Leah2be

"a continual prayer life to my Ultimate Friend" I was doing just that the other night, I have never laughed while I was praying but for whatever reason as I sat there listening I just busted out laughing. It has been a while since I laughed that long or that hard. Actually felt pretty good afterwards. I guess the old saying "laughter heals" applies to God too.

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">The times I question it are when things seem so not good here. I wonder at that juncture if they would be better off without the things they see (disrespect) playing out in front of them. That is something I continue to pray about.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I can only speak from my childhood. My parents fought constantly. My father had gotten quite good at ramming his fist through walls in the house. I have four sisters and I vividly remember conversations about who we would go with should they ever divorce. But...they never did. Today I am thankful for that. As bad as it was at times I do not think that a divorce would have made things any better for us children. The one thing we always knew was that Mom and Dad would both be there. And my Mom was instrumental in ensuring that respect was taught...even in the midst of all their fighting.

Hang in there and know that my pryaers are with you.

Avondale

Yes, we now attend the same Church. I left for several mmonths but after some intensive prayer with 3 other men and the proddings of our children I finally went back.

How do I handle it? I go to Church and worship. Our youngest daughter told me "Daddy, the weekend that I'm with you I'll sit with Mom and the weekends I'm with Mom I'll sit with you. That way neither of you have to sit by yourself. She's such a doll and sweetheart.

Probably a small congeration, 400 attending Worship Services. My formers first boyfriend also still attends there but always manages to keep his distance.

Church Laders - probably one of the reasons I really went back. When I first approached the Pastor about this friendship his only response was "Ssshhhh! This needs to be kept quite." As of yet I still feel that he has not handeled the situation as the Church should have but he does have his good qualities. Who knows, this may have been his first time having to deal with something like this that included members of his congeration. We are all still learning from this.

The demise of our marraige. I feel he still thinks that everything was all my fault. My former had a very large image and presence in the Church. One that protrayed a very Godly woman. He much like her Father (also an ordained Minister) have no idea of the real impact an affair has on one's mind nor the things they are willling to do to either cover it up or save face. But in the end it all comes out in the wash.

My former. I just <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> , wish her a good day and continue on my way. (and sometimes go home and cry, but have not done that in quite a while) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Wallace

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">With the Lord in your life... you can't go wrong!</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Amen!

EC

I'll join you in that no G/F club. Still early for me but it is not a place I want to go anytime soon.

But you might want to try that ice cream thing. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> Sounds pretty intresting.

Me

Doing well...A group of us, 3 men and 5 women started a study on "The Purpose Driven Life" tonight. The first meeting went well and we all went out to dinner afterwards. That in itself was good. Most of us are graduates of a DivorceCare class and we did this to continue the fellowship from that class.

Met with my IC again today. He thinks I am doing well but is concerned about our youngest daughter and her actions. He recommended that I call my former and arrange either a 30 minute talk or lunch to "discuss" my concerns about her. This of course got a chuckle form me.

But he them reminded me that even though my former never acknowledges to me anything that I say she does listen. (Does that mean she still has or is beginning to have a little respect for me? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) He then went on to state several things that she was now doing because of other concerns I had about the children that I had mentioned to her. Always in a firm but pleasent attitude.

God Bless you all and have a wonderful weekend!

Hi all!

Avondale: Unless you have the equity amount in the bank, i guess you would have to get a home equity or refinance loan which would mean that you would probably have to pay closing cost. If you decide to stay in the house for another two or more years, it won't be too bad having to pay closing costs again depending on how much profit you end up making. I am not getting married any time soon. I am taking my time and doing alot of thinking with my brain.

Darn! I need to reread some of the previous posts on this page.

I'm back!

Wallace: I'm like you. I am going to do the single thing for quite a while before I get married again if ever again. I am being very careful about this marriage thing. I am monitoring my buddy's every emotion and decisions. I am not overlooking anything. I am very careful. I am still healing too.

EC: Ice cream! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" /> Come on, guy! You can take a woman to have ice cream without marrying her the next day. Just take your time. Wallace and I are taking thing slow. We are being methodical in our actions.

