I am in such a state of confusion that I am not even sure what is real any more. <p>I separated from my husband early December, as he was treating me like ****. I was the one who physically left, because my years of trying to save the marriage just weren't getting us anywhere, and there was no input from his side. <p>I don't love him anymore. But I am so confused and scared about being alone. After the separation, I went away for 3 weeks to family and friends. It has been great. Now, I am back in the town where I (and x) live and work. And it is so weird. I have no home, and am staying with a friend. I go back to former home to get stuff, and it is the weirdest feeling to be there, but it is not my home anymore. I look at new apartments, but just cannot imagine that I am going to live in them alone. I have never really lived alone and it scares me to death. And not having anyone there for me in my life, noone who loves me, keeps me company, touches me; almost makes me feel like I don't exist anymore. Or at least ask myself the question "what's the point of doing all this if I am alone anyway???". Feel very self conscious, like a part of me is watching everything I do. Feel like a newborn, like I have to completely redefine myself. <p>Intellectually, I know I still have my job (a very good one) and my friends. I still breathe... But I don't know how to relate to everyday life. I don't know how to plan it, what to do with myself. And the worst part is, is that this IS my new everyday life - this is open-ended. This is not a holiday or a period spent somewhere. This is my life right now. THAT is really scary.<p>I would not emotionally be capable of falling in love right now, and am acutely aware of that, so I have the urge to just go out and look for casual sex. Just for the sake of feeling someone close to me, feeling wanted, loved. It's like that would confirm my existence. But maybe it is a self destructive strategy..... <p>Who has good advice??? <p>Cici

get a counselor. . . picking up and leaving doesn't provide instant solutions, and it usually provides more problems than solves them, as you are experiencing. . ..<p>get a counselor . . . your current situation may not be the answer to the problems you were looking to solve. . . .<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: WhenIfindthetime ]</p>

Dear Cici,
I know I will sound like your mother,but don't go out and have casual sex. You deserve more and more will come,believe me. This stuff you are going through right now is real, painful and as nasty as all get out. But you can make it stop. First, get an apartment. Who said it would be easy? It shouldn't be easy, for one thing. You've just lost the life you thought would last forever, you need to be reborn, you are being reborn even if it is against your will. You cannot change what happened but you can and should move on. I went through the same emotions and continue to go through a lot of them, but I am on my own now and though it does get bad at times, it is also very freeing. Except for when I must go to work, I do what I want, no matter how silly, or sad, and I find I love it. I don't want this forever, or maybe I do? I want to love again, be touched again,etc. but I need to wait and get back in touch with me and learn to love the new me. I also scream, cry and feel sorry for myself. I had a Pity Party for myself, too, and allowed myself to wallow in grief. I also read everything I can on grief management, affairs, marriage,divorce, beauty tips (I am 54-I need all the help I can get!!!) and so on. I am an avid reader anyway, but have not been able to read fiction, which I loved. But I will. I choose to start each day by being positive. "This day will be bleesed in some way". Even the worst days, and there are those, end up being blessed in some way. One blessing is even enough to fulfill you early mornig positive thinking. Hard to do? You bet. Now, if you haven't already, get yourself to you pastor, or a counselor. If it's too expensive, there are programs out there to help you get money for sessions, or reduced fees. Go now!! Post back and let us know how you are doing. I'l be praying for you. Hugs--Scotti [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img]

cici,<p>Im confused too, How long were you married? What were the issues that cause the marriage to be bad? What things did you do to try to salvage the marriage?. Are there any children involved? Does your husband want to be married? Not quite sure what you were leaving and dont know where you want to be heading.<p>[ January 06, 2002: Message edited by: rosita ]</p>

Dear Cici,
I am experiencing some of the same feelings you are, except I kept the house and my husband moved out. It is so lonely, not having anyone to talk to or share things with. I think if you can make yourself find an apartment, it will help you at least have something to do (moving, decorating, etc.) I am trying to stay busy taking care of the house, reading, surfing the internet, etc. I'm thinking about starting some classes to fill in some of the empty spots. Weekends are worse because I have more free time then. It's really cold where I live right now so I'm stuck inside which doesn't help matters. I keep telling myself that time will heal and make things better. I know that from past experience, but it's still hard to accept. I've always had someone in my life, and it's not easy being alone. I'm even considering a part-time job in addition to my full-time job just to fill up the empty hours. Hang in there and I know things will eventually get better for you.

