i posted this earlier this week and i am disapointed that no one has responded. Today is my wedding aniversary, i am miserable and dont know where to turn or what to do please read my story and give me some advice ASAP thanks:<BR> <BR>Author Topic: Weeny wife needs help following through! <BR>jess<BR>Junior Member posted September 29, 1999 12:24 PM <BR>--------------------------------------------------------------------------------<P>I am writting you with a 3 sided problem. First let me say that I have been married for six years. My hub and I were high school sweethearts and dated 2 1/2 years before marriage. Things were not perfect then, our entire relationship in high school was constant fighting. I was raised in a loving Christian home and taught how to communicate and love unconditionally. I was told everyday of my life there that I was loved and I was a very secure and self confident young lady. My hub was raised in a physically, verbally, and emotionally abusive household and has no communication skills. I can look back to our first fight and remember how utterly shocked and hurt I was at his tone of voice, hurtful words, and apparent lack of concern for my feelings. I know that I only feed his abusive ways all these years, because I was immediately passive towards him, and tried to make HIM feel loved, comforted, and secure when deep down that is what I needed in return. But I am a very sensitive and caring person. I have always put others needs before my own, in attempts to spare their feelings. I guess I have always felt that I could handle it if it were inflicted upon me rather than me inflicting pain upon someone else. Does this make any sense to you? <BR>My husband has been very verbally and emotionally abusive to me throughout our relationship. He has belittled me, called me names, confused me beyond reason during fights, twists my words into a negative tone, and cursed me out lower than a dog--more than I care to admit. He has constantly referred to me as unstable, crazy, out of my mind, and delusional. My family, friends, and his family have even made remarks and expressed their concern for my well being and emotional health. It has always been a source of embarrassment for me, because I am a pretty private person and don't run to just anyone with all my problems. However, his behavior in public is not much better. He purposely embarrasses me by "blurting" our personal things to family and friends about our sex, home, and personal lives. His personality is very unpredictable also. Just when I think I understand or know how he will act, he turns on me and either totally blows up or withdraws. He also has a huge problem with letting me know where he is going and how long he will be. I thought I could buy him a beeper to solve that, but he just leaves it home. He has left me stranded on numerous occasions throughout our relationship. And when I have called for someone else to pick me up in that situation or help out with my car, he blows up at me. Or if he does show up without stating he is on his way--he yells at me because, "I broke the car" or it is my fault that I got us in this situation. (When honestly, most of the car trouble we have had--I have told him about ahead of time, and he has neglected or ignored my women's intuition that my car is "time bomb") Another issue with us is friendship. My parent were and are best friends. I have always told my hub he was my friend, and he has always told me I am not. Years into the marriage when the passion and sex had died down, this hurt so very much because he was continuing to spend more time with his buddies than me. When I would repetitively bring up, how badly I just NEED his friendship and need to be his friend, he yelled at me " Face it Bra(the only pet name he has for me, how endearing huh?)--You are NOT my friend, you never were my friend, and you never will be my friend, so just get over it and stop thinking you and I are friends!" And of course there are many, many, many other deep rooted issues here that I cant get into for lack of time. But the fact is that, we didn't fight much during the first two years of our marriage. We had a perfect "honeymoon period". I think it is because I was bound and determined to be the "perfect wife, mate, and partner." He has never "let me in and let me know him". He has told me he likes that he keeps me guessing and likes the fact that I don't really know him. And he has told me over and over that he doesn't and wont let me know him on the inside. This hurts me because after all this time, I should know him, better than anyone--and still I don't. I never have, and I cant go on in a marriage where I cannot be allowed to be connected to my husband 100% in every way and aspect of his life. I feel I could understand him better if he would just want me to be that close to him. He has said he doesn't want it. There is personal information, like how many girls he slept with, that is still a mystery. And personal things, some important and others not so important that I would just like to know, that he tells me is none of my business or that I don't need to know that because that is on a need to know basis. He thinks I am just nosy, but I have told him that married people share everything. I have, in the past given him that, total honesty about every aspect of my life. He has always held it over my head that he doesn't trust me. I have always had to defend where I was, who I was with, and what I was doing. Which I don't mind, cause, in the past, I never had anything to hide. But I expect it in return, which doesn't happen. About two years into our marriage, he invented, and imaginary boyfriend for me named "Vito". He torments and harasses me about him 24-7. It is HELL! I have told him over and over that it hurts and I was always faithful, in the past. My family and friends, however question his behavior and frequent time away from me. There have been situations were girls have gone after him, or he has danced slow with some of his "friends from high school" who he knew I didn't like. But I don't believe he would or has actually ever cheated on me in real life. I honestly do trust him, even now.