Trusting Him: I have always had hesitation about group sessions. I end up feeling worst because of all the issues other folks are going through.

Later.

Petvet

I concur about the group sessions. The two people leading the study andother lady and I are the facilators for the DivorceCare Class so even in this study we only encourage others to search themselves. But a standing rule for each of classes is "No Dating". So we feel that if they are willing to commit to no dating that in itself shows some dedicaton to the purpose of study and healing.

Unless my tastes change I have no fears from the men who attend <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> . Of the women there, all are standing on stable ground with the exception of one and I've already learned to keep my distance from her.

Me -- I am more like Joseph now. At the first sight of a member of the opposite sex showing intrest in anything beyond a mixed enviroment I run! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Hi Everybody!! Hope you're all enjoying a nice long weekend.

AVONDALE,

Thanks for your kind, encouraging words. You asked if was encouraged by you all. Yes, very much. It is always good to come here. Sometimes I need a safe place to vent, sometimes someone will write exactly what I need to hear. I'm very thankful for this web site and especially for all the wonderful folks who post on this thread.

I'm continuing to pray for you, your husband, and the situation with your house and all of your other concerns. I'm sure with time and prayer you will make a good choice. You seem like a very wise, intelligent lady. I'm anxious to hear how your meeting with your husband goes.

You remarked that the girls would one day appreciate the sacrifices I've made to keep us together as a family. I keep hoping this is true and that my decision is one they will respect and not be hurt by in any way.

I've had family and close friends express their concerns regarding what the girls see modeled here. Will they come to view love and marriage this way? Will they also treat me with disregard and disrespect the way their father treats me? These are my HUGE concerns. I want so for them to marry Godly, loving men who will treat them right. Is there a tendency for them to be drawn to men who treat them the way their father treats their mother? Any thoughts about this Avondale or others?

I'm sorry about your husband's cd's acknowledgements. That has to hurt. Just know that your "acknowledgements" in eternity are so much greater than anything that might be posted down here. God knows the truth of who has truly faithfully supported, loved and prayed for your husband. Your reward is yet to come. Maybe here on earth but most certainly in heaven one day! God bless you Avondale.

TRUSTING HIM,

Thanks for your encouragement too!! If you could would you please read what I wrote to Avondale. I'm interested in your opinion about the girls in regard to what I wrote. I want to believe they are better off, but I'm not confident of that.

Weekends like this past one reinforce that doubt. Their father was quite angry and cold to me all weekend. They heard the arguing and saw the disrespect once again. I try so hard to please him but it seems he is mad at me all the time. I feel so useless and worn out by the time he is finished with me.

There has also been some strange behaviors that are very reminiscent of when he was seeing someone else. This is extremely difficult to ignore. I know God is Sovereign and knows all. I'm trying to trust Him with all of this. I pray each day that truth will prevail. I don't want to live a lie. If he is with someone else, I'm very ready to let him go.

I'm glad you have a good support system. I, too, am involved in a ladies Bible study of The Purpose Driven Life. It's a great book! I admire the fact that you can continue attending the same church as your former wife. I would think that would be very challenging. You must be very strong to do that.

My prayers continue to be with you and your family!


WALLACE,

You wrote that it was good I was staying busy. Yes, sometimes it helps to fill life with good things. Sometimes it can be a bit too busy. It's true, though, that if I have too much think time, my mind can go down the wrong path with too much over analynation and introspection. So I guess a healthy balance is what's needed.


Glad to hear you are doing okay. It seems things are going well for you and your girlfriend. That's great!! It must be wonderful to have someone to share your life with. I'm glad that you too are being careful with timing and being sure to heal before entering another relationship. That's very wise. God continue to bless and guide you.

EC,

You seem to being doing well. It must help to be past the hurdle of your daughter's graduation. Have you had much contact with them since?

It's good you're being careful about entering another relationship. But ice-cream out does sound fun. Just remember not every lady out there is as your ex-wife. It helps me to read here from you and other "good guys" like you. It reinforces the idea that there are many men who have wonderful character and high values. After you've been through the ringer with someone, it helps to be reminded that there are others out there who are very different from the one who hurt or is hurting you. Anyhow, I hope you one day find a lady who is fully deserving and appreciative of your attention.

