Oh no Wallace, please don't be mistaken. I am NOT going to let W get behind on support. I am going to ride her let a wild bronco. I have already contacted my attorney. I'm not letting her get away with anything. Lately, my son has been making some negative comments about me like " you are a bad father", "I don't want you looking at me" etc. I wonder why he is making these comments? I hope she is not speaking negatively about me to him or he may be overhearing conversations she is having about me.

Later.

Petvet,

Please help your Mom to understand that the money is for the benefit of your son. If you don't "need" it right now to make the monthly bills, then go ahead and stash it into a 529 college savings plan for him. Of course, if you need it for monthly expenses, by all means use it. It is for the benefit of your son and his household and your Mom should certainly understand that it takes a lof of money to keep a house going and to raise a child these days! Keep talking ot her about it.

Let me also say one thing, Petvet. Please don't hound your W for the money. By that, I mean don't turn this issue into yet another power struggle between the two of you. She owes it and you deserve it. If she doesn't pay after a reasonable amount of time, get the lawyer involved. Just don't nag and browbeat about the money because I have seldom seen that work to any good. It usually comes across as "sour grapes". Use the legal system if you must to get the money owed. That is fair and impartial.

davepr, hope you and your family have a most wonderful vacation. I am really happy you guys can all get away and have time to bond again.

Wallace, you are in my thoughts and prayers. How is the divorce coming? Any news or dates yet?

RMA

RMA, I agree with you. I have not hounded my W about money; I have done things through legal means where it is impartial and fair. Everything I have done has been above board. That's what has saved me and put me in such a good position and my W in a bad position. I think mom is ok with the support; her only concern was to not hound W for support because she may get mad and have me wacked. I have remained quiet and have avoided ant arguments with W even though she has tried to engage me in arguments. I have been all business and by the book. My reasoning for staying on top of the support is to let W know that I mean business and that I am not going to let her slid on the support. If I am firm up front, this will avoid problems later.

How are you doing?

Hi All,
I am still waiting to hear when my final court day is scheduled for, so nothing really new as of yet.
My STBXW is behind in CS payments technically since October of last year. But we are only probably going to go back as far as April of this year.
I'm sorry to say, but in addition to everything else... she doesn't pay any of her bills either.
But that is another story for another day.
CS is however one area that I'm not going to play games with my STBXW. She has stolen enough money from my family and now it is going to be time for her to pay the Piper as far as the money issue is concerned.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace, I agree with you 100%. Up until last Friday, my W had not given me anything in over seven months. Yes, they will pay the piper financially. People don't understand how this feel until they go through it themselves. Having to shoulder this D stuff along with finances is stressful. You and I try to do things legally and by the book. It will be over for both of us soon.The court date will be our wives day of judgement as far as the law is concern.

Later.

Petvet,
What is so sad about all of this... is that it didn't have to end the way that it is.
My STBXW has not been to one hearing, has not submitted one thing to the Courts.
She thinks if she ignores it, it will just go away.
We don't think she will even show up for the final hearing. I hope she doesn't... it will make things go so much smoother for me if she is not there.
I know one thing... when this is all over with... she is going to squeal like a stuck pig (no pun intended, LOL). of course if the shoe fits.
Your right in your statement... we try to do everything legal and by the book and they go on about their business like it's another day. Only for the moment though, we will have our day in the sun. This will all catch up to our W's in the end... make no mistake about it.
I have a feeling that when the "D" is finally granted it still will not be over. It's a gut feel, and I'm usually right, when I go with my gut feel.
Not sure what will happen after it's all said and done with, but I have a feeling the saga will continue.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace: You know something; you bring up a good point. Our saga will probably not end with our D, but it will continue with our W's in some fashion or form. They are not going to be able to handle the aftermath of this stuff. Oh no! I really think you have something here. The saga will probably not end. Dang! These women may be problems for us going forward. Oh well?

Later.

Petvet,

I have been up to my eyeballs in veggies. Right now I am putting up tomatoes, making salsa, made pickle relish and am shelling lima beans. Have been super busy at work, too. All is well with me. How has your garden fared?

