So now we know that EC turns into Elmer Fudd after midnight <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I'm trying to think of what gifts to suggest for your daughter's birthday...at that age they always want cash but that is so impersonal. Any chance of you seeing her on her birthday? I think I recall that you were having improved communications with her this summer. Whatever happened ?(you probably posted it but I missed it.) I bet she misses you more than you realize. There is a bond between daughters and dads that is VERY hard to break, and even without regular communication, it will renew itself easily. Hang in there!

Hi All,
Well my OD19 laid a bombshell on me this weekend.
It ticked me off so much I posted a new thread on it.
I could just spit I'm so angry.
relady...
Letting, and getting it all out,
is one way of helping yourself heal... and as you said... it does make you feel better after you've let it all out.
If you think that contacting your "H" would be painful... then by all means don't do it... at least not until you feel that you are in a safe zone for yourself emotionally.
RMA...
It's good to hear that you and your guy are doing well.
You must be one of the few that had your garden turn out so well with the drought conditions and all.
Thank you for your prayers RMA.
Yes... it's 3 weeks away until the day.
My emotions are way up there right now... and I know it's not a good place to be.
I'm leaning on the Lord as much as ever now... and Satan is very busy... not only in my household but many other people's homes as well.
I feel it's going to be a very rough ride over the next several weeks, and the fun will only be beginning at that point I'm sure.
It is very much like a death. I've ran through just about every emotion conceivable since it all started.. it's gets better though as time goes on.
I'm glad your here to share this with.
Petvet...
You are the man.
I truly admire you my friend... you have come so far, and you have endured so much.
You allowed me to come to your thread when I was at one of my lowest points.
With no where to turn... and with no answers... You, RMA, and Dave helped me more than you can possibly imagine, as well as all the other people who are too numerous to mention... and I will never forget that.
I pray that your "W" will respond to your letter in a positve manner.
If I thought that there was one slight chance to save my "M", I would of done the exact samething you did.
I know this isn't what you wanted.
You and I have been running side by side as far as wanting to save our marriages.
My battle has been lost, and it's time for me to retreat from this battle to heal from the wounds that have been inflicted.
Hang in there my friend, it's not "over" until you say it's "over".
Dave...
Thank you my friend for your kind prayers as well as the wisdom that you bring to these boards.
You hit a bump in the road, as I'm sure there will be many.
You are on the right track... keep doing what your doing, and as tough as it is... you will make it.
It "will" get better.
EC...
It's a shame that your "EX" has put you into the position your in concerning seeing your "D's".
There is probably no easy solution to get past that if the "OM" is that dangerous
"shhhhhhhh... I'm hunting Wabbit"... j/k.
You are so right about "Mind your own business you big bunch of gossipers" ... that's how twisted these "WSs" think... LOL.
Avondale...
How are you doing?
I've seen some of your posts... and with everything you have going on... you are handling things very well.
Keep up the good work.
Nitehawk...
I too would like to welcome you to "MBers".
I am amazed that you have read this whole thread... that's a lot to read.
I read the whole thread as well... of course it wasn't quite as long as it is now.
I think Petvet could make a miniseries out of his thread.
I haven't read your thread yet, but I will... and i fully agree... the "BS" is always made out to look like the bad guy.
Sorry to see you here, but you have found a good place.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Y'all
I am totally in the pits. I found out that H is out of state visiting OW. After actually having hope for us because we were communicating, then getting the separation papers somewhat unexpectedly after 7 weeks of inactivity, I feel like I've given a stronger kick in the gut. And to top it off, I have a strong suspicion that H has used some 401K money which should have played into any settlement to pay off a personal credit card. I don't know if this is finally reality coming to land on my door or what. I was doing great with everything until now <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

I will see him on Friday per previous agreement to work on the dreaded taxes. I plan to ask about his timing of the separation papers (remember, he signed day before anniversary). Part of me wants to ask if he's made any trips lately (he mailed support check from airport out of town). Yesterday Steve Harley gave me some pointers about conversation along these lines, without being combative. But I'm scared I won't remember any of the right words. I'm not prone to angry outbursts but I am so POed right now. Hopefully I'll cool down before I see H on Friday.
I am so discouraged <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Avondale,

It's OK, I'll just jump down into the pit and bring you out. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Don't be discouraged, there is always hope as long as you are communicating. Actually, you're not sure why your H went out of town to see OW!

Don't allow your emotions to dictate your actions, or your mind to entertain thoughts that can be of no benefit to you. Nothing is what it seems!

IMHO, when you see your H, I definitely would not ask about trips out of town. If your communication has been great lately, allow him to do the talking and be a great listener and he may just tell you.

