Hi Stacy,

Welcome to the boards. So sorry you find yourself here, but this is a good place to turn for encouragement and help. I didn't find this site until later in my journey and I often wished I had known about it sooner. I wonder if it could have made a difference in my life. So it's good you're here now.

It would probably be very helpful to you to read all the different info. under the forum home and under concepts. There is much info, here and much to learn.

Condensed Version Of Plan A- To refrain from "love busters" and treat your wayward spouse with respect and kindness. Attempt to know and meet your husbands needs. Be the best possible wife you can be.

Condensed Version of Plan B- Total separation from the wayward spouse.

I am so sorry you are hurting and in so much pain. Please know you are not alone. I will go read your other thread so I can know more about your situation.

As far as, is there hope for reconcilliation, I believe there is always hope. Even if your marriage isn't recovered, you can recover. There is always hope in God. Although Petvet's story didn't end with reconciliation, he is now happily involved with his "Buddy".

Take care Stacy and God bless you!

Thank you for your reply Leah. I have noticed from the posts on this thread how encouraging and helpful everyone is. that is one of the main reasons I posted here. I am pretty much going through this alone..where I live I haven't any other friends and the friends we shared together has kind of sided with him.
I really am willing to give my 100% to save this marriage. I think my first mission will be the toughest and that is to leave him alone..he needs time to heal. He's angry at me and I keep pushing him. But I am so afraid of the "Out of site, out of mind" he has his comfort to talk with. I don't know what to do to make it attractive for him to come back home.

Hi Stacy,

One resource that I've found in the past couple of months is the Divorce Buster's site. I wish I was more computer savy then I could post a link. If you type Divorce Busters in your search, I'm sure you could find it. It was started by Michele Weiner Davis. She has some wonderful ideas for couples with major marital difficulties.

You might be able to find some helpful ideas there. She is very solution focussed. She gives specific strategies for people who want to recover their marriages when their spouse is uninterested.

It sounds as if you would be wise to give your H some space. Try reading under the 180 section. I'm trying some of those things now in my marriage.

Hang in there, Stacy. I hope you can find the help and support you're looking for. Let us know if you have any specific questions or concerns that we might be able to help you with.

Hi Stacy
I would suggest reading all the information on this site. The "Basic Concepts" area is where you should start. And here's a link for the explanation of Plan A & B: What are Plan A & B

Then, after reading, if you still have questions or something particular that applies to your own situation, we'd be glad to help you any way we can. Or you can post on the board. You may want to post on the "General Questions II" forum, too. There's a lot of traffic there, even on weekends.

I went to your original post about "Is all hope lost" and to be honest, it was difficult to read. If you could separate your paragraphs more it would keep the entire page of typed text from being so intimidating. I know that the first post is always difficult, and there's so much info that needs to be given, but people are usually more apt to respond if they can read it easily.

Keep posting, there are plenty of people here with experience who want to help <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

<small>[ February 17, 2005, 08:03 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Thank you both for your suggestions. I'm sorry my first post was fuzzy and hard to understand...my mind was in a frenzy and I wanted to get all my feelings out.

I did find the section on plan A and plan B and have decided that plan A is not going to work in my current situation. I am going with plan B and totally separate myself from my H. It will be difficult since we have kids that he wants to come and pick up on weekends and calls for them nearly every day.

I have wrote him a letter telling him although I love him very much and hope that this marriage can reach a reconciliation with new understanding of ourselves and more of an effort to communicate, I am going to have to remove him from my daily life. I have to avoid speaking to him or accepting any phone calls. We need this space to focus on ourselves and strenthen our future. My hope is we can share this together. The letter is a little more detailed, but that is the basic idea.

I hope this letter is a good idea. I need to give him time to heal and at the same time I need to focus on my own changes. Changes for myself and MY own future to make me a better person whatever the outcome.

How to you respond? How do you react?

So today is Friday and my weekend with the children. I get a call from the youngest daughter asking if she can spend the night with her friends. Due to the rapid responses from her and giggles in the background I know that something is up. Long story short I’m told that it is OK for her to spend the night, then that no parents have said she could spend the night to the other girls are going out of town and YD could not have spent the night anyway. *hangs his head is despair*

But then YD tells me...” I do not want to spend all week with you.” What’s up with this? She said the same thing Monday evening when I picked them up. I explain that it’s not all week but she goes on to tell me “But it is, we have to stay with you until Tuesday.” OK, Monday is a Holiday that I have off and the former wife does not. I’ve always had the children on Holiday that she does not get off. So actually it’s only until Tuesday morning when I take them to school.