<P>Now, two years ago, after living with this for six years of my life and our relationship, I sank into a very deep depression. I was bitter, angry, and frustrated. I did not understand or even know what verbal and emotional abuse was. I am a dance teacher, and have always been pretty thin. He always told me that if I ever got fat he would leave me. Once I realized just how unhappy and miserable I was in my marriage I subconsciously began turning to food for comfort. I gained 40 pounds in six months. But all this did was caused him to withdraw from me more sexually and emotionally. When I did ask for a hug or kiss or affection, he would wrap his arms me like I was bothering him, and he would pat me on the back and say, "ok bra, that is all ya get, go away." It hurt so bad, and I just turned on myself further. I became suicidal cause I blamed myself for his bad treatment of me, and our privately horrible marriage. I shared the situation of my horrible marriage with no one. I finally sought help, and was prescribed anti-depressants by my physician. It really helped me to be able to feel in control of my life, mind and body again. However, to him, this was only confirmation that I was crazy and delusional. I realized then, that I was absolutely miserable and unhappy and I wanted a divorce. Of course, I was scared to DEATH, to tell him, and so I told him that "I thought I wanted a divorce." Well he went ballistic on me, and told me absolutely not, he didn't believe in divorce and it was out of the question. He promised as he has soooooo many other times, that he would change. He was leaving to go into the army in two months, and he promised that he would come home a changed man. At the time, I was just so unsure, and unsure that I did actually want a divorce so I thought the four month separation of boot camp would do our marriage some good, and I did still really love him deep down so I agreed. But he totally refused counseling and I didn't want to go without him, cause I felt like I would only be tattling on him without him there to defend himself. We muttled through the next two months and he left. I literally, clicked my heels the day I dropped him off. I told my dad, "free at last, free at last, thank God Almighty, I am free at last!" During the time he was away, I partied it up. I began to drink and smoke heavily, my girlfriends and I would have drinking pajama parties I guess you could say every weekend. I realized that I had a problem with it, but it just killed the pain inside so well. And I was so empty inside. Finally after a bad experience with the alcohol and a month to my hubs graduation, I decided I had better stop and I did. When he came back, I was so excited and I immediately fell back into the same patterns of wanting to please him before pleasing myself. He had gotten very disciplined and was even harder to relate to or be with. He wanted everything to be military. He talked to me in military time, terminology, and as if in his squad. I really hated it cause I didn't understand most of it, but I loved him and gave in. We went through another two month "honeymoon period" where everything was fine and dandy. During that time, I felt I was through my depression. My doctor tested me and agreed that I no longer needed my medication. Then things began to get worse than ever, however, this time I was able to cope. I was determined to stay in control. I began to look at our relationship differently. I got my life straight with God, and came across a wonderful book, "The weigh down diet". That helped me loose all my weight. I felt great about myself, and yet still this was not enough. I bought new clothes and cut my hair, even dyed it blonde for him cause he nagged me for years to do so. He just complained it wasn't blonde enough or I was spending too much money (which was all my money, none of his) and trying to look too sexy. Sexier than him. He openly admitted to me in a fight that he competes with me and enjoys competing with me. I always knew he was a competitive person, but at that moment my eyes opened. He also said to me then, that I should face it we were just roommates who occasionally had sex. I should lead my life and he should lead his and I should leave him the hell alone. I saw my marriage for what it was, clearly and I wondered if it was abuse. I went through the next few months more wisely and looking for the patterns we seem to take. And I recognized the cycles we are constantly starting, but never solving, and starting, and not solving, and starting and so forth. In January of this year, I got the internet. I needed it for my business and college. He began to spend all his spare times in chat rooms. In one room inparticular that had the word "sex" in the title. I would walk in and he would click off of the person he was private chatting with. I didn't know much about it cause I had only been in a few Christian chat rooms, and it wasn't all that fun to me at the time because I was so busy with my business. However, I soon realized he was addicted. I would ask him who he was talking to and about what, and I got the usual response, that it wasn't my business. But it WAS my computer and my internet service registered to my business. In March, I discovered he was also hitting the porno sites in the late hours when I was asleep. He flat out denied it and it angered me. However, in the meantime, I realized that things wouldn't ever get much better between us and I guess I began to accept what I had known all along. I realized that I wasn't in love with him anymore because he didn't love me in the ways I wanted or needed to be loved. He would flat out tell me he didn't care. The hurt was so great that I had lost my identity once, and I wasn't going to go through that again. During this