Leah ,
It's soooo good to hear from you! I was worried. It's sad you don't feel liberty to get on the computer at home. But you were definitely missed here <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Well, my news is that after I posted about talking to hubby, then WGTT posted her thoughts, I have felt a "gut feeling" to NOT do or say anything at this time. I'm not sure why, just have a "check in my soul" at this time. Perhaps it was the timing of WGTT's post, perhaps because once again, I have the best looking front yard on the block and I'd hate the thought of moving to a new neighborhood, perhaps because I just feel I can wait a little longer, so why not? Anyway, I'm not going to contact hubby at this point. This is a little scary, to be honest. But it's out of my hands, right? He will have to initiate contact. (Until I get antsy again, LOL)

Wallace, EC, Petvet - Hope you guys have a wonderful Easter. Thanks for being here for me <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ April 08, 2004, 04:03 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hi All,

Well I have had a pretty exciting weekend and week so far.

My G/F's birthday was this past Saturday. So I took all of her kids and myself, OS, and YD to dinner for her birthday. Then we had cake and ice cream and opened presents that everyone got her, at her house.

Then I went in for surgery this past Tuesday to have an aggrevated lymph node removed from neck. So now I have a nice scar going down the side of my neck. The tests came back on it from pathology, and it's benign... so that's a real scare that I don't have to worry about.

I have 3 other Birthdays this month not counting Easter... so it's a busy month.

WGTT...

It's so good to hear that the Lord is working in your "H's" and your life. You have made great strides in your life to get to this point... keep up the good work... and don't change a thing... it sounds like it will all work itself out in a positive direction.

avondale...

I would go with your gut feel, and just wait this out and see what if anything your "H's" next move may be. I wouldn't rush anything unless you really feel the need. I know I am not in any real hurry to sell my house... the grass and the yard work await me, and it sounds like you as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Leah...

Sorry to hear that your "H" had a set back concerning his illness. I still think this is a great time for the two of you to really communicate and get things put back into perspective. I'm also glad to hear that I didn't scare you away.

Petvet...

avondale brings up a good point! You "are" keeping some late hours. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

EC...

What's the status of you visting your YD on her graduation? My YD graduates May 14th of this year... and she is planning on going to College in September.


Well I hope everyone has a good Easter. Myself and my Kids, minus my OD are having Easter dinner over at my G/F's house. Nothing big... just a nice quiet family dinner for all of us to count our blessing and thank the Lord for all that he has done.

Have a great day all.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ April 08, 2004, 05:14 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Gentlepeople,
Well, I couldn't wait anymore. I’ve been reading this thread for over 10 days now and I finally got to the day that my husband walked out on a 27 year old marriage. That was 12-22-02, page 63.
My story and questions are posted in Divorcing, Plan B and Emotional Needs. A quick update is that I have responded to his filing of papers. He wants sole custody of our 10 yo S. He has another woman and will be taking her to NYC in a week. He still hasn’t told his family that he’s taking her. His family (mother, nephews, son & daughter from previous marriage) is sticking by his side and want nothing to do with me. Our 21yo S has advised me to ‘move on’.
I have been working on myself, that is and will continue to be a life long goal. I just can’t help but think that H and I were meant to be together. He is definitely in a fog nowadays. Today is his birthday and YS wanted to spend the day with him. When I called this morning to find out how YS was doing (he has all the symptoms of appendicitis) H said You’ll be picking him up later? I said that we had agreed that YS wanted to spend the day with him. He said, Yeah we are spending the day together, but I have no plans for him tonight. Discussions like this abound and they really do get me down.
I’m at work now trying to clean up my classroom for visitors on Mon. and Tues. However, I can’t get moving, all I think about is my impending divorce. It is taking its toll on me.
I’m going back to work now.
Love, Peace & Justice

Hello All,

MMQ,
Welcome to the thread! I had to smile at your having to post once you got to page 63. That's just about as far as I got when I decided to jump in.
I hope your son is okay. Did he end up having appendicitis? I'm sorry about your marital situation. It sounds as if your husband is definitely in a fog. Things really can change around as far as thats concerned. It can take some time though. Hang in there. Hope things change in a positive way for you.

WALLACE,
I'm glad to hear your growth was benign. Thank the Lord for that. It sounds as if you have some nice Easter plans. I hope you all enjoy a great time together.

