Hi All,

EC...

I think there is some commonality with ex-spouses and their spending habits.

They feel like they are in a fantasy world already... so they manage the rest of their lives in the same vain... especially when it comes to money.

The WS do in fact reap what they sow. I'm a firm believer of the old saying... "What goes around... comes around.

Keep those lines of communication up with your YD/OD and just maybe you will be able to show them that a stable enviroment is available to them if they wish to pursue it.

relady and avondale...

Indeed... neither of you are the same person any longer. What has happened in your lives changed all that.

Not only did you both change, but your spouses changed as well. You two are changing for the better, and are working to better yourselves. Can that be said about your spouses? At this point in time... they probably haven't changed for the better in any way shape or form. If and when they do... you will know it.

Until that time comes... keep working on bettering yourselves and your lives as well... which I know you are both doing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

The key... is try to stay as active as you possibly can with things you enjoy doing. Idle time... can be brutal... at least it was for me.
I always had something going on... I even listened to talk radio when I would go to bed at night. That was my way of not letting my mind think about what was going on. I prayed all the time as well, and immersed myself in scripture.

I admire both of you... you both have come a long way... and your getting stronger as each day passes. You may not feel that way at times... but trust me... you are.

relady, You know something? My "lady friend" hasn't given me the coat I gave her for X-mas back yet. What's up with that? LOL

Avondale, Never say never... I don't want you to eat your words... LOL

Oh, by the way... what was it that you deleted on your one post? Thought I forgot about that...Huh? LOL

Petvet...

I agree with your statement about being in Limbo.
It's almost as bad as D-Day, on the other hand IMHO, I think its just as bad.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hello everyone on this thread ....

There are some great discussions going on here. I wish that I had the right now to read them, but I am chaufer extroidinaire right now. It's pretty overwelming driving D to all her classes, some 25-30 miles away! She had been involved in a car accident & cant drive the rental car.

I am keeping the appmt with the attorney on the 31st. There may be more severe consequences of WH's actions than I thought. Filing will just help stop some of the damage, some it wont protect. I can't go into a lot on that subject right now.

It's been overwelming the last few days with all that I have had to do, cope with, and attempt to keep a peace about myself so that I can keep a clear head to make the best possible decisions.

Right now, I feel like my M is over. WH is so far down the (wrong) path it's not even funny. It really hurts to be goind in this direction but it hurts more to stay. 22 years is a long time & I've known him for 27 years.

The bad part is that there are so many "issues" , financial, business and otherwise that have to been gone thruough. It wont be an easy road as the reprocussions will last years and that's not even considering emotions.

The other day, I was thinking about this thread, and it does seem like a lot of entrepreneurs here. I like this thread & still have lots to read to catch up with everything. Maybe someone should make an audio book so that it could be listened to in car! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

relady I am ready for the convertible in sunny Florida! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

ec That is great that you are able to talk to your D's about what has happened. A flood gate may be opening! It's like the guy who held his finger in the dike. After a while it gave way and all the water flowed out.

wallace In looking back over your posts, you talked about getting a lien on your house & didn't know it. How does that work? We just refinanced so I know WH hasn't done anything but just curious.

It's also interesting that your XW was "sober" for 12 years. Actually there is a difference between sobriety and being dry. Did she go to a 12 step program during that time?

Thank you for the idea to have all the money WH has taken out of ATM's and not really accounted for it to be part of what he would have recieved in the settlement!

Tampa Bay some day?

Good night to all and GO TAMPA BAY

d.

Good Morning everyone,

WGTT...

The lien on my house came compliments of my exW filing for bankruptcy.

Since her name was also on (now my house) the house at the time she filed bankruptcy (without me knowing about it). The Bankruptcy Court filed a lien against the house in order to secure payment for her creditors based on the equity that the house had accumulated.

