Well I have been so blinded by what my wife was saying was a reason for her willing to leave me. This I care and love you but aren't in love you with..well after somebody said she is having an affair on here. Well I did some digging around. I read up on the two types of affairs, physical and emotional. Well after obtaining some information she thought I couldn't get I found out that she has been talking with somebody every day that she works with. I am saying she talks to him at work and when she is away from work. She did her best of clearing her phone log and all of that. Good thing I contacted the cell company for the itemized phone calls. Her cell number listings showed she called this guy every day.
Now what do I do in all of this? If I wouldn't of did the digging I am not sure she would of ever told me. Now that she knew I found about what she has been doing she came out about it. It was a very strong emotional affair with some physical in there as well. The guy was feeding her what she wanted to hear.
Now I know she is to blame but it takes two to tango. This other guy is not married and he crossed a big boundry. So what do I do? Do I hunt this guy down and talk face to face? I believe I need to show both of them that I am serious about this. This is my life that my wife and he screwed up. She sort of protects him when I say I am going to find out where he lives. So everyone, what do I do? I personally believe I need to find enough information on this guy so if I ever choose to do that I can go and find his [censored]. I have his cell number and I did call the guy. He denied a lot and blamed a lot on my wife. So I am seeking some advice because I personally feel somebody has to pay..
Also my wife's friends knew about this and they didn't tell me anything. They knew for several weeks. They were protecting her. What do I do with her friends? They were willing to keep this a secret to protect my wife but at the same time they were letting our marriage go down the drain.
Help.....

I'm sorry but not surprised to hear this latest development. To answer the question in your subject line: Of course you don't kill the [censored]. <p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by confused_guy:
Do I hunt this guy down and talk face to face? I believe I need to show both of them that I am serious about this. <hr></blockquote><p>You're going to hear conflicting answers on this. Mine is forget about him; you don't need to show him anything- you need to show your wife that you are serious about your marriage. Keep reading; Surviving an affair is one highly recommended book to help you.<p>If your marriage is repairable, and you want to repair it, two steps in the process will be her promising never to have any contact with him, ever, and your promising to change the behaviors that made the affair possible. Don't take all the blame- she made bad choices too. But it's not as if your lives were perfect and she was completely happy one day, and then this guy appeared and everything changed. You have to take your share of responsibility for creating the marital situation in which an affair was possible.<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Also my wife's friends knew about this and they didn't tell me anything. They knew for several weeks. They were protecting her. What do I do with her friends? They were willing to keep this a secret to protect my wife but at the same time they were letting our marriage go down the drain.<hr></blockquote><p>This is tough, but typical- in this culture now, we're defining "friend" as "someone who always tells you you're doing the right thing." So it's very rare that your spouse has a friend who says "what you're doing is stupid and destructive, and if you don't stop it, I'm going to let the cat out of the bag." If a friend of hers said that, that friend would pretty quickly be pushed out of the loop.<p>I think by worrying about her friends right now, you're getting way ahead of yourself. If your marriage collapses in a heap, you won't have to worry about her friends ever again. Concentrate on your marriage- do you want it to continue? What are you going to do to make it continue?

