Wallace - Happy Bday to ya! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" /> Are you 29 again? or is that 39 again? LOL

Stacy - I think you are on the right track. Continue to let your H know that you love him and are willing to work on your M as you have opportunity, but don't get into anything more than that (unless it is about your kids).

Relady - Are you anywhere near all the sinkholes, mudslides, etc.? California is a big state and I'm not sure what part you are in.

Petvet - I think that is the most verbose post you have had in a while (on Feb. 22), perhaps even since I've been posting here. It was very insightful. How is your son doing, btw?

Leah - Are you doing OK? Has the decision been made about your H's business trip - and if so, what was it? I hope he's continuing to mind his Ps & Qs while you're implementing Divorce Busters techniques.

Me - Nothing new, gathering tax info. One good thing has worked out - since my D was final at the first of the year (vs. in Oct.), I think it will decrease some of the "figuring" my CPA has to do. How does my purchase of his half of the house (and subsequent re-fi of that amount) figure into things?

Hello to any lurkers!

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 06:52 AM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Hello everyone

Yesterday was my first day to stop the urge of talking to H. He called for the kids and this time I looked at the caller ID and just handed the phone straight to D11 without me talking to him or asking to speak to him after. It was tough, but I know once I get on the phone I will pressure him somehow and that is what I need to change.

I also called my friend in Reno and ended up having a 3 hour phone conversation with her. As I was explaining my sitch to her and what I have been doing, I started to notice my habits. It is a very huge control issue I have. I pressure someone to the point they have no other choice but to do what I want them to. In my head it makes me feel safe in the world around me, but to the other person its just control. It has been a learned habit since I was a kid. Good thing is, habits can be changed but will take a lot of work.

I have made myself an appointment with a new counselor and decided to write down the issues I want to change about myself and work from there. I feel a little better because it has given me new hope to save my marriage. The fog will be lifted and H will see. But if it doesn't, at least I will have changed myself to a better person for me and my future.

So for today at least, I feel good. Thats how I am going to be taking it..one day at a time.

Thanks again everyone for your words of encouragement and advice.

~Stacy

Hey All!

Had a long night last night... so if I say anything that doesn't make sense... just ignore it... I need more sleep than what I got last night.

Stacey...

Thank you for the B-day well wish.

I think avondale gave you some real good advice, and I'm going to second what she stated.

Your last post indicates to me that your on the right track with your "H". You don't want to seem needy, but on the other hand you don't want him to think that your not interested in the "M" all together as well. It's a real tight rope to walk, especially if your doing it from seperate households.

You have a good attitude about this it seems... carry that with you, and try very hard to not go into a controlling mode, and hopefully your "H" will notice the difference.

avondale...

Thank you for the B-day greeting.

If I read your post right concerning you buying your "H's" half of the house out. I don't believe you have to report anything concerning that... you didn't sell your half of the house... he did. So, it would be he that might have to claim the income on his taxes. I do believe there is a one time exemption of $250,000.00 as long as you have lived in the house for at least 2 of the last 5 years. Maybe relady can chime in on this, or someone with some good tax knowledge like Petvet. If someone says that I'm wrong about that... I stand corrected.

relady...

I have relatives in Southern California, and the are getting hammered with rain. I heard it's the most rain in that area since 1896.

Hope your not getting water logged over there... in fact I heard you might even see the sun today.

Petvet...

You lucky guy... going to Hawaii! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hope you have a great time, and I'm glad to hear that you and buddy are doing well.

Trusting Him...

Boy! I hope your son is going to be O.K. I would keep an eye on him for his own sake. Sounds like your former is to preoccupied by playing Mom to her B/F's kids. I wouldn't let that sit for too long if that keeps up.

Me...

My B-day was very enjoyable. I took everyone out for dinner, and then I opened all my gifts. I got lots of stuff! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Well now I have to concentrate on my taxes for this year, and I'm filing a motion to the Courts to extend my exW's child support. My YD emancipates in April, but she is still going to College and living with me. I'm pretty sure I'll get the extension, as well as a few other things I didn't ask for the first time around.

Well I hope everyone is doing well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace,

Happy Belated Birthday!! Hope you had a great time turning 39 again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> Sounds like your B-Day was fun!

Petvet,

Have fun planning for Hawaii. Wow, long post last time. I always sit up and notice when you have so much to say. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

Trusting Him,

Hope your son is okay. It sounds as if he's going through a rough time. I'll keep him in my prayers.

