Hi all!

Many of you know my trials and tribulations through the fifty pages that have accumulated since last fall. As you remember, I have made numerous attempts to reconcile with w even dropping my suit only to have her refile against me five days later. YOU MAY WANT TO SIT DOWN FOR THIS. When w brought son over this morning, she told me that she wanted to speak to me. Well, she asked me whether I would attend a meeting with her pastor. Of course, I said yes. I was floored. I AM SCARED TO DEATHHHHHHHHH! I sense tells me that I am being set up. Keep this in mind: w apartment lease is up at the end of November or December, court hearing next week, and a revealing interrogatory forth coming to her attorney within three weeks. Do you'll understand what I am saying? I have put her out of my system. I am not dropping my suit until I know and can verify a change by her. DAVEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE, WHERE ARE YOU?
I am being set up I know it.

Later.

Hi all,
Petvet,
I'm somewhat stunned over what you posted.
I'll bet it threw you for a loop as well.
It is very understandable to feel the way you do.
The question you have to ask yourself is what positive changes has she made since all of this started.
I can understand why you are very suspect of the whole situation... I would be too if I were in your shoes.
Has she said anything lately to make you think that she is taking a turn for the better?
I stated earlier that I had a gut feeling about something coming up concerning your situation... I still can't put my finger on it yet though.
Good move... agreeing to meet with her and her Pastor... but be ready for just about anything at this point.
Let us know how your meeting goes.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Petvet

You can still change your mind about going with her to see her pastor. You can tell her that you see no valid reason for you to go with her. But that is up to you. Who knows, it may turn out to be that you are being set up for some network marketing scheme <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Good Morning All,

Petvet

I can certainly understand your shock. Did you ask her what the talk was about? At least that way you won't be ambushed. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Regardless of what the talk is about, you certainly wouldn't allow her to return home when her lease is up, that's only two months from now. That wouldn't be enough time to observe a change in her behavior.

IMHO, before the meeting, I would pray and ask God to speak through me at the meeting. And by all means don't allow the pastor to make you feel intimated into doing something you don't want to do. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Pastors have a way of doing that, because we respect their office. If that happens, explain her behavior so he will have a clear picture. Because in reading about your stbxw, she probably has told a slanted story.

Let us know when the meeting is so we can be in prayer with you as well.

God Bless,
relady

Petvet,
I am not totally surprised by this but lets find out what the topic of discussion is.. I think it is fair to ask her ahead of time what she wants to discuss - reconciliation, anulment, etc?
Then, lets take it one step at a time... if this is about reconciliation, then obviously there
is alot of work that she is going to need to do/prove before you could agree to even
consider something. For now, I would keep my gaurd up, it is very easy to fall into the
trap and get hurt again, believe me.. and even if she was serious about reconciliation.. sometime the withdraws from the OM are too much to handle, etc..
Let us know.
I am praying for you.
Dave

Petvet,
Wow...but this meeting could be ANYTHING, right? Don't jump to any conclusions. I agree with Dave, ask what the purpose of the meeting is. There are a zillion different scenarios going through my head, as there are in yours too, probably. If the meeting happens, it will be a great time for your reserved, cool demeanor to shine through. Don't let your emotions slip through unless you want them to. Relady was right, don't be intimidated by the pastor, but do listen to what he has to say and judge it yourself.

When is the meeting? I'd like to be praying for ya!

TMCM ...Do you somehow have access to the Amway personnel roster?? I heard it had been missing, LOL

<small>[ October 30, 2002, 04:40 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi all!

Thanks for your responses. I don't know what my w wants to talk about. I will ask her what the topic of discussion is. If the pastor tries to talk me into letting w back into the house, I will tell him why I am cautious. I am sure she has given him a slanted story. Keep in mind that I have been trying to get her to resolve our problems for over five years. I am very guarded. I have no idea when the meeting is; she has to make an appointment. I'll let you'll know.

Later.

Petvet,

Well, well, well!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

OK, here is what you need to do. Yes, please do ask what the meeting will be about. Please do be open-minded to her response, as it could be about a reconciliation attempt or it could be about a friendly divorce. Either way, you owe it to yourself and your son to hear her out.