time in April, he was accepted to become a state police officer, which has been his dream. I totally supported him all the way in making this dream a reality. I felt that I shouldn't tell him that I had decided in my heart that I wanted a divorce. I had felt divorced from him for a long time. Afterall, we were just roommates who occasionally had sex. But there was all the excitement with family and friends because he had made the academy. And I was truly proud and happy for him. And I didn't want to hinder him or hurt from getting his dream in anyway, I only wanted to be a good wife and support him. And I figured it would be a final test for me to see if I wanted to or could handle living alone again. The academy was 19 weeks and he came home on weekends only. Once I had closed my business for the summer at the end of May--it left me with plenty of free time to relax and enjoy my computer. I learned all I could about the internet, how to research, find people, ect. Then I decided that I should find out what he was doing in that sexy chat room and what goes on in there. I was so uncomfortable at first, like I was spying on a neighbors house. But soon after I got comfortable, and I went in using his nickname. Well immediately I got girls private chatting with me. Many flirted, some just talked, but most offered cybersex. I realized this is why he had been so secretive about this. When he came home I told him, being the faithful wife I had always been in the past, that I went in there and met some of his friends. He acted kinda funny, but mainly like he didn't care. Then I told him I made some friends of my own as myself. He totally didn't care about that, saying "so what, now I can say your addicted to the net, wow!" My problem was that if he wasn't having sex, then he was spending time, with other women, that he could be spending with me. That did hurt, at the time. He told me he would talk to them about our problems, but he couldn't even open up to me and talk to me about our problems. But each weekend he still went in, clicked off when I came into the room, and was still hitting the porno sites. I have never been able to catch him with having cybersex and he has never admitted it. I did finally catch him with the porno cause he downloaded something to my desktop by accident. And after a few hours he did fess up and promised not to do it again since he knew I could find out. However, I have caught him three other times since and he has promised again and again not to do it. Now I am to the point that it doesn't bother me. I mean I don't care. I just don't like the idea of that coming into my house, on my comp., and the service my money pays for. But it doesn't hurt that he looks at it, which is the final sign to me that I don't love him anymore in that way.. I tried to hang on and get through the summer best I could. I began talking and making friends of my own on the net. It helped me because no one knew me. I could talk to the ones I trusted about my marriage without judgement. And my friends on the net help me so much that I was finally able to open up and talk to my parents about all that was going wrong in my marriage. I was so afraid my family would be disappointed in me. Because I have always done the right thing and been a good role model for my younger siblings. In June, this one friend and I discovered that we had a lot in common and really liked spending time together. I was very cautious at first and did not tell much personal info about myself to him. But eventually, we realized that we had feelings for each other, and if nothing else we would always be best friends. I struggled with this, because, I have never even considered being with another person. Over the years, I had been conditioned to not look at anyone else, because it always started a fight because my husband was so jealous. And I never ever would have an affair in real life, cause I wouldn't even considered it , cause I wasn't even looking. I wanted to be divorced and just be on my own and concentrate on work. Mainly, cause I never wanted to go through another bad marriage, loose myself, and be hurt to my core again ever. But this man was different, he was my friend and content with just being that if I didn't want more. He is in the service overseas, and doesn't get out until next year so, there was no threat of him showing up to hurt me. Now, I know, he could be lying right? Well, he has given me personal information such as his job title, rank, I have his work and home address, work number, his date of birth, where he was born, and the other places he has been stationed ect. I researched, researched, researched. I got into a military database, that I belong to, and everything on this man checked out. I am continuing to research him everyday and I check out nearly everything he tells me. But at this point, it is all been factual. I wont totally trust him 100% until the day I look into his eyes and see he is for real. But I trust him as much as I can at this point, and I believe he does me also. I have told him about me and my personal life. We are best friends, and yes I have fallen inlove with him. I do love him. It was so hard to admit and accept this summer because it is so out of my character for me to allow this to happen, but I couldn't help it, I fell for him and couldn't control how I was feeling on the inside for him. I have NEVER been so happy. In July, we began calling, it has only strengthen our bond. I believe he is my soul mate. I know that God brought him into my life, so that I would have some happiness and I would find out that all men aren't so hurtful. We do have the same morals, convictions, and share common beliefs. We have and are praying for each other. And he is patient and has told me he will give me all the time I need to figure out what I need to make me happy. And we have agreed that if we never meet, we will still be the best of friends, and know that we have something special that ties us