Confused Guy<p>Be careful. I am a BS and I know exactly how you are feeling. Discovery and the following few months are times of complete emotional upheval and dissaray. Remember, emotions do not dicatate your actions. First, do you love your wife? Do you want to save your marriage? If you go after the OM you will probably just end up making a larger mess than you already are facing. I have no real advice except pray, pray and pray some more. If you know God, then lean on Him every second of every day. Do not take matters into your own hands. I know that this feels good to your spirit, but you may only end up hurting yourself worse than the current situation. Read the section on this site about infidelity and Plan A. These will help you understand where your wife and you are emotionally. Amazingly, many of the situations are almost text book examples of the same stuff. Such as the "I love you but I am not in love with you" line. <p>The good news is that your marriage can survive. Love, trust, honor, friendship, hapiness, and on and on can return. My d-day was 2-10-01. My wife said things that I could not even fathom. The pain was worse than any I had ever experienced. However, we are in recovery. My marriage is better now than before the affair. I know that sounds impossible, but it is true. <p>I only write this to let you know that you will survive and things can work out. God will provide, just trust in Him. <p>The truth of my marriage is that I failed her just as she failed me. Maybe not in a PA, but in other ways. The ultimate goal is not revenge but healing. Do you want war or do you want a wife? Talking to the OM in a non-violent way and requesting that he back away from your wife is not unreasonable. Using leverage if you have to is also not unreasonable. However, ruining your life to feel better is totally out of the question. <p>I am praying that God will shine the light of understanding in your heart as you seek to follow Him. <p>Guardian<p>Psalm 61<p>About your wife's friends; she is going to need them now more than ever. If you tear them down you will only drive a deeper wedge between you and your wife. I know, I know, I know, it feels like you are doing all the giving.... and at first that is true, but let me assure you that this is worthy of your efforts and self control.

well if you consider your wife your property by all means go "visit" the om. Otherwise she is a free adult citizen of (america?) and can "talk" or whatever with whoever she pleases, makes no difference what you think (of course you have the same rights). Unless you have traveled by time machine from some ancient past, you have no issues with the om. Having said all that, if you feel the om is a predator, and is stalking your wife, I would tend to go with do what you think is necessary to protect her. There is a fine line between protecting your wife as a person, and protecting her as your property, make sure you don't cross it, or you will make everything worse. And quit talking about your life, this is not about you, it is about her and her choices. That is the chance you take when you marry someone....that they might disappoint you. Good luck, you have been given some good advice here, follow it.

confused_guy,<p>Of course you don't kill him. It's not worth it.<p>And before you take any advice from Sad_and_lonely, I would like to tell you that as far as I remember, HE is having an affair with somebody too. I don't know if she's married, but if she is, his posting is a little self-serving. He's not in a place to give you any objective advice about marriage. (IMHO) If I'm wrong, S&L, please correct me, and accept my appologies.<p>-AD

abanDad, you are correct, I am a ws, are you saying I my advice is any less informed re human behaviour than a bs? I would give the same advice regardless of my status, when anyone starts talking about going after someone we are back to humans are property and a marriage license is a bill of sale. No one has any right whatsoever to think they can dictate who another human being associates with, and marriage has nothing to do with this. Frankly I would be horrified if my spouse actually tried to hurt the op, and you can rest assured that would end any interest whatsoever I have in remaining their spouse. Not only would it reveal I am married to a lunatic, but it would make it clear I am only property.

Okay... there is some truth to this statement made by S-n-L... <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>There is a fine line between protecting your wife as a person, and protecting her as your property, make sure you don't cross it, or you will make everything worse. And quit talking about your life, this is not about you, it is about her and her choices. That is the chance you take when you marry someone....that they might disappoint you. <hr></blockquote> What I'm hearing you say confused guy is that YOU feel violated (which is completely accurate). What would you stand to GAIN by confronting the other guy?<p>My suggestion is like everyone else's... please read up on Plan A - especially the part about meeting your wife's emotional needs AND even more importantly about STOPPING any love busting behavior. <p>You need to exercise some self-control here and work on yourself for a bit. Yeah, it sounds like salt in the wound... that you want someone ELSE to lick your wounds, not dress it yourself. But, I'm telling you, you're in for a long-haul here... you have a chance. You cannot FORCE anyone to do anything and if you do, the results will be less than desireable or satisfying.<p>So, take a deep breath... VENT here if you need to, that's what we're here for... just don't ruin your life in the effort to bring about justice. Whoever said life was fair? It's not... your choice is HOW will you deal with this crisis? In a way that your spouse will DESIRE to be with you or be completely ALIENATED from you.<p>I know you're in pain and I feel for you... I know the feeling of discovering your spouse having an EA with someone from work... it's devastating. BUT, please examine this a bit before you ACT!<p>There are MANY of us here... waiting to help you work this thru... just don't take it out on anyone there. BE smart... BE wise... BE discerning...

