM staring at me, I got chills all over my body and felt my heart ache.<P>God, I love him so much and miss him terribly. He's on vacation next week, hopefully the break from him will help.

Hummingbird--<BR>By the way...my sister and her ex-husband were having problems in their marriage so they decided to go to counseling. They went to counseling for about 8 months and nothing seemed to get resolved. <P>Well, she found out after the 8 months of counseling that her husband had been having an affair all along. They ended up getting a divorce. <P>So, even though you think your husband will be angry with you for lying he might be more angry with you for keeping it from him.

Hummingbird, you may have to get yourself another job. Yeah, it's going to hurt, but since you're that intensely involved, the continued contact is horrendous for you. If you are in Information Systems, put your resume up on www.dice.com. Your phone will ring off the hook. I promise.<P>As far as your H not really wanting children but being "willing to have them for you." Ouch. Did you discuss this before you married? It always astonishes me how many people get married without working this out. A long time ago, I had a computer date with a guy who turned out to be 6'5". I am 4"10" and it would have been ridiculous. But we had a nice couple of drinks, and he gave me a very good piece advice about a fellow I'd just broken off with because he wouldn't commit: "When a man says he doesn't want to get married, believe him. Don't try to second-guess him." I think the same thing applies to children. When a man says he doesn't want children, believe him. Don't assume that "When he sees the baby, he'll love it." <P>My H dislikes children. He can't deal with them. I knew this. I didn't want children either, so we've been fine. I have revisited the issue over the years, because he doesn't communicate and I wanted to give us both the option to reconsider if we both wanted to. We haven't.<P>Becaue your H is "on the fence", and not actively vocalizing that he doesn't want children, it's kind of a gray area. But know this: I have known three couples where the wife wanted a baby and the husband didn't; and the wife went off contraception and got pregnant anyway. In two of the three marriages, the husband left while the child was still an infant; in the third, he stayed around till the child was 6, and when the child was diagnosed as hyperactive/ADD/aggressive, he split too.<P>It's NOT a good bet.<P>Try to get a good handle on his real feelings, independent of the OM, then decide.

I got married at 22 and children were discussed but very briefly. My thoughts were different then, I was very into myself, going out and having fun. He would always make off comments about children, like how much work they are, no time for yourself, no money, etc. Maybe I just didn't want to believe he actually never wanted children, he just needed time to mature and as he got older he's feeling would change. It was about 2 years when I guess, "my clock started ticking", that I seriously approached him about it. <P>My heart has to know he really wants them or I won't have peace. I would never force that on him or have a "mistake".

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