Petvet and Wallace,

You guys will both have to deal with continued irresponsible behavior from your wives, even after divorce, unless something drastic changes in either or both of their lives. These ladies have gone through a trauma of their own, albeit it a lot of their troubles are self-inflicted. Yet, to date, neither has done one thing to professionally address their issues. They are proving that they can not constructively resolve conflict in their lives. Yes, you both should probably expect more of the same old, same old....

RMA

Hi All,
RMA... Glad to hear your garden is doing well. There is nothing like fresh picked veggies out of the garden.
Petvet and RMA... I have to agree with what both of you have said.
"Nothing changes when nothing changes"... and just because we will eventually be "D", the saga will most definitely continue.
I know my STBXW needs professional help, as well as spiritual help, of which she will seek none of.
Sometimes you have to wonder to yourself, what I'm I gaining from all of this?
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ July 25, 2002, 09:55 AM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Wallace: You are right, "nothing changes when nothing changes". Case in point, W came over two days ago and she was still up to her same old negative comments and criticizing just like when she was living here. Your comment rang true with me because that's what I was thinking about while she was running her mouth. I was saying to myself that I cannot and will not put myself through this mess again.This woman told Steve that she did not believe in counseling because her parents had been married over thirty years and she had not ever seen them have any marital problems plus they had never received counseling, so as a result, she did not understand why counseling was necessary. Her opinion was that no marriage should need counseling if it was any good, so if a marriage needs counseling it must not be any good. A priest said to me in response to what my W said, "she knows damn well that she needs help". Yes, a priest said this. He was the one who did our pre-marital meetings.He told me that he could tell that W wanted things her way and was not going to compromise. My guess is that when she remarries that she will probably treat her new man the same way she treated me, but he may respond in a negative manner from the way I responded. You made your best one liner, Wallace, "nothing changes when nothing changes". I am going to post that one in my office on the wall. Whenever I see her and hear her negative comments, I will remember your comment. It is an empowerment phrase. It helps one to accept what you cannot control. Please understand, I have been very quiet through this crap. I have allowed her to kick my butt because I don't want to damage my case, but once the D is final, I am going to cut loose on her and tell her to keep the ______ out of my life, and that I do not want to have anything in anyway shape or form to do with her. Of course, she is entitled to our kid and that's OK, but I want her to understand that we have a business relationship only because of son and no more. I have been very frustrated lately because I cannot understand how she can imagine that this thing is going to turn out well for her. It makes her look so stupid. Also, this living arrangement is killing my son. He wants his mother and me under the same roof. He told the counselor today that he blames me for everything. I am going to try to speed up this D,
so that I can disassociate myself from W as much as possible and move on. I DO NOT associate with people who treat me in such a bad manner. Why put myself through the torture? It's funny that whenever she comes around and starts her stuff that my stress level immediately goes up. I feel real bad for my kid. I wish that she could see what she has done. Oh! Go to AmericanValues.org and read the study on divorce. It's very enlightening.

RMA: The garden is going pretty good. We have received plenty of rain. I have pull green beans. I think I made a mistake and pulled my plants up thinking that they were weeds, so my veggies may be delayed coming in. My okra are starting to come in. I will check them this morning. I'm glad everything is still going well for you; I wish I could say the same for myself. Seeing how this mess is affecting my kid just kills me.

Later.

Wallace & RMA: you know something, I am seriously considering going for full custody rather than partial custody with me being the custodian parent.

Later.