Long story short... I had to pay $10,000.00 to the courts to have the lien removed from my house to satisfy her creditors, based on her percentage of ownership and equity of the house. ExW didn't pay a dime, or make any attempt to rectify the situation.

In regards to my exW being sober versus dry for the time she stopped drinking. I think in looking back at it all... I personally believe she was a closet alchoholic for a very long time. I really don't think she ever quit drinking... there may have been drugs involved as well. I just wasn't able to pick-up on it. She was very good at deception. She went to AA for about a couple of months and then stopped. She said she didn't need it... because she wasn't an alchoholic. It was an uphill battle from there.

Since my football team is in the AFC West (Go Broncos... I don't see that happening anytime soon) I'm going to have to put my money on the Raiders... as much as I dislike Al Davis.

Raiders by a field goal... LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Hope everyone has a great day and a good weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi everyone I've been spending the last few hours reading allthe replys on this thread,outstanding advice. I have a question, I am in the middle stages of my divorce with my W. She has left me for Best Friend. I wasn't meeting her EN and when I have come out of my "fog" in the marriage she already moved on.

My W is nice to me all the time. She is always upbeat when I come to get our children wether BF is there or not. She always has positive things to say about the kids and appears extremely happy. I have a hard time with Plan A when I see her acting so happy.

How do I continue on with this? She hasn't once considered any counseling or reconciliation. She is happy with what she has and does not want to come back. The kids and I are a mess. Now today the house has been sold so I have 45 days to move out and find a new place to live. I hit rock bottom and she is flying as high as a kite. I dont know if she is hurting inside and wont show it or she really is this happy.

The divorce is so amiclable it's sickening. She doesn't want hardly anything just the child support she is due and half of the house proceeds. I do not have an issue with any of that I want to provide for our children as best I can. It's just that its been 5 months sense I found out about the affair and she has moved out when I found out. She constantly says that she doesn't want to see me hurt and only wishes that I move on with my life. After 14 years with her, she is making this sound like a business transaction and not a marriage.

I have to see her twice a week and BF at work at least 3 times a week. I'm finding a hard time to stay in Plan A and would like to know if she feels she has her cake and eat it too or should I start moving into Plan B? Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi all!

FeelingAllAlone: Firstly, welcome to the thread, I'm sorry to hear about your marital problems. After reading your post, the first question I have is why are you not going for custody of your kids? Or, do you want custody? She was the one who left the marital home not you. I know that you and your kids are hurting. The WS usually act like your wife until they hit rock bottom, but as long as they are in the fog, they think they have done the right thing. Buddy, you are being too nice. I guarantee you that if you turn up the heat on her, she will not be calm and collective. I would advise that you get counseling for you and the kids to work through issues about the separation. Why did you sell the house so quickly?Do you have an attorney? I think you have been set up friend. It's nice to have a Plan A if it is working and also if you can carry it through; however, I don't think Plan A is in order in your case at this point. I would implement a Plan B. She has yet to experience any consequences for her actions. You don't have to be mean to your WS to not give in to their weems. Your situation is going too too fast in my opinion. I would be interested in hearing from some of the other folks on the thread to see what they advise for you. You seem like a nice fellow who has been walked over and stumped in the ground by your WS. Your w must get the message that it is not business as usual. Please don't tell me that you are still calling your bestfriend a friend. With a friend like him, who needs an enemy. Guy, I think you are being too nice which is why you are being so torn inside because your guts tell you that you are going against the grain. Rethink how you are doing things and your priorities especially your kids and most importantly, I would pay another visit with my attorney. Please keep in mind that you need to go for the gusto while you can because having second thoughts later about custody will be too late and will cost alot of money. I'm not trying to make you feel worst than you already are feeling but I think you need to reconsider how you are handling things. You are being too nice which may have cause you to overlook many of your legal and moral rights.

Later.