together. I have told my mother and sister about him, and they were happy I was so happy. But alarmed because I am still married. ANd I, too, had a problem with the timing of this. They convinced me that I should only email my friend, keep it friendship for the time being, and give my marriage another go, even though they admitted they have never experienced such pain. It literally took all I had to hear that, and follow through with that advice. Because it wasn't what I wanted at all, I had given my marriage my all for six years. And they were telling me the one thing in my live that made me happy I couldn't have, and the one thing in my live that made me miserable I had to try make work again. I think they just didn't want me to make any mistakes I would regret and they wanted me to be careful. One weekend, my husband, was so hurtful and we fought. Feeling very pressured from my family to do the "right thing", and confused about my feelings as a result, I prayed and asked God what I should do. And I felt God was telling me to go in there and tell my husband for maybe the first time in our marriage, exactly WHAT I NEEDED. I was crying I felt it was all I had left for him, it was every emotion, every breath, every ounce of my feelings towards him. And I went to him with my hands up for him to hold me, and I told him I just needed him to be my friend, I just wanted him to want me and want to be my friend, and I told him that was what I needed. I told him I just needed him to be there for me, I just needed him in every way. He totally backed away from me, put his hands in the air, let me collapse on the floor, and he said he couldn't handle this and didn't want to deal with it. I had what I consider to be a nervous breakdown on the floor. He left me there, I cried out to him for him to come to me. Moments later when I collected myself, I as usual, went to him and asked what I had to do to get him though the academy and the summer. He looked me in the eyes and told me to stay the hell out of his way, leave him alone and not to piss him off for the next three weeks.. I took it once again, like I had my orders and I should be a good cadet and wife and follow through with what would help him. I will admit the last three weeks were hell for him, but I left him alone. We had stopped having sex earlier in July. We had had a bad fight where for the first time in my life, I knew what I wanted to say when I wanted to say it. I didn't let him confuse me or get me sidetracked. I was trying to explained that we were always starting these cycles that never got us anywhere cause he never wanted to deal with the problems of "us". He didn't agree and though it was all in my head, so I told my mom--and she told me"don't reward bad behavior" , so I stopped letting him hurt me with sex, just so he could be pleased and I could satisfy him and his needs yet in another way. It has helped so much because I am able to stand up to him now and not let him hurt me at all. He still tries to grab and touch me sexually. But about three weeks ago, Labor day week, he got out of the academy and did well, I was proud of him as a friend should be. The difference is that now all I want his friendship. My problem was that I wasn't sure if I was actually being verbally and emotionally abused. I always thought, sorry, that that was kind of a bull**** excuse for a spouse to leave a marriage or relationship. Afterall, I thought no one has a perfect relationship, everyone says hurtful things they don't mean, right? But after visiting your site and looking at your checklist, I could only say "no" to three questions. And the cautions at the end ALL applied to me , with the exception that he has never hit me. I do realize I am being abused. The situation now, is that I have told him that I do want a divorce. Which he took very violently breaking my phone and driving off in a rage. But once he calmed down--get this--he totally cleaned my entire house, down to placing my earrings back into my jewelry box and vacuuming under the couch. He told me he was willing to change. But he still absolutely refuses counseling of any nature..even online help. He told me he loved me and didn't want to be without me. Which really shocked me, cause I was almost sure he felt the same and wanted a divorce as much as I did. I told him honestly, because I didn't want to hurt him further and I felt it was the fair thing to do, that I wasn't in love with him anymore because he had hurt me so much that it had destroyed all the love I had for him. I told him that I loved him unconditionally as a friend, a brother, and a Christian. At that point , I still had my family pressuring me, so I told him that I wasn't going to kick him out but that I didn't have any answers for him and I made him no promises. So that was nearly a month ago. I am no longer angry or bitter. I want a peaceful amends and divorce. He sleeps in the living room, I don't change, or bathe around him. I also walk around fully dressed around him. I have tried to maintain a friendly composure with him, however , we continue to have little spats and words. But he says he is trying, and maybe he is. It is just that I do know what I want now, but am having a hard time going through with it. Not that I doubt, my decision, it is the confrontation I am avoiding. I am afraid to say the words "leave for good". It is so hard to think of his face, expression, mood--and worse of all, to know that I will be hurting him. And the idea of him actually moving out, just hurts soooo much, but it hurts because I know I will be hurting him, I hurt for him--yes, I know this does sound even ridiculous to me. please help me--how do I go about dealing with this? Are there any coping methods you could suggest for me in dealing with my not wanting to hurt him in this way? And please advise me on how to tackle the confrontation and actually say the words and have him leave. Thank you so much for ALL your time and patience.<P>jsk<P> <BR>

