Hi all! I've been very busy the last couple of days, so I had not been around to post.

Wallace: I'm glad you won your suit. It seems that the bank would have had common sense to just credit your account rather than going to court. The big banks are very cocky that's why I try dealing with community banks. Have you gone after your wife yet for CS payments? What has been the outcome?

Avondale: Steve Harley is great. If W had been willing to work with him, our marriage could have probably survived. She did not believe in counseling. The out of control reference to the garden means that things have grown up including weeds. What happened over the weekend?

RMA: I had some melons to start growing, but they started to rot. The heat is killing my garden. The only thing that is still growing nicely is the okra. You know something melons may like very hot weather with little rain.

Me: Attorney filed a contempt order last Friday, and I told her to file for a court date. Kid had a birthday party on last Saturday. I'm glad kid owns stock in Mattel because he keeps their Hot Wheels line in business.What bothers me about wifey is that she is going around as though she has done nothing wrong. It's like she picks and chooses what to block from her mine. Amazing.

Dave: Where are you?

Later.

Wallace, congrats on your big win <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />
I was also wondering about your CS payments... what's your plan?

Gardening - when we had melons we put them up on milk crates (or any raised thing will do) to keep them from rotting until they were ready to pick.

Petvet - you know as well as anyone the selective memory of those who choose to have one, especially WS. Wish I could do that as easily, there are plenty of things I'd like to block out! Tell us when you know your court date.

Update for me:
I saw hubby for the first time Saturday since he went to NY in early July; he is now back in town for a while. He came over to do heavy yard work (which is great). I thought it would be difficult, seeing him and interacting but it wasn't (had ppl praying for me). I didn't do the "tough love" thing, in fact, I may back track a little based on things that Steve said during my appt. last week. Will have to see...

Anyway, hubby agreed to give Steve a call to give his opinions for the bigger picture to help Steve work on me. I was VERY surprised he agreed to and can only pray he'll follow through with the call. I'll keep ya posted.

Hope everyone has a great week!

Hello everyone!....Well my weekend went pretty good. I had to drop some remaining things of my xw's at my SFIL house, they live about 4 miles away from me. My BIL had went to FL to my OD's graduation in May and this was the first time I seen him since then and we talked a little about his fun while he was there and then the subject came up about the my marriage crash, I said I guess you saw your sisters boy toy while you were there?, he said yep, I saw it all for my myself and she definitly cheated on you and shook his head.

Hours later I was in the backyard and my now xSTepMIL and xSTepFIL asked me privately what happened in the marriage, I said to myself, Oh boy!, lights camera, action, I'm in the spotlight now, I said there were several things that played a role, but I held back and blurted out a little and just said despite any marriage problem the answer is not to go cheat and have multiple affairs and I said yes, there were many OM's, they said well when you are apart its easy to be involved with someone you know, I said No, this is while we were in the same house 2 years ago, they looked stunned and changed subjects, boy toy was too much evidence to deny it, when my BIL went there he saw OM driving xw'a car 6 days after DV, my daughers in there pajama's around OM, the guy appeared to know his way around the house, so my BIL knew the story and also my sister said the same thing who went.

Well they wanted to know, I told them a little, my BIL saw the rest for himself, I can't hide her wrong doing.

After I got home I thought what a mess because my xw who was raped by her stepF when she was 13 here I am telling him about these affairs, he and his xw my xw's real mother is deceased 5yrs ago cheated him, he's remarried now, my xw held that rape over his head for 27 years, I wondered how he felt after knowing what she did now? earlier this year I told her she's need finally resolved that issue with him and she said had a talk with him prior to that, but now I guess he was probably surprised to hear what I said.

