Thanks, RMA. My situation has turned dry and hard. I do not know how things are going to turn out. You know W has made some really bad decisions all the way around. One will always lose when short term decisions are made that result in long term consequences. I must be honest with you. Recently, I sat down with the priest who did our marriage preparation. Granted, I have sought his counsel since D day. But this particular afternoon while sitting in his residence, he said something to me that he had never disclosed to me before. He told me that he knew I was in trouble because he could tell my wife was not a team player. He felt she wanted things her way and did not want to compromise. The reason we were talking in the first place was someone in my parish died. This person's wife had abandoned this guy and his two kids. The guy did not have any next of kin other than his 17 year old son and 14 year old daughter. Well, he was very upset at the mother because due to the situation the 17 year old had to handle all medical issues and funeral arrangements ( Signing paper, etc.) because he was the closest next of
kin to his father. That made him think of me and my son. At one point, he was saying some pretty negative things like this person miss the turn adn does not act educated. I thought he was referring to the dead man's ex-wife but he was actually referring to my W. Needless to say, I felt bad after that meeting. When I went home, I looked in my files and was able to locate the actual marriage preparation test my W and I took.Well on this test, they like for you to score at least 80% or above. Well, our score came back in the low 70's. Thinking back, I did not think that was too far off to make up through awareness and work. He said that he thought my W said things that she thought he wanted to hear rather than what she actually thought. I do not know what to say RMA. Now, my son and I are here in this house missing an important family member. It does not appear that W's thought process is very good. I may have married someone with alot of baggage. Now, my son and I pay the price.<p>As this priest has said many times, it is what it is.Speaking of priest, this particular one has turned in another priest for doing the BAD thing and testified in court for the conviction of his fellow brother. Not all priest have problems that the press is trying to generalize to all priest.

Petvet,<p>Sorry your counselling did not make you feel better. That is really too bad. I am a Catholic also, so I do understand about the priests.<p>Keep your chin up, Petvet. All I can say is that when you get down, know in your heart that no matter what, you are a good man and a good father to your son. You know you can not change your W in any way. When all is said and done, no matter how things end, you can be proud of yourself and know that you tried your best. At some point, she has to step up to the plate and bat.<p>Wishing you peace and happiness, Desiree

Hi RMA, how are you doing? One thing I like about the spring and summer is that I like to work in the yard planting flowers and improving the property plus the extra sunlight gives me more outdoor time with son.Figure this out, as you know JG was sued for divorce by his cutsy Miss Daytona 500 wife. My W brings a article to me about this stuff trying to discuss the Gs ordeal.This was her second attempt. I do not like to past judgement on such issues because it is a horrible situation to go through and I would not wish it on anyone. Why she wanted to make light of his situation was puzzling to me. To make matters even more bizzare, she has been nice to me lately. Just yesterday, I notice that she was reading a magazine with the main article, "Infidelity, What to do with all the drama?". I'm being myself but I do not have anything to smile about when it gets to you because I am not please having to go through this mess. I am the type of person who does not fake his feelings. All I can say is I just do know. I'm still praying. Are you an active Catholic?I mean do you attend mass regularly and participate in your parish activities. I just heard on the news that there are many Catholics thinking about leaving the church. The press has really done a great job on the Church.

Petvet, <p>Too bad about Jeff, but as cute as he is, he won't be alone for long. It is interesting about your W and these articles. Gosh, I wish I totally understood the psyche of the betrayer, but I just don't.<p>What has happened with your legal process? Has your attorney sent her the reply to the paperwork?<p>I have always been a good practicing catholic. However, I have fallen off the bandwagon since discovery day. I did go back pretty regularly for a year in there, but now, I am hit and miss. Over the years I have been very involved, but not now. I have started a new job last year and honestly I have almost no free time, so I have not been going like I should. I do pray very regularly, though.<p>Prayer has really saved me and helped me to turn my situation from despair and hopelessness to peace and happiness. I have a fella that I love and is good to me, too. We can survive and thrive after all is said and done. We have to have the faith and then have the guts to get up and say, "I want to be happy, again." Really, prayer and the right attitude will take you very, very far from the hurt you are currently experiencing.<p>God bless, Desiree

RMA, I guess you are right about litte Jeffy; he probably won't be alone for long. As far a the legal thing is concern, my A has replied to her suit and have since requested temporary child support which is due May 1st, custody, and exclusive use of the house. Yah, it is hard to understand the pysche of a betrayer.I'm trying to stop trying to figure out her actions. Unless she comes right out and say something, I cannot try to read her actions. By taking care of my business, that helps a lot. I have been trying to stay busy.<p>Please don't forget God. Make some time for him even with your heavy work schedule.