My thought is what it has been all along. Your W has not 100% left your marriage emotionally, Petvet. She just wants to spend too much time at your home, around you and with the "family". Can't you see that this still meets an EN need for her? She may not recognize it as such, however. Those WS/divorced folks who want to remain friends want this - for you to continue to meet their ENs in whatever ways they want. This is what I see with your W. I am also sure she wants you to continue to meet her financial needs, as well.

Go to the meeting, but that does not mean a stopping of the legal process, until you have a REASON - a GOOD REASON to stop it.

Reconciliation attempts do NOT necessarily mean restoration of marriages. Yet, I think from oservation on this board for the past 3 years, most marriages are restored and made better when there is sincere effort by both parties towards reconciliation. That doesn't happen the first day reconciliation begins, either. But, eventually, when both put in the effort, the results begin to show. Both of you want to be sure before the divorce goes through that all efforts have been exhausted, and in your case, your W has never even tried to reconcile with you, yet.

Push for this meeting as soon as you can before the 11/7 court date!!!

MANY prayers coming your way today!!!!!!!!!

RMA

Hi All,
I just wanted to say that this thread is coming up on it's "one year" anniversary in about 13 days.
I also need to let you all know that I appreciate you all being here... wish it was under better circumstances.
Petvet...
Anything developing as of yet concerning your meeting?
My prayers are with you my friend.
Hope everyone has a good weekend!
Stay Strong!
Wallace

<small>[ November 01, 2002, 12:47 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Petvet, any updates on the meeting with your wife?

Wallace, how many dates do you have this weekend? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> (sorry, couldn't resist, just teasing)

I will see H this afternoon and am open to talk to him about son wanting to spend his inheritance to purchase land from weird guy--from another thread... see Separation/Involvement w/kids=contradictory?-- I think I will play it by ear, and see what kind of mood H is in. But I am more open to telling him now than I was when I posted it.

Hope y'all have a great weekend! The leaves are turning here in NC and it's beautiful.

<small>[ November 02, 2002, 05:28 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi all!

Thanks Wallace for reminding me about the one year anniversary. I knew it was close to a year. As Wallace said I wish it was under better circumstances.

Not only has w not told me about a meeting date, she called yesterday to ask me whether I knew about anyone hiring. Her department is being downsized in February. Acoording to her, her department will be receiving their despensation packages on Tuesday. As I said before, I wonder about her sincerity in reconciliation. She told me that she has to find another job; she said that she may have to work in a grocery store. I told her several years ago that she needed to get more education, but after about a year of studies, she dropped out of school. I know several people that have been unemployed for over a year.

Avondale: Please don't let your son waste his inhertiance. I recommend that you tell him that if the money is squandered it will not be replaced.

Later.

Hi Y'all, I know this is longer than my usual posts, but I have a dilemma.

On Saturday, H came by with support check. He brought up the fact (which I had reminded him of several weeks ago per S Harley) that we never had a chance to "talk" about our marriage (and I had felt he "owed me" a reason). You may recall, he has not really told me anything serious enough to warrant separating after 25 yrs, just vague babble. He wants to talk this Thursday evening. Originally he wanted to go to a restaurant, but I've had second thoughts due to the fact I might get emotional. I haven't had any outbursts from the very beginning, when he mentioned OW 15 months ago. But at this point, I think I might. So I'll offer him dinner at home, or to come over after dinner. Remember, we are somewhat guardedly friendly, but not friends (thanks to RMA's definition <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> ).

I could really use some advice. I have no idea what he will say. He is still totally in fog. I have NO illusions that he is going to say something about getting together. He seems happy in his own little world, and to be VERY honest here, I think I am a happier individual now that he's gone. I realized a month ago that I no longer love him (the person he has become). I believe I could love him again, but he would need to make a very radical lifestyle change for that to happen. I hadn't realized how oppressed I had become, feeling like I never measured up to his academic standards, he was drinking quite a bit, and -most importantly- the foundation of our marriage was one based on a very strong walk with God (which he no longer has at all, nor does he desire). Sooo...here are my questions, which I'd like feedback on, if you can:

1) Do I want to know details about the OW and her family (or if she has one)? This may be my only chance to ask, would I always wonder in the future about her?

