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Joined: Apr 2001
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I'm not doing such a good plan B. WW asked me to watch kids last night so she could go to an X-mas party.. w OM...<p>We had gone to son's Christmas concert last night..I had a good time; I'm missing the family, us..<p>She called this am to see what time kids are returning, asked if I could pick up a tree for her..<p>Now, she's hung over and I having a rough morning; I'm sad, resentful...thinking about being separate for the holidays..<p>So - a good day for a relationship talk, huh!<p>So of course I did just that...brought up things she had said in the past. She denies, says I'm twisting her words.. ( to me, I remember clearly things like, the only good thing we did was the kids, I never loved you, you never loved me..I brought up the kids comment. She says I don't feel that way, why would I say that? You always twist my words to suit your agenda..)<p>I said to me, things didn't have to be this way ( divorce)..if we had dealt w truth..true feelings, things she's saying now about how she felt then...
I said if I had known how you felt then we could've adressed it, it didn't have to be this way.
I reminded her she had said we could counsel again. She says "it's not a mathematical formula..maybe at the time I felt that way..."<p>About OM.I KNOW not to bring that up..did anyway.
She denies it's an affair, got defensive. Says I would tell you if it was..
Now, of course I know a ton of stuff about them that I didn't bring up..
I said it would help me to know that if they're in love and that's where her focus is to tell me..<p>She says it's not the case, if it was I would tell you..I've already told you about him..she says it's just that she can't work on us; that we're not recoverable to her..no "peace", she kept asking for peace; she HATES to talk about us, always has..<p>To me, before OM came into picture, this was not our relationship. She's become cold, distant, blaming.. aagghh<p>Says she's gone through this arguing for the past 10 years.. doesn't want to do it anymore...<p>No shouting, but she's accusing, blaming..I told her that she's right where I saw she was, that I've apologized repeatedly..I didn't like being blamed constantly...<p>So, she says she has papers, will be returning them next week. I said when will I be served? She says she doesn't know how these things work ( hah!), she was at meeting but didn't pay attention, she's overworked, tired...<p>
Says she thought we could "hang around today" after I set up tree. I had sent her another plan B e-mail . She says she doesn't buy the "it's too painful.."<p>What a mess. And I was a giver. I loved to give affection, and did it constantly. I participated w family things, kid care..said constant loving things..( ok , I was also no angel, had a temper issue. No shouting, cursing or throwing things,or personal attacks, but things had to be "right"...I didn't know..)<p>And here I am. <p>To me, it seems they're relationship is serious. Regardless of her denials.<p>To her, I am the cause of her misery..<p>I am not ok today. I miss my family and still love my wife.<p>She does not respond in a positive way to any repair attempts or any "us" issues..<p>Not sure what I did to cause or deserve this..<p>Dan
brwnd2@aol.com<p>BTW, she says I look great, act great, great body [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] , has said through our relationship I'm a fantastic dad..great guy..<p>[ December 08, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

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Dan,<p>
I really don't know anything about your story but it is so scary how it parallels my life 6 months ago. If I didn't know better I'd swear your wife is my X.<p>Anyway I can tell you some things that worked and didn't work in our ending. I'll e-mail you my phone numbers.<p>Take care

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If you get any good constructive advice, please pass it on - my WH sounds EXACTLY the same way too. K

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LostHusband - thanks, I'll give you a call.<p>I did pick up a tree with the kids, set it up at her house, and helped them string lights.<p>Then I said I had to go, stuff to do.<p>"don't you want to stay awhile?"<p>She invited me to come over for Christmas.<p>I said no thanks. "But where will you go?" [img]images/icons/confused.gif" border="0[/img] <p>What is she thinking? Returning papers next week, come on over for Christmas..<p>I think, as my sister put it, " she's messing w your head.."<p>It is surreal...<p>She complains that I want" all or nothing"..she wants to " connect where we can, and if we can't so be it"...<p>Can I planB or what!<p>Dan<p>brwnd2@aol.com<p>[ December 08, 2001: Message edited by: Family Man ]</p>

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Family man,<p>did you ever counsel with the Harley's? you are confused because you lack a game plan from an experienced coach. This revisionist history is par for the course, ignore it. Its the fog, you can't see behind you or ahead of you for more than 10 feet.<p>Secondly, if you want the marriage, stop sabotaging yourself. call the harley's and get a plan.<p>this is not a professional help substitute bbs, but one that operates in close proximity to one.
Help yourself, get a plan from the professionals, and see what happens.<p>good luck
and stop with all the relationship talk,
that is always a big LB at this point in time.<p>WIFTTy

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WhenIfindthetime - thanks. I started w Steve in April; last session was on 11/19. <p>He advised me to go to plan B.<p>Problem is, I can't do a "textbook" B, I don't have a suitable intermediary.<p>Plus, I have 2 young kids. 8 & 3 yo.<p>So although I try to avoid contact , she often pulls the " kid card".<p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>This revisionist history is par for the course, ignore it. Its the fog, you can't see behind you or ahead of you for more than 10 feet.<hr></blockquote><p> <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Secondly, if you want the marriage, stop sabotaging yourself<hr></blockquote>
<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>and stop with all the relationship talk,
that is always a big LB at this point in time.<hr></blockquote><p>True, true..
My emotions runneth over sometimes...

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FamilyMan - if you are in plan B, you can't be offering to do things for her. Do things with your kids, but separate from her. When you attend kid events like the concert, sit apart (youngest in between?) and don't get into relationship talks. <p>With kids you can't do a "textbook" plan B. During the first few weeks, I didn't have phone service and that actually made it tougher, because I couldn't easily reach my intermediaries. But with minimal and business-like contact, she will realize that it's plan B.<p>Right now, I don't think your plan B can have an impact. Yes, the kids will suffer somewhat and so will your wife, but that's the consequence of a separation or a divorce. That's not your fault, and don't let her make you feel guilty about it. Also, your wife has not been suffering any consequences pre-discovery or during plan A. In plan B, she should be. Instead, it sounds like you are out of her way but still providing some essential services.<p>It's not that I'm any expert, but I can see similar problems in my own plan B that I have to address.<p>Good luck,<p>Tom


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