And only be POed for 15 more minutes, otherwise you will be exhausted on Friday. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Also, read my post on CaJunky's Prayer list and your discouragement will disappear.

Take care,
relady

Hi Relady
Thank you sooo much for the encouragement. I did read your post on Cajunky's prayer list. That is like the third time I've seen that book recommended. Guess I'll have to buy it. I've already read "Power of a Praying Wife".

I had a pretty rough night last night and didn't go to work today. But I did stuff around the house I enjoyed, and am trying to not mope. I'll keep your 15 minute limit for POedness in mind <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Will see H on Friday afternoon, and still not sure whether to slide his trip into the conversation (maybe so, in a little "hit and run" style), but I"ll keep your advice in mind. I definitely won't ask outright, for sure.

Thanks again!

Avondale,

You are too funny! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

You already know that WS's are the authors of the "hit and run" style, so you probably won't succeed. And it could hender any further open communication. Remember, WS wants to have an A, but can't take having it rubbed in their faces on top of the guilt they already feel.

Sorry, you had a rough night, but after 25 years, you are entitled to them, just remember the 15 minute rule.

I strongly suggest you get that book. It will definitely keep you focused on you and the Lord.

IMHO, On Friday, I would also suggest, you look like a million dollars and act very nonchalant, and by all means, don't be reactionary. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

relady

Hi All,

Ditto to what relady has already stated.

It's hard when things like this come out of the blue when you least expect it.

It's like getting hit in the back of the head, it just puts you into a daze.

Keep the lines of communication open with your "H" and try not to "LB" when you meet with him.

Petvet, RMA, Dave, and everybody else, where are yoooooooou?

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hey Petvet!! Could you email me and tell me a little about your situation? Mine may be a little similar to yours.

I was on this board a while back under a different name but am back- and sorry to say that my situation is actually worse now. I am the bad guy I guess- left my husband in May for a woman. H and I went to court on the 12th of this month and were granted the divorce. Throughout this whole situation I have had a nagging feeling in my stomach that I was doing the wrong thing- even in terms of what I wanted. I have however been very blinded by this other person- and little by little over the past few months the sparks have lessened (as my logical mind knew they would)- I have always known that it wouldn't last because I know that very few affairs ever do.

SO........

The typical thing is happening now- I want my husband and family back. I know that we have a lot of work to do- but I am willing.

Glad to be back here.

Hi all! I'm so sorry I have been away off and on lately. I am soooo exhausted. I am hagging on my the skin of my teeth if that. I am so worried about my child. He is having so many problems in school and I am not getting any answers on how to resolve this problem. He has taken a turn for the worst big time. I just don't know what to do. I never have enough time in the to do anything. I have to make my life simplier.

I feel bad that this thread has been in existence for so long. It sort of happen this way. I know it is a soap opera; unfortunately, it's not fiction. I would not wish this on my worst enemy. I just want to be happy with my son and live in peace. My life has been a hell hole for five or six years. I cannot give up because my depends on me.

Wallace: I hope your daughter is not making your life more difficult. I think you are feeling alot of pressure like me because so much has been placed on our shoulders; unfortunately, our bodies (mentally & physically) are beginning to break down.All the outside presuure from family only make things worst. You and I realize that our wives will probably continue to be pains in the butts. One thing we need to do is to associate ourselves with good people.

Avondale: I understand your hurt and expectations. I would recommend that you not expect anything from your husband. I would get a clear understanding what your husbands intentions are , so that you can act accordingly. I think that he is trying to be friendly to you for his ego, but he taking care of his business of hooking up with someone else and starting a new life.

Candybar: What are you going to do now since the fog has lifted? Are you contemplaing going back to your husband?

EC: Your exw has lost it. She expects people to just overlook her lifestyle and weird beau. I was so exhausted that I did not even catch the funny cartoon antics. I wish I had your positive attitude about your situation. You appear to be a very grounded individual. I hope you are getting along with your life. You deserve a good life.

Later.

Hi again-

Although I left my husband for a woman- I think in my case the gender is not a real issue. I have always considered myself bisexual.

Anyway- I broke off the other relationship for the sixth or seventh time the other day so I know that I am in the midst of infancy here in terms of getting anywhere. This time feels different though. The pain of "withdrawal" doesn't feel like it is approaching- I think a lot of the stuff that brought the withdrawal on has passed. I am trying now to start forgiving myself for the mess that I helped create.

Our 2 children are doing well at the present time and we have agreed (H and I) that we will not discuss any thoughts of reconciliation to them because we need to take things real slow. H of course is quite skeptical.

