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#715816 09/09/04 08:35 AM
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I let my W know yesterday through E-mail reply that if she wants anything from inside the house that I am going to be present when she comes. She actually called me later in the day. It was the first time I have heard her voice or even heard anything from her in about 4 weeks I guess. It was nice to hear her on the phone. She didn't like my idea of me being there, and tried to talk me into letting her in without me there. I didn't back down. She said she'd have to call me back and let me know when she rearranges things with who was helping her. I also let her know that she didn't need to bring so many people, and that if she needed any more help than her dad, that I will be there and can help. The washer and dryer are tiny apartment size ones, and the bed is a lightweight full size bed.

I aggree that she can have these few things that she is wanting. The washer and dryer which actually belong to her parents are just collecting dust in my storage building in the back yard since I bought new ones a couple of months before she left. and the bed is in our guest bedroom and was hers before we married.

I am thinking of writing up a paper for her to sign saying what items she is recieving when she comes. If she is bringing someone to help her then I am going to have someone there as a witness for me too. My attorney was in court yesterday, but I'm gonna try to reach him again today, or talk with his assistant.

#715817 09/09/04 07:46 PM
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UUUGGHHH-

I will be filing for a legal separation to protect me and the kids financially from any more harm. Have to work out some details before it actually happens.

A friend has been helping me as a real estate assistant and to work thru the mound of "stuff" that has to be done. While doing an expense reimbursement of WH's she showed me exactly what WH has been doing. He's into coke big time. She showed me where he would binge for days, not eat, buy liquor at gas staitions so bar/ liquor store recpts wouldn't come up. She knows all this because she used to do what WH is doing, now she's in recovery. Even thought I suspected it still felt like a ton of bricks. I would never have seen all that in the expense report, but when she explained it, then it all made sense.

My friend told me that WH is very far into his disease and get myself loose or he'll take us all down. She could tell by how much money he spent how much he is using.

The bank froze my personal account because our joint account is so far overdrawn. I haven't used that account for a long time but apparently WH used it when he was on the road for "business"
Another hump to work thru.

Keep me in your prayers. I know by the grace of God that I will be OK, but it's getting to that point.

Thank God for alanon - I need that noon meeting on Friday!

Gotta go, have lots to do
AND PRAY THAT HURRICAINE IVAN GOES A DIFFERENT DIRECTION THAN THE PANHANDLE OF FLORIDA OR WEAKENS MIRACULOUSLY.

Thanks!

D.

#715818 09/09/04 08:10 PM
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WGTT- I'm so sorry to hear about what's going on. I've thought about you with the recent hurricanes and will certainly pray that Ivan goes back to sea! If you are certain of the facts about your H, you are doing the right thing to protect yourself financially. You don't need your credit and financial records frozen or taken advantage of due to personal problems of that serious nature.

Wallace - Well, I've heard you say it many times before: </font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">it was my final word on it.
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">If I had time, I'd find all the times I've read that and post the dates for you to see. You are a big teddy bear, LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Relady - How was San Diego? Are you doing OK? I pray the Lord will keep your spirits up during this more "official" transition time.

Wes - I'm a little confused with your use of "my storage building" and "I bought new W/D". Do you and your W have totally separate banking accounts? Be careful about requesting her to sign papers about what she's taking, (1) because if they were in her family, they're hers anyway, and (2) signing a paper conveys a serious stance, which often is reserved for later, after you've been separated a while. Your situation is still so fresh - heck, your MARRIAGE is still new too - that I still think there's hope...Be careful to not get antagonistic (signing papers can be construed that way) so early in the separation, it won't help in the long run.

Me - My lawyer says I should be getting alimony, and her estimate of what I should expect (I'll start by asking for more, then allow him to talk me down <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> ) seems fairly generous. I will be speaking to a banker tomorrow about mortgages, and will see my dad this weekend to get his input as to how best to proceed financially. I will talk to H later next week, and will have more to report then (because I'll have an actual alimony figure AND proposed mtge buyout numbers to share with him).

