Roll Me Away:Today was a very hard day.I am going through some serious grieving.I cried a couple of times.I had to call my best friend a couple of times,and he tries to calm me down.A couple of weeks ago my marriage counselor put me on medication,but it was of little help to me today.Yes,I am trying to convince myself to put my focus on my son,but I think I am fooling myself.You made an important point about lack of caring by my W.That's what hurts even worst.She is walking around the house with a kinda arrogant attitude.She is talking to all her buddies about her new apartment.I have been putting a lot of thought into what I am going to say to her on Sunday(her last day here).

Continuance:I want to implement plan B,but it may be difficult because of visitation issues.I am meeting with my marriage counselor on Thursday, and she will help me figure out what I need to say to W.I want my W to know that I am open to reconciliation but her male friend has to go. Since she is moving just 20 minutes away,she thinks that she is going to be able to come and go from the house at will.That's a no no.We will have to set up a schedule.I am hoping to have my son's grandparents act as betweens if possible.

What makes me so nervous about the future is that W has all the cards in her court.She has to make the DECISION;that puts me in a helpless situation.
The concensus among my close friends is that once my attorney sends my wife the interrogotory plus the having my wife's buddie deposed under oath. My wife's world will get turned upside.Some figure that after this occurs,she will come to her senses and attempt to move back in, but as you have said,she cannot be manipulated.For some reason,I cannot see beyond her.I am letting her stand between me and sunlight.I cannot see an end to my misery.

Continuance:Yesterday was very hard on me to the point of considering doing damage to myself.I am trying to stay calm and take life one second at a time.My son helps a lot.As my friend said,what bothers me is that all my hopes for my marriage have gone down the drain because by my wife moving out, reality has smack me directly in the face.I cannot escape the reality which hurts.You have been very helpful to me Roll Me Away; God Bless You.

Petvet,<p>I don't get to the computer as much as I'd like (started a new job), so I am just able to get to your last 4 messages last night.<p>First thing: The desire to do harm to yourself must GO! Your W does NOT have the best interests of your son in the uppermost part of her mind - she is off sorting her feelings and trying to find her happiness. That means that YOU must be the stable parent in your son's life, whether he is living with you or not. You MUST take care of yourself so that you can ensure the best for your son. If you don't want to stick around for yourself, then do it right now solely for love of your son. HE NEEDS AND LOVES YOU!<p>Look, alot of your feelings are being driven by your FEARS. Fear of rejection, fear of being unworthy and fear of being alone. I can speak frankly to you, because I have been there. All of us have. You need to recognize your fears, because only then can you face them.<p>It is 100% natural and normal for you to be torn apart by your W's affair and especially her moving out. This means that the family you have come to know and love is in more jeopardy than ever. I can definitely understand how you can not see beyond your W. That is just a manifestation of how deep your love for her is. You are willing to forgive and willing to work hard to repair your relationship with her. That comes across loud and clear.<p>Yet, despite all that, you can't control it, Petvet. Right now, you have no choices, because your love is keeping you fighting for your marriage. Even if you psychologically choose to withdraw, your heart will tug you back because you still love her. That does put her in the driver's seat right now. If you want the chance to restore your marriage, you have to stay in the game, Petvet.<p>You know, Plan B is not your only choice right now. I don't know how long your Plan A has been. Also, do you think you did a good enough Plan A, by HER judgement? You do have the option of leaving her alone and Plan A whenever you guys do have contact for your son.<p>I will say this. It is imperative for you to set boundaries about her coming and going to your house, though. She choose to leave. That means that she gives up certain rights about the house. You need to establish boundaries and discuss them with her and then stick to them. <p>OK, enough of that. Stick to your survival plan again today, OK? My candle is going again. You can make it through today, too, Petvet. Just follow the plan. Don't worry if you break down and cry again. It is natural due to these difficult circumstances. <p>15 minutes at a time - no thinking about the marriage, your W, your problems or your unhappiness. 15 minutes......15 minutes at a time.<p>Let me know how you are doing. I will check in this afternoon.<p>Take care, Desiree

Roll Me Away: Today was a lot better than yesterday.Maybe that's because my concentration was on the audit my office is going through.Auditors can be pesty creatures you know.As my thoughts began to creep back on my situation,I started getting down again.Most of my thoughts was on how I am going to deal with this woman after Sunday.I really don't want to deal with her,but we have a son together.I am trying to prepare what I am going to say on Sunday to my W.I may not be able to avoid her after Sunday.She thinks that she will be able to come over everynight to take care of our son.NO WAY!She made the choice to leave.We will arrange a visitation schedule for her.