Hi RMA, I hope things are going well for you. Yesterday was my birthday. I took the day off, but it was not necessarily a good day. I'm having to get a new A because my present A is leaving her private practice to become child advocate for a major county government in the area, so I had to meet with her on my birthday.To make things worst, my W's A tried to sneak under our radar screen a request for a court date even though there is a period of discovery which we would like to use, so my new A had to hurrily submit a court request to oppose the request.As a result, my request for temporary child support and custody will be delayed until the previous issue has been resolved. You know my W did not even help my son purchase a birthday card or present for his daddy. That really bothered me. On the upside, my best friend after learning that I was going to treat myself to a birthday dinner arranged for his wife ,child, and himself to meet my son and I at the restaurant which made the day a little better. This was my first birthday in years without W. At times last night, I was very sad. I am doing my best, but it gets hard sometimes. My son and I will have to go it alone it appears. <p>Take care of yourself.

Petvet,<p>First off - Happy Birthday! Glad you got to enjoy your day with people who really do care about you. It is great to have such nice friends, and of course, being with your son is always great!<p>I was going to post to you last night for an update on your legal situation. What mad scramblings around! Don't you just hate all these things?!? <p>You know, don't think of the divorce as a panacea, Petvet. You and your W, even if she becomes your ex, will always be connected due to your son. The hurt doesn't just stop, either, because you become legally divorced. I wish I could make your hurt go away, but I can't. You still hurt and you still want your family to be restored. I pray for this all the time. I really pray that your W wakes up and realizes how much hurt and distance is happening to you and your son.<p>Keep praying and keep facing forward. This will eventually all be sorted out one way or another. Just let het know you are open to discussion of reconciliation IF she will meet the necessary measures. No matter what, set appropriate interactive boundaries. You are a person deserving of much respect, and sometimes we have to command that respect because others forget to give it to us.<p>Hope you have a good day, today - Desiree

RMA, I think once the D is final that things will get better for me because I can move on. Even though my W and I share a child together, my relationship with her will probably not be good going forward. There will be major changes in store for her. I need peace. She wants to do harm to me, and I know it. I am very tempted to say something to her about not letting my son acknowledge my birthday. Would you say something? As I said in the previous post, I am resign to the enivable. I just don't think she has it in her.

Wow, I just read all 13 pages of this post, took be about one hour. This story is all too familiar, I just wanted to wish you luck, sounds like you are getting great advise from RMA.
Petvet, our stories are very familiar, so is the time frame.. check out my signature line..
I have gone though all of this too, my stbxw has acted exactly like yours, guess this is the typical foggy WS behavior. I am now in full "self protect" mode, not contact with stbxw unless it is about our children. It amazes me how cruel the WS can be through out this.. I am going back to court to have my alimony termiated, as suggested by Jen Harley, terminating her health care, and showing her what divorse life is going to be like, I have NO expectations it is going to change things, however I do believe that one day, may months from now, she will realize what she lost, but it is too late. I will continue to follow your post, It has helped me too.
Take care,
Dave

Yea Dave I will try to locate your post. I am sorry you are going through the same mess I am experiencing. I am in the process of giving my WS a reality check. You know I may need to start referring to my W as STBXW plus engaging in total protect mode. Hmmmm!<p>Thanks.

davepr,<p>I have not read your story, bnut will also look for it. You must get an award for reading this thing. It is turning into a novel. Maybe we need to start a new thread. But, then again, it does show the evolution of a person during this rotten process.<p>I am sorry you are here going through the same old, same old. Funny thing is how people in affairs think their situation is special and unique. But, the evidence here shows us the same old, same old. Some of the details are different, but by and large, the stories are all the same.<p>dave, I will look for your story and see if I have anything to offer.<p>Petvet, don't get too hung up on the fact that your W didn't do anything with your son to remember your BD. It is another familiar story written by a person who is currently SELF-ABSORBED. Please, please, please remember where your W "is" right now. She is caught ina vicious cycle of unhappiness and is desperately looking ofr a way out. She is opening all sorts of unsavory doors looking for a way out. You know a safe and loving place for her to be, but she is destined to find her own way out, without help from you. No matter what, she will have to live with the consequences of her actions.<p>Try to find some peace and have a restful weekend, Petvet.<p>Desiree

Petvet,
I used to give my stxw alot of flowers, cards, etc when I was in Plan A, this was way too much for her to handle, it just drove her to OM more.<p>Then I just gave her cards, no gifts, from the children for holidays, etc.. I would get nothing in return from her or from the kids(though her), kids are just 3.5 and 1.5 years old. I come to expect nothing... However, I do continue to give her cards from the kids, not from me, for holiday, I do this for the children, not for her. It makes the oldest feels good to sign (scribble) on the card and then give it to her mom. I am trying to teach them the right things in life, she is too caught up in the fog right now to do the right things for her children, sometimes I have to remind her that she has 2 kids. I never have to worry about her calling here to say goodnight to them or to see how they are doing, that just never happens, although that is hard on my D, she wants to tell mommy good night but mommy is never around, it makes the NC easier. By the way, I live in Raleigh, NC and get down to Atlanta once a month or so, we have a rep. office there.
Take care,
Dave

davepr,<p>I just posted to you on your thread, so please read that.<p>In my opinion, it is now time to STOP doing so much for her. Give her the cards from your kids and that is all. Since you are counseling with Jen, talk to her about this. She can better guide you, but my take is that you are doing way too much for your WS.<p>Desiree