Petvet,
I went to the American Values.org site and found it very interesting.
I read elsewhere that people who stay in a unhappy marriage and put forth the effort to turn it around... that over 80% of them have a happy marriage within 5 years.
It's a shame that our WW's have chosen the path that they did. They persist on ending the marriage by doing the things that they do.
They leave you no choice, but to get rid of them by virtue of a "D".
Your "W" sounds very bitter by what you are describing. I wonder if she is really unhappy about the decisions she has made and the things that she has done and is still doing and is taking it out on you.
Do you think she may be having second thoughts about what is going on? After all, this is "Tough Love", and maybe it's starting to work on her and she is venting her frustrations out on you because of the dilemma she has put all of you in. I could be way off on this one. What are your thoughts on it?
I'm sorry to hear that your child is blaming this all on you... over time that will change, just give it some time... it will work itself out. I know, I went through it, and my kids have fianlly seen the whole shooting match and they have drawn their own conclusions. They all love their Dad, and thye now know that I was the one who tried to hold the marriage together.
It all gets so tiring, going through the "D". There are somedays that I wish it would all end as soon as possible, and then there are other days when you just wished it all had never happened and you wish you had your marriage back.
My BIL is now in the middle of a "D", because of all the garbage that I guess I have been going through (I don't quite understand that, but I feel for him).
He told me that in his opinion... my STBXW would contact me in the near future and try to reconcile the marriage.
I don't see that happening... and I wish he wouldn't have told me that.
I know one thing... once this is over with... I'm never going to look back at it again. I have made up my mind on that one.
I am in full agreement with you about not wanting to be with someone who has treated you so badly. I feel the very same way.
Our W's need a lot of work. They need to stop and take a deep breath, and do a self assessment on themselves. I'm not perfect, I know what my faults are, and have been working on them to make me a better person (Plan A). They need to do the same.
Hang in there, this is a rough ride, but we will make it through, in spite of everything going on.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Petvet,
I forgot to mention this in my post.
Talk to your attorney, and ask him what your chances are about getting full custody.
That is a tough road to take, and your chances will be slim... unless you can show a clear cause or reason for your W not having joint custody... like murder, drug abuse, abandonment.
I think you get the idea... check with your attorney and see what he says.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Petvet,

You wrote: "Please understand, I have been very quiet through this crap. I have allowed her to kick my butt because I don't want to damage my case, but once the D is final, I am going to cut loose on her and tell her to keep the ______ out of my life, and that I do not want to have anything in anyway shape or form to do with her."

RMA reply: I can understand exactly how you feel when you made this statement. BUT.....haha, this is RMA< so you KNEW there was gonna be a BUT.....

Read this, Petvet. Right now, you are totally FILLED with unresolved anger. Every bit of it is justified, considering the circumstances. You have only been suppressing that anger for months now, as you have tried to work on first wooing your W back, and now working on the D. You have been stuffing all of your anger and frustration, and doing a darn good job thus far.

This anger will come out and should come out. That is the only way you can process it and eventually resolve those feelings. That is a natural step in the healing process.

YET.....I urge you NOT to purge yourself on your W. Look, the D is going to resolve some issues for you. Yet, the emotional struggle isn't going to go away because you two end up divorced. Purging and telling her off isn't going to make things better. YOU will feel better, no doubt, but your situation is likely NOT to be improved. Your son is struggling enough. The more things strain between you and his mother, the worse he is gonna feel.

Look, you deserve to unload and tell her how you feel. Just don't do it right after the D. Wait until you get to the point that you are well on the road to recovery. Hey, maybe at that point, she might even LISTEN, LEARN and CARE??????

I can relate, Petvet....truly I can relate to how you feel. But, seldom does telling the other person off make anything better, other than a brief period.

Take care, dear friend....RMA

Hi All,
I have been reading all 28 <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> pages of your posts over the last two weeks because my counselor recommended "Love Must be Tough" by Dobson, and your thread caught my eye. Your interaction and replies are very enlightening; thanks for sharing them with everyone.

I especially like the recent post by Wallace, "Nothing Changes When Nothing Changes". It is now my new slogan, to apply to myself and my STBXH. I guess it goes both ways, huh?
Anyway, it was a mini-revelation! Thanks again!

Avondale,
That is quite a bit of reading <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> .
Sorry to hear that your here, but you couldn't have found a better place and nicer group of people to talk to.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Avondale25, you have done alot of reading 28 pages. Wow! It is alot of sad reading about people who lives have been turned upside down. Yes, Wallace's quote is classic.Where are you in your D situation? Is your situation similar to ours?

RMA: Is it OK to freeze veggies that have been harvested? Do I need to freeze veggies in water to maintain freshness? What could be the cause of my melons not turning out melons because they are blooming? Someone said that they may need pollination?

Wallace: How's everything going? W is upset taht I won't hardly speak to her. I don't even say hello to her because I try to agnore her.

Later.