Jess, <BR>I'm sorry I don't have a lot of time tonight, but I have been thinking about your <BR>post and want to throw a few things out there for your consiteration:<BR>It really seems as though you have a kind heart and much (too much)? sympathy for your husband because of the abuse he suffered in his childhood, as if you feel personally responsible for making up for his past unhappiness. You no longer love him but just can't bear to hurt him, but the alternative is to say," here take my life". Too high a price. It truly is. I'm told that optimists will often stay in abusive situations longer <BR>because they tend to focus on the positives and down play the negatives. They hold on and hope things will change, often WAY too long. The severity of the abuse you are tolerating is staggering. You are describing a man who is exhibiting text book symptoms of very serious mental disorder(s). You may want to do some reading on Bi-Polar illness and <BR>Borderderline personality disorder, Also, you may want to look at a web site called <BR>Support-group.com to find much more help with your situation. <BR>You are in prayers,<BR>Peace, <BR>Kate

Thanks kate--<BR>i really needed to hear that. I realize what you are saying is true. And yes it is sooo incredibly hard. I just dont know the way out as of yet. I feel trapped as much so that i find it hard to breath at times. For example, today was our anniversary. He worked all day. It is usually this really big deal all week because we celebrate sept 28th also because that is when we met. But i realized that it is always this big deal because I MAKE IT A BIG DEAL, i remind him, i begin initiating loving plans to let him know i am planning something for him. I always try to make it really romantic. I even put on the same thing i wore on our wedding night. Now, today, he came home and said hello as i was working on a term paper for school. Then three hours passed and nothing. I realized i felt really hurt,even though i told myself that i wasnt gonna let him hurt me ANYMORE. He did try to come up and hug me and kiss on my neck.......but i froze i could hardly move i was in such pain. I hid myself in the bathroom for a long bath and a glass of wine. I heard the phone ring and it was his mom. Moments later, he opened the door and said "happy anniversary bra!" with smile. I immediately covered up and said, "good i am glad your having a happy one." And then he said "what you wanted to go out or something? Are you mad?" Anyway it just really hurt. I asked him if he was getting back on the comp to talk to his girlfriends tonight and he got mad. I know i was just provoking him, which was wrong, i feel bad now. So i left and drove around to collect myself and smoke a cig. When i returned an hour later he had been online and had composed 3 letters one of which was 12K. This really angers me. Thanks for your concern......i still dont know a way out...but yes i am a positive thinker......and am trying to find the LIGHT!<P>------------------<BR>