But my reactions to this and how to respond if at all.

It hurts to have YD tell me that she does not want to come to my house. It causes me to second guess myself and how I act or treat them. I do believe that I’ve done well as a single Dad when I have them and have always been there for them but times like this make me question my abilities. I do desire for them to be happy and have a hard time determining if YD is only testing us, trying to find a way to make Mom and Dad talk, if she is scared to leave Mom alone or losing Mom or if it really is “I don’t want to spend all weekend with you.”

I want to tell her she has no choice but feel wrong about that.
I want to say “Fine” stay with Mom. (Which of course Mom will not allow and is bad on my part)
I want to cry…cry for the hurt and frustration she must have to even be put into a position where she has to say that.
I just want it all to end. All the hurt, anger, frustration and confusion to just go away and never return.
And sometimes…..sometimes….I just want to run, run as far as I can because it hurts so much.


I know, aimless ramblings from the confused mind of a single Dad trying to do his best.

(((( Trusting )))) I’m so sorry your daughter is having difficulty adjusting, no matter what the reason. How do your other kids respond? Have either of them given you any clue as to what might be going through your YD’s mind? I would guess it could be any of the reasons you’ve mentioned - or just plain old insecurity at having to alternate between two homes. You are a great dad, so don’t question your parenting abilities. Continue to ask God for help, and I’m sure He’ll guide you.

Relady - You have mail

Petvet - I agree with your buddy about St. Kitts. Hawaii sounds wonderful. You and she will have a blast. Are you taking the kids too? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" />

Wallace - we haven’t heard from you since BEFORE Valentine’s Day. Are you afraid to report the news of your elopement? Or have you not recovered from the dentist? I agree with Relady, I pay the extra $15 for nitrous oxide and enjoy the ride when they work on my teeth! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Leah - Has anyone asked the trivia question? LOL Hope you have a fun weekend with all the little girls sleeping over at your house!

My Valentine’s Day was actually fun. I had a blast with the two kids I babysat for. Although I sat in the jury pool all day, no one got called. So no juicy case to report. Hope everyone has a great weekend!

Petvet,
definately visit Maui. LaHaina is a wonderful town to visit, stay in. Take a catamaran out of the harbor to Molokini for snorkeling. Its about 10 miles (?) offshore but a great trip, Molokini is a eroded down volcanic crater. sheltered area for snorkeling in the crater part, back sheer cliff side is where they filmed some scenery for Mutiny on the Bounty.

Take a early(extremely, like 3am early) bus ride up to the top of Haleakala to see the sunrise..yes, its definately worth it and bicycle back down, great for kids if you can get them up that early.

Have a great trip

BTW..do you have any military friends? My bro was marines and he signed us into Hale Koa in Waikiki right on the beach for an ungodly cheap rate.

WGTT, someone told me today that residents of florida can get discounted tickets to Disney, is this true. B's sister doesnt know of any and I never heard this before but someone else agreed with the person who told me.

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 09:01 PM: Message edited by: sunrise1 ]</small>

Hey everyone,

I'm still alive... in fact when I got home from the Dentist... I tried to log in and tell everyone, "Happy Valentine's Day" to everyone... for some reason I couldn't log in. It would show me as logged in... and when I went to the D/D boards... I was logged out.

Anyway... it appears that it's working now.

I wanted to wish all the Ladies on this thread and on the MBer's boards a belated "Happy Valentine's Day. Hope you guys did well as well. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Stacey...

First of all welcome to MBer's and welcome to this thread.

Leah and avondale have both pointed you to the right area... and to answer your question IMHO, I would continue to work on your "M", and work a very good Plan A.

If you want your "M" bad enough... by what I've read so far... it's still very much a "M" that can be restored to where it needs to be.

We have had a few success stories from this thread... maybe yours can be one as well. I would like nothing better to see another "M" saved.

Leah...

How are you making out here lately.

I know you had some turmoil concerning your "H's" business trip.