Leah, Trusting, Petvet, EC, anybody else ....have a good weekend.

<small>[ September 09, 2004, 09:14 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

#715819 09/09/04 11:53 PM
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Hey All,

I hope everyone had a great weekend.

I'm doing good, in fact, I surprised myself. I filed my final papers, sent copy to 'official' XH and now I await the Judge's signature. San Diego was great, weather beautiful.

School started Wednesday, so I'll be too busy to think again. Why in the world do I need 'applied quanitative analysis'?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Roll Eyes]" src="images/icons/rolleyes.gif" />

Avondale

Thank you for your prayers. Believe me, they are much appreciated. I am praying for you as well. I hope all goes according to God's perfect plan, which we know He has. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wallace

When interest rates are low, home prices are high. When interest rates are high, home prices are down. So, it is a matter of personal preference. We're all waiting for those who got 100% financing to 'adjust' and walk away! it always happens. They barely get in at 3 1/2% interest for three years and at the end of that time it goes up to 6%. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Of course they can't make the payment and the bale out.

As soon as things settle down a bit, I'll be looking for a new home or maybe a four-plex. I want my money to work when I don't feel like it!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Petvet

I hope all is well with you! We need a wedding, we need new dresses!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

VolksWes

Listen to those who have been there before you. They are all good suggestions.

WGTT

Sorry to hear you're taking that additional dreaded step. We must do what is natural first and let God take care of the rest. He is your strength.

Hello everyone else.

relady

#715820 09/10/04 06:40 AM
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Avondale - I guess I referred to the storage building as mine I guess because she has never had anything to do with it or any of the stuff out there, and she never liked the looks of it either. Its where I keep the lawnmower, yard tools, and a few other things.

As far as making a list of things that she was taking, I was not going to include the Bed or washer and dryer, but thought I needed to have record of the Aurthur Court serving pieces and silver stuff that she is wanting to use for a friends baby shower. These items were given to US as wedding gifts, and figured there might need to be a record of where they are incase things have to be divided later. I will re-think making this list though now. I may just take some photo's before she gets any of that just for my record.

#715821 09/10/04 07:05 PM
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Hi All,

Well I made it through another high octane work week... and now it's time for me to relax! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

WGTT...

I'm sorry to hear that your "H" is still using, as well as going down a hole he probably will never get out of.

He's doing cocaine (did I spell that right?)

How old is your "H"? Cocaine... booze
non- stop... does he have a death wish?

Your "H" needs some serious help by the sounds of it, and unfortunately... it's not something you can do by yourself. He needs some serious professional help.

As sad as I am to say it... you are doing the right thing. When they get like that... they will take everyone and everything down with them while all this continues.

My exW burned through over $353,000.00 plus and didn't have a thing to show for it... and to this day... still doesn't.

Extra prayers for you WGTT.

avondale...

Well it pleases me to hear that your going to be getting alimony... and yes, you always start out high in what you want and negotiate from there. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think with the appraisal that you have... and your going to keep the house and buy out your "H"... I think that is a very wise move. That's what I did (even though I didn't have to pay any addional money to my exW), and I have absolutely no regrets at all in doing just that.

I hope everything goes well for you in your negotiations, and that your pleased with the outcome in spite of all that has happened... you deserve whatever you can get. I'm a firm believer that a WS should pay one way or another for their actions. First they pay here on Earth... and then they have to answer to the Lord.

It's not vengence... it's Justice!

Changing directions now... your right... I have said, "and that's my final word on it" ump teen bazillion times on this thread... LOL. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

My G/F has decided that she is not going to let her exH and his actions... enter into our relationship anymore (we will see, I'm not holding my breath on that one).

I did tell her though... I wouldn't even consider marrying her so long as this clown of an exH is still involved in her life.

We are on shaky ground at best, until she cuts loose of her exH. I don't like to share any woman that I'm involved with... just call me old fashion! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

relady...