Hi CiCi,<p>Boy have I been where you are. I married my high school sweetheart right after graduation. Fifteen years and tons of heartache later, we divorced. During the time our divorce was going thru I was transferred to a new city. For the first time in my life I was on my own; and I was doing it in a city where I knew absolutely no one. What made it even more frightening for me was the fact I was also suddenly responsible for raising my son as a single parent. To say I was terrified doesn't even scratch the surface. For the first two days, my son was with his dad so I could unpack. It was just me. I think I'll always remember that first night in my apartment like it was yesterday. I'd unpack a box and go sit down; just looking around. Unpack another box, go sit down; cry. I went back and forth like that for hours. Finally, I thought I was exhausted enough to get some sleep. I turned off all the lights and went to bed. I couldn't close my eyes. Every noise, whether crickets, traffic, the people upstairs....it didn't matter - made me jump with fear. Here I was 35 years old and as terrified as a child. This was all so out of character for me, for I was always "calm, cool, collected" and the one that could handle any situation. Ha! I realized sleep was impossible. Up I got. I sat at my kitchen table...totally in the dark. I listened to the silence and cried some more. I remember feeling like I was watching myself as if in a movie. Suddenly I got an idea. I decided to get in the car and just drive. Now mind you, I couldn't go far - it was the middle of the night; I barely knew my way around in the day time let alone the dark. As I got dressed, it was the strangest feeling. There was absolutely NO ONE to tell I was going someplace... NO ONE to tell when I'd be home...No one to tell me to "be careful out there" and no one to greet me when I got back. It was the lonliest feeling I could imagine. Well...I went for my drive. A whopping 4 or 5 blocks straight down the road. I pulled into a drive thru, ordered a soda and went straight back "home". When I walked in the door, I can't explain it but something was different. There wasn't anyone to greet me that's true, but there wasn't anyone to say "Where the hell have you been?" either or "What took you so long"... you get the idea. I sat back down at that kitchen table, again in the dark. I sipped my soda and thought about that. Yes... I was scared, but I'd been scared before. I was afraid to take that drive in the middle of the night in a strange city too....but hey - I did those few blocks and made it back in one piece. No one yelled at me, belittled me, or was expecting me to jump at their every whim because I was there. It was a lot to digest...but something suddenly seemed different from the way it was before I went and got that soda. I eventually went to bed, and yanno...I slept. When I woke up that next morning I knew...for the first time in a long time that I was going to be OK...fear and all. And yanno what... that was 5 years ago. My son and I are still on our own, but I've bought a house, we live in a nice neighborhood and I'm in a fairly new relationship that I'm enjoying very much. Wow... I DID it. Yanno what, CiCi... so will you. Just hang in there and believe in yourself. It's ok...it's even NATURAL to have those fears, but when you remember that no one, absolutely no one will take as good care of you as YOU, you suddenly realize you'll be just fine. Good luck to you. Come back and give an update on how you're doing!<p>- First Light
1stlight@prodigy.net

Hi Cici,<p>You know, I think we all feel this way. I know I do. The papers have been filed and just waiting for the next step to happen.<p>I have never lived by myself. I had lived with my parents then my buddies, girlfiends and then my W. Now I will be by myself for the first time and IT'S A SCARY THOUGHT. But you know what - It gets better. My W gave up on us for OM. It was not getting any better. So I filed. Life is too short.<p>The reply from First Light is what I'm talking about. It will be tough at first, but you'll get by. Down the road you might say to yourself "Wow, what was I waiting for.<p>Good Luck<p>Dino