H had made it very clear at the time of my decision that we needed to separate that he was not going to leave the house- and that he would fight me for custody. We also happen to live right next door to his parents and sister- so I decided that my leaving would be the best. I did not want to disrupt the kids lives anymore than what already would be. It was the hardest thing I have ever done. (kids are 10 and 4)That was 6 months ago. I see the kids almost every other day-liberal visitation- and have them the usual every other weekend and one night a week. Initially I lived with the other person- but that went sour quick so I got myself an apt 4 miles away from the marital home. I was a stay at home mom and went back to work full time after 14 years. H bought me out of the home so I have been able to make a nice home for myself- but I am somewhat in a fairy tale because I cannot afford even the place I live. I am surviving off the equity money. I knew that I would need to until I made more money..

Well- that's where things are now- my situation has been a true Jerry Springer episode- if the details were discussed most people would find all 3 adults here pretty dispicable- but I am trying to recognize our humaness and learn from some of the mistakes.

Hope everyone has a good day.

Wallace... How are you holding up? Are things any better with your daughter, now that you've gotten over the shock? At least you know where she is, I have no clue where my son is. You've responded to the "flameing" posts very admirably, btw. You're a strong person to not return fire with fire, you've given very level-headed responses, and I wanted to be sure to let you know that.

Petvet ... How old is your son? You've said he's having problems before but I can't remember the particulars. Any way we can help?

<small>[ October 03, 2002, 06:55 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi Petvet and the gang!!

Thanks for compliment Petvet but I hurt and suffer just like everyone else here, I have more good days than bad, I feel I'm on the other side of the storm now, I can look back now at the damage. I think what happened with me at the beginning was WW had her many A's at once she chased me off and with many OM's threats they became an army of adulters...I felt so low at that time like a slug in the road I could have just melted and washed away. In that time of need my strength came from the Lord to get back up and believe I was worth a million dollars in society when I had nothing and lost everything, feeling worthless....

Ps 18

17 He delivered me from my strong enemy, and from them which hated me: for they were too strong for me. 18 They prevented me in the day of my calamity: but the LORD was my stay. 19 He brought me forth also into a large place; he delivered me, because he delighted in me.

Its ODD but exWS's ran to my rescue first before BS's to help me. At that time I didn't know anything about what a BS was or WS, all I knew was either one spouse was faithful and one was a cheater, so the converted cheaters, as I knew them helped me and gave me lots of info until I found this site.

Hang tight you're going to make it, as you know it gets better with time!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

HI Wallace,I read your other post regarding your daughter. I am sorry for the situation,not exactly what you needed after everything else. Personally, I don't think you are going to change her mind, kids sometimes need to figure things out on their own, even though we as parents know from our experience that it is wrong. I think all you can do is to love and support her, not the behaviour, but her as a person, kinda like Plan A.
I hope everything works out.

Petvet,any reply regarding the letter?

I am going to be MIA for a while again, going to the beach with the W for the weekend, leaving this PM, fist time we have been away without the kids in over 4 years. Gradma is in town and watching the kids... Traveling all of next week (Mon-Fri, <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

Take care everyone!
Dave

Hi All,
Petvet...
I'm sorry to hear of the problems that you are having with your son.
I'm sure your son is feeling the effects of what has been going on just like you have.
I know this whole mess on my end has had a profound effect on all my children... as you can see with what has just transpired with my OD.
It's difficult juggling work, and spending quality time with your child, with all the wonderfulness that is surrounding you I'm sure.
I've tried to make my life as simple as possible in order to try to juggle everything that is going on. Sometimes it's easier said than done.
I would however try to make a real effort to try to spend as much quality time with your son as you can. They will sometimes open up to you at that point and tell you what's bothering them.
Hopefully you can garner enough info from him to try to head off any additional problems that may come up.
I have to agree with you... I think we are mentally and physically starting to wear down.
We both have been at it for quite awhile and it does start taking it's toll on you.
With my OD leaving, it didn't help anything. I'm sure it was taking it's toll on her as well.
As far as our wives being pain in the butts for sometime to come... I have to agree, I think I am going to be wrapped up in her garbage for a few years to come... mostly from a legal standpoint.
Have you heard anything from your wife concerning the letter you sent her?
Hang in there, it will get better... it has to... can it get any worse?
Avondale...
I'm holding up O.K... thank you for asking.
I did talk to my OD the other night by phone, but I don't know where she is staying.
So I am in the same boat you are in as well. I don't know where she is staying... I think she already moved in with "BF".
I think she had already committed to an apartment before she left... and before she gave me the news that she was moving in with her "BF".
By the way... thank you for the nice compliment.
I expected many more flames than what I actually got.
How are "YOU" holding up?
I know that was quite a jolt you received the other day?
With these "WSs"... expect anything, at just about anytime.
You can try to prepare as best you can for what they are going to do next, but it's very difficlt to anticipate what they are going to do at any given time.
Just guard your feelings as best you can... for they surely will have no consideration for them... at least not while they are running around in the fog they are in.
EC...
The way you described how you felt, brought back some painful memories.
I... like you... still feel the pain and suffering like so many of us here, but it does get better as time goes on.
There are those good days and bad days still.
In time I'm sure they will start to level out.
Keep posting the Bible versus as well... I don't have a Bible in my office... and it's always refreshing to read scripture no matter where you are.
Dave...
You are so right about not changing her mind.
There comes a point, when you have to just let go, even when you know deep down it's most likely not going to work out for the best.
Have fun at the beach... and I hope things have leveled out concerning the situation with your ex-friend.
candybars...
It sounds like you are trying to put your "M" back togehter.
If that's the case... congratulations!
Is your husband open to reconcile?
I noticed that you said you broke it off with the "OW" for the sixth or seventh time. Do you think you can get past the withdrawls this time around and make a go of truly putting your "M" back together again?
I hope you can... keep us posted.
RMA and relady...
How are you both doing?
I hope all is well.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Candybars,