PETVET,

Keep having fun with Buddy. Take care of yourself.

ME

Like I mentioned above, its been a tough weekend. I feel like I have to pull it together and regroup after being shot down so much by hubby. He gives me a lot to have to get over at times. I'm trying to pull myself out of the pit and move onward. Trust you're all doing well. Hope you have a great week!

((Leah ))
Sorry you’ve had a bad weekend. I read your posts to everyone. You said:
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> There has also been some strange behaviors that are very reminiscent of when he was seeing someone else. This is extremely difficult to ignore. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Can you be more specific? (If you’d rather not, we’d understand....I just want you to know you can vent here too. We all try NOT to judge but want to support you.) I pray you’re wrong.

Trusting Him - I honestly don’t see how you could attend the same church as your ex-wife. Did your pastor never talk to her about her behavior? How did he explain (in his mind) her forsaking her marriage vows before God? (not to mention other issues...) In fact, if my hubby ever wanted to come back and attend my church, he would not be able to until the pastor/elders were totally convinced he had repented. Even at that, they’d recognize how difficult it would be for me, the “remaining” or betrayed spouse, to continue to worship in the church (if he was there), and would probably recommend he join another congregation. Then one gets into the “remain with your wife of your youth” scripture... So hats off to you, for continuing. I hope it’s not at the price of your emotional well-being. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Obviously your kids get the benefit of a continuous spiritual safety-net and don’t get bounced between two churches. But yours is not such a big congregation, so I would think it might be extra difficult.

My Pastor has also learned from my situation. I think before, his belief was of the “no marriage after divorce” but has now changed to allow for that in certain circumstances, like mine. We are all works in progress, even ministers.

Avondale,

You asked what strange behaviors? Well, the extreme mood swings are back. While together this past weekend, he was constantly on my case about one thing or another. Very angry, belittling, demanding apologies when I sincerely didn't know what I had done wrong, and continue berating. Add to that, he kept finding reasons to leave us. He would say he needed to use the restroom but then he would return from an opposite direction. Weird stuff like that. Oh, I also received an anonymous phone call, caller ID blocked. The person hung up. So that probably has contributed to my unease about the situation. The counselor has also questioned his faithfulness. So, again time will tell. I keep praying for truth.
O
Did you read my questions about the effect of his treatment of me on my girls? Could you please give me your opinion on that? I could really use some help with this.

Thanks so much for your concern and interest. I appreciate you all so much!!

Hi all!

Trusting: Healing takes alot of time, but I will say that whether one can interact with the opposite is a personal thing. Feeling that there are good people out there can really help the healing process as long as one does not look for someone to complete them but to add more icing to the cake.

Leah: I agree with Avondale; I would not be able to attend the same church as my ex. I don't se how you could do it.

Later.

Leah ,
You said: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Will they (my girls) come to view love and marriage this way? Will they also treat me with disregard and disrespect the way their father treats me? These are my HUGE concerns. I want so for them to marry Godly, loving men who will treat them right. Is there a tendency for them to be drawn to men who treat them the way their father treats their mother? Any thoughts? </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I didn’t initially respond because I don’t personally have any experience with this. Other than having an affair and carrying on with OW, my husband was always the most perfect, wonderful, respectful person. In fact, I visited Focus on the Family’s website to see if they had any insights I could pass on to you (couldn’t find any in my limited time, but that might be a resource for you.) My thoughts...well, psychologists and sociologists say that kids DO model after what they see. But then there are kids who have overcome big hardships at home (welfare, etc.) to achieve great things. I guess the bottom line is, God will watch over them no matter what happens. I know that sounds flippant but it isn’t meant to be. As you know, God made each of us unique and each of your kids is different. I realize this (your H’s behavior) is your most serious concern right now. Why don’t you put that question out for everyone on the D/D board to see, and maybe you’d get some responses from other women who’ve walked through that? I know of several who were in physically and/or emotionally abusive relationships and left their husbands. Find out the effects on their kids.

