Hi RMA: I recommend reading Dr. Laura's "10 Stupid Things Couples Do to Mess Up Their Relationships". Good Book!.

Petvetr, sorry to hear the counselling didn't go so well. It is to be expected. Your W's commitment to recovery will come and go. Her feelings of depression rang a bell. My exH felt the same way - he was deeply depressed and desperately didn't want to go back into the "pit" again, to use his own words.<p>All you can do is support her and let her know that you love her and want a full marriage again. Also, this is a horrible tim for you - so you need to focus on self, too. As much as you can, and this is super hard to do, try to NOT focus on the marriage, but in yourself, your life and your own happiness. It is the only thing in your control, Petvet. <p>I am hoping she will change her mind. Many WS's do, you know. Nonetheless, keep your own counselling sessions. You will need the expert advise and support. Keeeping your family in my prayers.<p>Desiree

Hi RMA! I hope life is going well for you and your love ones. I have a dilemma. To make a long story short, Steve think I may need to drop my legal action against my wife. Of course, I need to consult with my attorney first. He thinks this will be good as long as this action does not put me at a disadvantage.He said I would feel so much better if this marriage does not work that I did everything humanly possible to make the marriage work. Even though W said that she could not guarantee that she would be faithful,Steve said that I don't know either way what she may do.It is a 50/50 proposition. He just does not think she can be feeling too good with the legal thing hanging over her head. I am meeting attorney tommorrow.<p>Puzzled in ATL.

Petvet,<p>I am glad to hear that Steve agreed with the advice I had already given you. You can't press for a divorce and expect your W to do the counselling, etc. I agree 100% with what Steve told you. You have a 50-50% chance of things going either way. If you give 100% of yourself to saving your marriage, it just might work. If it doesn't, then you can at least walk away with no regrets that you didn't try hard enough. Petvet, these are TRUE words. I gave 100%, but ended up divorced anyway. But, I can say that I do not regret trying and I think it all helped me to heal quicker and to move on. I did all that I could do and I feel GREAT about that. I like the person I see each morning when I look into the bathroom mirror.<p>The worst part of all of this is the time....waiting what seems an eternity to know how things will end up. Keep the faith. And keep up your counselling. Live your life as if it is the last day, Petvet, because none of us know for sure. Find the joys and happiness whereever you can. Love your little son and hug him. Let your W know that you care, but try not to let this consume you.<p>God bless, Desiree

Hi RMA! I have decided to dismiss my suit against my wife in order to make a honest and good faith attempt to save my marriage.My attorney told me that legally it would not be a disadvantage.I am jumping out solely on faith. I can only try and see what happens. She may turn right around and refile against me but at least I tried everything humanly possible.<p>God Bless.<p>Oliver

Petvet,<p>This post is starting my day off great! I am glad you are doing this. Yes, it is a leap of faitrh, but face it - isn't everyday a leap of faith???? None of us knows for sure what tomorrow will bring into our lives. You are doing everything you can that is within your control, Petvet. I really believe that you are giving your marriage the best chance to be restored. Your family is in my prayers. And, more importantly, YOU are in my prayers. One must love and believe in "self" before one can be a good partner to another. This experience can do a lot to damage "self" and I do pray for your continued personal recovery, too.<p>Take care, Desiree

Just stumbled across this conversation and there is so much great advice here. I am praying that things will work out for Petvet.Be strong.

espoir,<p>Thanks for adding your comments. I seem to be the only one responding here. Prayers and support from everyone are welcome here.<p>How are things going for you? I am afraid I am not familiar with your story. <p>Wishing you well, Desiree

Hi Espoir! Thank you for your prayers and support. How are things going for you? The advice I have received from this forum has been very helpful. The fact that people are willing to share their experiences is great. Let us know if we can be of help.<p>Petvet

Hi Petvet and Desiree,
I am doing fairly considering. I don't post alot, and actually right now my M is in recovery so fortunately when I'm on the D/D board it's more out of curiousity than actual experience.
My story is- got married in 1987, and I have 3 kids. D-day was 4/01, found out my H was having an affair w/ a married but childless woman since December. It was before I knew about MB but I plan A'd anyway more or less. There was 3 months of continued contact. Then it ended. My husband had planned to move out but never did. (I told him if he moved out we would have to set up a legal separation). It wasn't exactly withdrawal, but I didn't feel like my H started working on our M until Thanksgiving. In Sept I fell into a
DEEP depression. I've been on anti deps but I'm having some trouble- the meds made me calm but VERY sleepy. I've been weaning off them and now I am a bit speedy and having trouble sleeping- I need to find another med I think.
My husband and I are working on our marriage. It's a struggle but we have alot at stake. I find it really hard to get past the affair. I am grateful that we've preserved our family. But I have lost so much respect for my H. I think time will help heal things. But I'm still haunted. I'm just horrified by the memories of what happened. It makes me so sad, and I feel like something so precious has been lost. Once you see the cruelty of your wayward spouse there is a scar that will be there forever. But I do believe in MB and I hope we can use the principles to improve our marriage. We'll see.
I have to go now, but I'll write back about my Plan A. Everyone does it differently, but I don't think it means being a doormat. I think Plan A can be tough and loving at the same time.
Petvet, I feel terribly sorry about the pain you're going through. I think that you're making good decisions about dropping the divorce action for now.
How are you doing?

