RMA, while you were gone, I just knew that Furrymitn would keep us abreast of his situation, but I have not heard from him. I wonder whether he has gotten frustrated or whether things have taken a turn for the good.Either way, it would seem that he would still interact with us. He seem rather quick to wash his hands of W because of his W's indecision; I wonder whether he made his mind up and have moved on.<p>By the way if you don't mine me asking, what was on your menu for Easter? You must love to cook. Apparently, your family knows that's the place to be for the holidays. It sounds traditional. Your sons are protective of you, aren't they? The ex just does not know what he gave up. Men love women who love to cook; I know I do, especially, if they can cook but more importantly, just the knowledge that a women or W would take the time to convene family for special occasions really says a lot about the matriarch.<p>As far as my W is concern, I just don't know. She looked really good in her dress on Sunday.I have to admit that she got my hormones boiling.She was wearing one of those special bras(you know the bra I'm talking about).I think you are right;I still want her.

Petvet,<p>Yes, I knew you were still in-love with your W. It is just the anger and the hurt that you feel when she is being so insensitive and uncaring that make you temporarily forget that love. Just keep being you. Don't obsess about the D, either. I feel in my heart that she is not done with you. You might be one of those couples who D and then remarry. I know 4 couples like that. Keep on praying, too!<p>For Easter, I really had a feast - baked a turkey, smoked a pork loin, wild rice, turkey gravy, cranberry, sweet potato and pineapple casserole, twice-baked potatoes, creamed spinach, sauteed green beans, white and golden corn, macaroni and cheese, a garden salad with everything you can think of in it, baked 3 dozen yeast raised rolls, had a cake (0nly thing I did not cook), lemon squares and brownies. Had a lot of starches, but my sons love them. Now tell me, was that a huge dinner or not!?!? I am Cajun - I love to cook and love to eat. <p>Desiree

Dawn RMA, you can really cook.You may need to open a restaurant. You know that if you can cook cajun food it is the rage of the eatery industry now. I know of a couple of cajun restaurants that have recently open and are doing really well. Plus I know of a family that caters food, there is really a lot of money in catering especially if you provide good service and the food is good.<p>I really don't know about the W. What do you see that I don't see that tells you that W is not through with me? Also, four couples that D then remarried? How can that be possible? How do they get from disliking eachother to a reunion? These four couples again, did they remarry after how long following their D's? This is unreal.Granted I have heard of something like this before but I thought it was a rare occurrance.<p>Please enlighten me about these four couples. Interesting.

I need some help people. My husband I and just recently seperated. I moved out since it was his apartment first. He seems to not really be caring and doing better without me. I left to take a stand to not be puushed around. But since that is what he wanted, some space, I do not know if I made any impact. I have stared re-reading the Love Must Be Tough book...but to me it has not gotten any easier for me. I am so depressed, angry and hurt- very betrayed. I do not know what to do. I refuse to call him because I am trying to make a stand and get my respect but still it is getting harder. I miss him immensly. What should I do?

Young & Sad,<p>First off, you need to read the information at this website. Buy theooks or check them out of the library. Gosh, I wish I could tell you to just do X and it would repair your marriage. Alas, there is no magic formula. However, the premise of the Harleys and their material is that you can do some things to improve your position as a viable choice for your H. That is why I encourage you to read and adopt the principles into daily practice. Avoid love busitng and try to ID your H's most important emotional needs and do your darndest to try to meet those. That is the best start you can give yourself right now.
Good luck!<p>Petvet,<p>No, I don't want to cater. That would make cooking work and then it wouldn't be fun. Now, about your W - well, I see that she constantly is hanging around and wanting to do things with you individually and as a family with your son. Look, that just doesn't happen with alot of WS's. Also, she seems to ENJOY alot of the time she spends with you. You are deep into dealing with the hurt and anger and you just don't see some of the things I can see as an objective outsider. Be patient, Grasshopper.<p>Here is the scoop on the 4 couples:
1) Ex BIL and his W divorced for over 1 year and then remarried. He is an alcoholic and I am sure that OW were involved when he was out drinking and carousing.<p>2) My former neighbors - divorced over 2 years and then remarried. The lady's only child got killed in an accident right after her college graduation. I don't know if any other person was involved. The exH moved across the country after the D, yet they did end up remarried after a couple years.<p>3) A couple who are acquaintances were divorced over 5 years and then got back together and remarried. Don't know them well enough to know if another person was involved or not, but I suspect so.<p>4) SDS (Diana) from here recently remarried her exH. I think they were divorced over a year. Her H was the WS.<p>Look, it can happen, it just isn't all that common. More often, I have seen couples get close to D and then one of them calls it off at the eleventh hour. Know that even if things do end up with divorce, you are STILL connected to your W through your son, and always will be. <p>Keep the faith, Petvet. I still have hopes for your marriage.<p>Oh, I made a post looking for furrymitn. No response from anyone. I hope things are OK with him.<p>Take care, Desiree