RMA,you are right, my situation has become a novel. Unfortunately, this novel I did not want to be involved in.Do you get frustrated hearing my messy life situation at times? Yes, I see that I have thirteen pages. It bothers me too that this has gone on this long. I may need to consider phrasing out of the forum until this thing ends with W. I guess my situation does sound like a broken record.

Petvet,<p>It is OK. The length of this post is fine. It is a good post to see the evolution of you and the gamut of your emotions, because there are all here in this post.<p>Give yourself some more time, Petvet. You are still rather sad. A divorce is a death - a death of the family you once knew and loved that will be no more. It hurts to give up the dreams. You will make it through all of this. You are stronger and certainly seem to have learned alot about what it takes to have and maintain a successful relationship. A whole lot of hard work and dedication to doing the things that will be important to your mate.<p>You will make it, Petvet. Don't leave unless you want to. I leave that decision entirely up to you.<p>Take care, Desiree

RMA, I just don't want my situation to be a laughing stock or joke because this has gone on so long. You are right this is the death of a family. What makes it even more problematic is that I like my inlaws, met some good people at her church, etc. It's the relationships were created during this marriage that have been damaged. For some reason, I still feel that I am shouldering most of the load and she isn't.Don't get me wrong I will continue to stay on post to put in my two or three cents for those who need help just like you have helped me. Granted this post is not just for my benefit but it is designed to help others going through the same junk. When all this is over I may print out my entire post to reflect on how far I have come.

Petvet,
I think it is great that your story is all here in one post, I know it has helped me.. my story is in about 50 posts across three boards... I wish it is all in one post... It is very interesting to see how things progress in time... it was like reading my situation.. your choice but it great to have the entire situation here ....
Take care,
Dave

PetVet<p>I have just read your entire post and I feel for you. I too am amazed by how much affairs have in common.<p>The stories I read in this post hit really close to home and at times I started to cry (but was able to fight the urge and hold it in) because it was sooo painful and reminded me of my current troubles.<p>I wish I could give you some advice but you have gotten losts of good advice from RMA -- Davepr has helped me and it was good to see his response in your post<p>I will pray for your continued healing.<p>Take care and God Bless<p>Frank1000

Petvet,<p>this post will not become a laughing stock. Trust me on that. Too many people here can identify 100% with each and every emotiopn you have felt and are still dealing with.<p>Frank1000,<p>I am glad you have been helped by this post. Petvet's story is sadly very, very common. Other men have written to say they feel this story is so very similar to their's. Keep the faith, Frank1000. There is only so much one can do. Do not hesitate to rise to the occasion and do all that you CAN do. But, also recognize that some things are only in the realm of your W to change or "fix". You can only concentrate on being the best H and friend to her, and give her reason to want to reconsider a relationship with you.<p>Good luck, Desiree

Hi RMA, I had time to do a lot of thinking and observing this past weekend. On Sunday morning while jogging in a local park, I immediately noticed that the park was busier than usual because normally there are only maybe two other people (including myself) in the entire park at the particular time of morning I jog. Well, as I got deeper in the park I found out why the park was busy. I noticed two cars parked side by side. Us BSs know where I am going with this. As I past the two cars, there were two love birds seating in the front seat of the woman's car. Immediately, I began thinking about the spouses of one or both of the lovebirds including the children. There were two men in separate cars who were paying very close attention to the love birds; I willing to bet they were PIs because they normally work in teams of two or three.What killed me was that the two lovebirds or better yet "dodobirds" did not realize that they stood out like a sore thumb. You are right RMA things WSs are living in a fog. I hope their significant others know about what is going on. <p>I asked W why she did not have son buy card or gift for my BD so son could acknowledge my BD. OK guys (RMA, Dave, Frank) what do you think her response was? Does anyone have a PHD? Not needed. You are right. She responded that she forgot but remembered after the fact but that I will get over it. Nothing like good old fashion love from a scumbag (Dr. Laura said it not me).<p>Speaking of Dr. Laura, I was listening to her show last night and a gentleman call with a situation similar to mines (secret cell phone calls, etc.) which really brought home the point that we who are going through this mess have similar stories even though it's different people. It's hard for me to understand why so many people allow themselves to fall into the WS trap. Do they ever learn?<p>Take care, RMA. Oh, take care also Dave, Frank, etc.