RMA,you may want to sit down for this one.Yesterday,I asked my wife whether I could come over to her apartment.She said yes.Once I arrived and some small talk,I asked her whether she would be willing to talk to Steve Harley,she said yes.I nearly passed out with shock.Okay,one for two.Then I asked her whether she would accept my invitation to attend a concert by one of her favorite groups with me New Year's Eve and she said yes.I sat there with my mouth open,two for two.I could not believe it.While I was with her and my son,she told me that she was going to come over to wash her clothes.I had to hold my mouth shut to avoid saying anything.Steve told me to be a doormat.In the short run,I guest I will have to use makeup to cover up all the shoe marks that will be reflected on my face from being a doormat.This is going to be interesting.See!That's why I told you to sit down.You may have fainted from this surprising news.

Good morning, Petvet - and this IS a good morning! I am not as surprised as you think. I have told you that I thought your situation was not as hopeless as you had thought. I am very, very happy for you and your family. Keep up the good work!<p>Most of all, your attitude has changed. Yu are doing a great job at checking your anger, and perhaps that is beginning to pay off for you. I do want to address your comments about being a "doormat". My opinion is that there is a fine line between being open and willing to reconcile and keeping your mouth shut to facilitate that as one position, and being an enabler and a doormat as a second position. Right now, I do not think you are in a doormat position at all. You are doing what you need to do to give your marriage the best chance for recovery. It is early in the process, and your W is confused and dealing with her own angst. I do not think it is unreasonable to do what you are doing. It is only later that I believe your position would flip and become an enabler and a doormat. Your W needs your understanding at this point, but with boundaries, too. Try to keep this uppermost in your mind. A change of attitude will change the relationship dynamics, for sure.<p>Be nice when she comes over to do the laundry. And, let me know how the date goes! When will you both talk to Steve next? That will help 1000%. I was never able to get my ex to talk to Steve at all. I am so proud for you. [img]images/icons/grin.gif" border="0[/img] <p>God bless you and your family. Desiree

RMA: Steve is going to talk to my wife separately from me.I think is trying to draw her in.He wants to talk to her about my lovebusters and why she is so unhappy?

Petvet,<p>You are doing fine. Look at your W's revealations as a GIFT. You will get to finhd out what behaviors you have that make you an undesirable mate. You might find out that you do things right, too - maybe just not often enough to satisfy your W's needs. If she does the counselling with Steve, she might even get to the point where she is interested in what SHE does in terms of lovebusting and failing to meet your needs. This is a wonderful opportunity for you two to get your relationship not only on track, but better than it was before.<p>Keeping your family in my prayers! Desiree

RMA:I hope you are right.I just hope she does not change her mind.

Hi RMA:I just wanted to wish you and your family a happy holiday season.I have appreciated your feedback and advice and hope that our relationships with the opposite sex go well in 2002.I have been feeling pretty good lately;as a matter of fact, I have determined that regardless of how my situation with my W works out that I am going to improve myself so that I can be a better mate to someone else.I really want to be in a strong loving relationship with someone.If my W don't want to benefit from what I have learned,then someone else will.I cannot believe I have gotten to this point when I think about two weeks ago.My W and I are taking son to movie tommorrow and we are going to see "ALI" on Christmas.W has an appointment with Steve next Friday.I'm taking her to Spa Sidell tommorrow so she can use a gift certificate that I purchased for her last year this time.I am going to turn on the charm a be as loving as possible because that's the way I am.If she wants me, good,if not,that's good too.Hey!There's other fish in the sea who may want me if she does not.The money I am spending on Steve I am regarding as an investment in my future. I am feeling pretty good right now.I am going to redecorate the house.My W just don't know what she has given up.Talk to you later;son just woke up.

Petvet,<p>I have been gone a few days. Wishing you and your family a Happy Holiday, too! I hope that 2002 brings your family back together and closer and better thasn either you or your W ever imagined!<p>Merry Christmas, Desiree

Hi RMA:I hope your Christmas went well.My Christmas was surprisingly good.My W,kid,and I visited my mom's house for the annual Christmas breakfast,and we also opened gifts at my inlaws the night before.My W spoked with Steve on last Friday,and she told hil that she would speak to him again.She had to cut the convrsation short because she was at work,but they spoke for over 40 minutes.She only said that he preached to her and that he knew who the rock group Living Colour was.We are going to see the group tommorrow night.Do you think I should ask her what they talked about?I'm just curious.