2) Am I wrong for not feeling I should "push hard for" reconciliation? I know it seems against MB principles. Above all else, I DO want to be able to look back and feel I did everything possible to make it work. But H told Steve Harley that I was meeting his EN's and didn't LB, and he had nothing to complain about too much, so there isn't a lot of material here for me to improve upon. Unless he changes that story, ultimately, it's up to him and he's calling the shots. But then part of me thinks, "If we DID get together, even just to talk, could we work on things? Could God use me somehow to get through his fog?"

My personal opinion is that he is unhappy because he is not in the same place spiritually that he once was. He's an adult, and only he can make that right. (I don't want to preach, not sure if we all share the same religious views here. But suffice it to say, he's done a 180 from what we believed for the last 25 years. My beliefs are the same, but he's taken a MUCH more liberal view of all Biblical interpretation, including divorce.)

So Petvet, we both have big days on Thursday. Thinking of and praying for you will help take the edge off what might be coming for me. If anyone has time to answer, I'd appreciate it.

<small>[ November 03, 2002, 04:10 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

avondale,

WOW! What a thread this is turning into! You know, you are being given a chance here. A chance to peek inside the brain and heart of your H, as he obviouisly has something he wants to share with you.

Meet with him and have an open heart and an open mind, avondale. Like I told Petvet, this could be a meeting to begin ending things or to "feel out" reconciliation. You won't know until you go and listen to what he says.

I will give you this piece of advice, avondale. You are not required to come away from this meeting with any final decisions about anything! Please remember that! Do not commit to anything - divorce or reconciliation, until you have a decision firmly planted in your own heart. This is a meeting for your H to talk and share some things with you. You can react, but try not to ask too many questions at this point. He wants to talk....so let him. Please let him lead the tone of the meeting. He will likely share more with you without you asking then if you ask a question or 2 every few minutes.

As for you asking questions about the OW - look, sometimes I wish I had never had the urge and need to know so much about her. It HURTS to have your H talk about the OW. Just be sure you can deal with any info you might receive, before you go asking for it.

I don't think pushing your S for anything ever works, avondale, especially when it comes to reconciliation. If he isn't ready and you "push", you just get a half-baked effort that is doomed to fail. If you want, you sure can let him know that you are still open to reconciliation, if you truly feel you are.

Pray that God will give you wisdom, courage and fortitude! You are likely to need them all!

RMA

Hi all!

Avondale: I think it's interesting that your H wants to meet with you. I would recommend that you play it by ear. Based on his demeanor, you will know what question to ask. You just need to be open minded with no expectations. I wish you luck.

Me: Today was a bad day. As you well know, w asked me on Wednesday whether I would be interested in meeting with her pastor. I had not heard of any response. On Friday, she called to ask me whether I knew of anyone hiring because she was going to be laid off early next year. She told me that she was going to be receiving her despensation package on this Tuesday. Well
yesterday, she called to tell me that she wanted to pay a visit to see kid and to speak with me. She came by this afternoon and immediately started playing with kid. After a while, she spoke with me and asked me whether I wanted to stay married to her. I told her is but we would need to fix the problems we had in marriage first. She agreed to see pastor or marriage counselor. She was acting real nice. About a hour later, she said that she needed me and her to come to a sign agreement concerning cs to avoid Thursday's hearing. When I told her that I was not going to sign anything and intended to follow through with the hearing, she got very angry in front of the kid and proceeded to argue with me about money. Kid was very upset. She immediately lefted the house. I tried to talk to her down stairs in the garage with reason, but she got even angrier and responded with "FORGET YOU" as bolted from the house. She says that she does not have any money to pay me. She has thrown all financial issues involving kid and joint obligations on my shoulders. I told her that she keeps complaining about not having any money to help me, but she won't even help me with half of the kid's doctor and medication expenses. We are talking about co-pay amounts of twelve, ten dollars etc. It does not appear that she is being genuine. I knew that I was being set up. After w left, kid said, "you and mom were fussing, I thought you and mom were friends". I kept hugging him. I am furious at my w's actions. I feel as though she was putting on a pretense in order to better herself financially.