AVONDALE,
It's nice to be back. Thanks for caring. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think you're doing the right thing by waiting to speak to your husband. Just continue following your instints and praying your way through it all. God will lead you as you seek His direction.

I hope you have a nice Easter weekend. Are you having dinner with family and or friends? I'm trying to remember whether you have children nearby. I hope you are able to be with them. How many children do you have? Do you have a good support system at your church or with others? I hope you do. That can make all the difference.

I'm just hanging out at home with my girls right now. My husband is back at work, working some overtime to makeup for his absense. One way or the other, it seems I'm always without him. (Travelling, Working, Racing, Sick, Others...) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
Sometimes I just get plain lonely. I have to really fight the discouragement. Sorry I'm being such a whiner. Kinda down tonight.

PETVET,EC,WGTT

Hope you are all doing well and enjoying your weekend. Keep looking up and I'll try to do the same. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

MMQ
Welcome! You’ve read for ten days, huh? I’ve done some homework about you, and read several of your posts on other threads. I noticed in the “Am I Doing the Right Thing?” thread that the only replies you got were from members who were as new or newer to you here at MB. Sometimes that can be dangerous. Always take everything you hear and think on it, decide how, if any of it, applies to your personal situation. I have noticed quite a few people here are very quick to reply and give opinions, but they have very little experience as to the effect their replies might take in the long run.

If I may make a few observations from your other threads...you weren’t in Plan A very long at all (about a month?). Do you want to stall the divorce, in order to try to work on your marriage and prolong Plan A? Or will you let your H make the game plan that will affect your life? Which scenario gives you more peace? (I know peace is a short commodity right now for you.) Have you tried to get him to at least take it slow? What reasons does he give for the big rush? Is he going to marry OW immediately??

Your H has said he won’t go to counseling. Here at MB, the counselors have a ploy that worked on my H to at least get him to talk to them. It was the “have your H call us (Harleys) so we can get his perspective, in order to counsel you, Avondale”. I was skeptical, but H did call, it didn’t cost him (I paid for it in advance w/o his knowledge) and the Harleys are very skilled at talking to WS in fog. I say this for your consideration, it might be worth a shot.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MMQ wrote: He has another woman and will be taking her to NYC in a week </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I remember when I knew my husband was counting the days to be with OW in NYC. It sucks <img border="0" title="" alt="[Frown]" src="images/icons/frown.gif" />
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Our 21yo S has advised me to ‘move on’
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">My advice is to not let your older son dictate your life. You do what YOU feel comfortable with. If that is NOT moving on, then fine, don’t. Young adults have such “cavalier” view of life sometimes.
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I just can’t help but think that H and I were meant to be together. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">That’s what I keep thinking too, about me. What is your gut feeling based on?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> MMQ's hubby said: He said, Yeah we are spending the day together, but I have no plans for him tonight. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I wonder if this is because he was planning on staying with OW that night, and son would be in the way?? Will this be a glimpse of future behavior?
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> all I think about is my impending divorce. It is taking its toll on me </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Let us know if there’s anything we can do for you. Have you seen a lawyer for yourself yet?

Leah
I'm having both my kids (daughter & hubby live nearby, and son is in town for a few days) plus several young adults w/o families from church over for lunch after church. Nine or ten people altogether. Of course I'm doing most of the cooking but I don't mind, it's good to have a house full of life. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> And yes, my church friends/family have been the absolute best support system I could hope for. Happy Easter!

Hi Gang......

Hope everyone is having a great weekend.

MMQ - Welcome to the thread. I'm sorry to see you go through the DV, this is just my opinion and long, but personally I don't see it as just an ending of something but a blessed new beginning for you. Sometimes we want things better in our life but according to our own plans and ways, but God has another way that " The end shall speak louder than the beginning " meaning you may feel loss now but the revealing of what you will gain will out shine where you are in time

While it appears your H is moving on and forward, (trust me, he's not) you feel left behind and worthless since he has OW.

I read some info from a previous post to gain some history about your story. Despite what issues you have, despite what you will and are overcoming, keep those things up. One of the most hardest blows is when the WS tells you everything they don't like about, your personality, your physical body, your character, habits, etc.... However as painful as they are, you can use those to your advantage. Take those insults as building tools for you. Pitch the WS talk stuff as I love you, not in love with you junk, we're not compatible, etc..There's a long list of the lies they say, don't believe it...It don&#8217;t take 7, 10, 15 or 27 years to find this out!!