RMA, thanks for the info on the couples. Young & Sad seems to be pretty panic right now. Young & Sad gives us more info on your situation prior to your moving out. The Love Must Be Tough book is good, but please read the Harley's books as well. The Love Must Be Tough logic has to be used at the right time. You have to be ready for the fall out. I used it and probably was not ready for the fall out like I should have. Be careful.Are there kids involved? <p>I don't know what happened to Furrymitn.He just dropped from the face of the earth.<p>You are good people RMA.

Hi PetVet and RMA,<p>I was looking at your posts here and I have gained a lot of useful information. <p>My story:<p>I have been married for 1 year. This is my first marriage and my husband's second. My husband and I dated for 2 and was very good friends for 4. During our one year marriage, it has been hell. We were arguing constantly about nothing.My husband and I are both christians. Well in the last few months, we started arguing about our lack of sex and he tried to tell me it was because we were arguing all the time. In January, we had a big blow out and I ended up leaving because he threatened me by saying the only way we could make it is if I be quiet and if I do have a problem,I am to talk to him with fear and trembling the way a child talks to his father. Well I just cried and said the devil is A LIE! I packed my bags and left. Well, after one week, he realized he had messed up and called our mentor couple and begged them to talk me into coming back home which they did. Well, right before, Valentines Day, we had another argument and I told him he had me at that point of wanting to leave and he did not like that statement. He got furious for over a week and told me that he only sees us divorcing because he cannot meet my emotional needs. I told him that he could if he would just seek Godly counsel. He agreed and sought counsel of our mentor couple. They explained to him that he needs to stop trying to run away from things and confront them. They told him that he needs to communicate with me his feelings and not shut them in. Well anyway, we got past that and on Valentines Day, he became really expressive and told me that NO ONE has loved him the way I have and I was such a blessing to him. <p>Well 2 weeks later, he and I had another argument which got kind of physical and he ended up leaving me and coming back 2 days later to tell me he wants a divorce and he was thru with me.
2 days later, I find out that my husband is addicted to porn. He has been masturbated for long time. This was a problem in his first marriage and he NEVER TOLD ME OR OUR MENTOR COUPLE. He apologized for hurting me and lying to me. But he still wanted out.<p>Well, we didn't talk after that for a month and I finally talked to him the other day and he said he wants a divorce but he is not 100% sure. <p>I told him that I did not want a divorce and that I loved him and he was a good man and we could get thru this with God's help. He said, "I didn't think you wanted after all that has happened and the time that has pass." I told him that I will always want him and that is why I married him. I told him EVERYBODY falls short. We just have to learn how to deal with it and move on. I told him that I forgave him and I was no longer dwelling on the past because that has been my problem. I told him what I did wrong in the marriage and I was going to be a new creature when he came home. <p>I am at a lost because I do not feel like we should divorce over this. I have not tried to contact him since the separation because I have ran him down in the past. I decided that he would have to make the decision for contact and if we did talk that I would speak positives and speak about what I did wrong not him.<p>I think it bothered him that I haven't tried to track him down.
What are your thoughts?