Petvet,<p>Thanks for asking. My Christmas was wonderful. I had a house-full for dinner and the kids - mine and my guy friend's - all played basketball in the afternoon. We made hot cocoa and half froze to death watching and played some ourselves. It was a happy time.<p>I am so happy that you and your family ended up together for Christmas. I am thrilloed, too, that your W has kept her word about talking to Steve. 40 minutes is a great start! No, I would not ask her about the call. If and when she is ready, she will talk about it. One thing I learned the oh so hard way, Petvet, you can't force ANYTHING where matters of the heart are concerned. You can only define boundaries for yourself - what you are willing to accept or not accept from others. Let her be and if she chooses to share she will. <p>The most important things are that she is willing to discuss her feelings with Steve and that she is also willing to spend time doing things with you. It will give you the chance to show her how much you love and care about her. Also, this is your time to show the changes you have made in yourself. You have a lot of opportunity, Petvet. I continue to pray for you and your family. There is so much hope here for a successful reconciliation. You guys enjoy the concert!<p>Wishing you a wonderful 2002! Desiree

RMA: You know she said to me yesterday that she was being nice to me because she is going to have to deal with me anyway throughout my son's life. I gave her flowers and a card. I am trying not to get my hopes up. I am trying not to read anything from her expessions, etc. I feel I am walking a tightrope. Do you know what I mean?

Petvet,<p>Yes, I certainly understand how you feel. It is so hard to love someone who is so ambivalent back about you. They totally hold your fate in their hands as long as you love them.<p>You are doing a fine job. The flowers and cards are so nice. Deep down, your wife must really appreciate all these things - most women do! The most importyant thing is to understand what you were NOT doing before that made her so unhappy, so that you can do a better job this time around.<p>Do you have a good understanding of what was "missing" in your relationship when the affair started? What have you done to address this?<p>Desiree

Happy new year RMA!Before I tell you about last night,let me address your question.To be honest with you,I can only guest at what was making my wife unhappy.I know about several things that were issues in our marriage but how these two or three issues over five years tie into major love unit withdrawal that led to an affair, I don't know. Steve told me to make a list of things that I thought made her unhappy. They were three or four events during the course of five years. None did not involve a third party. They were first child conception, leaving job to a start
business, part time business I operate outside of my regular job that I operate on average of once or twice a month, and my love of dogs(I show
Alaskan Malamutes in competition)and pets.Two of these issues are not relavent any more, but I am dealing with the aftermath four or more years later.She has told me what her needs are but which ones I am not meeting, I have no idea.That's where I hope Steve can help me. Last night was GREAT.She said that she had a good time.We did not leave concert until after 1:30 am.Interestingly,as I was driving last night,she asked me whether I had spoken to Steve.I told her no;apparently, she thought I would speak to him after her conversation.She said that he will tell me what she said.She does not like psychologists or marriage counselors.She thinks it's a waste of money and time and she relayed that to Steve.She said that she would talk to him again.Also, last night,I heard my son tell W that he misses her and wish she would come home and she responded by asking him whether I put him up to ask her that question and he said no.I am going to talk to get some information from Steve and find out what he wants me to do next.I think at some point in the near future W and I need to sit down for a long
and deep conversation.I know that she is not happy with her present financial situation that will probably get worst if we don't derail the divorce train.What needs I am not meeting is the big question.

RMA:After further comtemplating your question after my response,I remembered that I did ask what she wanted.As a matter fact, I have the original sheet of paper she wrote her response on.The wants are in the following order:Flowers,opening doors,cards,time together,and plan special trips.I will grant you that through my over eight years of marriage,her wants were not met on a regular basis,but I will have to say the flowers,opening doors,cards were regular for the past three years,as a matter of fact,she told me to stop giving her flowers.Time together was normally late in the evening after son went to bed, but a bigger problem for three years was that we worked different shrifts.After the baby was born, special trips ceased to zero.
After the affair became knowledge,I tried to arranged a getaway for us to Amelia Island, Florida but she backed out at the last minute and was not interested in going anywhere with me after that.Still, I wonder whether her wants and unmet needs are the same thing?While we were dating, I was a prolific card giver along with occasional flowers.We spent every available time we had together.We took little excusions to parks,etc.,and I opened doors.I know what you are probably thinking.Just repeat what got me in front of the preacher in the first place.If it worked once,it will work again,maybe.I just need to keep it up continually.

RMA:Have you heard about Restore Ministries?I just received one of their publications,"How God Will Restore Your Marriage".If you have not heard about them,their web site is at www.restorem.org.You know I am doubting myself again because I may have blown it by asking and letting her moveout or worst yet filing for divorce.After months of thought, I just did not know what else to do.Since she has left,my stress level has decreased tremendously.I have some piece of mine.I know that I want my marriage but I am not confident about how to get there.Sometimes I'm not sure whether I am making head way or what.When I call her,she acts defensive.I know I have been through this self doubt before but I am just wondering where this thing is headed if anywhere.