Once you build on you and get it together, it leaves them speechless and confused of why they left.....But as long as you remain the same, you look unappealing you further validate why they left in the first place.....

At this point what you had previous dead, because OW is now there...You can't go back and relive the old relationship, but you can create an all new you and reveal what you have to offer to him over time. All relationships as long as yours (27yrs)go through changes, its normal....A restore is not impossible over time...

Your H's new relationship will most likely fail because he never worked on him, trust me, he has baggage too, but he feels on top of the world right now, having his love bank filled, its like a drug, but it will wear down over time, and reality will set in, we're all human...However don't get stuck where they are.

As far as the DV papers and proceeding, agree with him, resisting only makes it worst for you, take your attorneys advice, but don't be left in unbearable debt and taken advantage of. This is no way giving up, this no way not standing, this is not letting go completely, this is only moving all the negative issues to a resolve...if there are financial issues and time would be on your side, then stall, but don't resist....

Take your Sons advice and start moving on with your life, Why? Because most WS's are fearful of the BS moving on, they want OM/OW but also there security person too,(there spouse), they are still jealous for you, but will not say. When they see that you don't need them and remain a mystery, there insecurity flares....Plan B

Most WS's are very cowardly people that can't express themselves, they choose to run from resolve and processes...They blame other people for there inner issues and don't take responsibility. When they feel pain, they have to find an affair, alcohol, outside sex to ease the pain and it's an endless cycle until they decide to face themselves....Rather than feel pain and choose to be made whole as an individual, they search for something or somebody to validate them in a damaging way..The affairs feel sweet at the start, but the end is internally bitter....

This is an article faithhopelove04 posted Isaw on a thread, but I didn't post the whole thing because it would be too long:

Here are some quotes from the book, "Love Must Be Tough" by James Dobson

"...a rejected man or woman often reacts in ways that make matters worse. Just as a drowning person exhausts himself in a desperate attempt to grasp anything that floats, including his rescuer, the panic-stricken lover typically tries to grab and hold the one who is trying to escape. I have witnessed the scenario a thousand times. Supercharged emotions zip up and down a roller coaster of extremes." p.24

"Though I understand the compulsion that drives Faye to plead for Joe's attention and love, she is systematically destroying the last glimmer of hope for reconciliation. She has stripped herself of all dignity and self-respect, crawling on her belly like a subservient puppy before her master. The more Joe insults her and spurns her advances, the more intensely she seems to want and need him. That is, in fact, the way the system works. The message Faye is giving her husband can be summarized thus, 'Oh Joe, I need you so badly. I can't make it without you. I spend my days waiting for you to call and I'm, crushed when the phone doesen't ring. Won't you please, please let me talk to you occasionally? You see, Joe, I'll take you any way I can have you, even if you want to walk all over me. I am desperate here without you.'

Linda and Faye have brought us now to an extremely important and well-known principle of human relationships: panic often leads to appeasement, which is virtually never successful in seeking to control the behavior of others. In fact it often leads directly to war..." p.27,27

"It has been my observation that the lust for forbidden fruit is often incidental to the real cause of marital decay. Long before any decision id made to fool around or walk out on a partner, something basic has begun to change in the relationship...the critical element is the way one spouse begins to perceive the other and their lives together. It is a subtle thing at first, often occurring without either partner being aware of the slippage. But as time passes, one individual begins to feel trapped. That's the keyword, trapped." p.36

"We return now to the question with which we began: What can be done to preserve these marriages...? The answer requires the vulnerable spouse to open the cage door and let the trapped partner out! All the techniques of containment must end immediately, including manipulative grief, anger, guilt, and appeasement. Begging, pleading, hand-wringing, and playing the role of the doormat are equally as destructive...To the reader desperately in need of this advice, please pay close attention at this point: I'm sure you would not have dreamed of using these coercive methods to convince your husband or wife to marry you during your dating days. You had to lure, attract, charm, encourage him or her...Could you imagine what would have happened (if you had done that)...it is very difficult to love someone romantically and pity him or her at the same time...(these tactics) are only increasing the depth of disrespect by the one who is escaping."