I talked with my H lover, she told me she was married & her H knew about them talking & seeing ea other at their jobs he didnt mind, found out 5 months later she was kicking H out & wanting to marry my H. H was home telling me that he wanted to make our marriage work, he was only waiting for her to kick her husband out & get started on D, both H & OW could care less what me & my son was going thur they only think about themselves, if I had to do it all over again I should have kicked him out day , I feel like he took another 3 months of my life away from me.
M-17yrs
c-12yr old son, son 28, granddaughter 6
d-d april 28,2001
d- filed sept 2001 (takes 6 months here)
Im 47yrs old, H-42, OW-28

First off, I would also caution against taking advice from SNL. Not because he is a WS, but because he is likely to support your W's actions. He believes (correct me if I'm wrong, SNL) that affairs are perfectly normal, acceptable, and healthy human behavior, and that marriage vows mean absolutely nothing. <p>
I would advise against contacting the OM. It will gain you nothing whatsoever at this point. As others have advised, continue to work on yourself and your relationship with your wife.<p>I know you're angry, and you have every right to be angry! When one spouse violates the covenant of marriage, it causes untold pain to the other spouse, no matter what the WS's intentions. Yet taking your anger out on the OM will only strengthen their relationship. If you do anything to attack him, it will forge them together as a sort of "team." <p>They will see you as a threat to their continued happiness (I know, this sounds crazy, but that's part of the Fog), and they will fight to stay together, even if they never would have lasted otherwise. In confronting the OM, you are only prolonging their affair.<p>The good news is that affairs are based on lies and deception, and therefore almost always fail, no matter how "perfect" they may seem at first. What you need to do is read up on Plan A, and get ready to "ride the storm out," so to speak.<p>As for her friends, DO NOT intentionally alienate them. If you confront them, you will seem like the "bad guy" for interfering with your W's happiness...I know, more insanity! Consider this: They helped hide her affair from you, so you know right up front that they are on her "side," and are perfectly willing to lie to you. So you have to tread very lightly with them. If you've been friendly with them up until this point, keep it up as best as you can, and try to be the "good guy" around them...but be careful! You already know they don't care what happens to you.<p>You said "I am seeking some advice because I personally feel somebody has to pay..."<p>You can't think of it in those terms. I had the same thoughts about OM when my XW was involved with him. I blamed him for everything, wanted to "go after" him, etc. It wasn't until much, much later that I found out that she pursued him, and that much of my anger was misplaced. <p>If you're looking for revenge or justice, you may be waiting a long, long time...

<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by sad_n_lonely:
<strong>abanDad, you are correct, I am a ws, are you saying I my advice is any less informed re human behaviour than a bs?</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Oh no, SNL, that would be a disrespectful judgment. <p>I am not qualified to comment on your knowledge of human nature. But, it is not only a question of being well informed about human nature, but also being in a position to give an objective opinion. <p>Jurors, for example, on a drug case are routinely asked if they use drugs or have had any problems with drug users or conflict with the police related to drugs. If they answer yes, they are excused from the jury. It is not because they are less informed. Indeed, they would be more informed about the issues, but they would be less objective. I wrote as I did to confused_guy only so that he might consider your objectivity, not your knowledge.<p>-AD

*smile* I had to chuckle AD<p>Abandoned dad...But, it is not only a question of being well informed about human nature, but also being in a position to give an objective opinion.<p>
snl...If being objective (meaning not personally involved in marital crisis) is the criteria for posting opinions here, we all have to go home methinks.<p>Heck, I ASSUME every opinion I read is biased, but that there still may be some usefull feedback in it anyways...ya know?