Petvet,<p>Lots of info in your three short messages! First off, you really have the information you need. Your W wants to feel admired and appreciated, Petvet. Truthfully, most everyone does. During courtship and early marriage, you made it quite clear that she was #1 in your life. It is an AWESOME feeling to feel so loved and important to the one you love. You obviously did this so well.<p>By her written messages to you, you know what she is missing - that old feeling of being special and most important in your life! <p>All of us with kids can understand how those special things sort of fall off the radar screen once the baby/babies start to arrive. However, you can no longer afford to NOT put your W and your relationship with your W at the TOP of your list. You are seeing and living the consequences of failing to keep the relationship thriving. Your family and marriage will fall apart without your constant attention and nurturing. <p>Without her words written to you, can't you see how easily and sagerly she responds to your efforts? She WANTS to spend time with you when you go out of your way to make her feel important and special. Petvet, the key to success is in your very hands. If you continue to do the things you are doing - and they come freely from your heart, your W will be drawn back into your marriage like a bee to a honey comb. You are doing a bang-up job, Petvet!<p>Her willingness to talk to Steve is amazing. In my opinion, it seems as if her affair was a "wake-up" call top you, Petvet, and not an exit affair at all.<p>I am really glad you guys had fun at the concert. You know, you don't have to spend every waking minute wooing and entertaining your W, but as my signature line says, little acts of kindness on a regular basis go a long, long way.<p>Everybody has to learn how to balance life, love and responsibilities and recreation. Dr Harley says to find things to do together so that you may enjoy activities without the other person feeling resentful of the time involved or feel left out. What might you think to suggest as a new (or old) hobby you two can both pursue and enjoy? Maybe even something like bike riding, so son can tag along, too?<p>Your doubts and fears are all normal at this stage. Again, don't pursue your W too much. She has to come home freely and you can not successfully pressure her to do so.<p>Prayers for you all again today. I am also throwing a challenge out there to other MB friends who may be reading this. This is a truly hopeful situation and we need as many prayers for this couple as possible. Please join in with your prayers for this family.<p>Desiree

Thanks RMA for your encouragement.You know it is snowing like cats and dogs here in Hotlanta.It is amazing how 2,3,4,maybe 5 inches of snow can bring an entire city to its knees.I know people up north are laughing at us' crazy southerners.It has not snowed like this since '93.W has called me a number of times about the snow;she wanted to make sure kid and I were OK.Steve wants to speak to me next Wednesday alone.You are right RMA I have been given a wake up call big time.As I said previously,I have wooed her before,maybe I can do it again.I cannot wait to speak to Steve to see what he has to say.One thing I can say is that I have learned so much about relationships in the last couple of months.If I get her back,I am not going to let this happen again.I am going to make sure I keep wooing her.Even when I am in a bad mood,I will always be aware of my actions and how she feels.I hope you are having a ball with your relationship.It must be a good feeling knowing that you have this databank of knowledge about relationships to pull from. Are you seeing a difference in this relationship and the old one?Do you think you are realizing the benefits of

Petvet,<p>I am glad I am encouraging you. It is one of the reasons I haven't left here. I just have limited time for this, though. I have been at "this" for right at 3 years now. All I can say is this - you can NEVER learn enough or too much about relationships and relationship dynamics. Yes, I am having fun in my new relationship, but I try with all my might never to take any part of it for granted!<p>Yes, the snow is a hoot for sure. Enjoy, Desiree

Hi RMA:How are you doing?I hope love is going well for you. I have an important question for you: Do you think having a divorce case hanging over one's head would hinder reconciliation? I spoke with Steve again and he will talk to my W and I soon, and she has sent indications to me that I need to read biblical scriptures concerning divorce and adultery.She has not even return her discovery information to my attorney which is two weeks over due.I'm just wondering whether she is scared to take that extra step to me knowing that the D is still out there. What do you think?

Petvet,<p>In your situation, I think you should consider putting the divorce on hold. You and your W are just beginning active counselling with Steve. Why push the envelope???<p>You might want to consider telling your attorney to stall and not do anything more unless you instruct him/her to, and then to sit with your W and tell her that you are willing to put things on hold as long as she continues to work on the marriage. You guys have a lot going for you right now, in relation to the affair. If you push the legal aspect, it will send her the wrong message, at a point where she needs to see that you are still interested in reconciliation.<p>Good luck, Desiree

Hi RMA,I have some bad news for you.My W and I had a session with Steve Monday afternoon.I thought the session went fairly well with my W agreeing to another session;however,last night, she called me to tell me that she did not want to go through any counseling because it has not worked in the past.Keep in mind that we have not ever completed a marriage counseling program.Why? Because whenever we would start counseling,she would not do assignments or just would stop going to sessions.She said that she never has wanted to go to counseling sessions.She said I was the one who wanted to go not her and that I was the one who made the appointments.She said that for the past year or so,she was depressed and that she does not want to go back to that.She said that she does not want to give me anymore chances,but when I think about it,I'm not to sure whether I have had a fair chance from the get go.I mean it appears to me that she did not go into the counseling sessions in good faith,commitment,and without encumbering the sessions.I think she has dug her heels in.I am going to speak to Steve to see what he recommends.She told me that whenever she was out with the third party that she felt so "ALIVE" that she cannot imagine going back to a depressed situation.I don't know what Steve can recommend.Even though I pray for my family every day,my hope is dwindling fast that we will ever be together again.I think my wife was glad to get out of the house so that she could be free.She told Steve that she was happy with the current situation even though he told her that her happiness will be short live.I'm very sad.