There are 3 reactions Dobson says are the most common when the BS lets go:

"1. The trapped partner no longer feels it necessary to fight off the other, and the relationship improves. It is not that the love affair is rekindles, but the strain between the two partners is often eased."
"2. As the cool spouse begins to feel free again, the question he has been asking himself changes. After having wondered for weeks or months, 'How can I get out of this mess?' He now asks, 'Do I really want to go?' Just knowing that he can have his way often makes him less anxious to achieve it. Sometimes it turns him around 180 degrees and brings him back home."

I didnt list the 3rd, too long

Anyway, everything is going to be ok, life is not over in no form or fashion...Greater days are ahead....Take Care

leah

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I also liked your suggestion about consulting with the Harleys. I'm giving serious consideration to that. I'll let you know what happens if we talk.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I would second talking to the Harleys. They helped me when I was at crossroads (more than once), gave direction to my scattered thoughts, helped me to see what was really important, helped me come up with a plan that felt good.
You won't regret talking to them.

avondale There are no co-incidents. There is an Easter Story on the rejoice website that you may want to read.

[B]Happy Easter to all![/D.B]

Gentlepeople,
Thank you for your welcome. I really need you guys tonight.
As I mentioned in my previous post I am having to clean my classroom for visits on Monday and Tuesday. Well, I was there early this morning with my YS. (By the way he is doing fine. It seems it may have been a virus after all. H will be doing a follow-up appointment next week. The intestinal pain is still there.) We were listening to the radio and an "oldie but moldie" came on that triggered a mild teary breakdown in me. YS was alarmed (I haven’t cried so easily in a while). He gave me a big hug and started saying how it would be so much easier if his father was dead, then it wouldn’t hurt so much. Well my breakdown triggered his own and he kept on talking about how he should had said he hated the OW when his dad asked what he thought of her. Now the devastating piece of news is that his happened on 12/24/02, two days after H had moved out. So I guess this is the real Discovery Day.
I was clearly left staggering after the news, YS was so sorry. However, we had not talked for a while and as it turned out he has been figuring things on his own and is really feeling betrayed. For instance, he remembers waking up in the apartment (June 03) and getting up to get a glass of water and noticing the OW shoes by the couch and hearing his father and OW laughing from the bedroom. He wishes he had interrupted them. He remembered two birthday parties (July 03) OW was at. He said it was his father that asked OW, her son and son’s friend to spend the night on New Year’s Eve. He asked me if he should talk to his dad about all of this. I said he definitely should, but that maybe he should wait until we started going to counseling and he practiced some I-messages or something else the counselor would recommend. (We were supposed to start two weeks ago but the counselor was ill and then the center was closed for spring break. We don’t have an appointment now until next week.)
I calmed us both down and sent him out to play. I called H and asked him point blank to tell me about his relationship with OW. Of course he refused, saying it was none of my business. He reiterated about our relationship being over, and that I had everything to blame for our split up, and that he wouldn’t go to another woman so soon after our separation. WHAT A LIAR!
So I guess today was the real Discovery Day. He does not consider an EA to be an affair. And the PA is justifiable since in his mind "we are divorced already".
I have been thinking about this all day. I’ve counted seven EAs that I know of. I need to reread all the infidelity information. I never really thought that infidelity had been one of our problems. All these years I have blamed myself and my weaknesses for our problems. I AM FURIOUS!
But I’m also so calm. I know that this will all come out in court. I know that he will not be awarded sole custody. I know I am a good person.
I did yell once during our conversation today. He said that I was dragging the divorce. I said that was a lie. He had filed with absurd demands and I had responded. How could that be misconstrued as dragging the process?
I told him that I felt that we needed to talk to somebody to learn how to end this marriage, so that we could continue to really talk to one another. Bottom line - our YS doesn’t need to suffer unnecessarily. He agreed and will let me know next week when a good day and time would be. However, my last words to him were, This is so sad. How do you sleep at night knowing that what you’re doing is not only illegal, but also immoral? He hung up at that.
Well, that’s all of it. So much for Plan A. I felt I had been in Plan A since the beginning of the separation.
The last year and a half of our marriage he had withdrawn and I had withdrawn into myself so as not to fall back on alcohol and cigarettes.
Can this marriage be saved?