Continuance: I forgot to add that he left his first wife and divorce her. Regretted it and tried to get her back but she refused.<p>You would think he would learn from that.

morton,<p>What a story. My impression from reading your story is that you and your H do not know how to resolve conflict. When you don't see eye-to-eye, you guys argue to try to "win" and in the end both feel frustrated and then somebody gives up and just leaves.<p>Your H's addiction to porn is just an "addiction", morton. No different than drug, alcohol, gambling, sex with strangers, etc - it is an addiction - an abnormal obsession with something that is ultimatley hurting the intimacy between you two.<p>You guys are going to have to get some professional help to sort through the porn addiction. Really, do your best to get you BOTH in professional counseling. Know that there is something you both can do to solve your poor communication styles. Dr Harley has laid out the principles of care and policy of joint agreement (POJA). You both have to begin to respect the other person more, and to communicate that respect, care and love by trying to come to solutions to disagreements that don't end up with a "winner" and a "loser". There is a wealth of material on this website to help guide you. Please read the Harley's books, too.<p>I like the Christian mentor couple, too. How wonderful of them to volunteer to help. You have alot of resources at your fingertips - please use them all. Please do speak to your H about the professional counseling for the porn addiction, too. <p>Wishing you the best, Desiree<p>[ April 06, 2002: Message edited by: Roll Me Away ]</p>

RMA,<p>I have spoken with him and he basically let me have it today. He told me that I was the problem and I almost turned his family against him. He says he doesn't have a problem. I am too outdone.

Hi Morton, you and your husband need a strong professional counselor. Your H runs from conflict. You may want to use your mentor couple to try to mediate (use them as intermediary)with him into attending counseling sessions. Remember that you cannot force him into counseling sessions, he has to want it as well as you do. Are there children involve? Would you consider your H to be mature or childish? It appears that it plays cat and mouse games. Like RMA, I would recommend that you read Harley's book on emotional needs. <p>Pray for the best.

Petvet.<p>He refuses to go to counseling at least right now. He still thinks that I am the problem. Typically, I go hunting him down to make peace.
Well, THE DEVIL IS A LIE!
I am not hunting him down. He has to make up in his mind that he has some serious issues. I am in counseling for me. I can't make him do right.
I really do appreciate everyone's input. Let me know if you have anymore.

morton,<p>I am glad yo are in counseling. You are certainly correct in that you can not make your H do things that you consider right. I do want to caution you about one thing. Please take this in the spirit it is intended. You are coming across in these couple of posts as very judgemental towards your H. Look, we all have a right to opinions and we all have our belief systems, many based on religious faith, of what is right and wrong. Just be sure that even if you think he is doing wrong, and most people would agree that porn addiction is a big problem, that you also can communicate concerns to him in a loving and caring way, and thus a l;ess judgemental way. When it comes down to it, we are ALL sinful people, and none of us are perfect. <p>You have tried to improve things by trying to help and improve your H. He just isn't going to let you, morton. This is one of the same mistakes I made when I initially found out about my exH's affair. I tried to modify and change his behavior to improve the situation. He resisted - he didn't want to do it - and he most certainly didn't want me to tell him what to do. A person will change only when they want to and are then willing to put in the effort to change. You want your H to change, but he doesn't want to at this point.<p>It would be wonderful if the counseling you are receiving is bent toward the 12 steps of recovery. You are going to have to accept that he is only going to give up the porn when he is good and ready. You need assistance in acceptance, coping and learning to live with an addict. There are others here who are dealing with the same thing. Please search these posts out on the GQII forum. Keep praying, morton. I am praying for all of you, too.<p>Desiree

Morton, RMA was correct in her assessment. I know you are angry because your H does not want to put the same effort into your marriage as you do. If your H does not want counseling, I recommend that you continue to go yourself. Even though it's hard, try to let go of your frustration on him (which burns a lot of mental energy) and concentrate on yourself. You are going to have to build yourself up again. You may want to distance yourself from your H awhile and just take care of yourself. He probably expects you to continue chasing and pleading for him to change. If he wants counseling, he will have to want it and not force into it.