You sound pretty upbeat and that's a good thing.

Away time for yourself will do that for you. I think I need some more away time. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Well you mad the final move in your "D", and now it's just a matter of time now. As sad as that is... it does in fact open other doors for you as time goes on.

You have it pretty well together, and somewhere down the line... you will probably get involved in another relationship. I don't think we have to worry about you picking the wrong guy the next time around... at least I hope not.

Your in my prayers relady... hang in there... you will be just fine IMHO.

Thanks for the info on the Real Estate market. I'm probably going to buy another house sometime next year... but I would like to see the prices level off first before I do.

Wes...

Have you talked with your attorney yet? If so... what has he said to you about all of this.

avondale is right... don't throw out a list on her of things that she taking... especailly the small stuff (even if it was a wedding gift) it will just make her upset, and not help your situation one bit.

You do need to be there though... as it might make for possible conversation in a positive manner, as well as making sure she doesn't empty the whole house.

The things she brought into the "M", are hers... plain and simple and she can take those without your consent. Marital property (the big things), are what's off limits.

You do in fact have what might be your last oppurtunity to save your "M".

If and when she does come over to get her things... you are going to need to be able to step up to the plate and try hitting a home run with her, to see if she will change her mind.

Look your best, be cordial, don't beg or act needy, in fact you need to present yourself to her just as you did when you first met her.

No "LBing"! If you do... you will lose.

We have had a few recoveries on this thread, and they are still together as I write this.

You play your cards right... and who knows... you might be another one to go into recovery. I'm not saying that it will happen... but anything is possible when your in this situation.

Petvet, leah, Trusting Him, and I'm sure I've missed a few...

Hope you are all doing well... and that you are in thoughts and prayers.

Have a good weekend everyone!

Stay Strong!

Wallace

#715822 09/13/04 06:14 AM
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Well, my W came yesterday afternoon and picked up the things she was wanting. It went alot better than expected I guess. I expected her to have a bad attitude with me, but she was pretty much just emotionless with me. I was as nice as possible, and even helped load the large things. I made a few helpful comments to my W while her friends were outside carrying things out, and actually got a thank you out of her one of the times. I could tell she was trying to avoid having to talk to me, and could tell she didn't want to look at me. Still nothing else has been said about divorce papers, so I'm wondering if she filed or not. I figured it has been long enough that I would have received something by now.

I saw her laughing and smiling with her friend as they drove away, which got to me.

Wesley (feeling dazed)

#715823 09/13/04 05:50 PM
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New here. Don't know what to do. Heard rumors in 6/04 that my husband was screwing around with someone he works with (we work in the same building). I didn't believe it. Then I found the cell phone bills with over $400 calls over several months to this OW. Tried marriage counseling--he left. We are living in the same house since neither one of us is willing to moveout. He tells me that ,"everything is fine." and that he doesn't talk to that other person. I just don't believe him. he still sits 6 feet away from her. OW has a husband and I am tempted to tell him although i know nothing about him. I have thrown out the D word here and there and I am slowly creeping up on implementing my threat. I just can't take the lies--I dont believe anything he says and i don't believe anything he does. now what? We have no kids together. I am well-educated, attractive and I have a great job with no kids--only 31. Should I move on?

#715824 09/13/04 07:13 PM
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Hi All,

Hope everyone had a great weekend.

I went looking at houses with my G/F this weekend just to get a good feel for prices and such.

I looked at mostly new homes... which I felt were over priced for what they were offering... these builders are putting up some decent homes (which are all over priced of course) with absolutely no yard. Could you please pass the Grey Poupon mustard! (Hope my spelling was right on that mustard). <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

I told my G/F... why would I want to buy one of these homes... when my house is just as good, and in many ways better. No passing of the mustard in my neighborhood. We all have pretty good size yards. In fact they are tremendous compared to what they are offering these days.

Wes...