Are you thinking of doing some detective work on your own to confirm if your H is involved with someone? Would having “proof” and knowing that he is having an affair help you make the difficult decision of leaving him any easier? If so, do you have a plan to go about doing that? What are the laws in your state?

Sorry double post... I'm out of control!

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 07:04 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hi All,

Well I hope everyone had a good Memorial Day! I would have rather skipped my weekend... I had a tough one like Leah did but I will get back to that later.

Trusting Him...

It takes some real courage to attend the same Church as your WW. On the other hand... it does show how far you have come and healed to be able to do it. You also have the right idea as far as the dating scenario... no need to rush into anything until your ready.

LEAH...

Sorry to hear that your "H" is showing the same traits as before when he was out having an "A". Not a good sign IMHO! If you think they are probably up to something... go with your instincts, because they probably are.

As far as the type of example your "H" is displaying to your children and how it may affect them in the future. All children will react differently... for some... they will display anger and hostility. Some will go into a shell and hold their emotions in, and the list goes on. IMO, it is an experience in life that they are witnessing. Each one will take away from it something different to a certain degree. They can learn from it, and be shown that this is not acceptable behavior... and adjust accordingly with the proper guidance by you and possibly an IC.

If in fact it becomes abusive and/or violent... I would definitely remove your children from that type of a situation immediately.

My kids went through quite a bit, and they all turned out pretty well for the most part. They may never get "M" because of their current views om "M", so there are some negatives that most likely will come out of it after it's all said and done with.

Petvet, EC, avondale, WGTT, Momax...

How did your Holiday weekend turn out, and if I missed anyone... feel free to let us know.

Me...

Well my Memeorial day was upsetting to say the least.

My G/F called me up at about 11:00 p.m. Sunday night, and said she decided she didn't feel like cooking for everyone on Memorial day, that she wasn't up to it. I told her it wasn't a problem... that I had plenty of food for everyone, and that I could do the cooking over at my house.

Well... she didn't say anything... complete silence. So I asked her if she wanted to do that instead. She stated that she would call me and let me know tomorrow.

Well the next day came... and it was about 4:00pm, and getting late, as I had a house full of hungry people... so I called her. She stated that she wasn't coming... because her mother wanted to eat dinner at my G/F's house. At that point I stated, "a phone call would of been nice to let me know what your plans were"... and then she took off into how I am afraid of a "M" commitment. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Well after listening to her go on about the same exact thing that I have gone over with her many times before... I told her that I was all done with this relationship, that it wasn't working... and I had decided if we were going to argue over this "M" thing over and over and over again... I didn't want to see what it would be like if we were actually "M"

Well that set the fireworks off! I told her I was all done with this conversation and if she wanted to call me when she could discuss things other than how unhappy she was that I wouldn't marry her right now, to call me.

Needless to say... red flags probably went up on both sides after this conversation was finished with. We are talking now... but this relationship is pretty battered and bruised at this point.

She is a good person... but she goes into these moods everytime she starts thinking that I'm not going to marry her at the drop of hat.

The more she does this... the farther she pushes me away. I'm really questioning this relationship at this point.

Well I'm rambling as usual... so I hope everyone has a great day today.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ June 02, 2004, 12:27 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Leah2be

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I've had family and close friends express their concerns regarding what the girls see modeled here. Will they come to view love and marriage this way? Will they also treat me with disregard and disrespect the way their father treats me? These are my HUGE concerns. I want so for them to marry Godly, loving men who will treat them right. Is there a tendency for them to be drawn to men who treat them the way their father treats their mother? Any thoughts about this Avondale or others?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Ouch! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" /> You ask a lot. We as parents recognize that a positive emotional climate is necessary for a home. We know that negative messages can convey an astomphere of guilt and shame that will leave scars on our children's lives.

Every wise woman buildeth her house: but the foolish plucketh it down with her hands. (Pro 14:1)

I am quite sure that you are a wise woman who is building her house so we have no fear of the second half.

A soft answer turneth away wrath: but grievous words stir up anger. The tongue of the wise useth knowledge aright: but the mouth of fools poureth out foolishness. The eyes of the LORD are in every place, beholding the evil and the good. A wholesome tongue is a tree of life: but perverseness therein is a breach in the spirit. (Pro 15:1-4)

With the above verses, even in the midst of turmoil and confusion I believe that you do and will continue to have a positive impact on your girls. Practice them each and every day.

