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#720693 02/05/02 10:33 AM
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It is two months until my D is final. While many here do not believe me when I say this, This is not really what I wanted, nor is this the way I wanted things to happen.<p>I have been off of work for five (5) weeks now due to severe depression. I am on medication to combat the dpression, but it does not seem to be helping. I have seen everything that I thought I valued crumble before my eyes. I am in counseling, but that too seems to be doing very little good. I am supposed to go back to work next Monday, but I honestly don't know if I can.<p>My marriage is over. the majority of me is not upset over this, but there is a part of me which is torn apart by the fact that I was unable to make the marriage work. I have all but lost my daughter in this entire process. . . I get visitation with her. I am paying child support, which is high enough that I may not be able to continue to live where I am now.<p>Nothing that I seem to do or say comes out right. There are times when I very seriously wonder why I am even trying anymore. In two months a mojor portion of my life wil have officially ended. I will be alone, truly alone for the first time in a very long time.<p>While I am not upset that my marriage is over, I am upset that I was not strong enough to make it work. I have spent a great deal of time evaluating myself, my beliefs and my actions over the past 9 years. . . I don't see where there is anything during that time period that I can be proud of. I don't know that I have ever really done anything to be proud of, and that is very discouraging.<p>Well, I guess it is time for me close. Thank You for listening.

#720694 02/05/02 10:41 AM
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ES......<p>My aunt always reminds me this: "God don't make junk". <p>(((ES)))

#720695 02/05/02 10:43 AM
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Oh ES, I'm so glad you came back for an update!!<p>Listen, YOU were very strong in so many ways! This is not a failure of YOU as a person, but a failure of the marriage, which is TWO people.<p>I am very, very SORRY [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] for your continued pain. You are doing the right things with the meds and therapy, but it takes time. I know how much you want to be able to smile again, and see some joy in your life. I have felt the same way too...<p>ES, take care of YOU now. Take good care of your daughter when you see her. <p>You have friends here, ES. Please remember that, and visit us when you can. You are missed.

#720696 02/05/02 10:54 AM
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TNT, new_beginning -- Thank You for your concerns.<p>I am having a very bad day today. Nothing really has caused it, other than my own mind.<p>I have been crying most of the day, and can not even come up with a reason why.<p>I am tired of hurting, I am tired of the pain. . . .I am just plain tired. . .

#720697 02/05/02 11:11 AM
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ES<p>Believe me, I have been there - BIG TIME. I know how bad days are. I don't know if this is any comfort, but God does count all our tears - and there is a verse somewhere that says that there may be tears all night, but joy comes in the morning.<p>Tears are not always bad - although it hurts! Actually, they have found that when we tear our body makes some kind of natural morphine - to help us out. When I heard that I was surprised.<p>What kind of meds are you taking? Should you call doctor and tell them that they aren't 'cutting it?' I started on Paxil a month and 2 days ago - and it helps - but it just takes a long time to 'kick' in. My dr. told me that if I have anymore heart palpitations or long crying spells to go to the ER.<p>(((ES))) NB is right, you are grieving - over the loss of the marriage. Just because you chose divorce doesn't mean that we don't still grieve over the loss. (I hope that didn't come out with mixed message - because that is not intended.) It is sad to have hopes and dreams and to put so much energy into a relationship - and to go what you went through in recovery - only to find you couldn't continue. It is okay to grieve over that loss, that doesn't mean you have to reconcile. <p>hugs to you.
TNT

#720698 02/05/02 11:18 AM
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Oh yes, I have been there too ES, as has David, and my new H, and his ex... whenEVER there is an end to a marriage, especially a long-term marriage, there is GRIEVING, my friend.<p>ES, I'll share a little secret with you... it's been over two years since David moved out for the last time... over two years since I was responsible for his happiness... and I am remarried... yet there are days that I think of David and get tears in my eyes. I miss him. I miss the man who was my friend, my "other half," for nearly 20 years. I see something that reminds me of him and I want to call out to him, "Look, see this?"... but he isn't there. I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL. And this is just the beginning for you. I HEAR YOU.<p>I hope there comes a day, not too far away, that hopeful will realize that in order to co-parent your daughter, you two need to be kind and fair to each other... that helps... David and I have run the gammot (sp?) of emotion, but have settled into something fairly friendly... although there are still problems sometimes.<p>The thing is -- this takes time, ES. It just DOES.<p>(((((ES)))))