I tried Plan A,but I don't remember how long I did it.She would not leave the OP alone and it kept affecting our marriage.She would wrire me letters saying that she could not be faithful to me as long as OP was around.The OP is a co-worker.She would let me kiss her or anything.She would not go to counseling.Once I discovered that she lied to me about seeing OP again,I tried implementing Plan B,but she would not leave house,so I filed for divorce.The only reason she is moving out because she thinks I am spying on her,and she knows that I am on to her activities.

By moving to an apartment,she can do whatever she wants without notice.Now I can do some form of Plan B,but it will be difficult with a child between us.I am going to have a serious talk with her on Sunday and lay down the law to her.She definitely will not be able to see son everyday.You are correct when you say I still love her,but you know she really don't deserve my love.It's clear that she is a problem with a lot of baggage.My friend today said to me,"Are you sure you want that thing back".That's a good question.You know I may be better off fortifying my ship and making it into a nice cruiseliner for her and the world to see rather than letting my ship corrode into an old dilapidated war ship.

It's going to be interesting to see how I am doing this time next week after she moves out.She may get out of my system easier than I think.I may be underestimating myself.I may be stronger than I think.Why would I want a problem-person in my life with no morals?Let her be someelse's problem.She may not be as valuable as I think.I have some value too.Having morals does count for something.Roll Me Away,I made the entire day without crying and the thought of killing myself.It is Thursday morning 12:29am. Three more days.I meet my counselor later this morning.Thanks

Hi Petvet, You will get there. I was devestated when my H moved out Sept. 15, one day after I realized he really was very likely , yes --- cheating on me... alot has happened since...things deteriorated btween us pretty badly about 6 wks before he left and from the cell phone bills, I know that is when OW came into picture... Now supposedly they are over and OW is back with OW's spouse! Yippie!! SO things are looking a bit better, we have yet to make a counseling appt. together- but went from my H insisting he would definitely divorce me, to me attacking the OW at a bar one night... I was drunk and had not eaten or slept for 2 weeks around the end of sept, begging oct... DO NOT GO BEZERK like that... I now have assault charges against me by OW and my H, ouch, and hopefully S will withdraw b/c I did not attack him just the OW, this is hard to deal with... I did not plan to go crzy and do this, I just did... It was based on a lot of craziness such as my H having my kids spend the night at ow's house 2 wks after he moved out, and also the two of them taking my two boys, age 3 and 9 to a bar while the two lovebirds drank beer and played darts, how sweet, anyway... this is not pretty- I am responsible and wanting a NORMAL marriage and nice family , bars, darts, drinking, OW's do not make me happy.l<p>NOR DID the abandonement... the REJECTION... I hated that word when my counselor brought up that I must be feeling very rejected... it can get better... because my situation is... <p>I think my spouse wanted to work things out... and does and the plan a stuff brings us closer... I do not have to be a doormat to plan a, I can be like Jesus and turn the other check when he "slaps" me and let him "slap" the other. We do not have to punish our WS< GOd will. We do not have to take revenge, GOd will. Do good for your spouse, pray for her, pray for the OP. I did, it was hard, but it made me feel better.. they are in deep doo doo with what they are doing aren't they... it is sooo wrong to you and your son.<p>Let them feel the wrong of what they do alll by themselves. MY H loves it when I LB. THe bar incident is a big excuse for him to tell everyone how nUTs I am and why he had to leave me... no it wasn't that he was having an A... was it??? When we LB is it so easy for them to place the blame on us... <p>I know my H and I had some issues that needed work, but nothing like NOW with the A... but there were issues... Plan aing would of helped prior to an A and after.... for your son's sake maybe more plan a only when you must comjunicate with your WS... protect yourself... take care of you. I know it is hard.<p>I basically at your point in this... I could not sleep, I went through major crying spells, could not eat, etc... having an A involved in marital difficulties makes it sooo unfair... they want to avoid their guilt , the ws, so they just act like you are sooo awful and they just have to get away from YOU. DO not worry your WS will feel the pain..<p>I would not press the divorce if you do not truly want it right now... tell the attorney to DRAG it, if you can... if I filed... which I have thought about to protect myself financially,I wanted to drag it... I am stilll considering, but afraid of pushing away the possiiblity of reconciliation.<p>you can email me... I will be glad to be your buddy through this... It gets better, it has been a little over 2 months and I am started to be more happy than sad... this board helps... take care of you, find support wherever you can... do something nice for yourself... buy yourself something you want, take your son out to a dinner with you only! You can have fun without her, I know it is hard at first, but you can...<p>I am still in this mess, and still on an emotional roller coaster.. but I am learning to take care of me.. since my S obviously wasn't ... and I need to anyway, with or without S.<p>Take care- Lisa [img]images/icons/wink.gif" border="0[/img]