Hi All,
Petvet...
It is amazing what these "WS's" will selectively pick and choose what they will let seep through their minds.
They can remember every rotten thing you have ever done... but when it comes to them...they pick and choose what they want to remember... be it good or bad.
They certainly try to avoid anything bad they have ever done.
Keep us updated on your "CS" situation... it ought to be interesting.
Avondale is right... you need to get those melons up off the ground or they will start to rot.
Avondale...
It appears that you may a "M" that is able to be salvaged.
Your "H" is willing to get together with the Harleys... that could be a good sign that all is not lost.
I don't think you need to be in the "Tough Love" approach right now... I would work a good Plan A, and see what transpires.
I'll say a prayer.
EC...
I'm sorry to hear about the news you got from your in-laws and "BIL".
They won't be of any help to you, so I would try to say as little as possible to them as you can.
If anything they can only hinder any progression that you and your "XW" could ever try to make.
You can only sit back and let everything run it's course, and let whatever happens happen.
Take care of yourself, and try not to let it get to you... easier said than done.
In regards to my "CS" situation.
We are letting it all add up and we are going to deduct it from the final "D" settlement.
STBXW is suppose to be paying half of the tuition for my "YD's school tuition... which of course she has not, in addition to "CS".
So that will be added into the final settlement as well.
At the rate she is going, she won't be getting much, if anything for a settlement, but I'll cross that bridge when it comes to the Judge making his decision... you never know how they are going to rule.
I've heard rumors that she quit her new job, and has had her phone shut-off, so I would say she hasn't changed a bit.
B]RMA and Dave[/B]...
How are you all doing? Hope things are going well for both of you.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi Wallace, thanks for the advice, letting everything run its course is true, to get in the way of anything is a waste of time and energy. Its been almost 2 years now since xw has been in this mind frame I think she is starting to ware down eventhough she is still arrogant. For some reason I feel she still wants to be friends, I can't say she has said anything down that road, but it's like when a person wants to say they're sorry but to proud to say it, they may try to communicate it in another way, not saying she is sorry but she is trying to say she wants to be friends but won't come out and say it, she still has a wall up, she emails me about stuff that If I responded back it could start a friendly conversation, but I feel having a conversation with her she will think I'm accepting and approving her stand, but I refuse to give my approval......She made mention she's not communicating with me to get my approval if thats what I was thinking, hummm?

If she would ever say she was sorry and acknowledge her mistakes I could talk, until then, I keep her at a distance. I told her a week ago if she didn't treat me nice I could cut communication with her and be fine, in her eyes that meant 2-3 months again, I only talk to my 2 D's so xw learns of my progression through them, I think she see's me moving on, I remember I used to do the beg, cry and chase thing, eventhough we're divorced now I still think she wants me there for some reason, probably to flaunt OM in my face, but I'm not giving her the chance, she's a mean snake right now.

If my OD 18 was able to apologize then surely my xw is capable of the same thing, she's not stupid.

As far as the In-laws they have some twisted views on marriage, they were half drunk when they asked me so if that says anything...

Hi all! RMA & Wallace, thanks for the gardening advice; why did not the Extension guy tell me that gardening tip? Go figure.

Wallace: Like you, my W will prpbably have all the money she owes me taken out of the final agreement. IMPORTANT POINT: I am not signing any agreement until all monies she owe me are in my hands. We have some joint debt, and I want her part before I sign anything; otherwise, many people don't pay after the agreement is signed. Based on how she is handling the CS issue, I think I am warranted.

Avondale: BE FORE WARNED: My W agreed to talk to Steve to give a total picture to help me out. After the initial meeting, she did an aboutface during one of our meetings and has not come back. Please don't read anything into it because the WS uses the meeting with Steve to rant and rave about what the BS has done wrong in their eyes.

EC: What is done in the dark always come to light. Continue to work on you and do what you have been doing.

Later.

Hi Everyone, I have been out of town on business this week, hope everyone is doing well.
Wallace, congrats on you win againist the bank, that is great.
Take care,
Dave

Hi All,
I had a real mess going yesterday... car decided it wasn't going to run... so I had it towed over to the mechanics to have them work on it. Fuel pump went out on it and now I have to lay out a little over $600.00 to get it fixed
Also on Monday.. the Company I work for decided to just cut my salary by 25% because things are so slow here... I guess it's better than getting layed off.
I'm not happy about it and will I be looking for a new job just as soon as the "D" is final.
Had I not been involved in this "D", I would of walked out on them instead of taking the pay cut.
After the "D", I will probably start looking for a new job. Don't want to have anything interfer with my refinacing of my home and such... what a mess.
Just when you think things are starting to settle down... they get worse.
Petvet...
Unfortunately your 'W" sounds like my STBXW.
Mine has not, and does not, pay any bills.
She filed bankruptcy about 9 months ago without me even knowing about it.
Because of her past payment history and credit record, I will not be signing anything either.
I will not be transferring anything until all debts that she owes on are paid off in full.
Sounds to me like you are doing the same.
You are warranted, make no mistake about it.
EC...
Your XW appears to be trying to gain your approval... and if she can have you as a friend as well, then she gets what she wanted in spite of all she has done.
IMHO, I would keep her at a very safe distance until she acknowledges all that she has done.
You may never see that, but you don't have to be friends with her either.
I would keep your contact with her, cordial and all business... for the kids sake.
Your "XW" is like my "STBXW... she is to proud to admit to her mistakes.
There have been many mistakes that my "STBXW" has made... not that I'm perfect... I'm not.
I have made my fair share of mistakes in my "M", but nothing compares to what she has put forth in our "M".
I said in earlier posts... my STBXW has nothing to really be proud about.. in fact if anything, she should be ashamed... very ashamed.
I have not spoken to my "STBXW" in almost 5 months... and after the "D" is over and done with... I have no intentions of ever speaking with her again unless I absolutely have to.
I'm rambling and starting to vent, because this hits real close to home for me.
DAVE,
I couldn't do a bold face type on your name.
It kept throwing your name about 28 lines down the post.
Dave... thanks for the Congrats... it is appreciated.
Hope things are going well, it sounds like they are.
RMA and Avondale...
Hope things are going well for both of you.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace
Sorry to hear about the double whammy regarding your car and job situation. You're right, at least you weren't laid off and you're also very right about keeping the job while you're going through this financial stuff regarding divorce. I'll pray you'll be able to get something much better afterwards. What type of work are you in?

