Dave
I hope you're still online and can see this! It's great to hear from you. We've asked about you and RMA several times over the last year or so. What an encouraging report - your story can give all MBers hope!

Stop by anytime <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi all!

Dave!Dave! Dave! I am so happy to hear from you. I was just thinking about you and RMA just the other day. I was wondering how things were going. I am happy to hear that you have used the things learned on MB to better your relationship. I am happy for you. RMA! Where are you? Relady? Where are you hiding? Remember us?

Avondale: It is nice to know that using the techniques learned on MB really work.

Later.

Hi All,

Dave...

It's good to hear from you and it's also good to hear that you and your family are doing well.

I as well, was wondering how you were making out... and I'm glad to hear that everything is working out well.

I'm sure it's hard work and you had to make certain changes... but it's worth all the effort that your putting forth, I'm sure.

Keep up the good work and keep in touch when you can.

avondale...

Thank you for that dream link. I went over to their site and checked it out... and found it quite interesting.

I haven't had any dreams/nightmares with the exW in them for the last 4 days and counting... which for me is good.

I agree with you about the history aspect and such. You just can't shut that off and pretend like it never existed. There has been many times when I wish I could though... I'll elaborate more on this in my response to Petvet.


Petvet...

It's been almost 1 year since my "D", and I don't think a day has passed that I haven't thought about my exW at least one time during the day.

Deep down somewhere inside me... I know that I still have very strong feelings for her... but on the other hand... I know that I could never go back to that type of a situation ever again. In fact I'm surprised that I put up with it for as long as I did.

I pray on it all the time!

I ask the Lord to please release me from the torment of it all... but so far... it still lingers. Hopefully the Lord's reasoning for not releasing me from this will someday reveal it self.

I'm finding that my feelings for my G/F are dwindling as time goes on, and I don't understand why. She is a very good person, and I feel very lucky to have met her. You would think my feeling for my exW would dwindle instead of my feeling for my G/F... but it's quite the opposite and I don't understand why.

I think it may have to do with my G/F wanting to get "M", and me on the other side still trying to put my life back into perspective. I have to do that first before I can ever bring anyone else into my life, and commit to "M".

I'm still doing a self evaluation on myself... 1-1/2 years and counting. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't know where it's going to lead me... but I guess I'm well on my way

I hope everyone has a great day today.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi All,

Well last night for me was very interesting.

My G/F and I usually go to Church every Wednesday and for the most part we have not really missed that many Wednesday services. When I spoke to her by phone last night... she stated that she was tired and didn't feel up to going to Church.

Well it appears that her OS decided he was going to move back home last night. She now has all three of her kids living back home now.

Well long story short after several attempts by phone for both of us, trying to decide what if anything we were going to do for Wednesday night... she finally got back to me at about 9:30 p.m.

Well for me... the night was shot with a work week and all.

Well, prior to this instance... I have been contemplating giving her some space and letting her take care of everything that she has going on for awhile because of other things that have happened more times than I cared for.

So when she called me back at about 9:30, I said to her that maybe we needed to take a break from each other for a couple of weeks...I also stated that she seemed to have too much going on at the moment, and this would give her a chance to get caught up on all that she has going.

Well there was a huge pause of silence which seemed like an eternity after I said this, and then all of a sudden, I hear from her, "O.K., goodbye! And then click... she hung the phone up on me.

Now she knows that I hate to be hung up on... major LB, because I have stated it to her and she has done this once before.

So here I am the following day... wondering if I should just move on and call it a day with her, or let the day go by and maybe call her tomorrow.

I'm really starting to feel that I should just move on, but there is something inside me that says maybe you should try to resolve the problem.

If anyone has any suggestions... I'm all ears.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace,
I will reply when I get home from work. My office computer is old and slow and I want to think before I type. Not that I will have pearls of wisdom, but I will respond. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 01:27 PM: Message edited by: MONTEHALLL ]</small>

Monte - I think the guys here can answer your “When is enough, enough?” question better than I can, as they’re farther along than I. Or better yet, copy and paste your post here and make it a new topic on the board. Hopefully you’ll get a good variety of responses that should help.