What is happening with that at this point?

avondale...

Well you made it through Valentine's Day... I'm glad to hear that your still doing well.

I was listening to the radio with this gal talking about why they should abolish Valentine's Day on the "Dennis Pragure" radio show. At first I was kind of put off as they were bringing her up to do the show... but after I listened to what she had to say... it made a lot of sense. I think she has a web site named "what men think, or something,(don't quote me on that). But she wasn't coming off as some kind of kook... she really put things in perspective, and she made IMHO a lot of sense.

One of her statements were(and I'm paraphrasing), "For some people this is the worse holiday of them all. People who are single or divorced without a mate, etc... and she just took off from there. It was very hard hitting. Well after listening to this radio show... I was pretty much in agreement with abolishing Valintine's Day! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Trusting Him...

I would take your YD's comment's with a certain degree.

Kids... when they are upset with something... have a way of just laying it all out on the line.
In other words... they tell it like it is, and they don't hold back on their feelings when they are upset with something.

Now... I wouldn't take it personally, because your probably not the point of her frustration. What IMHO believe your YD is conveying is her unhappiness with what actualy is going on.
She's frustrated just like we all are at any given time.

I have had.... any one of my kids turn on me on any give day. Then the folowing day, or that same day... come back and apologize for what they have said, and/or the way they have acted.

Keep in mind... they are just as screwed up as we are!
We all need that constant stream of communication to let each other say what they are feeling. Without it... it will just create nothing but bitterness and hostility towards the whole scenario.

Listen to what all your children are saying to you.

Before you confront them with what anyone one of them are saying... say a prayer to have the Lord lead your way in the dialogue your going to have with your children... and I'm sure everything will turn out all right.

It's not you! It's life as it has presented itself to you at this moment.

Don't second guess yourself as a Father if you can help it (and yes, as Fathers, as well as Mothers... we all do it).

Petvet...

I'm I hearing this right? You and your buddy are going on vacation to Hawaii?

If that's the case... when are you leaving? Who knows... I just might meet you there! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

relady...

Business must be good... you need a partner... and a LLC type set-up <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Hope everyone has a great weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ February 18, 2005, 08:54 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Trusting Him,

Hugs and prayers for you. Please try to not take your YD's comments personally. I'm sure you're a wonderful dad. It sounds like she was just having a bad day and was frustrated with things.

My girls love their dad SO much but there are times they don't necessarily want to do things with him. I'm sure if we were separated there would be times they wouldn't want to go visit. It wouldn't be because they love him any less. Sometimes they just feel like staying home. There are days I'll ask if they want to visit grandparents or friends and they'll say "No, I just want to be home"

So, hang in there and try not to over react to her comment. I know it's easier said than done. I'm still trying to learn that lesson about not taking things personally. It's hard for me too. God bless you with a good week!

Wallace,

Glad to hear you survived the dentist. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> I think they closed down the MB board on V-Day for some work on their website. I saw the notice the day before.

I'm hanging in there at home. There have been some good things happening. Overall, I think I'm doing better about letting go. Something that's necessary no matter what.

Petvet,

Hawaii!! How nice for you and Buddy! I've always wanted to go to Hawaii. My sister and H have been a couple times and they loved it!

Relady and Avondale,

Hope you both enjoyed a nice weekend. Things went well here. Lots of kids and activity. Last night the youth group came over after church. It's fun having everyone around. Things are pretty peaceful on the homefront. I'm thankful for that!

Hope all of you have a nice weekend!

Wallace,

Thank you for your welcoming. yes, I feel this board has some of the best advice because people here are in similar situations and know what your feeling better than anyone else.

Right now I just feel all over the place emotionally, because I'm still in shock over everything that has happened. I don't want to believe it, I still want to "convince" hubby to come back..it will all work out. I now relaize all I am doing is pushing him further away.

After reading some of the material from this site and a few suggestions from fellow posters, he is in withdrawal. I have depleted his love bank with my selfish demands (to come back and try to forget about what I did) and not tending to his needs (his need for time to heal in his own way). I did something that made him confused and left with no more loyalty to our marriage. I want to start respecting him again and changing my habits at the same time. But I don't know where to start...especially when he is already moved out and is at least 2 hours away from me?