Hi Wallace, I think she is trying to get my approval, here's a peice of an email she sent after I said she don't realize the pain she has cause me through the affairs, she's still arrogant and won't take responsibility, she wants me to shut up and let her do her thing:

Her:

I don't pretend to know what you went through but
neither do you have a clue how your "hateful" comments for the last year have affected
me and how painful they've been.

And why do you keep bringing my man into the
conversation? Here you go again. You can't get him
off of your mind now can you? Every conversation we have ends up with a discussion about him with YOU starting it. Your jealously is definitely showing.

You won't even be civil for the sake of the girls. You'd rather argue. When I legitimately try to work with you think it's an act and start up with the name calling again. You refuse to let me live my life in peace. You would rather dwell on past events and make them seem as though they are yesterdays headlines.

Hi Avondale and EC,
My line of work has been primarily involved with the pipe, valve, and fitting installation and sales end of the construction spectrum. I have been a Plumber for more years than I care to remember... but I am now offically called a Sales Executive in the above stated area.
I had my own business in the construction area for 13 years.
I closed the business down because I decided I didn't want to play banker any longer for the Companies we were doing projects for.
I then went to work for a company that supplies these items to the construction industry... bad move.
After my "D", and when the economy picks back up... I will probably reopen the doors to my business.
EC...
Your "XW" sounds to me that she has absolutely no remorse for anything that she has done... so I wouldn't expect anything positive out of her anytime soon.
In her email she states that you always bring up the "OM" to her and that you can't get over it.
If in fact this is a true statement... I would stop bringing up anything at all concerning the "OM".
IMHO, you may be only fueling the flames of their passion for each other, and driving yourself further away from her by doing this.
I would keep all contact with her on a strictly business basis only.
Keep it brief, and to the point... a modified Plan A.
I think if she sees that your interest in her and "OM" is dropping... she may adjust her attitude and way of thinking.
I would not give her approval, that only validates what she has done.
I know many people will not agree with me on this, as there has been much discussion on these boards about forgiving and accepting your "WS" in order to heal yourself but that's my feelings about it.
You can forgive her if you wish, and in your own mind you can accept what is... but that is a choice you have to make, no one else can make that decision for you.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ August 28, 2002, 01:03 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hi all!

Wallace: Sorry to hear about your car and job situation. I'm expecting my car to hit the skids soon; I'm trying to save money to soften the blow. Yes, it is a good thing that you did not get laid off. If you think that you can make more money in your own business and spend more time with your kids, then go for it. Of course wait until the D mess is over.

EC: Just keep your distance from your W. Don't add more fuel to the fire. Your XW is just trying to make you jealous. Please don't let her play with your feelings. I know it is tough. Don't expect her to admit or have any regrets. You may just have to get on with your life. You have to take care of you. You deserve it.

Later.

Petvet,
Yea, this "D" has everything all messed up.
It just locks you into a state of limbo that you can't do anything about until the whole mess is behind you.
I am on the count down to the final hearing. In a way... I really can't wait to get past this.
There is probably going to be some massive changes made when this is all said and done with... as well as quite few surprised people when these changes are made.
How have you been doing?
I hope your car doesn't die out on you when you least expect it.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hello Wallace and Petvet,

I had decided to back off and stop adding fuel to the fire, when she refers to me making "hateful" comments thats about the 'OM'. In the past I always called him a slime sewer rat for sneaking in my house and how wrong that relationship is, but she thinks differently as you see.

A few weeks ago from what my sister told me while she was there at ex house in May that this OM has dreadlocks in his hair but said it looked very dirty and nasty, so I took a potshot lastweek and told my ex...."It's a shame you're walking around with a guy that has a dirty Octopus on his head, I'm sure its full of spiders and flea's". <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Well she didn't like that. She said leave her man out of it, I said ok if thats what you call a man.

Anyway I went back and regrouped my thinking and prayed and told the Lord I was sorry for giving her such a hardtime even though she never said she ever been sorry for nothing. He's fought the battle this far I need to let him continue. As I said she wants me there to talk, but what her plan is,is to be friendly with me and we can start talking often, but then in her subtle way she'll slip OM in the picture slowly by mentioning his name getting to me to accept him, gaining my approval, I know thats what she wants but I won't give in.