I do have a few questions though. Why are you being sued? With a small son, you can’t afford to get antagonistic with your wife about custody or support, etc. I know it’s difficult to put several years’ worth of marriage problems in one post but it seems like you and your wife aren’t on the same wavelength (not agreeing to counseling at same time). One of you needs to give in on some things to give your marriage every opportunity to work, and it will probably have to be you. Are you up to the challenge?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wallace - I'm going to use the Chris-CA123 method of reply.

I'm finding that my feelings for my G/F are dwindling as time goes on, and I don't understand why.
Well, I'm not a shrink, but two things come to mind: (1) either you're comparing your feelings for her for what you initially had with your exw (i.e., rose-colored glasses) or (2) maybe she's just not THE ONE.

I think it may have to do with my G/F wanting to get "M",
Is she still bringing this up? I thought it was made very clear that it's wayyyyy down the timeline.

When I spoke to her by phone last night... she stated that she was tired and didn't feel up to going to Church....Well it appears that her OS decided he was going to move back home last night
Does this mean she misled - or lied <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> - to you as to why she didn't want to go to church?

So when she called me back at about 9:30, I said to her that maybe we needed to take a break from each other for a couple of weeks...I also stated that she seemed to have too much going on at the moment, and this would give her a chance to get caught up on all that she has going.
Wallace, what you said here is a classic "break up" line! That's probably why she reacted by being abrupt in closing the conversation. Technically she didn't hang up because she said goodbye, LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> So this may not be a LB in the truest sense.

My advice is to have a cooling period for both of you (if you can stand it!) and then call or email her about talking this through. I would also be concerned about some of the things mentioned above.

HI ALL,

MONTE...

First of all I would like to say congrats on reading through all 106 pages of this thread... that's a lot of reading. Welcome to this thread as well, as any and all are welcome to chime in if they feel they would like to post something.

I read your situation and I will give you my take on this based on what I've read so far!

First of all... to anwer your question of when is enough, enough?

For each person it's different... so there is no set answer to this question. The reason being is certain people can tolerate and put up with much more than others. You will have no doubt in your mind... when you have come to the end of the line... and you may probably say to yourself, "that's it... I'm all done".

In my situation... I could and did tolerate my exW stealing money from me for a very long time. When I found out that she in fact was having an affair... I immediately said that was it, and filed for "D" and followed through with it.

I filed not as a bluff or a tool to try to win her heart back... I filed, because I truly had had enough, and I wanted out.

A question you need to ask yourself.

1. Do I really want a "D", or would I rather see if I can work things out with my "W" using MB's principals.

If you have any doubts about filing for "D", then you have already answered your question. Your not ready to call it a day.

I'm assuming that the guy you beat up is suing you for damages... am I correct on that assumption?

I can understand your reaction as to why you beat this guy up... but you didn't help yourself by following through with it. I'm surprised he didn't file charges on you for assault... be thankful that he wasn't smart enough to do that.

We all know all about the lies WS's tell. Believe nothing of what they say... and only half of what you see. There is nothing new in that area. They will say and do whatever they can in order to take the heat off of them.

Divorcing your "W" is a decision that only you can make. It takes two people working on the "M" to make it work. Both of you have to truly want the "M" to work, and you will both need to give it everything you have and then some, to see your efforts pay off.

I firmly believe that most marriages can be saved, but it cannot be saved by just one person alone.

If your "W" is truly sincere in wanting to save the "M", then I would start Plan A., and get MC either with the Harley's here or with a MC, that can and will help you both work on your "M". IMHO, there are many MC out there that have no business being a MC, so make sure you pick a good one.

On the other hand... if you have truly had enough, and you don't see things getting better... then I would go into Plan B., and see what transpires during that time. Give it at least 6 months... before coming to your final decision as to what you intend to do.