Jess<BR>Just wanted to share with you something I suggessted for Mare (in her thread "Withdrawl"). There is little gem of a book called "Soul Survival Kit" by Melanie Beatty<BR>that I picked up at our library. It truly helped me tremendosly. It is not religious per say, not full of "Daily Affirmations", cutesy quotes, or surface "Feel Good" things, It IS a powerfull guide to that light you are seeking. It will bring much comfort, and help you find your own unique path to healing.<BR>Peace,<BR>Kate<BR>

Thanks kate!<P>I will look it up. Now the bipolar thing....well I was diagonosed with manic depression and prescribed lithim and antidepressants during that bad time i described. This only affirmed to him that I was the crazy one. But he does have major issues and violent mood swings. I have never considered him to be the "crazy" one....thanks for that insight <BR><P>------------------<BR>

Actually Jess...<BR>I think we're ALL a little "crazy"! (Keep it under your hat). <BR>Truthfully, we all suffer from extremes of emotion from time time to time, don't we?<BR>Everyone is "moody" to some degree! I hope you had a VERY thorough examination when you were diagnosed BP. (Personal and family history trace, circadian Rhythm testing, ect...) And not just DX's based on symptoms exhibited during a period of extreme stress.<BR>Anyway... anyone who would use another persons illness against them in the way that you describe has, by far, the bigger problem. <BR>What I read of your situation is ABUSE. It may be the way H learned to relate growing up, but he is an adult now and there is NO excuse for such cruelties to others. I hope you have a chance to speak with someone who can validate that your feelings ARE true & give you feed-back and LOVING support. That's so important.<BR>Peace,<BR>Kate

My gosh, when I was little and living with my abusive mom I didn't even put up with that much... well I did because I just couldnt up and leave when I was 8, but I made sure I wasn't the only one living in hell (I fought her back). I know that isn't the same thing as spousal abuse but similiar enough for me to empathize (i think). <BR>It was hard to get away from my serverlly emotionally abusive mom too. <BR>When I was 16 I finally moved out in with a lady whose son I was dating (long story). She became like a foster mom to me. I remember wanting to go back with mom. It was so hard. I still had hope and (I still do) that she will be a better person. So everytime she was nice to me I wanted to go back.<BR>Kathy, my "foster mom", lived 30 miles out of town and I didnt have a car. I think the isolation was good for me. My mom would not drive 30 miles to see me and Kathy would not drive me over to mom's "just to visit". Kathy's advise was that I should only see mom in public. Because I didn't want to lose Kathy I obeyed.<BR>It took over a year for me to be able to resist wanting to go back to her.<BR>I still want to work things out.<BR>But as my husband said, MOM will need some PROFESSIONAL help before she changes for good. Her problems are so deep and servere and I am too close to her to help her. <BR>I think the same would go for your husband it seems...<BR>I also think that if I was in your position, I would leave. Do you have any close friends you could move in with? Close friends who would support you emotionally when you were dying to go back and work things out? <BR>I would leave if at all possible because if you stay in that house, you have all those memories. It is not neutral ground, not a new place to start over and begin to change your thought/emotional patterns. Too easy for him to come back.<BR>I think if you move out you will find you gain alot of self esteem too. <BR>I wish you all the luck and everything.<BR>feel free to email-<BR>You are probably a wonderful human being full of lots of potential.<BR>take care<BR>Jessie<P> <BR><P>------------------<BR>No god, no peace; know god, know peace.<BR>

thanks honey! yes i have a good support factor in my family i know i can depend on them for finaces and emotional support. And i know i could move back there if i had to. Today i was studying for a midterm, and he came and tried to snuggle with me in the bed. I natually didnt respond and let him lay there as i tried to joke around and keep things light. I then brought up the fact jokingly i didnt like what he did to me the other night. I still dont know how to react to this and my parents are very upset that it happened. He was cleaning his gun, and WAS provoking him teasing him about his"girlfriends" that he spends time with on the net. He told me to f*** off and leave him alone so he could get ready for work. I told him that i wanted to go to the range and learn to shoot. He joked and said, "why to kill me" and i said no never why would you even say that. So anyway i made another joke and pissed him off. I didnt worry about it cause i knew i started with him and was only joking so i went in my room to watch tv before going asleep. I could hear him shooting the gun without bullets. Then he came into the room with the gun in his hand it is scared me....because he is just very aggressive and demands all eyes on him anytime he enters a room. And i only had the light of the tv, and i immediately saw the gun and am sure my eyes popped out of my head as i immediatley became nervous and my heart was racing. He said here you want to shoot the gun, it doesnt have any bullets. And he leaned across the bed and handed me the gun by handing me the barrel and not the handel. i immediately pulled away and say no i dont want to touch your gun, i told him that i didnt want my fingerprints onit in case he shot some one on duty. He laughed and i told him to get out. It really shook me up, but then i thought well maybe i am making more out of it that what it is, maybe it was my imagination and he wasnt trying to scare or intimidate me with it. So i did decide to tell my parents that this occured. Now today when i asked him about why he did that making light of it, i told him i thought he was trying to intimidate me or scare me, and he said no that he was just trying to get me to hold it and he says omg it isnt like it was loaded, you said you wanted to shoot it i just wanted you to hold it. But it scared me..........i really have mixed feelings about that......what to thing is that a big deal.......or just me turning it into a big deal? what do you think?