Relady,

Hope you're surviving all the rain and weather out your way. Hope all else is good your way.

Avondale,

I hope things are going well for you. Sorry, I don't know much about taxes and real estate. Hopefully someone here can help you out.

Stacy,

It's very good that you're recognizing those things you can improve in yourself. That's the first step towards positive change. Keep at it and with consistency, your H will hopefully see the changes you're making.

You are walking the fine line of letting H know you're interested while still giving him his space. I had to do the same at one point in time. It was tricky. I did find that when I was strong and less needy my H wss always more drawn to me. I tried to be upbeat and pleasant even when I didn't feel that way. He respected this and still appreciates me being this way.


Me,

Things are going better at home. I'm learning about some things I need to change about me. Mostly, it's truly letting go and keeping my mouth shut. Things go much better when I do this.

In regard to letting go... I have decided NOT to go on his trip with him. He has made it clear that he would prefer me to NOT come and I think it would set us WAY back as he would view my presence as both controlling and non-trusting.

I know you all felt I should go but the more I prayed about this and thought about it, the more convinced I was that it was best if I didn't. I know my H and he would resent it.

Anyhow, I continue to pray that God will reveal truth to me about myself and about H. I'm trusting Him to do this. I'm much more at peace when I live at this level rather than playing detective and trying to control this situation.

Thanks for your help and support with this. I truly do want to LET GO.....

<small>[ February 23, 2005, 07:45 PM: Message edited by: Leah2be ]</small>

Trusting,
Please forgive me for not including my comment to you on my last post. Somehow it got left off. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Confused]" src="images/icons/confused.gif" />

When is your son's doctor appointment? His symptoms sound concerning and I will certainly be praying for him - and for wisdom for you and the doctors. This can't be fun for him, either.

I was going to send this to the jehovah rophe site but wasn't sure how often you check mail there.

Hi Leah,

Thanks for the belated B-day well wish. It's hard being 39 years old year after year. It's a dirty job I know... but someones gotta do it.

Well gotta run... back to work for me.

Hope everyone has a great day.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ February 24, 2005, 10:13 AM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Hello everyone,

Well I had a little ray of sunshine yesterday. My yearly review at work came up and my supervisor wanted to go over it a little early with me. I was nervous at first, but it was all so good..she said I am doing an excellent job and is handing me more responsibilities. She also wants to send me to a seminar to take my skills one step higher. I was also given a raise. I felt so proud, so I took my kids out to dinner to celebrate.

I wanted to so much call my H and tell him the news, but I remembered I am giving him his space and that means no contact every day. I'll just casually mention it to him when he picks up the kids.

Hi Stacy,

What great news! Congratulations! It sounds as if you're doing well. Keep up the good work! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Stacy
I’m glad you mentioned it to us instead of giving into the urge to call your H. Congratulations! That is wonderful news. And especially good since you have gone through some “stuff” recently in your personal life yet (evidently) it hasn’t affected your job performance. There are people on these boards that have lost jobs due to not being able to work, taking days off for personal reasons, etc. So we can certainly be proud of you, knowing what it takes to go to work while going through gut-wrenching emotions. Taking the kids out to eat is a great way to celebrate. Congratulations again! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" />

Hi Stacey,

CONGRATULATIONS!!! on your job review.

As avondale said... it does take a lot to try to maintain in your job while you have all the wonderfulness flying around you with not knowing which way your "M" or life may be headed.

Keep up the good work, and stay the course with what your doing.

IMHO though... I wouldn't tell your "H" about your raise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't he bumming money from you?

Well I hope everyone is doing well.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Thank you all for your congrats <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

Wallace: I do have mixed emotions about telling him about my raise. On one hand I want him to view me in a positive light, but on the other hand, he did borrow money from me and I don't want him to think that I don't need much help from him regarding our kids (child support).

It is indeed a fine line. I love my H and want to continue on spending th rest of my life with him. But what he's doing to me now, makes me want to throw in the towel and run for cover. I wish I had a guardian angel to tell me what the heck to do sometimes.

Hi All,

Stacey...

It is my belief that you do have a Guardian Angel, but your true source of wisdon will come from the Lord and his good book the Bible. Give your situation to the Lord, and let him lead you.