Divorce... is the end of the line. Make sure that whatever decision you make... is truly the one you want.


avondale...

I think you hit the nail right on the head concerning the standard break-up line. My G/F called me last night... and in fact that is exactly how she took it.

When I made that statement... I in fact was very sincere... it was not meant to say to her that I wanted to break up with her. I really did feel she needed some time without me. She in fact did think I wanted to break up with her.

When I talked with her on the phone last night we both decided to take a break from each other. By the tone of her conversation... I don't think it will be for very long... maybe at best this weekend. She asked me if I wanted to go to Church with her on Sunday... so it's not me that can't hold out... LOL! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I don't think she was telling a lie when she said she was tired... I think there was an act of ommision, which might possibly be construed as somewhat of a lie... but I'm not taking that part of it too serious.

The thing that surprised me I guess the most... is her letting her OS move back home. She wants very much to get "M", and she knows I'm not going to move forward on that until all of our kids are out on their own.

So here is where it lies at the moment... she's frustrated that I'm not ready to get "M" to her right here and right now... knowing full well that based on both of our decisions we were not going to get "M" until all the kids were on their own.
She lets her OS move back home... which puts all of her kids still living with her... until who knows when.

Now from my end... I'm perfectly content with the way things are now. She is the one getting all bent out of shape over this latest move by her OS.

So I think her frusrations are causing most of her problems right at the moment. I'm trying to help her where and when I can.

Sometimes it seems like no matter what I do or say though... it comes out wrong.

We seem to be having a very hard time with the communication aspect of this relationship... which is unfortunate... because in fact, it's my #1 EN.

She is suppose to call me this afternoon... so I guess I'll go with the flow for a little while and see how this all plays out.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 01:28 PM: Message edited by: MONTEHALLL ]</small>

Monte,
Based on your last post this afternoon, I don't think you have anything to lose by continuing to "Plan A" your wife. After all, you said she's still in the house with you. Your lawyer was right, if you move out it may affect custody down the road, so stay put for now. If someone has to move, let it be her!

It sounds like you were doing a lot of good things but were those actions (flowers, tickets, vacations, etc.) what your wife needed to meet her needs? Do you have any idea what her needs in a relationship are? Have you read up on that part of this website? If not, check out this link:
The Most Important Emotional Needs

Hope everyone has a good weekend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi All,

MONTE...

I'm in full agreement with what avondale posted.

Just curious... why does your WW want to go to a MC if she is acting this way?

Was there ever a point when all of the things you tried to do for her ever please her... and if so, when did you notice that it had changed and what was transpiring at the time?

avondale...

How are you making out?

Any news from your "H" as of yet?


EC...

If I remember correctly... you just had a Birthday recently... didn't you?

A belated "Happy Birthday" to you EC.

I hope you had a good time on your "BD".

So that makes you what... 29 years old now? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />


Petvet...

Hows things going for you?

I hope your making out better than I am.

Me...

Well my G/F called and we have decided that we are not going to see each other for at least this weekend. I'll fill in everyone on this little scenario as it progesses... I'm sure it will get interesting.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ October 17, 2003, 04:17 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 01:39 PM: Message edited by: MONTEHALLL ]</small>

Hi All,

I hope everyone had a decent weekend... mine started out a little shakey... but then things started to even out.

MONTE...

It always seems that when a "M" starts falling apart... people start finally telling you things about your spouse that in some cases you really find hard to believe that a spouse could actually look you in the eye... lie to you and then turn around and carry on they way they do. But unfortunately they do just exactly that type of thing... time and time again.

I have a friend that appears to going through a very similiar situation that you are right now. His WW is pretty much acting in a similiar fashion.

He is pretty much heading in the same direction as you are I feel.

About the only thing you can do IMHO at this stage is try to take care of yourself and look after you childs well being.

It sounds like your WW is in a deep fog and the only thing you can do at this point is Plan A. for yourself and your child and let this take whatever course you both decide to follow through with.