From where I sit, on the opposite side of a divorce I believe that the divorce has caused much more pain and confusion than any of our previous problems. The only arguement our YD remembers is the one that sent me out the door. Prior to that, even in the middle of our troubles they appeared to be doing well.

Were there problems? Of course! Some that I was not even aware of until after the divorce. Things that I am pretty sure that the children may have seen but just never reacted to it. Mom washing everyone's clothes but mine, preparing supper but not setting a place for Daddy, always talking to Daddy through the children vs asking questions herself. Yes, all of these were symptoms of our (mostly mine) problems. I struggled miserably with finances, I failed to recoggize and love her in a way that was appropriate or in a way that she needed. I ignored her or withdrew into my shell during some important times in her life and basically was just not there for her.

But. . . the children were emotionaly stable, being raised in a decent manner and respect was taught. Even today, I still teach our children that love and respect is important and that each of them needs to love and respect each of us. It is sometimes a one way street as my former has not reached that point yet as I am still the source of all of her problems.

But through the wise use of words, you can make an impact on your girls. You can offset the negative effects of your husband's actions, and it can be done without tearing him down in the process. I truly believe that if the children see parents attempting to work on things (problems) that they will most always feel safe and secure.

Of course, if it ever evolves into a physical abuse situation I would suggest having him leave the house. As for arguements and the other what nots that typically go on in a marriage, only you can judge that behaviour and act accordingly.

You are in my prayers and God Bless

Hello Everyone,

WALLACE,

Sorry to hear you had such a difficult weekend with your girlfriend. I know how draining those "discussions" can be. You seem to have a good head on your shoulders. I'm sure you are being cautious when it comes to decisions with your relationship. Just curious, are there any other major areas of disagreement other than the timing of your future marriage? You mentioned red flags. Do you feel there are others? I will continue to keep you in my prayers. Keep looking to the Lord to lead and guide You. He will show you the right thing to do.

I'm glad to hear your children are all doing well. That is wonderful. I do hope and pray the girls will do the same. You mentioned hanging in there unless there is abuse. Do you mean specifically physical abuse? Thanks for your prayers and concern.

TRUSTING HIM,

I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my questions and concerns regarding the girls. The verses you wrote were very encouraging. Your posts always give me a shot of motivation to keep trying. My girls are doing great right now. (Straight A's in school, lots of praise and recognition from their teachers in regard to their character and such) For this I'm so very thankful. I attribute this to the many prayers offered up for this family. Without the Lord, I'm sure it would be a mess.

I hope that if I can remain strong in the Lord, He will protect them and their perceptions of the negative aspects of this relationship. When I consider how stable they seem to be now and compare that to the potential havoc that a divorce would create, I pray all the harder for the endurance I need to keep on keeping on.

How wonderful for you and your children if your wife's eyes could be opened to truth and she should return to the marriage. I will pray that this miracle could happen for you!! As I've shared with others on this thread, I know of incidents where God has indeed done miracles on behalf of those who patiently continued to stand for their marriages. I pray God would bless you in this way.

ME,

Still trying to learn and make progress in our situation. Just started reading a book called the Verbally Abusive Relationship. What an eye opener! It's as if the author has been a unseen visitor in our home. Everything she writes about could be an exact quote of the words and logic my husband uses. She gives some very helpful suggestions. I'm hoping that I can gain some insights that bring about some positive changes is this relationship.

Hope all the rest of the gang is doing well. Take care!

AVONDALE,

I'm so sorry I somehow overlooked your post to me when I was reading through the thread. Oops, it might have something to do with the fact that I've been up since three A.M. I'm afraid I've been getting very little sleep here lately. My husband insisted on having this very emotional discussion in the middle of the night. We talked a couple of hours then got up and started our day. So please forgive me if I don't seem all together.