I'm sure you are feeling dazed. It's hard to watch your "W" walk right out the door and laugh about it. I guess she is showing just how inmature she really is... or maybe I'm missing something. When a "M" is breaking up... how could a person of any moral character find anything humorous about it?

You need to start looking after Wesley. I wouldn't concern yourself about her at this point.

If she files for "D", there is nothing you can do about it but to protect yourself financially, and mentally. You need to get together with an attorney... just to see what your options are.

We still haven't heard what your attorney may have said. You need to talk with your attorney and start gearing up for what just may come your way. I would take what happened with your "W" coming over very seriously... because at the moment I'm not seeing the love... at least from her anyway.

IMHO start gearing up Wes... I'm sorry to say.

paducah...

Welcome to the "Tough Love" thread!

Sorry to see that you are here... but there are many good people on this thread and on these boards... so you are in a good place based on what you have posted.

The line you wrote " Everything is fine", that your "H" states sent me back to my "M" with my exW.

She would say something very similiar. When I would ask her what's wrong? Her pat answer was... "nothing, everything is just fine"!

Our "M" went into oblivion with that old and tired answer... so I wouldn't give that answer that your "H" is saying much weight.

I will give you my take on this... some may agree, and some may disagree... but this is my take on making a "M" work.

It takes two to make a "M" work... and they both have to be committed to the "M". If for any reason they are not... then you need to pull back and assess the situation and see what you can or cannot do to put your "M" back together again.

Communication and honesty is essential in having a lasting relationship or "M". Failure on either ones part to fullfill this, and you more than likely will have problems in your "M".

I put these two "EN" as the most important... only because of the fact... if any area in your "M" is lacking... then that's where communication and honesty take over.

Over anything else!

If for any reason you find that you don't have that... such as what you have stated... then you have problems.

When you lose trust in someone your married to, you need to communicate just exactly why they have lost that trust.

If you only get the "everything is just fine" statement, when you know in your heart and in your mind that this could be anything further from the truth... then you need to look at your options.

IMHO, what you need to do... is do what I call a gut check.

By a gut check... you need to break it down to somewhat of a asset versus debit type of accounting scenario.

Put the positives on one side, and all the negatives on the other.

See how it looks after your done, and look to see where you can make improvements in order to put the negatives in the positive column.

If in your mind... you believe after working a good Plan A., that your not seeing any of the negatives go into the positive column, then you need to work a Plan B., and hope for the best at that point.

Only you know what your willing to put up with. Some people can tolerate much more than others.

We are all individuals, and each situation of someone's "M" is just as unique as the next. IMHO there are no set answers... just certain guide lines to follow which have worked in the past.

I would read as much as you can on this site... it's full of good info.

Let us know how your making out... and we will try to give you as much positive direction as we can. We will also give you any bad news that you might expect as well.

Hope everyone is doing well, and I hope you all had a very good weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

#715825 09/13/04 07:30 PM
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Wes ,
I'm glad you were able to be there, and hold your head high while she moved those things. It's regretable that she laughed, but maybe it was nervous laughter. Try not to take it personally. And what was it your lawyer has actually advised for you? Remember, legal advice is just that - advice. There are other factors to consider too - personal gut feelings, financial considerations, family input, etc...

Paducah ,
I think you might want to also post in the "General Questions II" , "Just Found Out" or "Plan A/B" forums. You will get many more responses. But before you do that, you should read everything on the Marriage Builders site about the MB concepts. Most people don't move to divorce unless they've exhausted all the other options (at least most of the people on this thread didn't). Is there something about the Tough Love concept that caught your attention?
It's difficult to reply to the "Should I move on" question with no previous interaction and little information. So read, read, read... <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wallace - Looking at houses with G/F could be a dangerous thing, LOL <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

#715826 09/14/04 04:12 AM
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Hi all!