Stacy
I agree, it seems difficult to do *anything* when your H is so far away. Could you provide a little bit of background info? How old are your children, how long were you married, what are your current child custody arrangements? Also, have you or your H had ANY counseling (individual or couple/marriage)?

The book, "Surviving an Affair" is a good resource which you might want to get. I found it in my local bookstore but it's also available on this site. It has chapters that are applicable to both spouses and different types of affairs.

My suggestion after reading your last post is to find out what would make your H trust you again. Have you asked him this point-blank? Then, depending on his answer, is this something you can do for him? There is a fine line between giving distance for healing and turning your back on a marriage in order to personally heal. And the gray area in between is different for each person, depending on their own circumstances, stamina, inner strength, etc...(That's where we come in!) <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I usually suggest finding a counselor who can help if your H would be agreeable. The non-biased third party can help navigate through all the emotional minefields that you're BOTH going through.

Avondale

We have been married for 11 years. Our 2 children are 11 and 8. So far since nothing has been officially served, we do not have child visitation arrangements. We have talked in the past about him picking them up every other weekend, however he has had them the past 2 weekends in a row (He really misses them) and has been calling to speak to them every night.

The last time he was here to pick up the kids on Friday night. I had another talk with him (More like pleading again, but I am learning better now) and asked him if he would at least just think things over. I will give him his space and time to heal. In the meantime, could he go to a counselor in his area? He hesitated a little and told me that he has been busy with his new job, but I will see about it. I take that as a good sign because when I asked him before it was always no.

At the end of his visit he asked me to walk him and the kids to his car I asked him again if we could "date" He told me that I wasmoving way too fast..i am not giving him his space like I said and his time to heal.

So at this point, I am going to try and refrain from asking him any more questions or push.

Hi all!

Stacy: Welcome to the this thread, there are some very good folks here who offer great insight. Your marriage can be saved especially since you are at the beginning of the process. When one person wants the marriage to survive and the other does not, it's like playing chess because you don't know how the other person is going to react to your actions. One is always on the edge. Even though some of our marriages did not survive, please don't give up hope. Put forth your greatest effort, so that you know that you gave it all you had. Also, examine yourself to see what how you can meet your partners needs when H returns. If he does not return, you will learn how to be a better partner to someone else.Keep hope alive and pray for God to guide you in the right direction.

Trusting: I have been though your ordeal with a child before. It hurts like hell when your child turns on you like that. The kid made the statement because she wanted to hurt you. Why? 1. You may be viewed as the bad person among her parents. 2. Someone may be saying negative things about you to her. 3. She may get her way at home whereas you are a more strict parent. 4. She could be lashing out at either one of her parents due to the anger about the situation. 5. She is playing the age old one parent against the other game. My kid use to do it a lot. OK! He is still doing it. I always be direct but loving. My kid wants his way and has made statements similar to your child. I recommend that you observe what's going on , but DON'T LET HER DISRESPECT YOU! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Sunrise: Thanks for the Hawaii tips. I will take them under advisement. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Leah: I hope all is well. What plans have you made for the trip? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Cool]" src="images/icons/cool.gif" />

Avondale: I'm glad you had a good time on Valentine's Day. Work on yourself and do single things that you put on the shelf while you were married. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Relady: What's going on sis?

Wallace: How are the choppers? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> No Valentine's Day? Hmmmmmmmm! Interesting? Hallmark, Proflowers, and DeBeers would not allow that to happen. They would send out assasins to eliminate the detractors.

Me: Valentine's Day was off the chain. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> We are planning on taking the kids with us to Hawaii. We are just trying to find good deals with air fare. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

Later.

Petvet,

Thank you for your welcoming to this thread.

I have tried to keep on to my hope, but it seems from one day to the next it waivers. I seen H again yesterday as he dropped off the kids. I expected him a little later in the day so stayed behind at work for a bit. On my way home, he calls my cell as soon as I answer he asks "And just where are you at?" I told him I was on my way home from work. He informed me he was already at the house with the kids. I knew my uncle was there so I told him he could drop them off and go on home if he wanted.