#720699 02/05/02 11:23 AM
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TNT -- I am on two different medications for depression, have been for about two months. They don't seem to be doing a lot of good right now.<p>I have been crying off and on for hours today, and I can't seem to really stop myself. I see my counselor tomorrow, but don't see my doctor until Monday, and he is on vacation this week, so I can't even get a hold of him until next week.<p>I wish I knew what it was that has set me off, but I don't. . . I just feel like my life is crumbling before my eyes.

#720700 02/05/02 11:31 AM
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ES, you can learn a little bit about the medications and how they are affecting other people at this forum, if you want. <p>http://depressionforums.com/forum/ikonboard.cgi<p>You don't know what set off the crying episodes? Would you like to talk about it a bit? <p>Maybe we can look at this from a different vantage point, if you want. On days that you are doing okay - what do you suppose it is that helps?<p>We are here for you, ES. You aren't alone.<p>TNT

#720701 02/05/02 11:40 AM
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TNT -- I have actually never felt more alone in my entire life. I've never felt so unloved, or like such a failure as I do right now. I don't think I have ever been as scared as I am right now.<p>I don't like the feeling of emptyness. It has been so long since anything has gone right in my life. I've tried talking with my family about this, but they don't seem to understand how deep this inside me. How hollow I feel inside. How worthless I feel.<p>The only thing I seem to be any good for, is giving money to my STBX. What kind of life is that.

#720702 02/05/02 11:46 AM
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ES, did you read what I wrote about, about David? You are NORMAL, THIS is normal... <p>However, the meds may need to be adjusted. <p>You are grieving...<p>Does my being here bother or hurt you? If so, please tell me and I'll back off... I really do care.

#720703 02/05/02 11:52 AM
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new_beginning -- Your being here does NOT bother me at all. You and TNT have been the only ones in recent memory to even give a hoot about what I am feeling or going through. So, no, you do not need to leave.<p>I am just so beat up right now, and I really don't know why. I have no other real outlet, and felt that if I came here, at least I could try to get a little bit of it out.<p>I am just so scared.

#720704 02/05/02 11:53 AM
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ES, so much of your energies used to be devoted to your marriage relationship, and your family. Now you a math formula to come to terms with; <p>(ES - Hopeful) - full time parenting = ES + child support + part time parenting + grief.<p>It IS a crappy formula. But - that formula isn't forever. <p>ES, part of what happened is this, (in math terms) (ES + Hopeful) = unhealthy marriage

Now, if you subtract ES from both sides of that equation you have: Hopeful = unhealthy marriage.<p>Now you have to create a new equation.<p>ES = ????? That is part of the rebuilding.<p>But to get there, there is going to be grieving period. BUT that is temporary and a process. <p>ES, God don't make junk. <p>(((ES)))
TNT

#720705 02/06/02 12:26 AM
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Things just get better and better. . . I just got off the phone with the IRS, trying to find out when I would get my tax return. . . I was told that my return is in the Errors Department, but the person I talked to could not tell me why it was there. I have to wait and call back on Friday. . . . .<p>Is it too much to ask for something, anythin to go right for a change? I don't know how much more of this I can take.