It sounds like your WW doesn't want to be confronted with reality... the MC must of hit her with that, that's why she's all done with going to see the MC anymore.

I guess the question I have... is what would you like to see happen at this point in time... knowing all that has happened thus far?


Me...

Well my G/F and I went one whole Friday without seeing each other. I guess she felt she was punishing herself as much as she was me... so for the time being... all seems to be going well again.

Hope everyone has a good day today.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace
Somehow I knew your "cooling off" period wouldn't last, LOL

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 02:55 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

<small>[ November 03, 2003, 01:41 PM: Message edited by: MONTEHALLL ]</small>

Hi All,

avondale...

I am so sorry to hear that this is happening to you.

How did you come to find all this out?

My prayers are with you... and I hope everything works to your advantage and that your hospital stay is short.

Concerning your "H" and giving him the information that he is seeking. I would open up a dialoge with him concerning what you have going on, if he wants to communicate. I don't think it will hurt anything... in fact it could possibly help reestablish the beginning stages of something more fruitful.

Thankfully your D is there for you... she sounds like she is a sweet girl.

I would definitely get you will in order... not necessarily because of what's going on now (I'm sure you will be fine), but it's always good to have all your legal paper work in order just in case.

What you have going on... is one of my worst fears. If I go down for any reason... I'm in deep trouble. I'm still trying to recover from all the financial devestation that my exW left me with.

My prayers are with you avondale... keep us informed as things progress.


MONTE...

You know what?

Based on your last post... I think you need to stay in Plan A, and work your tail off to try to save your "M".

Is it a game that your WW is playing or is there hope for your "M".

It sounds like she is definitely in a fog and she is confused. Notice that she didn't close the door on your question... she left the door open... to be discussed at a later date.

IMHO, I think how you act in the next couple of weeks concerning your "M" is going to determine the outcome.

Plan A., and see if you can't get your "M" put back on the right road... this may be your last chance to do just that.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hello, all!!!

I just had a feeling I should check in here today and ont he previous page I see where avondale and Petvet have been calling me back here. I guess you guys and I have a true telepathic connection, because tonight I just had the feeling I should check in here.

I haven't read but the last 2 pages - did see my old friend davepr's post. Davepr, I am so happy for you and your family! It is awesome that you took the time to post a happy outcome on this board, in particular.

Petvet, I read a little that you still think about your ex-W. Sure you do, my friend. You loved her and a part of you will always love a part of her. Try to steer your thoughts and actions toward a relationship with your son's Mom that does nothing but makes things the best for him. Life will work things out for you....in TIME. You are just too impatient, my dear friend!!

Wallace, golly, I am telling you that you need an emotional REST! I only read a couple of your posts and all I can say is that the merry-go-round continues for you. I worry that yo are in a relationship that isn't the right one for this time in your life. Please know that I say that to you will love and friendship i my heart!

avondale, is it you having the surgery? You are in my prayers for both your physical and emotional heart, dear friend!

Didn't get a chance to read any other posts. So sorry to all! Just know that I still do care so very much for each and every one of you!! Keep praying and always strive to be a better person tomorrow than you are today! God will answer every prayer that you pray....in His time. Keep the faith and keep supporting each other!

As for me, my H and I are doing great! We just got back from a lovely vacation. It is hard to imagine how crushed, depressed, frustrated and defeated I felt 5 years ago, and look at me now! I will never forget, but instead of feeling so sorry for myself like I used to, I use my past experiences as motivators to keep on top of things in this ralationship.

Keep moving forward guys....even on the bad days....do try!

Luv ya'll, RMA

Hi All,

RMA...

It's good to hear from you and I'm glad to hear that everything is going well in your life.

Your right... I need to get my life to settled down.

It has and unfortunately still is moving very much like a merry-go-round.

I'm slowly beating my way through all of it... and hopefully in the not to distant future, I will have it pretty well taken care of.

There has been a number of times that I questioned where I was situated in this current relationship... that's why I'm still taking it very slow and easy.