SnL<p>You Wrote:<p>"well if you consider your wife your property by all means go "visit" the om. Otherwise she is a free adult citizen of (america?) and can "talk" or whatever with whoever she pleases, makes no difference what you think (of course you have the same rights). Unless you have traveled by time machine from some ancient past, you have no issues with the om." <p>I, for one, do not know the circustances of Confused Guy's situation nor do I claim to understand all the dynamics involved in an EA\PA. However, there is no excuse for an A. Wrong is wrong and you cannot cover up wrong by hollering about your rights and freedoms. I have a real problem with this "me" mentality and if I were to guess, I would say that you are still deeply in the fog. Whether you agree or not, sex outside of marriage is wrong. I know we are all human and all do things that are wrong. But this in and of itself does not excuse anyone of their own actions. A's tear apart families and friends. The pain is unbelievable. Children, who have done nothing to meet or not meet anyones EN's are usually hurt the worst. In other words, the kids are innocent. Where is their rights? Isn't this America for them also? So if you want to talk about rights. I would rather talk about honesty, character, chidrens lives, family well-being, etc.... How about if you are finished with your family, then be a man and leave. Don't play the middle. I have absolutely no respect for wishy-washy actions. I am afraid that if I were your wife, I would use whatever leverage was available to me to help you make up your mind. <p>God can and will forgive. He wants you to run into his arms and give yourself totally to Him. It is a complete paradigm shift. Realize that this life is not yours, it belongs to God. "Whosoever will lose his life for my sake shall gain it" If God is, then let him have your life completely. There is peace and joy in that that you will never find in this life on your own, ever!<p>Guardian<p>Psalm 61

guardian, I was not addressing right or wrong about affairs....I was adressing the right to go assault the om. I also noted we are all free to do whatever we want, and trying to prevent free choice through intimidation or violence says alot more about the individual doing it, then the rightness or wrongness of affairs. Anyone can find an excuse to interfere in someone elses choice, that still does not make the interfence right or justified. If he cannot deal with his wifes choice, he as only one option, divorce her, he has no issue with her (or om) exercising their freewill as humans, no matter who feels (or is)hurt by their actions. This may be a bitter pill to swallow, but there it is. The alternative is to regress back to societal rules that allow violence as a legitimate problem resolution mechanism....would you want that?

May I respectfully suggest that those who wish to discuss SNL's ability to give advice on this topic start another thread now to carry on their discussion? It's interesting, but I don't know how much it's helping confused_guy at this point.

First to MBers,<p>Sheesh!!! A suggestion you guys are taking over confused guy's thread by arguing one person's intentions. A suggestion would be just to say this instead of directly arguing with another person
is to say something like the following...<p>Confused guy, as a new member to MB, a small piece of advice, please know you will get several different opinions here, some as I am sure you will or may already have noticed, won't be the best advice. Please only use the advice which will help you grow as a person and disgard the advice you feel have hidden agendas or may not be helpful. Also, as you read on here, you will learn who the people are who usually give solid advice you can use. However, this is an individual choice on how see which advice you take and which you don't take.<p>Thanks for listening,<p>ANNA<p>Confused guy,<p>First, I'm sorry for the pain you must be going through I know this must be hard. <p>Of course your emotions are running wild but you know violence is not the answer.<p>Now you have to figure out what the answer is. Do you want your wife and you to have a happy marriage, or since she is having an affair do you want to move on without her.<p>You do not have to make this decision today, instead look at all the information on MB. I don't know if you have read any of the articles but I would suggest you start with these.<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8113_ab.html<p>http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5520_qa.html<p>Also, on her friends. I don't know her friends intentions but often people want to stay out of marital problems. I think sometimes friends end up being pulled in the middle when they get involved, then the couple ends up working it out and somehow the friend who told the other spouse to begin with ends up being the person they both hate. So I do understand where the friends were coming from. Also, you have to know this was not their responsibility, not the om's responsibility but your wife's to be honest with you.<p>Again, I see two decisions you have to make. One work on mending a broken marriage or two move on and get a divorce. I think this answer needs time to sort out though. Don't get hasty and do something you will regret later.<p>Take care,<p>ANNA<p>[ November 09, 2001: Message edited by: Anna2000 ]</p>