I do talk to my daughters but make no mention of ex, I'm sure ex is still trying to talk to them as a teenager rather than a mother with some moral values. If ex ever needed to notify of anything about my D's she has my work and home number, she don't have email me. She just knows I won't except OM over the phone because I won't listen to her, to her advantage she can try to email info about him.
I'll try not mentioning him,see what happens in the future...Thanks

Hi all!

Wallace: I know you will be glad when this mess is all over. I know you are excited about the future.

EC: You are doing the best thing by limiting your coummunication with her. Dreadlocks? She has chosen a winner and someone she can probably control. Your kids are not around this guy, right? Please tell me no.

Me: Last night, wifey had big news for me. She does not have an attorney. Apparently, she used up all of her money in her retainer and could not replenish it. As a result, the attorney dropped her. What makes this bad timing is that my court date was going to be this month (the date I'm not sure of).My question is if she cannot pay this attorney, how is she going to pay another attorney. Since this thing is a contested D, it will cost her more than $500. As you well know, there are attorneys who advertise that they can do an uncontested D cheap. Also, she has a court date soon concerning contempt for not paying
child support. Lately, she has been very conversational. Yesterday, I attended a family get together given by her cousin. Apparently, few if any relatives know about our marital issues. I feel as though I am in a spin cycle that won't end.

Later.

Hi Y'all,
Hope you're having a good holiday weekend. I'm just trying to stay busy with all this free time...didn't realize how free time can be both a blessing and a curse, ya know?

Petvet - does the fact that your W can't afford an attorney put you in the "power seat" for legal maneuvering? Could it play in your favor at all, or will it complicate your matters even more? (I hope the former and not the latter.)

Avondale: I think it's going to complicate matters. It does not make sense to me. If she does not have an attorney, I'm going to get accused of taking advantage of her. My big question is why would you not pay your current attorney because she will have to pay a retainer to whoever she uses and once an new attorney finds out that she lefted her old attorney due to money, they will surely want to receive their money up front. Also, why would her attorney not give her a payment plan since he has had her as a client for close to a year.It does not make sense to me. My gut feeling is that more was involve with her decision other than money. She still has not sign the temporary agreement. It just does not make sense.

Later.

Hi All,
I don't know about any of you but my Holiday weekend went by way too fast... hope all of you had a good Holiday.
Petvet...
I have to agree with you... I think it is going to complicate your "D" proceedings, especially with the "CS" contempt proceedings.
If your "W" does indeed have a new attorney, he will more than likely ask for a continuance.
The Judge may not give it to him, but there is always that possiblity.
Concerning the temporary agreement, why do you think your "W" hasn't signed it?
Do you think that she may be thinking that if she doesn't sign it, she won't be liable for anything?
Your "D" is starting to turn into one that is almost as ugly as mine is... that's a bad place to be... hopefully you can get it turned around.
Have you talked to your attorney concerning these latest developments?
If not, I would get in touch with him and see if he can't shed some light on this present situation.
EC...
Yor "XW" sounds like she picked a real winner for "her man".
We have noticed that there is a common denominator with these spouses when they take up with their new "SO"... they take about 10 steps backwards.
It is all too common, especially when they step into a relationship soon after leaving the "M" for dead.
In most cases it doesn't last and that may be one of many reasons why she wants to keep you on the back burner.
I would continue doing what your doing.
I would not validate her "OM"... let her live with what she has done.
Avondale...
I agree with you as far as having too much free time, it can indeed be a blessing or a curse.
Hopefully more of a blessing, I know what the mind can do, when it has too much free time on it's hands.
How are things going on your end?
Dave and RMA...
Hope both of you are doing well.
If you have an update let us know.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Wallace: My weekend was busy. I could not wait for the holiday to be over. Holidays are bad for me right now. Maybe in the future, I can enjoy holidays again, but not now.

Me: Wifey came over yesterday and spent nearly four hours at the house playing with kid. She made herself at home(shoes off, the whole nine yards). She told me that she had gotten a part time job. She has no intentions of paying me anything. I just want to be through with her.

Later.

Petvet,
This has got to be tough on you... with your "W" coming over and spending the day at your house and just acting like it's another day.
Does she have anything constructive to say while she is at your home?
If she didn't then I'm sure this past Holiday was rough.
As far as "CS", did she come right out and tell you she had no intentions of paying you anything?
I have a real legal mess on my hands as well... with my STBXW not showing up for any of the Court proceedings.
It is goiing to take months if not a couple of years to untangle the mess she has left... and with no cooperation from her whatsoever, who knows how this whole thing is going to shake down.
Keep talking to your attorney, I know I am.
Stay strong!
Wallace