Avondala: It seems as though things are moving along rather bristly now. If I were you, I would have a bottom alimony fugure that is acceptable and no less. If you have figured on a by out of the house, if you cannot afford to buy out on your own with funds laying around, you will have to refinance the house. It is important if you do have to refinance that you have the alimony figure agreed upon because that figure can be used to get your refinance. I know this process is hard for you because you had hope for so long that things would turn around. Believe me, if WH does not want to stay, let him go, there is light at the in of the tunnel.

Wallace: The exh has to go. He wants your gf to take care of him. Watch to see whether she starts defending him and puts you out of her priority list.

Relady: I don't know what was wrong with Al that night. All I know is that he was in the crowd drinking and singing up a storm.

Wes: See you attorney asap. Be careful and don't argue with her. Take inventory of what she has taken.

Me: No wedding guys. Exw informs me that she is taking me to court because I have taken her rights away with the kid. Angry woman.

Later.

#715827 09/14/04 05:17 PM
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Well my attourney was out Friday so didnt get to speak with him before my W came by, but he called me first thing yesterday morning. I told him what happened and what all things she came and got. He said that with as short as we have been married, and since the stuff she took she had in her possesion prior to the marriage, that there was no problem with her taking those things and that she would end up getting them anyway when and if things are divided.

He was also glad I was present when she came in.
I told him that I still hadnt recieved anything from her or an attorney. After the few times I have spoken to her on the phone before she came by, and the way she acted when she came by, I am starting to question myself and why I am holding on for this woman. She treats me like she doesnt even know me, and is so emotionless. I don't know if this is something that will change with time apart, but I am getting doubtful in any recovery. I have still been wearing my ring (had to move it to my middle finger now due to all the weight loss) but have been debating on if I want to continue. I'm really confused right now with her getting stuff, but nothing said about DV.Wondering if she isn't sure about DV or just doesnt have the money to file right now. It really sucks not knowing where I am headed or how long it is gonna be before I get there.

I hate to say it too, but I wasnt nearly as attracted to my W when I saw her on Sunday as I have been. I feel alot of it is just how I am perceiving things differently, but she appears to have let herself go downhill a bit. Looks to be gaining weight too.

Wesley

I know it has still been a short time apart compared to most of you, but I find myself wondering if I should continue my wait for her.

#715828 09/15/04 12:17 PM
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PRAY FOR US IN THE PANHANDLE OF FLORIDA! I evacuated & drove all night to Jacksonville to stay at my oldest son's house. I am soo tired right now and definately too old to be staying up late!!!!! I guess we won't be sailing this afternoon!!!!

WH came home 10 minutes after we left & is staying with the house.

This whole thing is in God's hands.

wqallace
</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I'm sorry to hear that your "H" is still using, as well as going down a hole he probably will never get out of.

He's doing cocaine (did I spell that right?) I think so - but I'm so tired right now...

How old is your "H"? Cocaine... booze
non- stop... does he have a death wish? He's 52 years old & looks like HELL when he comes home. By the time he leaves he looks pretty good and then starts all over again

Your "H" needs some serious help by the sounds of it, and unfortunately... it's not something you can do by yourself. He needs some serious professional help.

I have put him in Gods hands, I pray for him to get clean & sober but I cant do it for him

As sad as I am to say it... you are doing the right thing. When they get like that... they will take everyone and everything down with them while all this continues.

I stll can't close the joint account & they froze my account just before the hurricane. Thankd god for friends - I was able to borrow money to be able to get hurricane supples & to evacuate
My exW burned through over $353,000.00 plus and didn't have a thing to show for it... and to this day... still doesn't.

I think were probably above that figure... it is so disgusting to have literally "blown" or "peed " the money away.

Extra prayers for you WGTT.

THANK YOU WE NEED THEM RIGHT NOW!!!
</font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I am going to just unwind on this trip - go top the beach tomorrow.....

My thoughts and prayers to everyone today...

D.