Hi Espoir! Yes, I know how you feel about the not forgeting about what happened or what might have happened with the OP.Steve told me that I should not concentrate on the OP because there's nothing I can do about them. We who have been betrayed must concentrate on making ourselves better and concentrate on what we have control over. I find that the power to be empowered in great. As I said in the past, I want my ship to be a mean, lean running machine. I try to show my fortitude and strength by my actions. Think about Drew Bledsoe of the New England Patriots who was benched after an injury in favor of a new and young QB. He kept is mouth shut and showed tremendous restraint and let his actions do the talking for him.He had garnered so much respect. We have to do the same thing and if out spouses want to be low and dirty, let them. As far as depresiion is concern, see can you get another prescription from your doctor. I am on anti depressent medication as well even though I do not take it as I should. God Bless you.

espoir,<p>Thank you for taking the time to get your story down for us. I am so happy for you that you are in recovery. You sound like a sensible person, espoir. I agree that you should give your marriage every chance to recover, despite your disappointments in your H. In reality, we are all imperfect and each disappoint one another in some way during our lifetimes. If things don't work out, at least you will still have your own self-respect. <p>I can't help about the meds. I never had to take them. I did go through a deep depression myself, but I was able to function and my therapist said he didn't think I needed them. However, Petvet has given good counsel - maybe you need a different kind? <p>Best of luck to you. I try to pray for so many by name, and I will add you to my prayer list. Since I can not remember everyone's name, I always include the "and all my friends at MB" as a catch all, lol! <p>Take care, Desiree

Hi RMA: what value to you place in horoscopes as far as whether choosing mates? The reason I ask this question is that my W has told me that our horoscopes say that we are best as friends and not as lovers. I know it is a bunch of junk. Has anyone tried to justify your relationship through a horoscope or is it simply an excuse?

Petvet,<p>I have read my horoscope in the newspaper off and on for years, but I certainly wouldn't say I live by that at all. We can each "interpret" anything we want to back us up -s in that we shoudl stay together or we should part ways. Your W is looking for justifications right now. I do believe she is still undecided. Just tell her, "Look, Hon, I don't know much about horoscopes, all I can say is that I love you and want us to be together as a happy family." All a BS can do successfully is communicate their desire for marital restoration, and demonstrate that by modifying behavior in whatever ways are important to the WS.<p>Keep your chin up, Desiree

OK, I have a funny story about this (astrology) not that I really believe in it all...... Also a true horoscope is very personalized- the stuff on websites isn't- how could something be true for 1/12 the world's population? Anyway, don't alot of people marry their best friend?
So.... I had a friend who lived on my street- an astrologer. Five yrs ago, I was pregnant and my GYN wanted to induce labor, told me to come in the next day. I was a little freaked out by "choosing" my baby's birth date so I jokingly said- Well first I have to check w/ my astrologer.
I called my friend and said well, I have to have the baby this week, Tomorrow or Friday- what do you recommend? I thought she would probably say, anyday is OK. Instead, she very seriously told me, wait I'll call you back. Later she told me, you should definitely have the baby tomorrow. She was very strong in her advice that it was the better day. She also told me I'd have an easy labor and voila, my son was born in 4.5 hours, natural childbirth and no episiotomy!
OK flashforward to 2001. I find out about the A. I immediately call my friend. We'd been out of touch for a few yrs, and she'd moved away.
All I told her was my H and I are having some problems in our marriage.
She takes our birth data and sends me a reading (her interpretation) on tape.
in which she says,
Hon, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your H is having an A. She said, It's with a younger woman(True), it wasn't planned, it erupted like a volcano (True), she's from a foreign country (True)and he has grand illusions (True) (at the time my H was trying to palm it off as just a fling but unfortunately my friend was right and he was planning on divorce)
She than added all sorts of information about my H's personality- things like he travels the world but doesn't really get involved with the people and cultures of the places he goes to-
True, my H and I are very different in this regard. And many other comments about him that were eerily accurate considering she doesn't know him well at all, only met him a couple of times.
She also kept stressing- You have always had a problem in your life with accepting the unacceptable... (True) and told me to focus on myself and concentrate on becoming a better person. (Good Plan A advice).She also told me "You can forgive him in your heart and that doesn't mean it won't happen again." I'm still analyzing that comment and trying to decide if my H has really changed.
Anyway I do think alot of astrology is hogwash but hmmm this friend of mine is really gifted in that regard.