It's good to hear from you and Dave both... and it is always nice to hear of all the success stories.

I'm hoping some day in the not to distant future... I'll have one to tell as well.

Everyone have a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Hi ALL,

Looks like everyone is moving along in life... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Thanks Wallace for the birthday wish <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> , you're correct it was earlier this month. I hope everything pans out between you and your gal. My only concern is if you both had time to heal from the beginning, meaning that, I think if I were truly respectful of my newly found potential mate would I be so rude to hang up on them? My concern for you is that here you are only dating and she's doing this now? Never think you can change anyone. What you see and get from the beginning will be there in the end....

I personally would think that if I were really ready for marriage (Her) I would ask myself " What did I learn from my first marriage of mistakes"? is hanging up on someone you love is how you express yourself? My concern is you may have learned, but what did she? She may end up being the taker....

Example - my exww hasn't learned anything about relationships regarding men other than manipulation, she'll pick up right where she left off with me because she didn't renew her mind in how to take care of a man regarding dating or marriage, the next guy will be highly frustrated because she has no desire to learn, her mentality for learning is based on what the guy will teach her according to his immoral behavior, fear and intimidation which I consider nothing but pure control, she states learning and reading books is foolish regarging relationship stuff ....Anyway enough rambling...

Avondale - Sorry to hear about your illness, just remember it's not forever...May God heal you with joy and give you a speedy recovery...You're walking through the Vally of the shadow of death but remember, you're walking through it, not living there....

Petvet - See you're still working things out with your GF kids what a challenge...keep it up

RMA - Glad to see you're still around giving that great advice...

Davepr - Glad to hear from you, I admire your courage to continue the journey with your W, I'd tell anybody I rather go through the pain of rebuilding than tearing down anyday....

Me: Well a few weeks ago I appealed the courts and of course they threw out my filing by error and accident ( as always court error) and closed the case, after that I decided I was done, In the mean time I found out they ended the CS 7 months earlier than expected due to an oversight they made from the start in 2002 so I'm done and will get the final papers in the mail next week...Exww is in for a surprise, they said exw can't reverse it either, there words for her "too bad" and she thinks they're for her?...As I said this whole court issue has been a circus, I can't believe she had me caught up in there mess for the past almost 2 years because of her affairs....More than anything what's sad is knowing in the whole court system and process they make many, many mistakes, I can count at least 8 major ones.....

All I can say this has been a spiritual battle and the miracle was always there trying to press through the whole time....

I have now entered into another phase of life, my finances are now freed...I owe some in arrears still but it's a very small pmt. As I said once the money dwindles from exw and she realizes she lost her power over me watch out! Anyway I can really move on now....My last battle now is (facing OM) next year at YD grad...How do you prepare for such a thing? I'm sure they'll be all over each other in my face....Who knows, once I see it maybe a door will close and I will start to heal greater, maybe im more detached than I think?...

YD was happy with b-day gift she was bouncing with great joy...OD is doing fine....


Take Care..........

Hi all!

I apologized for not getting in here much sooner, but I tried to get in last week some time and apparently there was some work that was being done to system. O' Well!

Oh! EC, Happy belated Birthday.

MonteHall: Your situation reminds me of my struggles with exw when we were living under the same roof. DON'T MOVE OUT OF THE HOUSE IF YOU WANT CUSTODY OF YOUR KID. If you want custody of your child, fight for it. Don't let people discourage you into thinking that you don't have a chance for custody. Most men don't fight. Document everything about her actions, etc. Keep doing what you are doing. Be there for your son.

Avondale: I'm sorry to hear about your medical situation. I will pray for your recovery. I would not share anymore info with H than is necessary.

Wallace: RMA is right; you may want to thread very carefully with your GF. Things seem to be too up and down with you two. You know she may not be what you need. Think about it.

Me: Things are going OK with buddy and kid; however, things with exw are not going so well. She keeps putting her foot in her mouth. Same old same old!

Later.