Try not to interject yourself into the situation (easier said than done), and just let the wisdom and his guidance take over. If you do... you will know his presence.

Getting back to letting your "H" know about your raise... I wouldn't tell him... especially if there is child support involved. Telling your "H" about how well your doing at work and getting a raise IMHO, will not save your "M". So please don't think that's going to make a big difference in what's happening with you right now. In my past "M", that would not have changed anything in my mind.

Keep doing what your doing... your doing fine!

Don't act or appear to be needy, and just maybe your "H" will snap out of his stupor and see the light.

Me...

I have a question for everyone. This has really been bothering me, and I'm going to state my dissatisfaction about it tonight.

My G/F's exH has been calling her just about everyday here for the last several weeks. She says she isn't taking his calls, that she just lets the answering machine take a message.

In summary... he's trying to get back with her, and I'm at the point where... he can have her.

I have been curtailing my time with her the last several weeks... in fact I think I may be emotionally withdrawing from her.

She talks "M" with me... and I'm thinking in my mind... I don't ever see this happening, with this Clown calling all the time. In fact I told her... so long as he is around bugging her... I'm not even going to consider getting "M", in fact I'm to the point where I'm not sure I even want to keep seeing her anymore because of it all.

I'm going to cancel everything with her for this weekend (not that we really had any plans, because we didn't). I just need some time to think, and with her exH calling from Indiana everyday and we are in Colorado... it's just starting to work me to a point where I would just as soon walk away from the whole thing.

By the way... he's not calling to see how his kids are doing... they all have cell phones of their own.

If you all could give me some opinions on this... it would be really appreciated.

relady... I have a pretty good idea what you might say... but go ahead and really stick it to me, so I just might wake up.

Hope everyone has a really great weekend.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

Wallace - I'll start, and Relady can finish. Leah is too sweet, and Stacy doesn't know the history... I did a quick search on this and in about 3 minutes found two of your posts about the same subject, starting in Jan 2003. Your g/f had just sold her house, and her H was calling her daily. I knew you have told us that this had happened before . I have a couple of thoughts for you to chew on <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> :

1) Say you’re right, and her H wants to get back with her. If you weren’t in the picture, do you think she’d be more interested in reconciling with him? What if the Lord was moving in that direction? How easily could you let your g/f go?

2) Is it possible that she is “playing this up” to get more attention from you? (This is an old female trick that we all know how to play.) Can you verify through caller ID logs that he's calling her - and how often?

SOLUTIONS:
1) Plan to be there next time he calls and answer the phone yourself. You can say whatever you want, or tell him to quit calling. This would also verify the calling pattern.

2) Break up with your g/f because she’s manipulating you. Yeah, right. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Razz]" src="images/icons/tongue.gif" /> You are just a big marshmallow when it comes to her and we all know it. She recognizes what a great guy you are and capitolizes on it.

3) Suggest she put a call block on his number. The local phone company can do this for a nominal monthly charge, and if this is really happening and she really doesn’t want to get the call, she can find a way to pay for it. That way there won’t even be a hangup on the answering machine, and the caller is notified that their calls are not being taken by her number.

There ya go. I will be interested in what everyone else has to say.

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 07:55 PM: Message edited by: avondale25 ]</small>

Thanks for the response on this sitch avondale.

I just got off the telephone with her after about a one hour conversation.

Long story short... I told her to call me when she wanted to have a relationship... and left it at that. She wants me to choose her over my kids, and I'm not about to do that.

She's frustrated that we both have kids at home... and without buying a huge estate to accomodate everyone in order to get "M". She decided to frustrate herself, and then told me she had given up on the relationship.

I told her goodbye and good luck, as I wasn't going to choose to either have her as a wife with her kids, and dump my kids, to be "M" to her... without my kids, as my YD is still living with me as well as my OS.

My OS can fend for himself, and we talked about the what-ifs of all of this and he was in the mindset of, whatever you would like to do... then go ahead and do it.

My YD on the other hand is whole different story. She is still living with me and going to College. I'm not going to disrupt that for my G/F or anyone.

My G/F said... "well we got stuck with all the responsibilities".

Well yes we did! Because we are resposible people.

I don't look at that as a negative... but as postive. I wouldn't want to be associated with anyone that felt any differently.

Well anyway... she told me that she had given up on the relationship a long time ago because of the above mentioned statement.