Wow...not sure where to jump in here, but here goes....<p>I agree with WIFTT....bailing out of a marriage isn't the answer. That's what 90% of the people at this site's spouse did. That's what my STBXH did.<p>You mentioned "trying to save your marriage." What exactly did you do to try to save your marriage? I ask this because that's a line my X uses...."I tried everything to make you see I was unhappy...."<p>What did he try?
* Complained about me
* Expected me to conform to his image of what I should be
* Hid in the computer room instead of talking to me
* Wouldn't give me specific examples of my behaviour that he would complain about
* Refused to go to a marriage counselor when I suggested it<p>...and on and on....<p>Did he...
...give me specific examples and try to help be with specific behaviours? NO, he "couldn't remember" the details.
...admit to having any responsibility for the situation the marriage was in? NO, it was "all my fault."
...try to accept me for who I was? NO, he wanted me to be some made up figment of his imagination
...drag me to go to a marriage counselor? NO, "counselors don't know anything."
...let me know that the marriage was in trouble? NO, he decided to drown his feeling is a bottle of alcohol<p>So I would ask you...did you really try everything? You owe it to yourself, to your husband and to your marriage to do that. Otherwise, in my opinion, you are copping out.<p>As for casual sex....geeminy christmas! I think you know the answer to THAT one! Good grief...<p>I'm not sure what brought you to this forum, but try clicking on the Marriage Builders banner above and find out what it would take to fall in love with your husband again before another person enters the picture. It's not too late. <p>Would it be hard? Yup, you bet.
Would it work? Depends on you and your level of commitment, as well as your husband's.
Can people really change? Yes
Would it be worth it? Yes...100 times over.<p>You asked for good advice....this is what I came up with. I hope you weren't only looking for others to agree with your actions....<p>Aloha,
Ms.O

Hi all of you who replied &#8211; thanks. The Internet is just incredible - or rather, it is so comforting to think that even though one sort of cries out in some great darkness, the signals are picked up somewhere&#8230;. Special thanks to FirstLight &#8211; your story gives me hope. It is a bad patch, but you got through, many others got through, and I suppose I will also. In one way or the other. <p>I realise I have not told you the background to my current situation, and then some of the things I said seem weird or out of place. Well, here goes: we met 9 ½ years ago (I&#8217;m going on 30 now), have lived together most of the time, been married 3 years, no kids (careers came first). <p>Six months after the wedding I discovered he was a big time pornography addict, and that he had been hiding this addiction for years. It was a complete shock, and I felt very betrayed and wondered who this person really was. But I stayed with him, as I wanted to take responsibility for our marriage, and requested that he would go to counselling and the we as a couple also should go in therapy. <p>I got many, many promises but little action. After 6 &#8211; 7 months of tears from my side, he finally started a therapy in order to understand what was behind his addiction. I insisted on couple therapy also, but he did not want to do that until he had figured himself out. After some time, I did not really know what I was waiting for, or for how long I would have to wait &#8230;. Only that we had to do something. I often voiced my needs and my concerns for our relationship, but only got promises back in return for my tears. No action. <p>Suddenly, in November last year and after him being in therapy for his porn problem for 2 years or so, he turned on me. Out of the blue. Said that he had to reaffirm himself, as his porn problem stemmed from &#8220;that he had not taken up any space in his life&#8221;. That he was reconsidering all his choices in life, all his relationships. And the first thing he had to do was to get rid of me. He needed 100 % space for himself, could not feel any empathy towards me, did not need my support any more, did not want to open up to me&#8230;. <p>For 6 weeks, I tried everything. Tried to find an opening on any level at all, to get through to him. Dragged him to a counsellor. All without result. Each day, he got more and more dismissive, disrespectful, egoistic, treated me like I and my feelings were worth absolutely nothing. <p>Finally, he threatened to leave for some weeks, as he also wanted his physical space to himself. And as I was terrified of being left alone in our home, which felt like the corpse of the life we used to have, I left instead. That was about 5 weeks ago. I have stayed with friends, and fled back to the town where I grew up (which is far away from where I live and work) for 3 weeks. <p>Since Friday last week, I am back to face reality. Face the fact that he did not turn out to be the person I thought he was. To face the fact that I now have to cope on my own, find a new way of life. And it scares me to death. But there is no turning back &#8211; he has lied too much, been to disrespectful, too dishonest, too egoistic. I loved, grieve and miss the person I thought he was, that he made out to be up until our wedding, but I don&#8217;t love the person he really turn out to be. So there is no marriage left to save, only loneliness and reality to face.<p>I think my urge to have casual relationships comes from longing for being physically close to someone, but also from a need to get some confirmation that I am good enough as a lover. My Xs porn addiction behind my back made me feel like I had been no good in bed, as if I was not woman enough for him. And I have not been unfaithful to him, so I guess I need some other man to appreciate me on that level. And I honestly cannot see what would be so extremely bad in that, as long as the other party does not expect more either. <p>I am still not feeling any better. Worse, rather, as it is sort of dawning on me that this is for real. This is really happening. I still have not found a place to stay, and I dread the time that will soon come, when we will have to divide all our stuff, really dissolve all that was once was us, was my life. My friends are being extremely supportive, so I have a lot of people around me to keep me company and comfort me, but I still feel naked, newborn, lost, lonely, scared. Like I am watching myself in a movie all the time. It is all very unreal. I try to take one step at a time, but am often overwhelmed by the whole situation, and have no idea how I am going to get through. <p>I will take up on your advice to get a therapist, as I need something to hang on to here.<p>Thanks again for listening, and for sharing your stories. It gives me some light in all the darkness. <p>Cici