FAA,
I agree with Petvet. As I responded in your other "Plan A" thread, things seem to have moved VERY quickly for you. I know different states have different laws but you don't have to roll over and play dead. If you don't move to protect yourself, your assets, and your custody privileges now, then later it may be too late. I say this mainly due to the speedy nature of your situation.

By protecting yourself it does NOT mean you are against reconciliation or not wanting to work on your marriage. Your wife is acting like every other WS on the planet and that means she is NOT rational to a normal way of thinking. She rationalizes her own actions from a skewed point of view (i.e., the fog). You said she won't go to counseling, so maybe Petvet is right and Plan B is in order. But protect yourself first, before implementing it.

Hello Everyone,

FAA...

Ditto to what Petvet and avondale have stated.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">She constantly says that she doesn't want to see me hurt, and only wishes that I would move on with my life. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">IMHO, she is a walking contradiction in terms, based on that statement. She doesn't want to see you hurt so she won't feel so guilty about what she has done to you and your children. In other words... she likes everything about the arrangement she has currently going. If she could get you to move on with your life... then her guilt would most probably subside. She is most defintely a "cake eater".

If I recall... the Harley's state that you are not suppose to continue for an extended period of time in plan A... if the affar continues, and nothing changes. Plan A is Primarily for you... not her.

When you are at the stage of having your "LB" depleted to nothing... then you may want to move into plan B. It sounds like you may be at that stage.

It also sounds like all of you work at the same place... correct me if I'm wrong.

In order to protect yourself from anymore pain and anguish, and after you have worked a good plan A. (which it appears that you have). I would go to plan B.

Keep in mind Plan B. is very risky, and there are no guarantees that it will improve your situation, but the course you are on is one that more than likely will end up with a D.

Stay in close touch with your attorney, and get as much as you can in writing... seperation agreement, custody, etc. Don't just roll over and be "Mr Nice Guy", thinking that it may make your WS think twice about the "D" and what she is doing and what she has done... it very seldom works out that way.

The out of sight out of mind concept can be a double edge sword. It will either make her rethink what she has done, or she may be perfectly content to go her merry way.

"Tough Love" is a very drastic measure... make sure your ready for whatever consequenses it may bring. I recommend reading up on the "Tough Love" concept by Dr. Dobson.

I'm sorry to hear of what is going on in your life, as it is one of the most painful experiences, if not the most painful experience you will ever go through.

Keep us informed, as many of us have traveled the road you are now on.

Me...

Well I had a very interesting weekend. On Saturday... I had an electrical fire in my house. A dimmer switch in my family room decided to let go, and burn up. Luckily I was home. Did about $3,000.00 worth of damage.

The ironic part is... none of the fuses blew... smoke alarm didn't go off, (I checked it and it works). It appears that my 110 volt outlets and switches magically went from 110 volts to 220 volts. Electrician said he never seen anything like it before. So now... I have to have one side of my house rewired. One of my computers at home got toasted as well... surge protecter didn't work... go figure. So it's been an interesting weekend.

Hope everyone else had a better week than I did.

Have a a great day everybody.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi All,

I hope everyone is well.

FAA

Sorry to hear about your situation, however; welcome to MB. You have come to the right 'thread' for the best information.

I agree with the others. Your situation is moving very fast.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Now today the house has been sold so I have 45 days to move out and find a new place to live. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You've only sold your home 3 days ago and that can be changed in a couple of ways depending on the State you're in. In California:

1. If you haven't opened escrow yet, or signed acceptance at the bottom of the deposit receipt, you can still change your mind.

2. When the buyer has the property inspection and gives you a list of things to do, you can refuse, which cancels the contract if the buyer wants repairs done.

I guess my question is, 'Why did you agree to sell so soon?'

Sellers change their minds all the time without penalty. Check with your agent.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I hit rock bottom and she is flying as high as a kite </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Believe me, once you start to see your situation clearly, you will see that that statement is totally reversed! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wallace

Sorry to hear about your fire, Glad you're OK though. So much for surge protectors!