#720706 02/06/02 12:41 AM
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<blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>Originally posted by Empty Shell:
<strong>Is it too much to ask for something, anythin to go right for a change? I don't know how much more of this I can take.</strong><hr></blockquote><p>Boy ES, I have asked this question MANY times myself over the last few months. If you find the answer, will you let me know too?? [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] <p>Now that I'm on the "other side" of the last debilitating depression, I can honestly say that I don't know how I survived, I just DID. I don't have a magic answer, although I do believe that praying, journalling, therapy, meds, and embracing the FEELINGs do help. <p>I wish I could find the words to let you know you will survive. You MUST survive. Your LIFE is worth something -- YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING. <p>(((((ES)))))

#720707 02/06/02 12:51 AM
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new_beginning -- <blockquote><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><hr>You MUST survive. Your LIFE is worth something -- YOU ARE WORTH SOMETHING.<hr></blockquote> I wish that I could say you are right. . .I just really doesn't feel that way.<p>I have had two friends that I had been able to turn to during all of this. . . .One of them I have not heard a single word from in months, though I know that they have talked with my STBX. The other is unable to help me.<p>I think my screen name fits me better now than it ever has.

#720708 02/06/02 12:54 AM
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As an after thought. . . .I am supposed to have surgery in two weeks, to correct a deviated septum. . . supposedly rather normal with no complications expected.<p>. . . . How do I undergo general anestesia (sp?)when I feel as depressed as I do?

#720709 02/05/02 03:55 PM
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ES,
I do not you or your story but from the membership number I can conclude you fought for your marriage so long. I believe it's not your foult you didn't succeed. I didn't understand why your child is not with you.<p>Maybe my story can give you some hope about that. My OD was 18 when we separated and she chose to livre with father and his lover at the three floor house. Cause of that my YD (then 10) got a small two rooms flat.<p>After 1.5 yrs my OD came to live with us into one small room with her sister, with less money than ever and left her so rich father. Maybe the reason was not exactly love for me but the fact that OW became his wife and will became a mother of a baby in about a month-but that is not important. The most important fact is that three of us are together. We are still getting used to each other, very slow, but step by step we go on.
After more than 2yrs I still cry almost every day, struggle with a money problem looking at ex and his new wife not knowing what to do with money, but that is another story.<p>The hardest thing is that I still love him and unfortunately still feels like you: worthless, lonely.....but have found so much support here that despite of all that I feel a bit better than before.<p>Please stay here with us and have hope that better days WILL come.
Love

#720710 02/05/02 04:52 PM
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just got through trying to take a nap, hoping that would help to calm me down.<p>It didn't work. I tossed and turned, kept waking up in a panic, like I had heard a strange noise. or something. I almost never remember my dreams, so I really don't know what kept waking me.<p>This is getting so hard to handle.

#720711 02/05/02 06:30 PM
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Empty Shell,<p>Knowing your story, this post made me sad. I can understand your sadness and grief. TNT and NB have given you some great pearls of wisdom. I will only say that I wish you happier and brighter times ahead. Keep taking your meds and know that you are not alone. Many folks care about you - we may be faceless, but our hearts and thoughts are there for you nonetheless. Put your life in God's hands. Pray for peace and happiness and in His time, it WILL come to you.<p>Keeping you in my thoughts and prayers, Desiree

#720712 02/05/02 07:48 PM
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Dear ES,<p>I too came to see how you were doing. I am sad that you are feeling well yet but glad that you are sharing with us. <p>Hugz to you and your family. I disagree about your feeling worthless though I understand how you may feel that way. Am I confusing? Sorry, I don't mean to be. <p>Just know that there are those here (many actually) that do care. You have made an impact in our lives though we may be faceless ones. You have had positive and will continue to have a positive impact with those all around you and those far away. For those reasons and many more your life is not worthless. <p>We can try to convince you in a loving way, the 2x4 sarcastic way or just try to make you laugh. We know we can't take all your pain away but maybe, just maybe someone's small suggestion will work for you. <p>Time and patience is hard when you have been hanging on for so long, but ES, it will come. Can you trust me on that? If not me how about NB and TNT? They are very good people. [img]images/icons/smile.gif" border="0[/img] <p>I will come back to see you laters. ....ok? <p>Hugz,
L.

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