Espoir: You got me thinking now. Food for thought.

Hi RMA: Well, as I told a few days ago, I dismissed my legal against my wife. Well, when I informed her today of what I had done, she was furious. I had sent her flowers today and two cards. We were surposed to go out to dinner on Saturday. Now, she has told me that she does not want to go out on Saturday nor does she want anymore cards from me. I am not surprise by her reaction. I told her I am doing what is necessary to restore my marriage. I am showing her that I am serious. She told me that she wanted to go ahead with the divorce and resented what I had done. I have done my best.<p>Down in Atl.

espoir,<p>Interesting story. I do klnow what you mean. Sometimes when reading my horoscope in the paper, I think - that is dead on. All during my exH's affair, HIS horoscope keep saying he would have a change of residence and marital staus. HMPF! Turned out all true. But, I still look at his occasionally, and now 2 years and marriage to the OW later, it is saying he will have a change of residence and marital status. HAHA! Wonder if it will come true or they just recycle those horoscopes!! Good for a laugh, anyway, 'cause a recent one of mine in the newspaper said I would be giving birth to a child in the near future and that sure isn't going to happen! Take care, friend.<p>Petvet, Oh, you just have the CONTRARY type of wife. Can't win no matter WHAT you do or don't do, right? Listen, just DON'T mention it again. If it comes up, tell her in a quiet, calm voice that YOU don't want the divorce and felt compelled to withdraw the petition, because that is not what is really in your heart. Leave it at that. After all, if you don't want it, you should not file. If she is so adamant, let her file. I'll bet she will threaten it, but won't do it. You know, Petvet, I often think these contrary ways are test by WS to measure the TRUE depth of your love for them. As long as you have love for your W and a desire for reconciliation, and no legal reason to pursue the divorce, then simply don't.<p>You are really doing a super job, Petvet. You are handling your emotions much, much better than I did. The flowers and cards are so nice. She may be angry at you now, but these kidnesses are seldom forgotten, although rarely acknowledged. Keep true to YOURSELF, my friend!<p>Desiree

Thank you, Thank you, RMA. I got up in the middle of the night to view your response. I am going all out showing my love. I sent her 20 tulips multicolored to her job. Her co-workers were fighting her for the box according to her. She called and thanked me. Now, after realizing that I dismissed my suit, she wants no cards nor dinner at one of Atl's finest restaurants.She wants the good stuff but does not want me. Despite your optimism, I believe she will refile next week. If she does this, my respect for her will go out the door. I think my desire for love from her will go as well. Her action will say alot about her. Would you hold off sending her anything (cards for example) any time soon? The fact that I have done everything humanly possible except putting a bullet through my head has made me feel good about myself. The ball is in her court. Speaking of horoscopes, a couple of days ago I looked at my stars and it said that whatever trials I am experiencing will make me a better person in the future. Yes, I am a better person. I see it and feel it. I think my parents have a new found respect for me by what I am doing with their grandson. My major concern is my son. He is having major problems at school. He is not happy at all. Mom calls him off and on. She may call the house to obtain info about something but does not ask to speak to her son. Several times, he has refused to speak to her. Even though it is hard on me, I keep saying to myself that I am doing my best and that I can only be responsible for my actions not others. That last statement has done wonders for me. I am going to do whatever is necessary to make son happy without making him into a spoil brat. I want him to be an asset to society not a liability. <p>I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING HUMANLY POSSIBLE.

Petvet, I just have one minute. Many People file Aand the divorce never goes through, so don't think that is the end if your wife does indeed file. You know, you say she wants the good stuff only - OK, that is SOOOOOOOOO typical of the WS. After all, when they are engaged in these triangles, isn';t it just about getting the best of BOTH worlds??? Yes, it is a selfish time right now.<p>I go back to what I have said all along. If you love her and want reconciliation, then let her know and do nothing else. If she files, don't acknowledge it. If she brings it up and forces a conversation, tell her that you love her and don't want it. Leave it at that. <p>Your son's situation makes me ultra sad. Do remind him that his Mom does love him, and that she is just going through a rough time right now. Every child deserves TWO parents to love and 2 parents who love him/her.<p>Take care, Desiree