Later.

Hi all again!

Part II A of this saga: In retrospect after a restless night, yesterday was the third time w has tried to get me to sign some sort of agreement prior to a court hearing or mediation. This is prime proof that she has not change one bit. What made me even angrier was the fact that she said the reason she wanted to reconcile was because the kid said that he missed his mom and wanted her back home. Granted I don't doubt that fact, but he has wanted his mom home since the day she lefted. Where I come from people used the term "through". Well, w is "through" in my book.

Later.

Hi All,

I hope everyone had a great weekend. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Avondale,

It's great that your H wants to talk about your marriage. I'm sure you're running a gammit of emotions right now. IMHO, I would not try to figure out what he's going to say, you'll drive yourself crazy.

Can you handle knowing about the OW at this point? And how will knowing benefit you? Two important questions.

Be a good listener, and don't think too much about how you will answer. Pray before the meeting and allow the Lord to use you. If it's reconcilation you should push for, He will let you know. So again, I say remove emotions and be <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Petvet,

Isn't it interesting how the Lord will reveal things to us when we're patient <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> If we're just quiet and listen, He will handle all those sneak attacks. I believe your wife wanted the meeting with the Pastor for you to sign the agreement before the hearing. I guess she'll use anyone to get what she wants.

Sorry your son had to hear. Hugging is good <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Me,

Nothing new, still no contact. Oh well <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

Wallace,

Kidnapped again, huh? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

RMA

I love the way you allow the Lord to use you in your posts here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Davepr

How are you? Where did you disappear to?

God Bless,
relady

Petvet,
I'm soooooo sorry that happened, but better now than later. I guess you were right all along, and you've seen your W for what she really is. It's too bad your son had to witness her at her worst. (How old is he, I forget??) If she doesn't pay, will you be able to handle things financially by yourself? Is it a matter of principle that she help with co-pays, or more than that? I am glad today is a new day for you after yesterday! Hopefully Thursday will go in your favor!

<small>[ November 04, 2002, 12:56 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi All,
Sounds like there is quite a bit going on all of a sudden.
avondale...
Ditto to what RMA and Petvet has stated concerning your upcoming meeting with your "H".
Prior to meeting with your "H", say a good long prayer asking the Lord to lead and direct you through your meeting.
I would prepare yourself mentally for this meeting and work a good plan A., no matter what comes forth during the course of your meeting.
I'll be saying prayers for you, and I hope it's a meeting that moves things in a positive direction for you.
How many dates did I have this weekend?
<img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> I had... let me think... I had two actual dates with my "lady friend". We had dinner out on Friday night, and she made me a very nice dinner at her home on Saturday. It was a very nice weekend and I'm looking forward to a lot more to come.
I told you I would keep you up to date <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />
Petvet...
As much as I hate to say this... IMHO, I think your wife is trying to play you by the sounds of it.
She appears to be a financial mess... much like my exW is.
My exW use to come back and reconcile with me only to try to get her financial ducks in a row and still carry on her "A" behind my back.
I'm seeing a very similiar pattern starting to try to develop here with your wife.
Your wife is acting much the same as mine did when she first started her garbage up... be careful.
RMA, Dave, EC, and relady... I hope everything is going well for you today.
Stay Strong!
Wallace

Hi all!

Everyone: Thanks for your concerns. My kid is six, and I really feel bad that he had to hear the fuss. I am going to try to stay clear of w.

Avondale: In response to your ?, paying part of co-pays and medical is part of mediation agreement which she has not obided by which is the reason for the court hearing on Thursday.

Wallace: Two more dates! Hmmmmmm. Sounds interesting.

Later.

Hi Everyone.. hope all is well... just have a minute as I am at work..
Petvet, sorry you are going through this...
Avondale, I hope your talk goes better..

Me, well biker W called and left a long message on home voice mail today about sorry it has been so long since they have talked, when can they get together, etc... guess we know what happened to the letter...

Take care,
Dave