Petvet,

You wrote: "RMA: Is it OK to freeze veggies that have been harvested? Do I need to freeze veggies in water to maintain freshness? What could be the cause of my melons not turning out melons because they are blooming? Someone said that they may need pollination?"

RMA answer: Yes, you can freeze most vegetablers, but they need to be blanched first - barely cook in boiling water and then immediately drain and immerse in cold water to stop the cooking process. I don't add any water - just put in freezer bags and pop in the freezer. For frozen tomatoes, drop tomatoes in boiling water until skins rupture. Take them out and cool and skin them and drop in freezer bags. None of this is hard, just takes time. Usually blossoms that drop and no fruit or veggie does mean poor pollination. You have to plant several rows of these type to provide cross pollination.

This is a good diversion for you, Petvet. Keeps your hands and your mind active. Good!

Avondale, welcome to our "little" thread. These guys have come a long, long way in a few short months. You are more than welcome to become a regular here, too.

Wallace, hello to you! Your positive attitude continues to amaze me.

Take care all, RMA

OK RMA, lets take it r-e-a-l slow. I did not take a horticulture course in college, so please bear with me. CROSS POLLINATION?????????????This sounds like something similar to Y chromosomes cross with X chromosomes (I hope you aren't a science professor because I don't want to sound like a total numskull). I thought this pollination stuff involve bees. It may just be easier for me to drive to South Georgia along I-75 and raid a couple of those melon farms I saw a couple of weeks ago, or do I need to purchase a beehive, or I may just give in and purchase a $3.50 melon from Wal-Mart. This garden stuff does not keep me busy enough to relieve my tension concerning my D, but as Dr. Laura would say, at least I have taken control of my situation. There just is no easy way out of this stuff. I honestly think that the only way to get over this mess is to find another significant other to fill in the missing gap of love and affection. I really believe this may be true. I think Wallace has come to the same conclusion. You seem to have forgotten about your ex. My best friends w told me over the weekend that I am going to be amaze when I hook up with a mature woman and notice the difference in the way I have been treated. She said that she does not think I will have any problem finding another woman. Don't get me wrong, I am not looking to get married anytime soon again, but I would like to have a acquantence that I can talk to who likes and enjoys my company. I am going to be extremely picky. Who knows my W may come back, but I would not let her back into my life fully right away until she shows what her intentions are. I don't need the aggravation. I have to figure out a way to make this thing easier on my son; I have to find a way to always make him happy.

Later.

Hi All,
I got a call from my STBXW MIL. She had plumbing problems at her house and called me to come up there to see if I could fix it.
Against my better judgement, I went up and fixed their plumbing problems... took about an hour.
MIL informed me that my STBXW needs to answer to God for the things she has done, and it's a shame that all the years that we had invested together are going to be gone. I agreed with her on all counts and then left.
MIL called me two days later to thank me for fixing her plumbing... wasn't that nice of her? It took her two days to do this. She left the message on my answering machine at home. Needless to say I didn't return the call.
About 15 years ago a friend of mine told me that statement "nothing changes when nothing changes". I don't know where it originated from, but it sure sticks to many situations.
I didn't grow a garden this year. First time in many years. It probably wouldn't have made it due to the watering restrictions and drought we are in. It's hard just to keep the lawn looking green.
Well I got my court date for the fianl hearing, if they don't postpone it or kick it back. It's October the 22nd of this year. I was hoping that we could of had an earlier Court date... but oh well.
Petvet... filling in the missing gap... hmmmmm. I think you are correct about filling the void, but you need to be very careful. I agree that it might help ease some of the pain, but then on the other hand, it could cause more headaches that you most probably could do without right at the moment.
There is a gal in my divorce support group that I could probably go out with... in fact there is a few of them, but I have not pursued it. I know what you are talking about though, it is a good diversion, and it probably would help pull you somewhat out of the funk
I have got to work on me first though. I'm not going to do anybody any good, or make anyone happy, until I get out of this mess I'm in.
Of course once I've cleared the decks, then it's a whole new ball game.
I think there is still hope for your "M". Your W is showing some signs of weakness, that she may indeed be confused, and has not entirely made her mind up as to what she really wants. Of course she could swing either way with her emotions, so be prepared for anything... which I know you already are.
Stay Strong!
Wallace