There are several women posting on the General Questions section: Kily and hopeful_person, who are in a similar situation. HP had a long term affair and divorce is final, but the fog has cleared and she is trying to get back with exH. Kily is dealing with a similar situation. You might find that they can help you and you can help them.

In any event sorry for breaking in here, but I thought you might find it something to consider.

God Bless,

JL

candybars,

Welcome to the thread. I echo Wallace - it is wonderful that you have the desire to repair your marriage. Your children can only benefit if you two can make a successful marriage this time. It really boils down to Plan A, doesn't it? Treat your exH as if he were a guy you were trying to woo and attract, because he is. I would think your biggest challenge here is going to be trying to temper your own expectations and frustrations as your exH eyes you up and down twice with distrust. Know that you will have to earn his trust. It will be doubly hard since you are bi-sexual. You will have to guard yourself from both mean and women. Are you in any counselling? It is important o be able to critically and truthfully assess yourself for both your strengths and weaknesses, to help you ID problems that lead to your affair. Keep working on knowing yourself better and improving yourself. If you are honest and sincere, and you truly put in the efforts, you may be able to put together an enviable marriage with your exH. Pray that he will be open and receptive, and give it plenty of time.

Petvet,

Sorry to hear about your son. Look, he just doesn't understand and is likely having problems understanding it all. What does his counselor say? What is he/she advising you to do? Is his mother a part of the counselling?

Don't beat yourself to death. You are doing everything for him that you can. His hurt is really starting to show.

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Petvet}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
Wallace,

Sorry to see the post about your daughter. My experience with young adults is this: you are responsible for imparting good values and modelling those values for your kids. Once they are over 18, unfortunately, they are considered adults, and responsible ofr their own decisions. I think it is important to share how disappointed you feel about the choices she is making, and WHY you are disappointed (religious convictions, whatever, etc). Yet, I also think it is important to let her know that you love her and always will. Yet, with love, comes YOUR conviction of not helping to support a lifestyle that you do not condone. In other words, you cut her off because by not doing so, you violate your own convictions and morals. Leave it at that.

Also, I'd make it clear that she is always welcome around. You don't want her to think that she can't ever come home because she made a mistake, do you? You must leave the door open, so that if she decides she made a huge mistake, she will know that she can come home and begin to make things right.

Really, it is how you are treating your WW, isn't it? You don't condone or support her behavior because it violates your principles, but yet, you have left the door open for a very long time in case she wants to come home and being to set things right with herself, you and the marriage.

Tough Love is truly in order.

To all else, Hello and thinking of you all.

JL,

Thank you so very much for adding that advice to candybars. I get to see so little of what goes on here, so your input will be greatly appreciated by her, I am sure.

Also, I invite you to add your thoughts onto this thread. You have so much to offer and we have collected a wonderful group here that post encouragement to each other. Your wisdom would also be appreciated.

RMA

Hi All,

Friday at last, I hope you all have a great weekend.

Petvet

Sorry to hear about your son, it's difficult to be around the stress of parents in a DV and not be effected by it. Once he sees peace reestablished in your life, I'm sure things will get better..

As for your tread. I'm certain it was somewhat painful and healing at the same time. Although, I'm relatively a newcomer, I feel like I know you all personally. I have read every page and every post and it was God sent for me, as I'm sure it has been for others as well.