Hi RMA, it seems that lately our forum respondants have not stayed with us very long. It seems that maybe they do not like the responses we are giving them. If I did not know any better, they appear to have trouble with the process because the solutions are not quick fixes. The forum can be a benefit for them if used properly. <p>Well,RMA, I invited my W to dinner again yesterday along with a guest. She accepted. She was very talkative and social. She told me that I do not pay any attention to her anymore. This is going to be an interesting week. My A is going to
give my W a serious reality check this week. I'll let you know what happens.I do not think it's going to be pretty, but she wanted it this way, so she has to accept the consequences.<p>How are things going with you?

Petvet,<p>One big question for you? Maybe I misunderstood - why is your attorney giving anything to your W? I know she filed, but since you are starting to get along, why don't you just do nothing right now? I am afraid the aggressiveness of your attorney may turn her away for good, just when she is beginning to show interest in you, again.<p>And, she has told you what was "missing" in your marriage - attention for her. You are giving her that now by asking her on special dates. Again, I see so much potential for the two of you.<p>If you were a soldier, I'd tell you to "stand down".<p>Desiree

RMA, you may have misunderstood. Basically, A is requesting temporary custody and child support, and exclusive use of the house. This is part of the process. It is my understanding that if she does not provide support to the household, she has broken our state law. As a matter of fact, since she has not provide support to the household in thirty days, I could have gotten a warrant for her arrest. RMA, she filed against me, so I have to proceed as though this thing is going towards completion. Right now, I am in no man's land. According to A, we have to ask for what we want first before anything goes to court. This is part of the process from my understanding. If she did not want this, she should not have refiled. This is serious business. I do not have the luxury of being lax anymore since she has refiled. <p>Don't get me wrong. I want to reconcile with my wife, but she sent a message with her refiling. I have to take her refiling seriously or I may get burnt.

Petvet,<p>OK, I do see where you are coming from. It is one of those darned if you do and darned if you don't situations. In the long runl the ball still rests in your W's court. I hope she realizes what a mistake she is making before things go too far.<p>You are doing a good job, Petvet, of staying on a fairly even emotional keel. You sure have progressed an awful ot of a short period of time. <p>Take care, Desiree

RMA, thanks for the complement. Of course, I wish my son and I were not going through this mess. I deal with this from two emotional sides: personal and business. I am doing fine on the business side because business is carried out for the most part without feelings involved, but personally I am still hurting because I have been betrayed by a loved one. I want a strong emotionally, spiritually, and committed woman who wants to give and receive and most importantly has values along with being a team player. My wife will have to meet those requirements before we can be whole again.<p>You were not strong emotionally with the breakup of the last relationship were you? The ex tore everything out of you emotionally. I think you are still hurting emotionally to some degree. I hope I help you as much as you are helping me.

Petvet,<p>I was devastated with the breakup of my former marriage. I really, really wanted us to get back together. The worst part is that at first I just could not accept that my thenH did not love me. He sure acted in everyway as if he was happy. I remember asking him about 10 days before Discovery day if he was happy and if I made him happy. He assured me that he loved me and that he was very happy. I even commented that I was living the happy life I had always envisioned for myself and I wanted him to be that happy. He said he was.<p>Well, I know now that he had already begun the affair when he uttered those words of "reassurance" to me. It was just such a shock, Petvet. The entire thing.<p>Do I still hurt - yes and no. One never gets over a traumatic life event. It is always there with you in some small way, but it certainly no longer consumes me. I will never forget what I experienced. But, do I hurt anymore from it? No. This experience is not in the forefront of my life and it does not interfere with my current happiness.<p>I think I am as healed as you can get, Petvet. Truly, I do feel that way. I am still here for a couple reasons - one is to give back, because I know how much BS's are suffering. Secondly, I hope to benefit from others' experiences. I have learned alot about relationship dynamics. Still learning. You have helped me, too, Petvet. I have to try to give you good advice, and your situation makes me think alot. You have turned into a good friend. I pray fervently that your marriage is restored, Petvet.<p>Take care, Desiree