Thank you for your sugestions. I'll have to try writing something up later when I can think better. Thanks also for looking at Focus for me. There are as many ideas out there for handling emotional abuse as there are for dealing with affairs, even amongst Christians. There can be so many opinions, so I want to be sure to be looking to the Lord and asking for his guidance.

You asked about PI's. I've considered it in the past and even spoke to one. But it is very costly and I'm not sure they could ever really find anything. You see, most all of my husbands past affairs have been long distance. So most of his communication has been thru e-mails and phone calls and occasional romantic get- aways. He seldom lets me know of his plans until the last minute and then he's very vague. "I'm headed for California tomorrow. I can't remember the name of the city..." You get the picture. So short of having someone follow him 24/7 it would be hard to figure out anything. He is so very random in everything he does. There is no schedule or accountability.

Also, I've come to a place where I've really just given him over to God as far as what he's up to. I pray for truth and God has given truth to me on several occasions from some surprising sources. I'm trusting Him to do that again if there is anything going on. Playing PI can be exhausting and can drive you nuts. I have to let it go.

You ask if I found out he was having another affair would that make my decision easier. At this point I feel that would be the nail on the coffin. I can not tolerate any more unfaithfulness on his part. The only chance at reconcilliation would be a total, life changing miracle straight from God alone. Apart from God's help, I do not think he is capable of being faithful.

I;m going to read back over this tomorrow to see if I answered all of your questions. I'm afraid I might not be making much sense. I'm so tired all of a sudden. Good night Avondale. I hope your doing well. I'll check in later. Thanks again.

Hi all!

Leah: My exw use to do the same thing as far as last minute plans to accommodate the affair. There's software that can track email transmissions. Talk to a PI and they can give you some recommendations. To answer your question about the influence on your kids, I feel that parents need to be as positive as possible because kids do notice things.

Wallace: WHATTTTTT! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> What in the world is your GF up to? Has she lost her mind? I hope flashing lights are going off (STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!). What she did was very rude. She is skimming on you to get you to the altar. Start looking elsewhere when you are ready. You are test driving cars now; keep test driving until you find the right car. Would you buy a car that has many obvious flaws?

Later.

Leah
I can see how your H's behavior is wearing you down and causing concern that he might be involved elsewhere again.
Petvet mentioned the computer software that tracks keystrokes. Sometimes it's called "key loggers" and I know I've seen them discussed several times over the last year here at MB. If this is something you're interested in, Here is a link:
Computer watchdog
There are many out there. Does your H use a different computer for work? If so, this might not be of much help.

Hang in there!

Wallace - I have to agree with Petvet for you, too. How many warnings bells do you need? I know a guy like you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT be desperate enough for companionship to put up with childish behavior like that. You deserve much better!

Me -I meet with my lawyer Tuesday afternoon to find out "stuff". In all our previous meetings I never asked questions about what would happen if I file. My questions were more "defense" as opposed to "offense". It will be interesting to see what she has to say. I'm not in a rush, regardless.

By the way...What are some names for the OW (that I can use)? I know you all have names I won't say...but in talking to my H, what should I call her? I don't want to use her name, and slut just isn't a word I'd use in a civilized conversation (or any other, for that matter). Any ideas??

Hope everyone else is having a great weekend!

<small>[ June 05, 2004, 12:22 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

HI ALL,

In regard to the latest posts to me... My husband uses the computers at his work. He owns his own business and pretty much lives there. That is why he is able to have such a lack of accountability. He has all bills such as visa and the cell phone sent to his work. So unless I request to specifically take a look at everything, I won't be able to find out anything.

In the past I discovered he is quite talented at hiding things. He would show me one cell phone bill then later I discovered he bought a second phone. Obviously if he wishes to hide things, he will find a way.

I just received a phone call from him. He was suppose to come home tonight but just informed me he wouldn't be coming home until tomorrow night.

So the wait continues. I feel like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop any minute. D-day#???
I'll let you all know if anything happens.

AVONDALE,
I'll continue to keep you in my prayers in regard to meeting with the lawyer. It's good to be informed of your different options. I'm glad your meeting with him even if you don't intend to do anything any time soon.

Hope everyone is having a good weekend!