I just spent the last hour reading this thread... good information. Very good information.

Thank God I found this site.
I ask everyone that believes to pray for my marriage.

peace, love, and tight corners...
a troubled car fanatic,
-Jarod

MMQ
Hugs from me, I’m so sorry that you’ve experienced another Dday. This is not uncommon though. Yes, you should definitely re-read everything here, through the eye of one whose spouse is having an affair
What state do you live in? Have you contacted a lawyer?

While it may appear that Everlasting Compassion (EC) and I gave you conflicting advice, actually that’s not the case. His advice was very sound, once divorce becomes imminent. It IS a new beginning and a chance to change yourself for the better, and restore some self-worth. My advice was geared more for where you are at now, not yet convinced divorce is going to occur. But at some point, you may switch from one stage to the next, and you can determine the right time.

Will you be in the counseling appointments with your son? If so, you may want to take notes as dates and things involving OW are revealed (for possible legal case). Will your H be in those same appointments? If so, your son may not feel comfortable and not talk as openly. I’m glad his sickness doesn’t appear to be as serious as you had thought.

Jarod Wynde - only an hour? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> LOL You’re right, the MB site has tons of great info.

WGTT - Thanks for the “heads up”, I’m going to Rejoice site now.

I just had to come back and post something after reading at the Rejoice site. I had been concerned about having not revealed H's affair when it happened. (Only our families and a few close friends knew.) Some books say (and ppl at MB sometimes post) that it should be brought to the light of day and told. In fact, some seem to take delight in it! It's something I've sometimes regretted not doing, especially regarding his work, so he would have the full impact (shame) of what he's done. But after reading this morning, I won't wonder anymore. I told who I felt comfortable telling, and my thought (at that time) was to cover H to some extent so he can (hopefully)return more easily to God and our marriage. Anyway, no regrets here, I am glad I handled it the way I did for our situation.

<small>[ April 11, 2004, 05:39 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Gentlepeople,
I decided to post before I started my busy day. I also wanted to try to respond to you individually, as is the norm on this thread.

Leah2be
Thank you for the warm welcome. I understand about not being on the computer when H is around. I’ve been there with that situation. And I’m sorry you still can feel lonely.

Avondale25
Thank you for your provocative observations and questions. I never realized that only new MBers had been answering my posts. It does make a difference who you get your advice from.
I believe I have been in Plan A since the very beginning of this ordeal. I have consistently been nice, pleasant, considerate and (to my way of thinking) alluring. Since the separation I have had a nagging feeling that the weight I’ve put on, the spending (which I don’t do any longer), the (still) messy house were all excuses and masks for something deeper. Now I know I was correct.
I cannot stall the divorce process. I did tell H I did not want the D, but he filed anyway. I was forced to respond to this filing within 30 days, which I have done. I live in a community property state (NM), so I know some things will be a given unless there is a prearrangement by the spouses. (I have no lawyer yet. I have a lead on three barracudas, but I haven’t spoken to them yet.) The response I did was with the help of a lawyer during our 30-minute free consultation. I’ve also been online to the law school and printed out all the divorce forms. I will continue to write them up "my way".
I can only guess that he wanted to clear his conscience for the NYC trip. (Does a WS have a conscience? Must be an oxymoron.) I have no idea what his plans are with OW. All I am certain of is that there is nowhere in NYC that he can go and not be reminded of me. We have had many good times together. Lately our most intimate conversations have concerned our sons.
I will call the Harleys; I need to save some money first. I need to establish a Plan (C?). I’m thinking that this trip that he is going on will be an important crossroad for both of us. Maybe I should write the Plan B letter before he leaves and continue from there.
My OS’s statement of "moving on" is in reality a Plan A (or is it B?). He wants me to work on my issues and myself. He is hurt by what is going on, and doesn’t want me to wallow in misery.
Avondale25, there can be no doubt that H wanted to be with OW for his birthday. And of course he was.
Counseling with YS will be for him and I only. We will be seeing my IC. H did say he would attend counseling for YS if asked.