So hang in there, when you get to the end of your rope, tie a knot and God will show up.

Wallace

I'm doing great.

How is your daughter? These 19 yr olds, who can figure <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> I was just informed that my 19 yr old niece is dropping out of school with her boyfriend to continue their education in New York! (Yeah Right)

Avondale

This is the day you're meeting with your husband, Right. NO OW TALK, OK. BE <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> LOL

RMA

How are you? Hope you're well.

Candybars and JL welcome to what I think is one of the best threads on this forum.

As for me, I have still had no contact with H. Each day I am fully understanding what it means To Take Care of Me and To Be Strong. Now that I have more time to spend with the Lord, He has been revealing things in my heart that I had no idea was there! Each day I get stronger and more confident. There is no way I could except my M the way it was. I thought I was being a loving wife when in actuality, I was a doormat <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I am beginning to see that once you start working on yourself, there is no time to wonder what the H and OW are doing. I am a full time job in me!

God Bless You All,
relady

Hi All,
RMA...
I think my OD is mad at me for not accepting her choices that she has just recenlty made.
I talked with her the other night, but haven't heard from her since.
So I'm not sure which direction she is heading with all this.
She knows that she was making a bad move, but she went ahead with it anyway.
I have left the door open for her to come home when it starts to become too much.
She knows I love and care for her, but all I can do now is just hope and pray that it all turns out for the better.
I guess I'm in a "Tough Love" situation with her as well as with my STBXW.
It just gets crazier as time goes on.
I'm heeding your advice.
Petvet...
How are things going with your son?
Give us an update when you get a chance.
relady...
So far, I haven't heard another word from my D since I last talked with her the other night.
I had to snicker when I heard about your niece. Hopefully your niece will get her education in a school instead of somewhere else... it does sound a little suspicious.
I as well have had no contact with my STBXW.
During this time of healing, grieving, and all the other emotions associated with going through a "D".
I have become much closer to the Lord.
Without him at my side, I'm not so sure I would have gotten as far as I have.
He has shown me things as well put things in my heart also.
I... like you... could never go back to the "M" that I had.
I guess as time goes on, this is all somehow revealed to us.
You sound like your heading in the positve direction.
Keep up the good work,and let the Lord lead you down the path he chooses.
Avondale...
I hope your meeting with your "H" went well today.
Hope everyone has a good weekend.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Petvet I'm kind of concerned cuz you haven't posted lately. Are things OK? Just know we all are here for you...an update on your son would be helpful if you have time and inclination.

Relady Sounds like you've got the vision, using your time to work on you. That's great! I also used my time to clean things around the house I hated to do, like under the burners of the stove. Yuck!

Me My meeting with H went well. I didn't get disgusted by mental pics of him with OW, I didn't LB at all, and yes, relady, I kept <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> about what I knew! All in all, things were positive in that it was pleasant and he agreed that we need to talk because he's never given me a reason for this whole separation/OW business. In fact, he halfway agreed to talking to Steve Harley, not for reconciliation purposes, but for himself and to see how to go on with this decision he's made towards divorce. We'll see how & if that appt. might work out, but he did seem agreeable to possibly talking further, which is a good sign. I'm not getting my hopes up, though. I just keep praying his eyes will be open to this stupid deception he's fallen into. The whole time we talked, I just felt pity and compassion for him. Not love, but regret for what he's doing with his life and family. Oh well.

RMA, are you doing a fall garden? We used to plant spinach and broccoli which were hearty and easy to harvest and freeze

EC, Dave, everyone <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> ...hope y'all have a good weekend and enjoy yourselves.

Roll Me Away- thanks for the words. I am in counseling and have been in counseling most of my adult life. I am also in AA and have been sober almost 14 years.

One of my counselors felt that my attraction to woman in my marriage has been related to the lack of oral sex in my relationship with my H. I know that H and I have some sex work to do which is yucky. We have never been on the same page with regards to frequency- I have always wanted more than him but I was willing to compromise so long as he was giving and considerate when we were intimate. I have been with many men and never have had an orgasm via penetration so I have always needed oral or manual stimulation to be satisfied. What started happening with H was I was always taking care of him- he would be satisfied- and then would make an excuse or just fall asleep etc and I would be left with nothing. I've been through the whole gamut- made myself extra clean, attractive etc--to no avail. Then to top it off I was feeling emotionally neglected and boy- a woman did look better- especially because -hey- they look a lot better too!

H and I have done some marital counseling but never enough to do any real work and that is what I am hoping we can do now.