Hi Lynn...<p>I can totally relate to what you're saying about the emotional roller coaster... These days I've been in such a funk about my H living right upstairs. I just don't want to see him as I just can't pretend anymore that this is going to get better. I could so relate to you before when you were in such denial.<p>I sometimes just think of filing for the D myself; however, I don't have any reason except that I just want to move on. I don't think there is currently an OW, not sure if there ever was. But consistent with most WS, the lies and deceipt accompany the affairs... so I don't know. He's become a master at evading the truthful questions I ask of him. Throws them back in my face, see you don't trust me. Well, whatever.<p>Anyway, there is a lot to do around here but we have to do them together and he just wants me to be the happy-go-lucky person I've been... I feel so taken advantage of. He knows I'm here because I feel there is hope. He told me again, "I haven't given you any hope, I have no will and no desire to make this work. I'm here for the kids, and that's it." Oh well... the truth hurts and the reality bites even harder... here I sit, in the first floor of a duplex situation with my H perfectly content to live like this until our kids are in/out of highschool. LONG TERM pain, is all I can see... unless he doesn't mind my getting remarried and new spouse moving in downstairs. Oh but, of course, for me to even say that betrays just how self-centered he's accused me of being all along.<p>Is wanting to be loved by your husband too much to ask? On another post, Lauralee states <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Love does not mean the absence of reciprocity.
Love does NOT mean that you meet someone else's needs in the absence of mutuality, balance, and respect.
Love does NOT mean that you agree not to be concerned about your needs being met in a relationship.<p>In a Plan A... you avoid lovebusters, you make deposits, and you negotiate your needs. If you do not receive an appropriate response... you adjust your actions in direct response to his/hers. You restore balance and equity in the relationship. <p>Dr. Harley also says that if you are not getting your needs met... it's because you have not negotiated for much. When you go to the bargaining table... you don't wait for altruism to begin to "care" about you. You negotiate.<p>When you negotiate in business... do you tell the other person that you will go ahead and give them the goods... whether they pay you or not? Do you agree to buy a product... no matter what the price? No matter how they treat you in the sales process? Doesn't matter... they can still have your business? How much respect do you think that would generate? <p>Don't you realize that people can behave like animals? That they have a selfish side? That if you let people take advantage of you... they will?I'm in sales. We'd call you a "lay down"... as in "I'm laying down. Use me. Walk all over me." I'm an honorable person. I don't do that. I treat that person with respect and value in fear of God. That person would get a good value for their dollar anyway. But out there in the real world... people like that get taken. That's the way it is. You better negotiate. <p>You better believe that you have something valuable to give... and if someone wants what you have to offer... they better value you and treat you right. If they don't... don't think that acting like a doormat will bring out the best in them. Unless they fear God... having a selfish nature... they'll wipe their feet on you. Sorry to share the news. But people can be MEAN and SELFISH and ROTTEN.
A child left to himself shames his mother.
Don't expect people to give you their best... as you leave them to themselves and give them your best... irrespective of how they treat you.
Discipline your son while there is hope.
Teach a child up in the way that he should go, and when he is old... he will not depart from it.<p>Begin TRAINING people in relationship on HOW you EXPECT to be treated. DON'T leave it to them to figure out and do. TRAIN them. TRAIN them. If you don't REALIZE that you are TRAINING them... even know... please wake up and smell the coffee. They are treating them the way you have trained them to do. They're getting away with what they know they can.<p>I hope this isn't discouraging. Take the truth of having been mistreated, change your own behavior, and turn the situation around. How to specifically depends on the circumstances. <hr></blockquote> This has had me pondering for the past two days... I've suddenly accepted that this is over and I can no longer
honestly cook him dinner, buy his groceries, play games with him and the kids in a way that is congruent to how I truly feel. However, in the TRAINING that she is proposing above... I'm not so sure about that either. It makes sense but I feel that's what I've been doing... albeit rather poorly, and have been accused of being manipulative and all kinds of other things. I'm just sick of it... I'm not suicidal, but the other day when I closed the garage door, I just let the car run while I was sitting in it thinking how easy it would be to just sit there and go to sleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep! I'm not a danger to myself, it's just hitting rock bottom I guess and not seeing a way out of it... I've seen so many others do that and now that I'm here, it's no fun. I've talked about this being my part in experiencing the pain of humanity... well, this is nothing compared to others... but I feel so darn defeated! Suffering, it's part of my Christian walk... but let's get on with it already!!!<p>Okay, I've rambled a LONG time here... sorry. I've often looked at how you're feeling and see that you're a bit a head of where I'm at. I hope things get rather normalized for you soon. What's the plan for the holidays?<p>Take care!<p>Nicole<p>ps - if I see you online, I'll say 'hi' okay?