Lisa, <p>I am glad you are doing so much better. You have a good attitude - you have to practice self-care throughout these things. No matter if we are happily married, each of us needs to be capable of living independently, because we never know what circumstances might force us to do so (besides separations and divorce, death or serious illness of our mates). You will do fine - just stay away from the bars, teehee. Sorry, I know you got in trouble for that.<p>Petvet, I am so happy that you had a better day. Doesn't matter if it was the auditors or not - you allowed yourself to be distracted by work, and that is great! It is normal! I am very proud of you. You are holding up well under the most dire of circumstances.<p>I don't know what you are planning to tell your W on Sunday. I do know this - if you need to purge yourself of something (something you just HAVE to say to her), then by all means do so. Just DON'T have any expectations from it. By this, I mean don't expect that you will tell her something that is going to change her mind and make her want to come home right away. You will be greatly disappointed if you expect anything you say right now to have much of an effect.<p>Here is another way to look at your circumstances. She IS gone. She is DEEP into the affair. Your W is determined to follow this path. You CAN NOT stop it, Petvet. You asked why would you even want this problem-prone person? Well, right now you still love her. And honestly, all people come with problems, because we are all imperfect. As long as you have love for your W, you should keep fighting for your marriage. But, the most effective way to fight at this point, is to LET GO. In effect, she IS already gone, so your acceptance of this is crucial. Let her be. Go back to Dobson. If she wants you, she will return. <p>I hope and pray that you two can reconcile. I pray for your son and his well-being. It is so hard to go through this. No one can understand unless they have been through it.<p>Right now, your W is not ready and open to hear anything you say, Petvet, so have no expectations on Sunday, OK? Hope your counselling session goes well. I always looked forward to my sessions each week. <p>Pulling for ya, Desiree

Honey:Thanks for your comments.Concerning the divorce,there is five or six months left before the divorve goes to trial,but if I see that things are changing in my marriage,I can either stop proceedings or delay.I would probably delay,but lets see what happens.I look forward to hearing from you.<p>Roll Me Away:Today was another decent day.I went to my counselor,and she gave me a good talking to.She called my W stupid,and that my W is 31 years old and acting like she is 16 years of age.The bottom line is that W will have to hit rock bottom before her eyes open.I cannot do anything for her now.She is on her own.If she wants to screw 10,000 guys,that's her business.It reflects on her morality not mine.

I hope that her and the OP have as many orgasms as humanly possible.I hope she parties 24-7 and live left to its excesses.I don't want to associate with anyone like that.There is nothing I can do for her.My counselor got upset with me that my wife asked me to help her move and I told her I would help.Counselor said that it's time to cut her lose now. Counselor said that she is still using me.I thought about what counselor said I called my wife and told her that I will use my trailer to help her move the bed, dresser, sofa,and TV in two trips and after that she is on her own. Since I had already told her that I would help, I wanted to keep my word.

Besides,I wanted to leave W with the thought that I helped her before she lefted.Don't worry Roll Me Away I am not going to get on my needs and cry and beg for her to come back on Sunday.I am writing a Plan B type letter in Dr. Harley's book;in essence,I am going to try to stay away from her as best I can(no speaking unless necessary/stay out of sight when she is around,etc.),but there is SON.It is going to be a juggling act.I will also lay down the visitation boundaries.She has told her parents that she intends to visit house every night to son.NO WAY IN HELL! She will follow a schedule only.