#715829 09/15/04 12:36 PM
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I live in Alabama(but not on the coast), and Ivan is headed this way. My office has already closed for Thursday and Friday, and we are expecting high winds and flooding here where I live. So If I'm not around any the rest of the week or this weekend, then hopefully it's just due to a power outage.

Wish me and my dog luck.

Wesley

#715830 09/15/04 01:36 PM
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WGTT - I will be praying for you during this hurricane. It looks so big, I know you had to do a lot of prep for it, and packing, without your H. Hang tough! If you need to come farther north, I’m in central NC and would love a visit!

Wes - I will be praying for you also. Will your work load be more difficult next week from the office closing? During this hurricane, an opportunity might arise for you to reach out to your W, such as if she needs help with anything for preparation before or clean up afterwards. If you can do it emotionally, call and check on her. It won’t take much time, and if you’re sincere, she can’t say that you didn’t care.

#715831 09/17/04 07:25 AM
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I was lucky to not get any damage from Ivan, and never lost power for more than 10 minutes. Here are some photos from around my neighborhood and area.

Ivan Photos

#715832 09/17/04 02:54 PM
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Wes , glad you made it through the storm OK. How did your WW do?

#715833 09/18/04 02:18 PM
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I don't really know. She wont call me back. I guess I could call her parents, but they havent been very friendly since all this. Her father who I have been really close with wouldnt return my call last week. My WW said he doesn't want to get in the middle of anything, so I don't know if I should even try.

#715834 09/18/04 02:47 PM
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Hi Wallace,

Help me here. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I saw you say that if the G/F didn't cut all contact with the XH - you were leaving. Then, you're shopping for a house with her. Whassup?

Did she cut all contact?

Me....

Strange. I recently went out with a new guy. He asked if I'd ever been to teh new bar I went to that one night. I was like, Yes. Told him all about how me and my friend had fun... told him how the guitar player gave me his card.

WELL, he says that he wants to take me to dinner there. He did some of the construction... and is close friends with the owner. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Small world.

There's another guy interested in me, too. I'm going to date both of them on a "friendship" basis.

If they want me to get rid of one, they have to give me a reason.

See ya,

Laura

#715835 09/20/04 04:24 PM
Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,143
W
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Joined: May 2002
Posts: 1,143
Hi All,

Wes...

Those are some pretty good pictures! It looks like you were driving around in it... if you were... I'll bet that was a wild ride.

How many MPH winds did all of you get hit with?

Glad to hear that you didn't get any damage. Do you have a lot of clean-up to do?

For the record... when I continued on with my "D"... all contact from her side of the family ended... including contact with my kids as well. It's pretty well standard fair when things like this happens. Everyone feels that they have to chooses sides.

How sad it all really is!

WGTT...

I hope you made out all right with the storm. Let us know when you can, how you are doing.

Laura-Lee...

I decided to take my G/F with me to look at houses with me... because I'm thinking about selling my current house to my son, and I wanted to see what was out there.

It was a bad move on my part taking my G/F with me... because I think I gave her the impression that I was looking for a house for both her and I (which I wasn't). I was looking for a smaller home for myself and my YD... and I evidently wasn't clear enough with her over the last 2 years... that I'm not going to get "M" to her until all the kids are on their own... which will be in about 3 years.

It took her a week to get over that one!

She wants to get "M" like right now... and I know that I'm not ready to do that... and I know she isn't either. She knows that we are not ready for "M"... I just can't understand why she keeps pushing it all the time. The more she does it... the more it pushes me away from her.

Her exH, is Indiana now... and he has called her twice since I told her that I would call it a day if she didn't get rid of him. According to her... he is asking her for money... because he has no job, and supposedly no place to live.

I'm at the point with the whole thing... that I really could care less... I'm that blown out on the whole thing.

She knows, that I'm losing interest in her and the whole situation. I think... it's just a matter of time that I just walk away from the whole thing.

avondale...

Did any of the storm head your way?

Petvet...

I'm with you... no "M" for me for awhile either.

Hope everyone has a great day and a great week.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

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