When I got there he came up to the car and asked me if he could borrow money for his car ride home. I felt mixed emotions..when this man left he left me with house rent I couldn't afford, bills unpaid and two kids to feed. I asked him for money before and he always got mad and reminded me about the tax "incident" well now he's asking ME for gas money! I wanted to be nice and kill him with kindnes, so I gave it to him. Then he asked about some papers that i was supposed to fill out listing our assets and debts. I told him I haven't filled anything out and that I was confused because last time he was here and we talked I thought he was going to wait a while while he thinks things over. He told me he hasn't filed anything yet, he just wanted to have it with him.

Well this kind of scares me anyway so I tell him I am going to lay my intentions out on the table. I told him that I was going to do everything I could to save my marriage. If it takes going to counseling and making myself a better then thats what I am going to do. I will back off him and hope that he too goes to counseling. He got a little angry at that and told me he already said he would try..stop pressing so I dropped it. After he just looked at me and said "Alright" came over to me and gave me a hug and kissed my forehead. I asked him flat out if there was anything I could do to have him trust me again. This seemed like a bad thing to say because he got angry again and told me "Theres nothing in this world that would make me trust you again." Kisses the kids and leaves.

I feel again that its hopeless and that I really messed this up. Besides he so deep in the fog talking with the OW. She's probably the one convincing him I am such a terrible woman for what i did and I should never be trusted...etc

I don't know where to pick up again...

Hey all, I'm still here!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Although I should pack my bags because I swear California will slip off into the ocean if it continues to rain. I may make it to Hawaii before Petvet!! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

This weather is truly unbelievable. I've been working from home for the last couple of days.

Avondale

Thank you for the info. I will check those websites and make a decision soon.

I'll check in later.

relady

</font><blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr /><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">PetVet said:
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">3. She may get her way at home whereas you are a more strict parent.</font></li>
• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">4. She could be lashing out at either one of her parents due to the anger about the situation.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"></font><hr /></blockquote><font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">I think you pretty much pegged it with those two.

She does get her way at home. When she wants something she screams and pitches fits until Mom gives in and gives her what she wants. It drives the other two batty listening to all the screaming and fighting between the two of them.

Oh! I try to get her to behave when she is with Mom but she knows that she does not have to because she has learned to get what she wants.

I had her over the weekend and all went well until Sunday when I had to tell her no. She wanted to call Mom. *chuckles* I know it's not funny but she called her Mom because she was mad at me and wanted to go home. She did get over it and typically she is pretty good.

I guess a large part of it may stem from the fact that she now has to compete with 2 more boys. It seems that the former has gone crazy trying to prove to her new BF that she is a good Mom. She always has his 2 boys with her. Funny thing is the children do not see much of him. She picks his kids up on Sunday morning to take them to Church while he stays home. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

And yes, she is angry at the sitiuation and is probably handleing it the best she can for an 8 YO.

At Last the former wants our son to be checked out by the Doctor. I have been concerned about him over the last few months as he has lost weight, sleeps, eats less andother little things in his life. She's always told me that there is nothing wrong with him and that the children are adjusting just fine. Anyway...I called his doctor to ask a few questions and was going to talk to the former about taking him. It seems that between the time I talked to the Doctor his wife made a comment to the former stating that our DS sure does look sickly and pale and that she might want to bring him in for a checkup and some bloodwork. Ack! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Mad]" src="images/icons/mad.gif" /> I say something and there is nothign wrong, a friend says something and all of a sudden he needs to be checked out.

The funny thing about that is that even the DS noticed. He asked me Daddy, why is it that when you told Mommy that I needed to go to the Doctor she said that everything was fine but when Mrs. Friend says I need to go she listens and makes me an appointment? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" /> Is about all I can say.

He and I did talk a good bit late Friday night as he slept most of the day (Holiday for them). He mentioned that he cries when reading books that he has already read when he did not cry before. He mentioned watching a movie and said that he cried during that too.

What did the former say about him. He's anemic, iron deficenicy, and today said that he may have arthritis but would really like to know what is up with him. Duh! <img border="0" alt="[Teary]" title="" src="graemlins/teary.gif" />

OK...enough ranting....


Pray that everyone is doing well. Stacy, listen to the wise people here as they have much valueable information that they can share.

Hey All!

I've been pretty busy, but thought I wold drop in for a moment and say hi to everyone.

I have my B-day today... so things are way up in the air.

I'll be back, and get caught up on everyone's posts probably tomorrow.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Happy Birthday, Wallace.