God Bless All,
relady

Thank you very much for your replys. I just came from their apartment to pick up our children and she was just clinging right next to him as the kids were getting their coats on. She doesn't care about my feelings and only wants to be with OM so bad she doesn't care who she hurts.

A little history about OM. He and I were best friends for 12 years. We camped,kayaked,biked,hiked,any outdoor activity we would do together. He was like the brother I never had. That is why it makes it so hard. He was married and divorced. His wife had an affair. He has had numerous relationships based on having other male friends and then getting their girlfriends to be with him over them; almost like some sort of competition. I never saw that until he did it to me because he kept that side of his life very private... I wonder why. He stays with those girls until he gets bored and then moves on to a new conquest. He tells all of us that it didn't work out and she wasn't the right one. I found this out when those other guys told me and his old girlfriends would tell me. He was with a girl for 3 years when he had the affair with my W.

I was totally blown away. So I told my W all of this and now she only says "I see the other side of him" "People make mistakes" " He is not like that".... FOG FOG FOG FOG. There is nothing I can say to her that will wake her up she is in too deep.

Now are children our involved myson is 5 and my daughter is 8. Son is a little young to understand but my daughter does. She doesn't like it and only wants her mommy and daddy back together.

I know this is moving so fast. W doesn't want hardly anything from me just some child support. No stock,pension,maintenance. Just half of the sale of the house and a few marital assets. She want out so fast she doesn't care how it is done.

They have been living together for 5 months no sign of fog wearing off. I have been doing the best job I can on Plan A. Now onto Plan B. This is where it gets good.

With my work schedule, I only have to work half of the month(12 HOUR SHIFTS). OM and mine days off are the same. I take the kids every day off. So I work full time and have the kids the rest of the time. He works full time and gets my W the rest of the time. W does not work at all. We are now doing our vacation sign up for this year. I agreed to take one week so that her and OM could go to YEllowstone National Park. She in turn will take the kids one week so that I can go on my vacation. I thought that was reasonable. Maybe stupid on my part but I am trying to do Plan a.

Now she throws in another trip that they want to take to Germany in MAy. I told her she got her week and that's it from me. She wined about how she was planning to take the kids on other days this summer so that I would then have some free time to myself. I replied that I would never stop her from being with the kids but that my vacation was for me and time with our children not for you to plan my vacation around you. That set her back. It is starting to get alittle easier being more firm with her because she is looking very pathetic with OM right now. I explained that you already get 15 days a month alone with him and I wont give my vacation to you for any more than that one week.

I agree she is in the fog. I agree that I should move to Plan B. I need to protect myself yet be sybil because the D isn't final. She wants out and isn't looking at all her options. BUt I refuse to be taken for a fool no longer. I admit I may have been in my own marital fog, but NOONE deserves their spouse having an affair with ANYONE.

I am doing better with therapy. My kids are always excited to be with me and are both looking forward to our therapy group tomorrow. I am so glad that I have this MB to sound off on because some of these emotions just keep boiling up and its good to know that you guys are here for support. I thank you all so very very much.

Hi all!

Wallace: I'm sorry to hear what happened to your house. I'm also glad no one was hurt. I know you hate to come off of three grand right now, but I guess you have to do what you have to do.

FAA: Before you do anything else, please see your attorney. You are in a tight spot. Your w is trying to sweep you away ,so she and OM can get married. I think you may be able to get custody of your kids especially if OM is living with w and kids. OM will eventually dump your w like a bad mistake. You must protect your kids. You still sound as though there is no urgency. My friend your w is trying to set you up. Please talk to your attorney. Time is of essence!

Relady gave you some good advice. Please take heed.

Later.

Wallace,
I'm sorry you had to deal with the fire and its aftermath. I'm sure your insurance will help; hey, maybe you can even make some improvements while the work is being done <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> . Just goes to prove there are "surge protectors" and then there are "multiple outlet power strips". We are all just glad someone was home and nobody got hurt.