ok now today after the gun discussion we started to talk and spat and fight. After three hours he got angry because i was telling him all the stuff i had learned of why we werent working and he took it that it was allll his fault. So i just started to tell him about my needs and why it hadnt worked and what i figured out but i couldnt bring myself to say anymore than, "i dont know a way out" he just listened and the he finally told me that he saw right through me and said you want to know what i think? He said he thought that i wanted a divorce but was too afraid to say it. And i told him yes.. i told him i was afraid of all divorce intails, the shame, the disapoitment, the finances i was afraid he would leave me with all the bills, and i told him the fact of him actually leaving left me feeling bad for him..he said not to feel bad for him he could handle it and that he wouldnt leave me with the bills. He said that if he stayed in the house he would pay all the bills and that if i wanted to move out he understood. (but i want to stay this i my grandfathers house and he wouldnt kick me out) And then he said that if i stayed i would have to pay the bills so it hit me that this was real, the end..and i then i started to cry really baul from my soul it hurt to admit this to myself in front of him....and he came over and held me like he has never done before ever, very tender and loving. And i could only handle about three seconds of his embrace cause it just made my heart feel like fire it hurt so bad to be so close to him. I got up and told him i couldnt handle that and went into my room. Afew min later he came in and i told just told him everything i told him everything i needed to tell him since the night i had the breakdown. About how i gave and gave and he just took and took. And how it killed who i really was, it killed the sweet loving person i like and know i am. And i said yes you always tell me "its all my fault" to make me feel guilty, but i am sorry, i said, "i blame you for doing this to me, i blame you i do" And he tried to rub my back and i just cringed. He started to tear up and i think he cried, my back stayed turned. But he said that takes responsiblity for his actions he never knew that he was huring me like this before. He said he could change and kept saying he was sorry. He said he never wanted to hurt me, he always wanted things to be good and loving between us. And he asked for a chance to change. He said he was so disgusted with himself he felt like he needed to throw up. I dont know what to do because all this sounds good but it also sounds like what i have heard before, however never to this extent, and it sounds like what every one tells me he would say. I told him that i did not love him and he had hurt me so badly i did not know if i could be in love with him like that again. He said he would do all he could, he would be there for me emotionally and be tender and affectionate and take care of my needs. he said that was how he always wanted to be with me. We talked about seperating and seeing if he could just see me outside of the house to see if he could cause me to fall back in love with him, but he didnt want that. He wants to stay and show me he can really change this time. I told him that i would be honest and tell him that even if he could be that person now, i still might not be able to fall back in love with him, and still might want to be divorced. He said he was willing to go through that if it happened, i have a problem with that cause i would just be hurting him over. But he said he didnt care he could handle it because at least i let him have a chance. I told him that i couldnt make any decisions. So finally he asked if i needed some time to think i said yes. he asked if i wanted him to leave for the night, i said yes. i dont think he thought i would say yes. he is going to a hotel tonight. i did finally ask him to go to counseling again and he said no, he still wouldnt go, he could fix these problems on his own. what should i do? I am so worked up right now i feel like i will vomit and i am totally drained--i am trying to contact my teacher so i dont have to worry about my midterm tom...thank you for your patience <BR>

Jess, <BR>when I read your last post it hit so close to home. My H refuses counceling....I think both our H's have deep seated problems that they dont want to face...denial. The mental anquish I have been thru. I am glad that you took a stand and told him that you need time to think. I hope he does change...I hope that one day he will wake up and realize that counceling doesnt mean he is sick...or that he is 100%to blame for troubles. Your in my thoughts Jess. Stay strong..and stick up for yourself.<BR>ruby