AVONDALE,

I just re-read your post and realized I forgot to answer your question regarding names. Let's see, I guess I always used his girlfriend's name. But I can understand you not wanting to do that. Maybe, your "new friend". ?? I'm not really sure. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> If I come up with anything more interesting I'll let you know.

Wallace

Sorry to see </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> Sorry... I'm out of control!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"><img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

My heart and prayers go out to you. The others here have given you good advice so "be quick to listen ans slow to speak, and when you do speak, speak softly."

But you can always ramble on as it prepares me for my future.....

Leah2be

Just me...speaking from a somewhat biased view I assume. I've read some on a "verbal abusive" relationship and while a lot of it was good, from a male prespective it sometimes came across as "looking for a reason" to find something wrong with the other partner.

Something that was helpful to me that I found and wrote down well over 2 years ago and have attempted to keep it on the top of my mind.

Negative Thinking Destructive to Relationships
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Confirmation Bias. The major problem with negative thinking is that what humans believe about another, they tend to see and hear even if it isn't true. In other words, what you believe about another person (positive or negative), you will find evidence of that belief in everything he or she says or does</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Self-fulfilling Prophecy. After someone begins to look for or notice behaviors that support their beliefs, this often influences how they act toward their mate. In other words, we have a tendency to treat others in accordance to how we think or believe about them. As a result, our mate's usually behave in a way consistent with our original expectation</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Learned Hopelessness. When negative thinking consistently invades the relationship, it produces an environment of hopelessness and demoralization. The negatively framed mate is robed of motivation and action.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
So...I've spent a lot of time trying to apply the following to my life:

"Finally, brethren, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is of good repute, if there is any excellence and if anything worthy of praise, let your mind dwell on these things." (Philippians 4:8)



Avondale

I've gotten to the point where I just call them by their names. Being that one is a member of our Church and the other was a casual friend...what else can I do?

I have discovered that as long as I refered to them as anything other than their name that I was holding on to anger and bitterness toward them and that was not good for me.

Everyone Else

Pray that all has been going well in your lifes and that the past Holiday Weekend was a good time for everyone. Hopefully a time to rest and relax as we all learn to move forward in our lives.

Me

*chuckles*
Could someone please explain my role as a non-custodial parent (Daddy) and not that of Husband and Daddy. I sure manage to keep myself confused at times! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

Sunday week ago I arrived at former's house to pick up the children. Our oldest daughter is on the couch with tears streaming and an ankle the size of a softball. Her Mom? Getting ready to go to church.

I load the children up and off to the emergency room we go for the next 4 hours. So her ankle is broken, cast for the next 6 to 6 weeks and a follow up apointment with an orthopedic to ensure that nothing major is wrong or therapy required.

At 9:00 PM Mom calls from her BF's house to see how OD is doing. I basically repeat the above. Needless to say she is now on her way to my house.

She arrives and I was preparing to leave to get OD's pain medication so she agrees to stay with them until I return. (I later learn from DS that while I was away Mom made her way through all the bedrooms and the rest of the house) After returning she hangs around for another hour or so (another first) before leaving.

But....the next morning she is back at the house bearing bags of groceries and what not's for the children. (This is also a first) Also hangs around for a while before going back to work.

Wednesday is the follow up appointment and we had already discussed the arrangements and I was supposed to take OD to her appointment. I was suprised when she called and asked if I could pick OD up from her house and she would meet us at the doctor's office. Where we actually spent 2 hours in the same room. But it also made me aware that we would only be classified as an acquaintance - Knowledge of a person acquired by a relationship less intimate than friendship Ouch! That after 17 years of marraige.

But I guess it is rather hard to discuss other things in the presence of 2 teenagers and the knowledge that she is actively involved with another man. <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

For the sake of Leah2be and what I posted to her. I thanked God that I was there when OD needed to go to the hospital. I thanked God that I had 3 wonderful days to care for her hand and foot, treating her like the princess she is. I thanked God her mother and I were able to be in the same room when our OD needed us to be.

But....in that typical male (at least me) analytical way I was asking myself questions like:

</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Did she show up that night only after guilt set in from not taking her in the first place?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was the groceries stemming from that same sense of guilt?</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Was there any guilt or am I simply looking for ways to resolve the questions I have regarding the entire situation?</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">
P.S.