Hi All,

FAA...

Based on your last post... I think it's time for you to make a decision on whether you want to continue being a part of your WS's antics.

Her statement that she doesn't want to hurt you is obviously not a true statement based on her clinging to her B/F right in front of you... I'll give you a "thumbs up" for being able to tolerate that kind of behavior.

Since you are in the midst of a D, I assume you do have an attorney. If you do not... then as suggested by all... you need to get one... protect yourself and your children for what appears to be heading your way. Things are moving way too fast... you need to try to slow things down.

Petvet, relady, and avondale have given you
good advice... consider what they have stated, and go from there.

If however you decided to go into Plan B. In general... you will need to write and send her a Plan B letter informing her of the no-contact aspect of it and you must stick with it, and not deviate from it ( you may want some MBer's advice on your letter before you send it). If you and your WS have computers then you can make any and all arrangements (visitation, etc.) via email or through a third party. IMO, the purpose of Plan B., is to protect you, and keep you from loosing anymore love that you may have left for your wife, and to let her see what it's like to not have you around.

If and when you see true changes coming from your W, and only then, are you suppose to deviate from Plan B. once it's begun. You may see some false recoveries, you may see nothing at all.. it is very risky and there are no guarantees, as all bets are off at that point.

In my opinion it's a concept of last resort, if all else fails.

My prayers are with you, as we all know the pain you are going through.

One last thing... try to protect your children from your WS's actions as much as you possibly can. They are more than likely having a hard time of it as well.

Petvet... avondale, and relady...

How is everything going with all of you? How are you all doing?

EC...

What's going on with you my friend? Haven't heard of anymore developments from you. Let us know how your making out.

RMA and Dave...

If your by... let us know how you are doing.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ January 28, 2003, 02:14 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Just a quick update, there is so much to do but I feel so much better about the direction that I am headed.

Mentor program is FANTASTIC - light bulbs are going off in my head like crazy - and that's good.

The biggest thing is that I consulted with a financial advisor yesterday, someone I have known and also know someone who used to work for him who speaks very highly of him. He had some good ideas and had a number of professionals that I need to go see. It feels better to have a plan. I am going to cancel the appointment with the attorney for tomorrow & instead make one with someone he recommended. I didn't know attny anyway.

So many things have been in limbo & just felt stuck. Now, by focusing on what I want and not on my problems things are beginning to happen. First, my Mom paid to have one of our old cars fixed so OS could drive. Then, I found used family room furniture (excellent quality and loooow price) to replace my P.O.S as the teenagers say.

I hope everyone is doing well. There is a lot to do quickly and I am still chauffering D around which has been good for our relationship, but hell on my getting much done.

OS & 2 friends from college showed up at my house at 6:15 this morning. They drove all night to get here, so now they are all asleep. Good timing - I needed someone to move the furniture, they just didn't know what they were getting into!

D.

Hi All,

I hope everyones day is going well.

I have been going helter skelter since the fire at my house.

I'm going to be tied up for a little while... starting work on the fire damage. We are going in on it starting tomorrow and hopefully we will have it all finished by Sunday.

WGTT...

Glad to hear that everything is moving in a postive direction for you. I guess there is no place left to go but up, when you've been through what we have been through.

I just went through the moving thing with my "lady friend". It was no fun at all. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />

It's a good thing that you have some help, and that you got such a great deal on all of your furniture and such. It's nice when things start falling into place like that.

I and my OS have been carting my YD around as well. We are going to try to make some arrangements for her to get her own car. It just seems like there is not enough time in the day.

Keep up the good work, your heading in the right direction.

Petvet, RMA, Dave, avondale, relady, EC, you all still alive and well?

Hope everyone has a great day and a good weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hello - I don't mean to jump in here but I just wanted to say that thank you. I have gained so much incite from this thread (yes, I have read all 72 pages worth of it!!). You are all such strong people.