Everlasting Compassion
Thank you so much for your support. A new beginning, a new relationship with my H is all I want. It bothers me that H thinks I want to go back to the way things were. And, it breaks my heart that I was so self-absorbed at the end that I didn’t even notice his waywardness. This must hurt him deeply.
I have tried to ignore the WS talk. Reading this thread has amazed me. How could all the WSs sound so much alike? The WS phenomenon cuts across gender, social, cultural, and class differences doesn’t it?
I am calm now. I can move on and work on myself because I know now that H was in a fog since the beginning.
EC - All relationships as long as yours (27yrs) go through changes, its normal.... A restore is not impossible over time.
From your lips to God’s ear. I pray for this every day.
You are correct in stating that H hasn’t worked on himself at all. H still only blames me for our "failure".
Thank you for the Tough Love quotes. I finally received the book last week, so I’ll be busy reading it.

Will Get Thru This
I am definitely thinking I have to talk to the Harleys.

Jarod Wynde
Welcome to the thread. I’ve been reading for 11 days now. I’m up to page 71!

Thank you all. I truly appreciate your input.
Love, Peace & Justice

Avondale - Hows it going bud? We must have crossed posted earlier. What you posted was good for MMQ because you guys are in the same place. I find no conflicts, you did good. As for me, I was forced to fill out the paper work for DV and it hurt me more to resist and even the court turned there nose at me on it, exw used it as fuel to the fire.....I only say move on(but don't give up, but prepare for the future) and don't resist because, you got to move out the way and pray and let God handle the mess. The word says:

Stand not in the way of sinners, nor in the seat of the scornful..

Pride goeth before destruction and haughty spirit before a fall.

The WS's are on a path of a dead end, when we move out the way ,it allows them to crash and burn with OW/OM....

MMQ- Stay strong and keep working on you, one day you'll look back and be proud of yourself. You're still attractive to your husband, Plan A works wonders along with prayer....

Welcome Jared - Wow, lots of reading you have before you...

Me - I forgot to answer earlier questions. Yep, YD graduation is in May. Yes, I am apprehensive, I don't know what to expect. This will be my first time having to see exww with OM. I feel somewhat detached from the whole issue, but then again, I haven't seen exww since 2001 and I don't what my reaction will be....Maybe she'll be a stranger to me since its like she's a gutted person from what I used to know...I'm praying it don't feel like d-day all over again, her whole plan was to try and destroy me so I'm guarding my heart. I 'll be excited to see YD....OD may ignore again like I never existed, who knows....but I'll make it, this will be closing a door for me...

Take Care

avondale </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I just had to come back and post something after reading at the Rejoice site. I had been concerned about having not revealed H's affair when it happened. (Only our families and a few close friends knew.) Some books say (and ppl at MB sometimes post) that it should be brought to the light of day and told. In fact, some seem to take delight in it! It's something I've sometimes regretted not doing, especially regarding his work, so he would have the full impact (shame) of what he's done. But after reading this morning, I won't wonder anymore. I told who I felt comfortable telling, and my thought (at that time) was to cover H to some extent so he can (hopefully)return more easily to God and our marriage. Anyway, no regrets here, I am glad I handled it the way I did for our situation.

</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Avondale, I felt the same way that you did. I told some that were close to me but for the most part didn't tell about the A. I never denied having problems but left it at that.

For a while I was unsure if I should or not so posted the question on the recovery board to see what they had done. surprisingly most did not make it public knowlege nor tell too many!!!
I asked Steve Harley about this in one of my sessions & he said that many don't tell because they don't want the WS to feel bad when they come home, and there was less to get over.

In my case, Steve suggested that I not "tell" untill I decided to seek a legal separation or divorce, then to tell those who need to know why I was filing to put pressure on WH (now FWH)

God held me back to from telling those who wouldn't need to know. Only a few prayer buddies and those friends in 12 step programs (who most of them had experienced an A either as WS, BS or both)

My prayer life began to change. I found myself praying for my then WH - for his salvation. I would hear " If I don't pray for him, who will?" As I became more obedient, God gave me more to pray about. It was wierd, but there would be times that I would feel an intense need to pray and if ignored it, would get nudged harder. Who knows but God what I was praying for. It would be interesting if FWH kept a journal like I had (doubtful) to see what was going on at the time.

OW did keep a journal on and off & I saw one of them when we were cleaning out the business. There were things I had suspected which proved to be true. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> OW also wrote that basically she know she was LB'g (didn't call it that) by pressuring FWH to get a DV so they could get M. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> She tried to form a cocoon around him, chased away all of his friends, so she could "have" him. The more she pressured, the more FWH began to look towards me.