That's when I told her, "I don't like dancing by myself and it's time to say goodbye... and if she ever truly wants a real unselfish relationship... to give me a call".

So no marriage for me... I'm out! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

I dont' like to be pressured into doing anything... especially when it comes to getting married.

When push comes to shove, especially when it comes to marriage, and after what I've been through... good bye and good luck.

Thanks avondale for your post!

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ February 25, 2005, 10:01 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

Wallace,

Wow! <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> Do you really mean that? It seems it has gotten to this point before, but I certainly can relate to that scenario.(The thinking it's over for sure, just to have it turn around the next day)

I can't help wonder how the ex-H really plays into this situation. Why does your G/F tell you of his phone calls if she isn't really communicating with him? Is it just to get you jealous so that you'll want to move on the "M" thing?

Avondale's right about her suggestion that G/F can get her H to stop calling if she really wants to. If she is at all having second thoughts about reconciling with him, then you would be very wise to stay away from that entire situation. That could lead to heartache for all of you.

I totally understand what you're talking about when you say you don't like to be pushed into things. That is so like my H. I'm really starting to understand that in a whole new light.

When I back off on what I want, things are so much better around here. H will give so much more when I'm not pushing for whatever. He needs to know he's in charge and that I respect his thoughts and decisions. I'm doing lots better with that and I can see such a positive difference. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Smile]" src="images/icons/smile.gif" />

I'll be praying for you and all that takes place with your girlfriend. Be careful and keep looking to the Lord to direct your path. He will give you an answer as you wait on Him. Keep in touch. We all care lots about you and want to see you happy. ((((Wallace)))))

Wallace ,
I read your Friday night post but wasn’t quite sure what to write, so I slept on it. So many different things went through my mind.
</font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">This whole scene has happened before (you calling it off, just to get back together again)</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are so very right that your kids come first, especially until they are adults on their own. Don’t let your son’s apparent nonchalance fool you - I bet he has an opinion! You know how guys are - they do NOT share their feelings easily, even (or ESPECIALLY) with parents.</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> </font>

• <font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial">You are also right that you are the responsible one. I’m thankful that you’re looking at it as a positive, because that’s what it is! If our kids didn’t have one of us being responsible, Lord help our families!</font></li>

<font size="2" face="Verdana, Arial"> I’m willing to bet your g/f will call you back, apologize, and you’ll forgive her and things will be back to what they were a few weeks ago. Has that happened yet? Did you totally give your heart to her? (If so, it seems it would be more difficult to extract yourself from your relationship - but maybe you’re condensing everything here on the board.)

Part of your signature line is “stay strong”. You do that in so many ways - but can you continue to do that with your g/f ?

Hi All,

Thanks for your responses concerning my situation.

This continued pressure by her wanting to get "M", and her exH has been going on now for quite sometime and it all came to a head Friday night over the phone.

Due to some of the things that she said during the course of that telephone converstion, and has said, I will not be calling her.

I don't anticpate her calling me anytime soon.

She is very upset with me because I will not commit to a specific time to get "M". After the other night's telephone conversation, I personally don't see myself probably ever getting "M" again.

Even after almost three years of being single... I believe that I am still mourning the death of my first "M".

In regards to my Stay Strong! I adopted that closing statement when I was going through my "D", and have never let go of it. It's not a part of my sig line... I type it every post I make. It's a reminder to myself and to all who wish to follow it... that it's something that you must do on a daily basis to get through each and every day.

Personally I think that I'm just going to go into a Plan B. mentality and take a break from relationships for awhile.

How is everyone else making out? I hope your all doing better than me.

Thanks for being here all.

Stay Strong!

Wallace

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 02:27 PM: Message edited by: Wallace ]</small>