If she wants to visit everynight,I will tell her that if she wanted to visit that much she should have stayed home,but she WILL follow a schedule,period.I told her that I had something to speak to her about on Sunday.Since that time,she has been asking me what do I need to tell her.I told her that she will have to wait till Sunday.Besides,I am still working on letter.Let's see whether OP can shoulder the weight of my W.The feel of her weight is getting less and less and less.I think this is the feeling of slowly letting her go.It hurts some.

Petvet,<p>I think you are doing well considering. I am glad you are going to help your W move, to a point. It shows that you care about her, but you are also drawing boundaries, which are desperately needed in these kinds of situations. There is a fine line between feeling and acting caring and loving and feeling enabling and used. You need to monitor yourself and draw the line whenever YOU feel enough is enough.<p>Your counselor is right - your W will have to suffer whatever consequences come her way from her actions. You might want to think about this in regard to the talk with your W on Sunday - it is not punishment to disallow your W to come over every night. It is a CONSEQUENCE of HER choices and actions. I think it is important for you to state your position from this vantage point. If you don't, she will think you are trying to manipulate or punish her. Instead, you need to say that if you guys are separated, because she choose to leave, then this is no longer her home. Thus she loses the rights that go along with that. If, however, she is willing to come home, sever all contact with the OP, and agree to working toward true reconciliation, then she can avoid these consequences. I hope you can reach her on that level, and check your anger and hurt when you talk.<p>You are doing well. Keep up the efforts! Desiree

Yep!Roll Me Away.There are consequences for one's actions.She told me tonight that it may take her longer than Sunday to move out,and I told her that I was going to move the bed and three other things as plan.As long as the bed is in her apartment,she can sleep there.What upsets me now is the thought that this woman would leave her baby.You are right RMA this women must have already tasted the forbitten fruit and likes the taste.She is deeply involve in this mess.I had a decent day;no crying nor suicide thoughts.I guess reality has set in.It still hurts.

Petvet,<p> [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] Glad you are doing a bit better. Good luck this weekend, Desiree

RMA:Well,my son and I are alone now.Yesterday was very difficult for me and my son.I made two trips with my trailer to my wife's apartment to help her move;after those two trips, she was on her on.Last night,I met with her to lay down the rules.She thought she would be able to come and go from the house at will including washing her clothes.No Way!I gave her a Plan B letter and card.She thinks I am trying to be ugly.You want to hear something funny:Saturday night after telling her that I would only make 2 trips to move her,she said you are suppose to be my husband.Is not that ironic?She has never respected me as her husband in 3 1/2 years but only when it's to her benefit.Since she is not here,I feel a little better.It's my son who I am worried about.Has your ex been hit with the consequences of his actions?

Petvet,<p>You and your son were in my prayers this weekend. I can empathize with how sad and lonely you feel when your WS moves out. <p>Your W's words were definitely ironic. Good sign though - she still is thinking of you as her H. I know this is hard, Petvet, but you can absolutely be driven half nuts with all the conflicting things your W is gonna say to you in the weeks and perhaps months to come. She will tell you or say to others some of the most contradicting things you can ever hear. It is part and parcel of the true angst she is really feeling inside. Expect more of the same kind of talk and double-barreled actions, too. <p>Sounds like you did well in your actions and words this weekend. Of course she will resent the consequences. We would all like to have our cake and eat it, too. You are now, and will continue to be for some time, the recipient of her frustrations and actions. Well, as much as I accept that her angst is real, and I do, I do not believe that it is your responsibility to shelter her from the consequences of her choices and actions. The consequences are not your fault, they belong to her.<p>My situation is much further down the line than yours, Petvet. I have been D for almost 2 years now, and my exH married the OW a couple months after our D. I have not spoken to or laid eyes on him in two years but once, at a party we all attended, one and a half years ago. Has he suffered any consquences? From his perspective - I do not know. From my perspective and the perspective of many of our friends and family, he lost an awful lot. Time alone will bear the truth of their relationship. Truly, my world no longer revolves around worrying about it.<p>You are going to make it, Petvet. You can defintely count these as some of the darkest days you will ever have to face, but despite that, you WILL make it. Everyone here is ready to support you and you are doing the things you need to, including counselling and the anti-depressants.<p>God will give you the strength, courage and fortitude you need to go on.<p>Take care, Desiree