I am currently separated (not legally) and just have no idea where my situation is heading, but I know after reading this thread that there is life after all the drama of an affair. I guess that's something to look forward too. I am trying to find the positive in things these days.

I wish you guys all the luck in the world, you deserve it!

ThePits - I'm still learning from this thread and I've been here 6 months! People on this thread are the best!

WGTT - does your change of plans re: lawyer mean you're now re-thinking divorce? Or are you just getting all your financial ducks in a row first? It's great that you feel you are now better focused <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wallace , are you doing the repair work yourself, working over the weekend? Hopefully if it's that type of damage, it's not as bad as I had thought. I was imagining a few rooms burned out or heavily smoke damaged, melted wiring, etc.

Petvet, EC, Relady , miss ya!
Dave, RMA , hope things are going well for y'all!

Not much new with me, that's why I haven't initiated a post. Being slammed with work but that's not a bad thing, as we all know keeping busy helps during separation <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope everyone has a great weekend! I'm working at a Bridal Fair at our coliseum, being a hostess at a display booth. Hey, at least I don't have to model as the Mother of the Bride, LOL

<small>[ January 30, 2003, 04:34 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi all! No I have not gone anywhere. I've just been busy and trying to stay above water.

ThePits: Welcome, Just 70 plus pages, I thought this thread was longer. We on this thread will try to help you as best we can.

FAA: What's up with your situation?

Avondale: Same for you?

Wallace: How long will it take to repair damage to the house?

WGTT: Are you about ready to make your move?

Later.

Thanks for the warm welcome!

I was very aprehensive about my separation. I knew it was/is the right thing to do for now at least. I do grow stronger everyday, but want nothing more than to be a whole family again.

My H has been cheating on me for at least the last year. In my heart I knew something was going on, but he denied, denied, denied. He went on a "business trip" last May and while he was away I received an anonomyous letter telling that he was in Jamaica with OW. I was 5 months pregnant at the time and devistated. Well, when he returned he admitted the letter was true and that he was leaving and all the fog talk, blah, blah, blah.

I wanted to throw him out then, but I was so scared being pregnant that I sucked it up thinking he would change his mind and come home. I also did my fair share of snooping and found out all the OW info, phone and address. I called her begging her to leave him alone. Well, she was floored as she didn't even know I was pregnant. You think she would run after hearing that, but this sparky 23 yeard old is haning in there.

Well, here I am on my own with 3 kids and a mixed up husband that can't cut his ties with OW. The sad thing is that he has been more helpful since he has moved out. Guilt maybe, but hey I'll take guilt right now. He has been a non-existant husband for the last year. At least now I am getting some help. And if his chicky doesn't like it then she can just move on! I already told her that me and the kids aren't going anywhere.

Oh, then just after x-mas my husband admits that he has had a few ONS within the last 2 1/2 years. I had no idea about them, but I guess his guilt was killing him so he confessed. What a way to end the year from He**!

Oh well, another day in the life of me! But I have grown so much stronger after reading this thread. Not only am I not alone (sadly) but I now believe that I can't through this with or without him.

Thanks again - Everyone!

ThePits,

There is another on this board in the same position, her husband had an affair while she was pregnant with their 4th child. You may want to do a search under the name Godisincontol to find her posts.

Your name does fit the situation that you are in. Sorry for the reason that you are here, but MB is a wonderful place for support, knowledge and growth if you let it.

God Bless,
D.

FAA and ThePits,

Stick with this thread. The folks here and really good people who can help you. They have been and some still are where you are today.

Hello to The Gang,

Terrible about the space shuttle, today. I worked this morn and have had the TV on listening to the coverage while I have worked on income taxes all day! I do about 10 - 12 returns for various folks. I just popped in to say Hello and let you all know I think of you daily. You are all loved and care for.....

RMA