During this time, I got on with my life. Did a version of Tough Love and Divorce Busters 180 while doing a modified plan B. FWH began to see a woman at peace, one who enjoyed life. At first I was faking it, just going through the motions.

Whoa, i got off on a tangent there. I guess so that otheres can see that it is possible to restore your marriage, and mine was certainly one that looked DEAD, very dead from my perspective. Then just as things looked the darkest, they changed almost in an instant.

When I get a chance, i'll post my separation letter - again a combination from Tough Love and MB.

HAPPY EASTER <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

D.

Happy Easter to all!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I ended up staying home a few days before going to visit my sister with my girls. I had my brother and his family over for dinner after church. It was a nice day!

Jarod

Welcome to the thread. I will pray for your marriage as I do for many others on this board. Keep reading and posting. There's much to learn here.

EC

I hope your visit with your YD goes well. Hopefully, it will be the time of closure that you seek.

Thanks for all that you posted re: tough love. I've read the book, but it's good to see reminders. I guess I'm still trying to figure out when to apply "tough love" verses unconditional love and grace. I feel like I'm in such a weird place in my marriage. I guess I can look back at the past five years and wish I had done things so differently. I feel like maybe I extended too much love without any of the "toughness" and now it's all backfired on me. But, it's done now and I'm still trying to figure the right path to take. Thanks for your help.

MMQ

I'm so sorry for the pain you are now experiencing. So much of it sounds so familiar. My husband was back and forth between the OW and me for a long time. He ended up travelling to Florida to spend his birthday with her. Ouch. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" /> Such a terrible time. The girls were so hurt, not understanding why Daddy wouldn't be with us to have his party. I'm so thankful those days are behind us.

I know it's hard to imagine now, but your husband could eventually do a 180 and come to see OW with very different eyes. It took a long time for my H but he now regards her very differently.

Keep looking up and doing all you can to be the best person you can be. Use this time to grow and learn. I know as difficult as the past five years have been, they have been a great catalyst to change in my life. I believe God has used the difficult times to change me in a positive way. Hang in there. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

WGTT

I definitely will try to set something up with the Harleys after Spring Break. It is good to read how God has worked so powerfully in your situation. I'm still hoping and praying for a miracle here. Sometimes I have to pray for a faith infusion. It can be such a long wait. I want to keep believing and trusting God to do what only He can do. Meanwhile, I know I have to keep focused on the right things. Focusing on my h or our m can be very discouraging right now. So I need to keep looking up and moving forward. I hope you and your husband continue moving closer to God and each other.

AVONDALE

I hope you enjoyed a wonderful Easter with your family. I always enjoy reading all your post to various people. You are an encourager. Keep looking up!

WALLACE and PETVET

Hope you both enjoyed a great Easter with your family and lady friends. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Take care.

grrrrrrr,

I just spent a good amount of time cutting and pasting from different pages of this thread and now it's gone!!!!

Too tired right now to go back

Good night!

D.

Hi all!

Avondale: I routinely put i late late nights especially if I cannot sleep. I know for a fact that I will be putting in a couple of late nights the next couple of days. Are you afraid to press your H on the D issue rather just let the situation take care of itself?

Wallace: I hope you are feeling OK now after your surgery. You do have a busy month. I am busy as well.

Leah: Continue praying.

Jarod: Welcome! There are good folks on this thread.

MMQ: Welcome! I hate you have to go through the WS mess. Your WH wants to get the D over with because he knows that he is doing wrong and thinks that if you are gone, he can get on with his new enchanted life. Also, he thinks that he has an advantage over you legally. NOT! For his arrogance, tell him to jump in a piranah infested lake. Sorry, Sorry, Sorry! I got carried away.If you can, see whether you can get him in on a session with the Harley's. Please protect yourself. Have you tried Plan B?

Me: I had a good holiday. I took kid to the beach and he got baptized over the weekend.

And I'm gone.

Wallace - I know what you mean about the unexpected scar! I’m glad it’s benign, though. Perhaps it adds to your “rakish, boyish” charm. I can’t say the same about my scar, however! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> We have lots of family birthdays in April too. I’m curious, did you invite your OD at all, or are you leaving her out of family gatherings for now? I guess she’s still living with her b/f ?