Hey Cici,<p>I kind of know where you are coming from. My husband and I have actually be separated since before Thanksgiving. My children and I finally moved 3 days before Christmas into our own home. I believed that I didn't love my husband also and that there was no way to make things work. But, actually having time alone in my own place has given me the time to really think about my life. I've always tried to please everyone else but myself. Doing what I thought they wished for me to do. And I'm realizing now that I can't live that way anymore. I miss my husband and I truly believe that I do love him. I've just allowed myself to be lead down the wrong path. We've been married 18 1/2 years, half of my life actually and I thought that I wanted something different for my life. But, when it's come down to the bottom line, I need him in my life. And I'm really not sure what steps to take to make him believe that I'd rather die than live without him. I feel like if he loves me he will give me the chance to prove my love for him. Before you really make a final decision to end your marriage, think long and hard. And sit down and talk to him and get your feelings out into the open. We only have one life, so live it for yourself not others.

First of all what you are experiencinig is somewhat normal, even though you may feel completely out of control. I agree with WIFTT..give counseling a try or a divorce recovery group. It is normal to feel like you are going to be alone forever and that no one will ever love you again. Don't make the mistake and go out looking for it before you are ready. Know that you are probably in the most vulnerable state of your life right now and are easy prey to those looking for it. And they are out there...individuals who will take advantage of your state.<p>Being alone is not a bad thing....scary maybe, but all new things are scary. Look at the postitive things...friends...a job, etc. Many don't have either of those things and still have to deal with the out of control emotions they are experiencing.<p>My ex was verbally and emotionally abusive for many years. I was miserable for several years before I decided I couldn't go on another day. I lived in Hell for over a year in a half. There were days when I wondered if I was going to crash and burn, when I was overcome with guilt for wanting a normal life, days when I cried non-stop...when I wondered if I would spend the rest of my days alone. My ex had convinced me I was lower than low, unlovable, stupid, evil, etc. I was none of those things. I went to counseling for a year, endured the worst of the worse, and emerged from the divorce from Hell...a happy complete person....<p>My divorce was final back in the spring of 2001. I still have a way to go, but I'm happy and am at peace. I bought a house and am having a wonderful time fixing it...and doing things that make me smile...not someone else.<p>Be strong...and be kind to yourself. When I separated in January of 2000, someone who knew about divorce told me my life would be Hell for two years...but it would get better...really. She was right.

Hey CiCi,<p>Thank you soooo much for filling in the details. It all makes alot more sense now.<p>I can relate to you alot. My STBXH, when he was hiding in the computer room, was actually viewing porn sites as well and downloaded over 200+ porn pics to our computer. I didn't find them until after he left and then I almost barfed. It just made me sick to my stomach.<p>It sounds like you did do everything you could to save your marriage and for that, I'm glad. You will be too as time goes on. While you feel like crap now, you will (believe me) get to a point where you can hold your head high (not in pride) knowing you behaved with integrity.<p>In the meantime, I agree that getting a good counselor will help you alot. And please, please continue coming back to this forum...it is a real lifesaver. It's like having a 24-hour support group! And if you can find a real-life divorce support group, that would be good to.<p>I can't agree with you about the casual sex tho. I know, all too well, the feeling of feeling like you didn't have what it took in that area. I felt like that to. My STBXH was my one and only lover. It's a pretty scary thought to me to face the future, esp. in that area. I just hope I find a loving, gentle and patient man. But casual sex....sorry, I can't go there. <p>I wish and hope that you can find and grow in your self-esteem (overall) over the next year. I have been working hard to find happiness within myself and guess what? I'm finding it! I feel much more self-assured overall than I ever have before in my life. I'm still concerned in that one area, but not too worried about it.<p>God bless you and keep you eyes focused on Him. <p>Aloha,
Ms.O