There is one quote I read in your original post which really troubles me, <P>"I know that God brought him into my life, so that I would have some happiness and I would find out that all men aren't so hurtful. We do have the same morals, convictions, and share common beliefs." <P>The other man who you met may have been brought into your life by someone, but it was not God. Whether or not you and your husband ever get things worked out is one issue, but starting a relationship with another man while you still are married is another issue altogether. God is never going to bring another man into a relationship between a husband and a wife. <P>You need to realize that this other man is only showing you the positive aspects of himself and because of your negative relationship with your husband, you are unable to see your husband's positive qualities. If your husband refuses to go to counseling, just go by yourself, but get there quickly. You may not be able to solve your problems, but your emotional affair with this other man is clouding your judgment. If you do end up with a failed marriage, you will at least have the satisfaction of knowing that you were able to focus on your marriage without the distraction of an emotional affair. <P>Because the computer appears to be causing problems with your marriage (you meeting another man and him meeting other women) GET IT OUT OF YOUR HOUSE! If there was a radioactive material in your home that was threatening your health, you would do it, so why are you keeping the very item that appears to be threatening your marriage. <P>I know that this post sounds very harsh, but you were very insistent that you wanted advice. Remember that this site is for marriage building, not divorce encouraging. You might also take a look at a site called "Divorcebusting," it deals with some of the same issues. <P>May the Lord Bless You and Keep You

Agree with everything IsIt2Late said! Very profound :-)<P>Wish someone had said that to my H when he was in the midst of his emotional affair on the Net!<P>

May I suggest a few websites, just for starters?<P>www.DrIrene.com<BR>Excellent information on abusive relationships for the abused and the abuser<P>www.onlinesexaddict.com<BR>Good source for addicts and their partners.<P>I am so sorry for what you're going through.<BR>

Jess,<BR> From the tone of your letters, you sound like an incredibly gentle, loving person, so what I'm going to say will sound harsh.<BR> What I have read here is EXTREMELY disturbing to me. It sounds to me like your relationship with this man has been a nightmare since day one. Yet, it also seems to have the endorsement of your family and friends, which really confuses me. Do they know the extent of what you are tolerating? <BR> I fear you are in danger, even if your husband hasn't hit you. His behavior sounds dangerous, at least to me, and now that he is a law enforcement officer, he is also armed. Your story about the gunplay ordeal sounds like a scene from a psycho-thriller movie; your husband wanted to scare and intimidate you. Let me ask you this: he said the gun wasn't loaded; what if really was? You said he has lied to you before...<BR> I realize this is called Marriage Builders, but marriage is not about sacrificing your safety. Find somewhere safe to stay, and go there. Then, if he wants to negotiate, do so on your turf. I would insist that if he wanted to reconsile, attending counseling is a non-negotiable part of the bargain. <BR> Like I said, this is probably harsh. I pray that God will let this cup pass you by, but by all means, PLEASE prtect yourself.

How's it going Jess? I hope its going okay.<BR>Remember you have been thru this much and you are a strong person. You will make it out of this okay.<BR>take care,<BR>Jessie<P>------------------<BR>No god, no peace; know god, know peace.<BR>

Jess,<BR>I've read your long, disturbing post. First, I have to agree with the poster who said God would never bring someone else into the life of a married person, no matter how bad the situation. My H told me the same thing-that God had brougt OW into his life-she was a light in his darkness-etc. But it was not God. <P>That being said, I must say I feel very bad for you. I'm not undermining your situation at all. You say you would like to see your H get counseling. It sounds like he is at the point where he realizes he could very well lose you-this might be a wake up call to him. Therefore, one way you might be able to presude him to get counseling is to tell him that unless he goes with you, the marriage is over-that you will not and cannot tolerate any more of the pain and turmoil the two of you are obviously in. Tell him the only way you can possibly see the marriage having any chance at all is if the two of you go to counseling. You can say you arn't promising anything but unless he agees to C, you can't see the marriage surviving. <P>In the meantime, you should let go of the om, so that if your marriage does end, you will leave with a clean counscience knowing you did everything you could without any outside disturbance. Good luck.