I hope there is room in here for 1 more!! I have questions that I need help with and I hope that this could be a place I could start. I am reading the book Love Must Be Tough and I really like it BUT I'm not sure how to approach it. Here's a breif history, in November of 04 my wife of 13 years told me that she has had enough and would like to divorce in the spring. Her main reason is that she felt that I drank too much and that we have had more bad times then good in the past. I know that I drink, more then I should, but always at home not in a bar somewhere. I went into the panic and appeasement mode when she told me about splitting up. I stoped drinking so much, it's to the point that she is the one that will give me a beer sometimes. I am doing things around the house more like fixing things that she has been asking about. I am the one that does most of the cooking and shopping and a lot of the cleaning and I also work 45-50 hrs/wk. I'm not trying to justify my drinking but I do things while I drink too. We have been married for 13 years and together for 16 years and we have 3 great kids a boy 14 and a girl 10 and a boy 10(twins) she was 20, I was 23 and our oldest son was 15 months old when we got married. In the past 10 years I don't think that we have made love 50 times and most of the time I had to beg for days. 3 years ago she had a hysterectomy and both overies were removed, she had a bad case of endometriosis. She is using HRT to control the hot flashes. I'm not too sure if I'm in love with her or even if I want to stay married to her if things on her part don't change but I also know that the hormones aren't there to help me either. OK to get back on track. She is convinced that it is over and no way will she be in love with me again. I want her to go to councelling with me and I tell her that it can help us fall in love again. She wants to have nothing to do with that. Here is where it gets sticky, She has a friend that is male...she has normally had more male than female friends but this one is different, she is always on the phone with him talking about his marriage problems and this friendship really took off in November at the time she told me she wanted me to leave in the spring. I have told her that I don't think that it is health for her to be spending alot of time with this guy. My kids upset about the amount of time too. When I bring it up to her she responds by saying that it doesn't really matter because we are done anyways. I am still here because of money. neither one of us can afford to stay here in this house on our own. She thinks she can and I know I would have a better chance of making it here. I don't feel that since she wants out and doesn't want to try that I should have to leave the house and the kids to start over somewhere else. She wants everything to go her way and wants to still be friends with me when its over. My big question is what would be the best thing to do. I have always been the "nice guy" I have never told her that if she continues to do the things she is doing she will have to leave. She has already told me that she wants me to leave...will telling her the same thing she wants me to do, do anything? I need some advice!

Thanks,
sota_dad

<small>[ February 27, 2005, 07:17 PM: Message edited by: sota_dad ]</small>

Sota ,
Whew, that’s a lot to assimilate. Welcome to the Tough Love thread. The following post is my personal opinion/take on what you wrote. Others may post something entirely different.

You have several things going on right now. By your own admission you have had a drinking problem. This may be in the past (or maybe not), but there is a history there that your wife needs to see reversed. For example, if your drinking and associated behavior went on for ten years, your wife is not going to think things have improved overnight or even in a few months. There needs to be a track record to prove that you’ve stopped or reduced it to a level that would be acceptable to your wife. For some people, this would take a few years! I have been to both AA and Al-Anon meetings and I will guarantee that you don’t realize how your actions have affected your family and the way you all relate to each other, even if you no longer drink. IMHO this could probably have a lot to do with the other problems in your marriage, even contributing to why your wife is looking for attention from another man.

It was good that you suggested counseling. I would continue to suggest it, and even see a counselor by yourself if your wife won’t go. The way marriage counseling works is that each person can still receive help to work on themselves (thereby strengthening their relationship). But as with all of us, each person still can improve themselves.

As to how to apply Tough Love to your situation...I’m not so sure at this point if Tough Love is what is needed while you both have issues that need to be worked on.

You don’t mention what state you live in. Each state has different separation/divorce laws and you should be familiar with yours before you decide about who leaves and when. In my state, you have to live in two separate houses for a year before you can divorce. And most would agree that whoever moves out oftentimes loses out on the most custody.

You might want to copy your post and put it in the "General Questions II" forum, too. There is a lot of traffic there.

Sota,

There's always room for one more. Hope we can be of some help to you. Avondale made some good suggestions already.

As far as separation, that I can speak to as I've been dealing with that issue the past six years. (H has left twice by his own choice as he was involved with someone else.)

Since then there have been times I've wanted him to leave, as the situation was not good for a long while. Long story short, attorney said he had as much legal right to be here as me, as long as both names are on the deed. I think that is a pretty common law but might vary from state to state. I live in Virginia.

I was also told that unless there is physical abuse, a spouse can not force another spouse to leave. So you might want to check into the laws of your state before doing anything.

I've also been told, by a lawyer, that I should not leave the home, as it would not be to my advantage later. I would give you the same advice. If your wife is unhappy with the marriage, let her be the one to leave. If possible, I think you need to stay put for right now.

Keep trying to do the right things and hopefully with time some of the various issues can be resolved.

God bless you in the midst of your difficult situation. I hope things will begin to change in a positive way as you seek to learn and grow.
Take care.