Only because our YD just called and I was reminded of something. While in the Doctor's office OD's friend had taken former's cell phone and was browsing throught the directory askling about different names and numbers, all of which were answered with the exception of one.

Who is Anglecheeks?

No response at all from my former. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 04:11 PM: Message edited by: Trusting Him ]</small>

Hi All,

Well I'm going to take off for a three day weekend this coming weekend. Need to clear the head and be by myself for a while I think.

Petvet...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quote by Petvet:

Wallace: WHATTTTTT! What in the world is your GF up to? Has she lost her mind? I hope flashing lights are going off (STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY! STAY AWAY! WARNING! WARNING! WARNING!). What she did was very rude. She is skimming on you to get you to the altar. Start looking elsewhere when you are ready. You are test driving cars now; keep test driving until you find the right car. Would you buy a car that has many obvious flaws?
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Yep... alarms went off... kinda like an air raid siren. She apologized and said she would be a lot more considerate. With her MOm with her... evidently she didn't think that much of it. We had a very nice long talk. You probably know the kind... it was the shape up or ship out talk... I believe she got the idea. She knows I'm not going to tolerate anymore of that type of behavior. I put up with that type of nonsense off and on for 23 yrs., I'm not about to let it begin all over again.

Your right... I am test driving... and after I"m done working with this car... if it refuses to drive accordingly... I'm going to leave this car in the lot and go elsewhere. I know this is a horrible analogy... so don't get to upset with me. Test driving a car... LOL, I never looked at it quite like that... but for the moment it works.

avondale...

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quote by avondale:

Wallace - I have to agree with Petvet for you, too. How many warnings bells do you need? I know a guy like you ABSOLUTELY CANNOT be desperate enough for companionship to put up with childish behavior like that. You deserve much better! </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I was at church services on Sunday, and they were talking about "what shape is your heart in"? It was a real good service and I got a lot out of it.

They had 3 different descriptions of how your "heart may be made up.

The stoney heart.

The thorned heart.

The heart of Stone.

Without going through a four page explanation of each heart... and we are talking about the spiritual heart. What it boiled down to... is you must forgive... not only your transgressions, and problems, but others as well. Give it to the Lord, and follow him in his word... and that's what I'm trying to do. Oh... I stumble and fall all over myself from time to time... but I pick myself back up, and just keep trying that much harder.

I know my G/F has faults... such as I do, such as we all do. In essence she really is a very warm and thoughtful person... she just has her moments... such as most of us do. I am a sucker for a warm and caring person. Perfection in anybody was only attained by one person... and they crucified him.

So I'm trying to soften my heart, and not be so critical. maybe I'm becoming to soft... I don't know... I'm still trying to work through this, and see what the Lord leads me to... as I'm going to let him take control of my life again... and I'm not going to interfer this time.

I have to agree with Leah about what to call "OW" I think "Your Friend" is good enough... no need to call her anything more than that.

Leah...


</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">Quote by Leah:

In the past I discovered he is quite talented at hiding things. He would show me one cell phone bill then later I discovered he bought a second phone. Obviously if he wishes to hide things, he will find a way. </font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If you haven't already noticed... and I'm sure you have... most WWSs are good at hiding things. Most of them have one major problem though... they are horrible liars. You would think that most of them would get good at it after doing it for so long... but most of them never do.

It's a horrible feeling not knowing what your spouse may or may not be up to and it's a horrible way to live on a day today basis. In my case... I prayed to God to let me see the truth concerning the state of my "M". It didn't take long... 3 days later, I found out way more than I ever bargained for. I have no regrets though about finding out everything that I did... It was very painful to look at it, while it was happening, but at least I learned the truth, and that's all that I was concerned with at that point in time.

I know you would like to get to the bottom of it all.. and truly see what your"H" may be up to.

Pray on it... and I'm sure your prayers will be answered.

I'll say an extra prayer for you tonight.


Prayers and blessing to all of you... may the Lord keep you strong in your journey.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ June 07, 2004, 07:24 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>