EC - I think you’ll do fine when you go to your YD graduation. Do you have relatives to stay with there, or will you be in a hotel? Would it make you feel better if you were accompanied by a hot chic or something? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <spew coffee on screen here> LOL It shouldn’t. You are a great guy with nothing holding you back from all the wonderful things God has to offer. Do you plan to explain anything about CS payments to your daughters when you see them? I know there were some conflicts and confusion arising from their mother mis-using that money.

Petvet - Did your son get baptized AT the beach? I hope the water was warm enough. Take care of yourself over the next few days with tax crunch season - it’s almost over.

WGTT - Thanks for the encouragement. Are you posting on the Recovery Board too? If you post your separation letter there, let me know, I’ll go over and look at it.

Leah - We all know you’re in a tough place. What would happen (what would H think) if you brought up the “emotional needs” questionnaire as a non-partisan way of working through some things? The Harleys might suggest this, so be familiar with the questionnaire yourself before calling them. I’m glad you had a nice Easter. I hope you have a good week.

MMQ - Has your son had his counseling appointment yet? How did it go? Have you had time to read the Tough Love book yet?

Hi All.....


Just passing through, not much going on....

Wallace - Hows it going are up and about? Hey there was a post by the name of HumbleOne that sounded so much like your past marriage. It was weird, it was almost like seeing your path had you stayed with your WW. My heart goes out to him.

Petvet - Glad to hear from you. Whats your relationship like these days? Anything you would have done different?

Avondale - On the CS issue. I don't think I'll touch that until they come here in the summer. Once I'm done with CS and they come to visit, they'll be reminded of the life they had before all the mess, that will speak all alone....When I go there next month it will be a quick trip because I want to avoid as much trouble as possible, exww and OM may try anything....I'll be in and out quick and I'll see kids again in 30 days after that anyway when they come around 4th July time......As far as the hot chics <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> , I won't go there, I'll just leave that one in the barn <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> {{{Cheese}}}

Hi, MMQ, Relady, Jared, WGTT, Leah, DavePR and anyone I missed....

Take Care

avondale

These days I post on this board, GQ and recovery. I know more people on this board, and a few on GQ & even less on recovery.

For me, I don't find as much for me on the recovery board, maybe because I've been at this so long. Many there (not all) are pretty fresh with this whole thing even though they may be in recovery. I was hoping to see more positive upbeat things that work, but what ends up getting posted many times are the triggers, the problems. Not that you can't learn by them.

In reality, I don't know what will happen with our M. There is still a LOT of work to do in the recovery phases. He hasn't really repented and that concerns me because his guilt may drive him back out there. Rejoice Ministries gave example after example of just that same thing. They were asked why WS's come home and then leave or keep coming home for meals or events (whatever) and then go away. It's the guilt and shame. If they would just face up to God, they are forgiven that instant and it's thrown into the sea of forgetfullness.

FWH had been finalizing closing the business and was up there by himself this time. That worries me. He has started some of his old stuff the past few days and it doesn't feel good. I know that DV is not in the cards for me, but separation might be if this keeps up. I was happy on my own, have rich, rewarding relationships with friends, sailing, and had lots of time for God and prayer. God told me long ago that he would restore our M, but He didn't say when. It may or may not be right now. Only God knows.

D.

Just had a weird thing happen that I wanted to post. Got a call from H, he was confirming amount of support this month. He then told me he moved to cheaper place (when we spoke in Feb. he'd said that he was looking), and gave me the address. THEN he asked if I had done anything for our daughter's b'day. <note: fog rolling in> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" /> I said "yes, last week" (when her b'day was). He said he was taking her out to lunch and invited me to meet them tomorrow. I declined so they could have "father-daughter time". Daughter will probably get a little mad at me for leaving her to fend for herself, but I didn't want H to get off so easy. Maybe he can feel how uncomfortable she is around him....we'll see.
I'm just at a loss as to explain why he'd think I'd want to go after what he's done. I guess that's just the fog...but then I think - what if something I said triggered within him the desire to get right?? How could he see what he's missing if he's never around me? What a quandary! Arrrgghhh!

<small>[ April 13, 2004, 09:29 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>